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How Do I Help A Grieving Parent?

August 13, 2010 in Acceptance, Balance, Career Coaching, Communication, Compassion, Fearless, Grief, Healing, Intuition, Knowledge, Love, Purpose, Relationships, Spiritual Connection, success, Thought, Uncategorized, Understanding, Wisdom

”What can I do to help someone who has lost a child? I get asked this quite often and although I have previously written some about it in my other blogs there are some additional things I would like to add. In my own experience many of my friends and family were great support, there were others however who either shied away from me as they did not know what to do or were worried they might say the wrong thing. Some were hit and miss, they were often one time helpful and another not. The following are some things you can do to better support a grieving parent:

Acknowledge that your friends child has died and the impact this has had on your friend. Show interest in your friends feelings and worries. Realize you cannot and do not need to make them feel better. It is okay and healthy for either or both of you to cry. Listen when your friend wants to talk and keep it confidential. Try not to give too much advice because you feel helpless. Your friend has all the answers and your job is to listen, reflect back and help them to find those answers from within themselves.

Admit you don’t know what to do for your friend. Let your friend know you feel inadequate to help and do not know what to do and take their direction if you can. If you feel overwhelmed by the intensity of it let your friend know why you need to take a break from it for awhile.

Learn what it is your grieving friend is experiencing. Read up on grief on the internet, check into books on grieving, talk with others that have dealt with grieving parents. Understand that your friend may be tired, irritable, edgy, forgetful and have trouble focusing due to anxiety, stress and grief. Realize that grief takes time and your friend is learning a new normal for him or herself. You may sometimes see that your friend needs you and other times they may want to be alone. Sometimes they will want to talk and other times be silent with you.

Help as and when you can- and realize small things help a lot too. Meals, breads, cookies, errand running, phone calls, offers to take other kids for a bit and cards and notes all help.

Try and take things with a grain of salt. Many grieving parents have not the energy to be considerate or nice so try not to take words or actions by them personally.

Grief changes a person and although some friendships deepen some drift apart. Try and be open and accepting of change and grieve if you must the loss of the old friendship.

Peace & Light,

Stella Wichman

Certified From Heartbreak to Happiness Coach

www.parentsgriefrecovery.com

“Who then can so softly bind up the wound of another as he who has felt the same wound himself?”

Thomas Jefferson

Tags: childloss, grief, grief caregivers, griefcoaching, griefjourney, grieving, grieving parents, helping grievers, parent grieving 1 Comment »

by Stella

A Grieving Place

August 5, 2010 in Acceptance, Balance, Career Coaching, Compassion, Grief, Healing, Knowledge, Love, Rainbow Bridge Coaching and Healing, success, Thought, Uncategorized, Understanding, Wisdom

My grieving started when my son of 20 years suddenly went missing. I found that I needed to figure a way to grieve without it interrupting my day for that’s when I needed to be strong to continue looking for him. I needed strength then also to coordinate the continual onslaught of information with the many agencies that assisted us as well as be there for my three girls. My husband and I also needed time together and I continued working fulltime to pay for our normal bills as well as hire different individuals to search for Josh. All of this took time and energy something which it seemed I never had enough of.

I found that creating a schedule including a regular time to grieve, as well as a place to grieve which for me was the bathroom was the best way to keep my grief from taking me and my day over. It was necessary to have a quiet place and to not be interrupted I learned. Starting out I had a picture of my son in a bathroom basket along with some pictures of my girls. Later I added more pictures and a lock of my sons hair I was given by the coroner much later when his murdered remains were found. Eventually I ordered an amulet and a small decorative vase with a bit of my sons cremated remains and added those things to my basket. What one uses is not important nor how much or little and obviously what you change or leave the same is unimportant as well. What is important is that it means something to you and helps you feel connected to your child and assists you in the grieving you must go through.

At first it happened spontaneously, I found myself getting ready for bed after everyone else had gone to sleep and the day had slowed down enough for me to start thinking about how much I missed my son and wonder what had happened and where he was. This of course led to the grief, it started usually with tears and then led to spasms of grief much like throwing up but from the bowels of your soul rather than your stomach. I often needed to scream at the very world itself for allowing this to happen to my wonderful son and me and our family and friends. Screams of anger, sadness, fear, frustration and my own agony. I found this was possible and just as effective to my mental and physical health if I used a bath towel to muffle my screams and soak up my tears without my family being affected any more than they were already. This is not to mean that I never cried in front of them, because I did, both to help facilitate their grieving as well as my own but no one wants anyone watching them while throwing up and this was no different.

Some parents I have talked to found this scheduled time alone to grieve very frightening. They mentioned feeling alone and a bit crazy. But even small periods of time can allow you as I did, to explore the very heart of your grief and pain and find in that dark place, that black hole, a way back to a source of life from within. It is from this inner place that you come upon the resources to move through the passage of grief and ultimately to transform the experience into healing.

One of the meditations I was taught during this tough time to assist me with the hard work of grief and healing I invite you to try:

Meditational Grieving Exercise

Sit quietly alone in a safe and private place bringing your full attention to your grief. Take a few minutes to reflect on your child who is dying or has died, acknowledging this loss. Feel where the grief is residing in your body right now. Note how it surfaces in your thoughts and feelings. Grief changes from month to month, from week to week, from day to day, even from moment to moment. Give it your full attention. Don’t assume that what you felt yesterday is what you are feeling today. Be present with your grief as it is right now without judging, without criticizing, without trying to change anything. If feelings surface, let them flow. Trust them as they present themselves. Don’t push them back, don’t push them away. It’s safe here where you are. If you are feeling numb, you may at first feel that nothing is going on but if you look closer you may discover that even numbness involves a complicated set of sensations and experiences . So don’t judge yourself for feeling numb. Explore the feeling.

Give yourself permission to cry, express anger, be crazy or quiet, to feel a lot or to feel numb. This is your protected sanctuary where you can fully acknowledge the loss of your child. Your child is dying or has died. Your world has changed both within and without. Cradle yourself in your grief. You need your love, your protection. So be gentle with yourself and take your time. Let yourself be however you are in this present moment.

Peace & Light,

Stella Wichman

Certified From Heartbreak to Happiness Coach

www.parentsgriefrecovery.com

“Who then can so softly bind up the wound of another as he who has felt the same wound himself?”

Thomas Jefferson

Tags: attitude, Balance, coaching, gratitude, grief, Grief Recovery, growth, intuition, knowing, opportunity for growth, parents grief, understand No Comments »

by Stella

Healing a Loss at a Time

July 30, 2010 in Acceptance, Balance, Career Coaching, Compassion, Grief, Healing, Knowledge, Love, Uncategorized, Understanding, Wisdom

Interesting how each loss prepares you for the next. Surviving the loss of my son after he had been missing for almost two years was certainly the most devastating event in my life. And I have reflected back on the fact that each of my previous loss experiences both big and small helped me to handle something like losing a child. How remarkable that the very things I learned to handle that loss I am again using with new losses I have found myself up against.

I, my siblings and friends are at that time in our lives when either we have lost parents and or have aging parents that we realize will not be there for us one day. We find our children are growing up and are leaving home and we find ourselves mourning that connection when they were part of our daily lives. We are experiencing retirement or career changes and the losses associated with that. Some of my friends have life altering or life threatening illnesses, even the world we once knew is becoming a scarier place to be in and makes us feel sad at the loss of olden days and simpler times. Each of these things once again forces me to let go of the very false perception we have that we have control of our lives. In an instant the rug can be pulled out from under us, the course of our lives forever changed and leave us ungrounded and devastated.

What I have come to understand is that while the tide in our lives is the constant, what the tide brings each time is ever changing and seeing the beauty in this natural rhythm of things is profound.

A fact of life is we will experience many losses and in our lifetimes we live by losing, leaving and letting go. These are simply a part of our ever changing world like the seasons. We nor those we love can escape this sorrow that is part of life. Parents die, friends drift away and our children grow up and leave home. We lose spouses and partners to divorce or death; sometimes we lose them emotionally long before.

With each major loss, we often encounter multiple losses. For example, the death of a parent can lead to many other losses– of our identity as their child, of our family history, and sometimes of friends as they retreat from the intensity of our grief. Losing a job can lead to the loss of self-confidence, identity, and power. A miscarriage or infertility can bring about the loss of the dream of having a family. A divorce can result in the loss of a lifestyle, home, friends, and identity.

Our culture is one of acquisition and in it we are not taught how to handle loss. We often think that we can avoid the pain of loss if we keep busy, that we can wall off our hearts a little to protect ourselves. However it is the un-grieved losses that snowball and eventually take their toll on our hearts and deaden us. We do not realize that even these, as hard as they are, are connected to our personal growth.

Irish poet John O’ Donohue writes that loss is the “sister of discovery”. He explains that as it empties and clears away the old, loss makes room for something new. It allows us to grow and enjoy new things. Loss provides a “vital clearance of the soul”. It prunes away the dead branches so that new shoots can break forth.

When we are able to open our hearts and ourselves to the many smaller losses in our lives and treat them as teachings for the more major losses for which life will bring us, we are not so overwhelmed when a major loss such as the death of a child happens. Instead we are able to tap into that reservoir of loss we hold within us and not only survive it but grow from it.

Peace & Light,

Stella Wichman

Certified From Heartbreak to Happiness Coach

www.parentsgriefrecovery.com

“Who then can so softly bind up the wound of another as he who has felt the same wound himself?”

Thomas Jefferson

Tags: attitude, Balance, coaching, decision-making, emotions, gratitude, grief, Grief Recovery, grieving parents, growth, knowing, opportunity for growth, parents grief, reflection, Thought, understand 1 Comment »

by Stella

Finding The Path Through The Bewildering Experience Of Loss

July 23, 2010 in Acceptance, Balance, Career Coaching, Communication, Compassion, Grief, Grounding, Healing, Intuition, Knowledge, Love, Motivation, Perception, Purpose, Rainbow Bridge Coaching and Healing, Spiritual Connection, Thought, Uncategorized, Understanding, Wisdom

Parents who lose a child are often left feeling as if they have survived a catastrophe and are left standing at ground zero with no clue as to where to go or how to begin getting their life back. It is difficult to know what to do from where they are at and on top of it they are left feeling stunned and reeling from the intense feelings of loss and pain. Our society I have found offers little help in this area and the things people tell us such as time heals all wounds and he’s in a better place anger, frustrate, and stir up the anxiety and confusion we already feel. What I was fortunate enough to have found is that there are tools we can use that make a huge difference in how quickly and easily we are able to merge our lives before we lost our child with the life we have now without that child. Although forever changed we can learn to adjust and be happy again. We can each use our own creative and intuitive abilities fine tuned to us to help us find the peace we need. We just need to be taught how and my experience was that with a grief recovery coach I was able to learn not only what these tools are but was coached on how to use them. Some of the help I found came from a book I read called: The Infinite Thread: Healing Relationships Beyond Loss by Alexandra Kennedy. In it she mentions 7 steps for the process of recovery.

They are:

to express all the feelings over this loss: anguish, longing, relief, anger, depression, numbness, despair, aching, guilt, confusion, and often unbearable pain
to let the nonnegotiable and excruciating reality sink in that you will never again be in the physical presence of your deceased loved one
to review your relationship from the beginning and to see the positive and negative aspects of the person and the relationship
to identify and heal your unresolved issues and your regrets
to explore the changes in your family and other relationships
to integrate all the changes into a new sense of yourself and to take on healthy new ways of being in the world without this person
to form a healthy new inner relationship with this person and to find new ways of relating to him or her.

Kennedys book reinforced how it’s important to actively work to integrate and resolve our grief, not to just passively experience our reactions to it. She states that, “Grief carries us until we learn to carry it.” Reading that phrase helped me understand that we do not need to stay victims of grief we can be survivors and even captains of our destiny again if we wish!

Peace & Light,

Stella Wichman

Certified From Heartbreak to Happiness Coach

www.parentsgriefrecovery.com

“Who then can so softly bind up the wound of another as he who has felt the same wound himself?”

Thomas Jefferson

Tags: attitude, Balance, choice, coaching, emotions, grief, Grief Recovery, grieving parents, growth, intuition, knowing, Love, opportunity for growth, parents grief, peace, Purpose, rainbow bridge, spiritual growth, success, Thought, trust yourself, understand 1 Comment »

by Stella

Finding Your Point Of Power After Child Loss

July 16, 2010 in Acceptance, Balance, Career Coaching, Communication, Compassion, Grief, Healing, Knowledge, Love, Motivation, Purpose, Rainbow Bridge Coaching and Healing, Spiritual Connection, Thought, Uncategorized, Understanding, Vitality, Wisdom

Knowledge is power! For those of us who are trying to muddle our way through child loss it seems that understanding what is happening to us emotionally, mentally, physically and spiritually and taking action to help ourselves through, moves us out of the victim mode of the situation and into the take charge mode again of our lives, and this is our point of power !

How many times have I heard grieving parents echo what I myself have said since losing my son and that is, ” I am tired of the lemons I’ve been given and ready to turn them into lemonade and get back into life again!” When I finally reached this point of my own grief recovery after my son Josh’s murdered remains had been found after 2 years of being missing, I needed to know how others who had made it through this terrible loss had done it.

I read every self help book I could get my hands on, I read everything I could find on the internet, I talked to many who had lost their own children before me, then I finally stumbled upon a Grief Coaching method for moving beyond hurt and loss that involves a series of steps one of which is moving beyond yourself. It combines the best of who you were before losing a child, the who you are after losing a child, and the need we have to heal. It takes you beyond yourself into the world of compassion like you never have been before. To utilize all you have endured, all you have learned, all you have sacrificed to help other parents like yourself who find themselves lost and in terrific pain.

In getting to this step in grief recovery many parents I have met now help facilitate support groups such as SIDS, head organizations such as Suicide Awareness, speak at schools about the danger of drugs, some are involved in politics as in MADD etc. I choose to become a Certified Grief Recovery Coach working specifically with parents, I speak, do workshops and write. There is a poem that helped to give me direction towards my point of power again when I was feeling lost after losing my son:

It is by Will Allen Dromgoole and called “The Bridge Builder”

An old man, going a lone highway,
Came, at the evening, cold and gray,
To a chasm, vast, and deep, and wide,
Through which was flowing a sullen tide.

The old man crossed in the twilight dim;
The sullen stream had no fears for him;
But he turned, when safe on the other side,
And built a bridge to span the tide.

“Old man,” said a fellow pilgrim, near,
“You are wasting strength with building here;
Your journey will end with the ending day;
You never again must pass this way;

You have crossed the chasm, deep and wide,
Why build you the bridge at the eventide?”
The builder lifted his old gray head:
“Good friend, in the path I have come,” he said,

“There followeth after me today
A youth, whose feet must pass this way.”

“This chasm, that has been naught to me,
To that fair-haired youth may a pitfall be.
He, too, must cross in the twilight dim;
Good friend, I am building the bridge for him.”

May this help you along on your own grief recovery journey…

Peace & Light,

Stella Wichman

Certified From Heartbreak to Happiness Coach

www.parentsgriefrecovery.com

“Who then can so softly bind up the wound of another as he who has felt the same wound himself?”

Thomas Jefferson

Tags: certified grief recovery coach, grief 1 Comment »

by Stella

Learning To Cope With Pain After Child Loss

July 9, 2010 in Acceptance, Balance, Grief, Grounding, Healing, Knowledge, Love, Rainbow Bridge Coaching and Healing, Spiritual Connection, Thought, Uncategorized, Understanding, Wisdom

When I was learning how to navigate the world and my new life after I lost my son, I read an article that helped me tremendously. So much in fact I decided to base this blog on it! The following is from Richard Marsh’s biography “Surviving Loss”:

Coping and Catastrophic Change

By nature, everyone has multiple ways to cope with any problem. While everyone has heard of the “Flight or Fight” alternatives, there are actually about nine methods of coping used by people, each with a typical type of action and an associated mental state.

1. Attack. When faced with a problem, one may attack it.

The action for this pattern is fighting and the emotion is anger.

Anyone who reacts to challenge and problems with anger is focused

on this pattern of resolving conflicts and problems.

2. Fleeing. When faced with a problem, a person can run

away from it. The action is flight, and the emotional state is

fear. Many people run from their problems.

3. Denial. The action is to ignore the problem and the

emotional state is dullness.

4. Dithering. The action associated with dithering is

random response and the emotional state is confusion. Dithering

is also referred to in the literature as distracting.

5. Co-option. The action associated with co-opting problems

is cooperation. The general act is trying to reach a

participatory and collective action and the emotional state is

a cooperative one.

6. Analysis. This response to stress or problems is to

attempt to think through and understand the problem.

The emotional state is usually curiosity.

7. Action. This response is somewhat of the opposite to

Analysis. It is “doing something, anything” and in many ways is

an active form of dithering. The emotional state is one of

extreme intentness.

8. Appeasement. The general act is to just give in and

the general emotional state is guilt.

9. Anguish. This response is to give up and the emotional

state is one of despair.

Whenever there is catastrophic change and pain, the mind treats the pain as a signal that the current methods of coping need to be changed. The subconscious treats the pain as proof that the current method has failed and forces a person to begin to try the methods over and over again until the pain decreases and something is found that “works.”

Persons who have catastrophic loss will experience all of the above states and methods over and over again in their lives, almost randomly, until the pain decreases.

Thus, if a person were assaulted and robbed in a parking lot, they would feel anger, confusion, guilt and a desire to do something (or nothing) over and over again until the pain had healed. The emotions and states would be applied to everything in life, not just parking lots and banks.

A person who loses a child will suffer through this cycle for at least a year and usually for three to five years. If they are moved off track in their healing they can become stuck in a mode for five to ten years or even for life. One of the worst things outsiders can do is pressure grieving parents not to resolve a mode or to attempt to force them to stick in one.

Steps and Cycles

It is important to understand that these steps associated with grief and mourning can afflict everyone, not just those with ”serious” losses. While these steps are caused by the constant cycling of coping mechanisms, these steps occur, to some extent, in every life when loss occurs. While few lose children, many lose jobs, friends and other hopes, and experience portions of the same steps.

In spite of it all, it is possible to cope. You, your family and others can all do things that will help you make it through the loss of a child (or other significant loss) in shape to make a better tomorrow and able to care for those who remain. Always remember, those who remain need you as much as those who died.

While I had read about the stages of grief written many years ago by the famous Dr. Kubler- Ross, and was able to apply them to my own healing. I found that the 9 stages of coping with catastrophe found above carried me even further up the road to grief recovery. I hope that in reading this many others find the help they need as well.

Peace & Light,

Stella Wichman

Certified From Heartbreak to Happiness Coach

www.parentsgriefrecovery.com

“Who then can so softly bind up the wound of another as he who has felt the same wound himself?”

Thomas Jefferson

Tags: coaching, grief, Grief Recovery, grieving parents, growth, knowing, opportunity for growth, parents grief, rainbow bridge, Thought, understand 1 Comment »

by Georgia Feiste

I am the master of my fate…

July 3, 2010 in Healing, Spiritual Connection, Wisdom

Last night I watched the movie Invictus about Nelson Mandela and the South African rugby team. Twice in the movie, the poem Invictus was quoted, and it struck me how the last two lines of the poem speaks to the core of my beliefs and what I bring to my coaching. For those of you not familiar with the poem, the last two lines are:

“I am the master of my fate

I am the captain of my soul”

We often speak of free will, and whether the choices we make in life are made consciously and with intention. Even when we are embroiled in situations that are full of pain and grief, how we handle them often determines the outcome. At least, our personal outcome. Stories that support this are told over and over by people who have lived through horrifying situations such as the Holocaust, political prisoners like Nelson Mandela, and individuals who have been told they are dying only to do so with incredible grace as they ease their friends and family through their own transition.

When I think of the choices made in reacting to these types of situations, I wonder why it is so difficult for us to make the same types of choices as we move through our daily lives. Why is it hard for us to consciously think about our reactions when we are confronted with a choice of anger or compassion; fear or understanding; non-judgment vs. condemnation?

Most of us react to people and situations without giving much thought to what it is we are reacting to. Perhaps it would be beneficial for us to stop and ask ourselves the question “What is it about this person’s actions and behavior that makes me feel the way that I do?” or “What is it about this particular situation that causes me to feel fearful, and is it real?”

When we believe we are the master of our fate and the captain of our soul, we understand who we are, and who we want to be. It is reasonable then to assume that with practice we will react less, look consciously for the truth of the situation, and take the appropriate action.

I wish I could tell you that this will happen overnight, but I cannot. This is a lifelong practice session, aiming for mastery of being and the growth of our soul. We have been given the free will to make the choices that will move us along our journey in all areas of our life. I wish you well as you take your first steps to consciously create the life you desire.

If you would like help moving forward with intention, please e-mail me to set up your free 30 minute initial conversation to see if coaching is right for you.

Georgia Feiste, owner of Collaborative Transitions Coaching, Inc., located in Lincoln, NE, is a life transitions coach, writer, and workshop facilitator. She specializes in career and personal life transitions for people seeking change in their life. Georgia is uniquely skilled in providing support and encouragement as her clients set intentional goals to attain their desires, holding open the space they need to stretch and grow. Her passion is success grounded in purpose and passion, standards of integrity and priorities in life. Her website is http://www.collaborativetransitions.com, where she blogs about business and career, and http://www.rainbowbridgecoach.com , where she and many other coaches blog about mind, body, spirit and emotion. Georgia can be reached at (402) 304-1902.

Tags: choices, conscious choices, free will, Invictus, living consciously, living intentionally 1 Comment »

by Stella

Child Loss Can Be Incapacitating

July 1, 2010 in Acceptance, Balance, Compassion, Grief, Healing, Knowledge, Rainbow Bridge Coaching and Healing, Spiritual Connection, success, Thought, Uncategorized, Understanding, Wisdom

Losing a child can be and most often is incapacitating to varying degrees depending on the individual. The definition of incapacity according to the Encarta Dictionary is: “A physical or mental challenge, making learning or performing basic tasks difficult.”

In Learning About Grief from Normal Families: SIDS, Still-birth, and Miscarriage, Journal of Marital and Family Therapy, 1991, Vol. 17, No. 3, 215 it says, “the period of substantial incapacity normally lasts one to three years when a child dies, nine to fifteen months for a miscarriage.”

Because such a large part of incapacity is the loss of mental function, parents who have lost a child often are unable to properly measure the depth or level of their incapacity. Many parents report that immediately following their loss, they lost the ability to stand, talk and think at the same time. The mental effort required to keep their balance took more than they had. At the time this was happening they were unaware of this incapacity they were suffering from and not until they looked back did they come to realize how impaired they had been. What is important here is to understand that this is a quite normal and common response to child loss.

For caregivers, during the time right after child loss, understanding this concept should help in what areas you might step into to help the grieving parent. Things such as driving, cooking, caring for other children in the home, errands etc. Having been there myself as a grieving parent an excellent approach would have been “let me come be your friend/servant for the day so you don’t have to be worrying about menial things like driving or cooking so soon after your loss.” Specifically suggesting rather than generally asking “where can I help?” Always the independent one when I was asked about where I needed help I resisted but later found myself in dangerous situations like going through red lights and leaving pans burning on the stove. Thank heavens my guardian angel was obviously on overtime duty during the weeks following when my son was reported missing and again when his murdered remains were found.

”Unfortunately, in addition to reduced mental function greater financial obligations usually accompany loss” according to research from Counseling Bereaved Families (Springer Publishing Company, Inc.) at 75-77. Thus the demands on your ability increase as your ability decreases. Most parents report that due to medical bills, funeral bills and or inability to work they feel the stress of decreased income after child loss. This in turn also causes additional stress and therefore has an even further incapacitating effect.

Again the important thing here is that as a grieving parent one realizes that this is a normal and universal reaction to losing a child and that there is light at the end of the proverbial tunnel once an individual has done enough grief recovery work for themselves. As I have mentioned before this can be done on one’s own but is most often faster and easier when done with a Professional Grief Recovery Coach like I and many other parents have or a Therapist.

Peace & Light,

Stella Wichman

Certified From Heartbreak to Happiness Coach

www.parentsgriefrecovery.com

“Who then can so softly bind up the wound of another as he who has felt the same wound himself?”

Thomas Jefferson

Tags: attitude, Balance, choice, coaching, decision-making, emotions, grief, grieving parents, growth, knowing, opportunity for growth, parents grief, Purpose, rainbow bridge, spiritual growth, spirituality, success, Thought, understand 1 Comment »

by Georgia Feiste

Choosing Calm

June 14, 2010 in Perception, Spiritual Connection, Thought, Wisdom

I haven’t written a blog about my readings of the Tao lately, but am feeling the need to share my thoughts on verse 26. I am finding it to be appropriate for me, as well as for our nation.

Verse 26 starts out by with these first two lines:

The inner is foundation of the outer

The still is master of the restless

What Lao Tzu is telling me within this verse is that I am responsible for my feelings, my thoughts, and what consumes me on a daily basis. When I am able to go about my daily business in peace, staying true to who I am, events and circumstances taking place around me can no longer control my emotional and mental state.

As we were driving through Colorado and Utah on our trip south, we were tossed and turned by the weather, and it made me think of all that has been running through my mind over the last several weeks in relation to our trip to Arizona, and the reasons for making the decision to sell our condo. From there, it was easy to turn my thoughts to the oil spill, the health care reform, and Arizona’s new laws around illegals. It was raining as we left Denver, a steady, but not driving rain. As we headed toward Loveland Pass, I noticed the car was sliding a bit, and the rain had turned to sleet which was quickly turning into snow. The temperature was dropping about a degree a mile, it seemed. As we came out of the Eisenhower tunnel, we could see cars in front of us sliding on the icy roads and we had to laugh at the vagaries of the weather as the temperature climbed 20 degrees in about five minutes as we headed down the mountain. By the time we got to Vail, the temperature was in the mid-70’s. As we progressed throughout the day, we hit a downpour where we could barely see the side of the road, and came upon the residue of hail storms twice in about two hours. The second time, there was so much hail on the ground we could not use the passing lane because we would have spun out. Meanwhile, as I gazed out the window, the mountains were stupendously gorgeous, draped in misty clouds and fog, with the sun rays peaking through to cast shadows on the crevices and ravines as if a light shining down on the folds of a blanket. The red rock was so smooth in places that it looked like velvet, deceptively soft and comforting.

The chaos of the day reminded me of how we can allow the chaos of our thoughts and emotions to toss us around, causing us to flit around like a fool, losing all control over our days, and even our lives. By consciously choosing to remain calm and uninvolved, we are able to remind ourselves that no one has the power to control our thoughts without our consent. We become as majestic and “rooted” as the mountains of the Rockies. I am reminded, once again, to keep the following affirmation at the forefront of my mind as I go about my tasks for the next several weeks, and embrace the family issues here in Arizona.

I am poised and centered, regardless of what goes before me.

Tags: choosing to be calm, conscious choice, living consciously, personal power 5 Comments »

by Stella

How Many Children Do You Have?

June 11, 2010 in Acceptance, Balance, Communication, Compassion, Grief, Grounding, Healing, Intuition, Knowledge, Love, Motivation, Purpose, Rainbow Bridge Coaching and Healing, Relationships, Thought, Uncategorized, Understanding, Wisdom

Soon after my son’s murdered remains were found I was filling out a form and came to the question, “How many children do you have?” I remember feeling panic at that moment at how to answer this question I had previously answered easily for over twenty years. Logic said three girls but my heart thought no, that is not right, that seems like denying my sons existence. Next I thought, I have three girls and one son, four kids, no, that isn’t right either, is it?

Losing a child was bad enough and now staring me square in the face was this awful question that I now realized I was going to have to deal with not only once but numerous times I knew for the rest of my life. So I figured I might as well find the right answer for me for all those form questions and those individuals I would surely come across who would ask me as well.

In the beginning when I needed to tell my story of my son and how he had died I spoke in detail of how he had gone missing for almost two years and how and where his remains had been found as well as how his case was being pursued by numerous private, state, and federal agencies.

As the months began to pass and I found I had told my story enough and the grieving process had begun to heal me I found I did not need to go into the details any more. My needs had changed and so I rethought my answer.

Now I answer five stepchildren, three daughters and one angel son. I consider who is asking and why and whether or not they are going to be a continuing part of my life to determine if I am going to go any further in my answer. If so I tell them more so as not to feel as if we are dancing around the fact at hand of my son’s death. I may also explain that my husband’s first born daughter also died of spinal meningitis when she was two, many years before I met my husband. Better out in the open I figure, as it than loses its ability to interfere with the relationship.

If on the other hand the individual is just a passerby in my life than I leave it at five stepchildren, three daughters and one angel son and seldom does anyone pursue it beyond that. If they do or if they have follow up questions about my children I tell them that my 20 year old son went missing for almost two years and his remains were found at that point and the authorities are all in agreement of who did it and know who did it but it is still an ongoing investigation and they are waiting to make an arrest. Then I tell them about my stepchildren and daughters who are alive and well. This way I give them a chance to either acknowledge my son’s death and continue asking questions or ask about the rest of our kids. Doing it this way usually keeps everyone, including me comfortable.

The occasional embarrassed individual I feel bad for but I see it as their problem. Everyone is different when it comes to this question and no answer is a wrong one in fact my husband who lost a daughter in his first marriage along with his stepson (my son) answers seven children. For him this is what works.

Each of us has to decide what is right for us and then simply say it. In this way we strip the question of its ability to traumatize us, we take away it’s negative power and it can no longer have a harmful affect on us.

Peace & Light,

Stella Wichman

Certified From Heartbreak to Happiness Coach

www.parentsgriefrecovery.com

“Who then can so softly bind up the wound of another as he who has felt the same wound himself?”

Thomas Jefferson

Tags: attitude, Balance, decision-making, emotions, grief, Grief Recovery, grieving parents, growth, intuition, knowing, opportunity for growth, parents grief, Purpose, rainbow bridge, relationships, spiritual growth, Thought, trust yourself, understand 1 Comment »

Rainbow Bridge Coaching and Healing

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How Do I Help A Grieving Parent?

A Grieving Place

Healing a Loss at a Time

Finding The Path Through The Bewildering Experience Of Loss

Finding Your Point Of Power After Child Loss

Learning To Cope With Pain After Child Loss

I am the master of my fate…

Child Loss Can Be Incapacitating

Choosing Calm

How Many Children Do You Have?

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