You are browsing the archive for Spiritual Connection.

Avatar of Georgia Feiste

by Georgia Feiste

A Realm Beyond Measurement

November 2, 2010 in Relaxation, Spiritual Connection

by Andrew Cohen

With meditation, you can’t push.  Meditation is one of those things that cannot be forced.  You just have to make yourself available, and we do that by being still, being at ease, and paying attention.  The depth youa re looking for comes from letting go, not from “pushing deeper.”  But in any case, you shouldn’t be so concerned with how deep your experience is.  Consciousness is infinite.  You could have a more powerful, more profound experience of it, but it is still the same infinite ground that you are speaking about.  That is why, when we try to describe the experience of consciousness, words always fall short.  We might use words like “powerful”, “profound”, or “deep,” but the words are only a metaphor, a quantification of infinity, for that which cannot be measured.  A little bit of infinity or a lot of infinity — it’s the same thing.

So you shouldn’t worry about how meditation is supposed to feel, or spend too much time comparing your experience to what you may have heard from others or even to what you may have experienced yourself in the past.  You are entering into a realm where measurement doesn’t mean anything.  Dwelling upon too many ideas about what meditation is supposed to be like is just a distraction from your own direct experience.  Just make yourself completely available and then see what happens.  The state of meditation is an immediate one.  It doesn’t require time.  But if you’re holding on to an idea of a particular kind of experience that you are convinced you need to have, you are not going to be able to see deeply into the experience that you are having right now.

Meditation — and indeed, the recognition of enlightenment itself — doesn’t have anything to do with any kind of experience that you can imagine with the mind.  The state of meditation, which is synonymous with enlightenment, is the freedom from experience, and that freedom is always imminent.  But it does require a ceaseless willingness to relinquish any ideas you have about how it is supposed to feel.  Then you will discover the englightened mind.  It’s right here.  It is always already the ground of your experience in each and every moment.

–Andrew Cohen, in “Being and Becoming”

Tags: , No Comments »

Avatar of Georgia Feiste

by Georgia Feiste

Book Review: Walking Through Illusion

August 30, 2010 in Healing, Love, Spiritual Connection

Walking Through Illusion, by Betsy Otter Thompson, is a thought provoking book based on the energy of love and the freedom each of us has to express that love. Much of the book is devoted to her thoughts around the physics of action/reaction, and she has chosen to explain those thoughts in the context of biblical stories through a question and answer with Jesus. In each chapter, she chooses a different biblical character and the lessons they learned from Jesus’ perspective. At chapter’s end, she has included several questions to ponder, and what this lesson meant to her.

In the book, Betsy expresses many of the things I believe and work with during my coaching sessions. One of the primary concepts is what she acknowledges (and I paraphrase) as “equal justice prevails in both directions. The more you act in positive ways and enjoyed the results you get, the more you test the power of physics in areas more demanding. . . As you face your actions honestly and acknowledge the mirror returning, you will know that you control receivership, at least in terms of emotion. This will put you in the powerful position of creating what you prefer.”

Many of the chapters spoke to me because of my background in Unity, and the many books I have read over the years. It follows the concept that life is an illusion, and we create everything in it. Additionally, time is based on our memories of yesterday, and what our imagination conjures up for us in the future. All we really have is the moment we are living – and we can choose to fill it with joy or angst. Much of what we dream about in the future is wrapped around happiness and love, unless we are steeped in fear. The question asked within the book is very profound, “If love is in the moment and you’re happy now, why does it matter what the future brings? . . . The moment is everything. Today is the sum total of who you are. To gain more of who you are is a mental discipline. If you see the emotional goodness of now, you’ll be seeing it in the future as well.”

Throughout many of the chapters, the author is speaking of the need to look within rather than to external sources for what we need. The chapter on “Handicaps” caught my attention specifically because my son is blind, and while both of us spent a great deal time looking at this as a handicap, it has opened up multiple possibilities for his life, and is now viewed as a gift. In this chapter, we are taught that there is a truth that is right for everyone. That truth is that everyone is looking for the ultimate in themselves; it is what we all have in common. On page 161, there is a beautiful prayer that was given to Aaron by Jesus to help him as he grew in strength:

Dear God:

My love remains my knowledge forever

My heart remains my friend forever.

My aura remains my self forever.

Help me to share the person I am, so all that I am expands forever.

This is a book you will want to keep close to the place you retreat to meditate and ask for guidance each day. If you choose to read it straight through, I encourage you to go back and work through the questions at the end of each chapter to provide you with the opportunity for more introspection and growth.

Walking Through Illusion can be found at O Books, http://www.o-books.net. If you have questions about the book, contact Betsy Otter Thompason at her web site: betsy@betsythompson.com.

 

Tags: , , , No Comments »

Avatar of Stella

by Stella

How Do I Help A Grieving Parent?

August 13, 2010 in Acceptance, Balance, Career Coaching, Communication, Compassion, Fearless, Grief, Healing, Intuition, Knowledge, Love, Purpose, Relationships, Spiritual Connection, success, Thought, Uncategorized, Understanding, Wisdom

 ”What can I do to help someone who has lost a child?  I get asked this quite often and although I have previously written some about it in my other blogs there are some additional things I would like to add.  In my own experience  many of my friends and family were great support, there were others however who either shied away from me as they did not know what to do or were worried they might say the wrong thing.   Some were hit and miss, they were often one time helpful and another not.  The following are some things you can do to better support a grieving parent:

Acknowledge that your friends child has died and the impact this has had on your friend.  Show interest in your friends feelings and worries.  Realize you cannot and do not need to make them feel better.  It is okay and healthy for either or both of you to cry.  Listen when your friend wants to talk and keep it confidential.  Try not to give too much advice because you feel helpless.  Your friend has all the answers and your job is to listen, reflect back and help them to find those answers from within themselves.

Admit you don’t know what to do for your friend.  Let your friend know you feel inadequate to help and do not know what to do and take their direction if you can.  If you feel overwhelmed by the intensity of it let your friend know why you need to take a break from it for awhile.

Learn what it is your grieving friend is experiencing. Read up on grief on the internet, check into books on grieving, talk with others that have dealt with grieving parents.  Understand that your friend may be tired, irritable, edgy, forgetful and have trouble focusing due to anxiety, stress and grief.  Realize that grief takes time and your friend is learning a new normal for him or herself.  You may sometimes see that your friend needs you and other times they may want to be alone.  Sometimes they will want to talk and other times be silent with you.

Help as and when you can- and realize small things help a lot too.  Meals, breads, cookies, errand running, phone calls, offers to take other kids for a bit and cards and notes all help.

Try and take things with a grain of salt.  Many grieving parents have not the energy  to be considerate or nice so try not to take words or actions by them  personally.

Grief changes a person and although some friendships deepen some drift apart.  Try and be open and accepting of change and grieve if you must the loss of the old friendship.

 Peace & Light,

Stella Wichman

Certified From Heartbreak to Happiness Coach
 
www.parentsgriefrecovery.com
 

“Who then can so softly bind up the wound of another as he who has felt the same wound himself?”

 Thomas Jefferson

Tags: , , , , , , , , 1 Comment »

Avatar of Stella

by Stella

Finding The Path Through The Bewildering Experience Of Loss

July 23, 2010 in Acceptance, Balance, Career Coaching, Communication, Compassion, Grief, Grounding, Healing, Intuition, Knowledge, Love, Motivation, Perception, Purpose, Rainbow Bridge Coaching and Healing, Spiritual Connection, Thought, Uncategorized, Understanding, Wisdom

Parents who lose a child are often left feeling as if they have survived a catastrophe and are left standing at  ground zero with no clue as to where to go or how to begin getting their life back.  It is difficult to know what to do from where they are at and on top of it they are left feeling stunned and reeling from the intense feelings of loss and pain.  Our society I have found offers little help in this area and the things people tell us such as time heals all wounds and he’s in a better place anger, frustrate, and stir up  the anxiety and confusion we already feel.  What I was fortunate enough to have found is that there are tools we  can use that make a huge difference in how quickly and easily we are able to merge our lives before we lost our child with the life we have now without that child.  Although forever changed  we can learn to adjust and be happy again.   We can each use our own creative and intuitive abilities fine tuned to us to help us find the peace we need.  We just need to be taught how and my experience was that with a grief recovery coach I was able to learn not only what these tools are but was coached on how to use them.    Some of the help I found came from a book I read called:  The Infinite Thread: Healing Relationships Beyond Loss by Alexandra Kennedy.  In it she mentions 7 steps for the process of recovery.

 They are:

  • to express all the feelings over this loss: anguish, longing, relief, anger, depression, numbness, despair, aching, guilt, confusion, and often unbearable pain
  • to let the nonnegotiable and excruciating reality sink in that you will never again be in the physical presence of your deceased loved one
  • to review your relationship from the beginning and to see the positive and negative aspects of the person and the relationship
  • to identify and heal your unresolved issues and your regrets
  • to explore the changes in your family and other relationships
  • to integrate all the changes into a new sense of yourself and to take on healthy new ways of being in the world without this person
  • to form a healthy new inner relationship with this person and to find new ways of relating to him or her.

Kennedys book reinforced how it’s important to actively work to integrate and resolve our grief, not to just passively experience our reactions to it.  She states that, “Grief carries us until we learn to carry it.” Reading that phrase helped me understand that we do not need to stay victims of grief we can be survivors and even captains of our destiny again if we wish!

Peace & Light,

Stella Wichman

Certified From Heartbreak to Happiness Coach
 
www.parentsgriefrecovery.com
 

“Who then can so softly bind up the wound of another as he who has felt the same wound himself?”

Thomas Jefferson

Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , 1 Comment »

Avatar of Stella

by Stella

Finding Your Point Of Power After Child Loss

July 16, 2010 in Acceptance, Balance, Career Coaching, Communication, Compassion, Grief, Healing, Knowledge, Love, Motivation, Purpose, Rainbow Bridge Coaching and Healing, Spiritual Connection, Thought, Uncategorized, Understanding, Vitality, Wisdom

Knowledge is power!  For those of us who are trying to muddle our way through child loss it seems that understanding  what is happening to us emotionally, mentally, physically and spiritually and taking action to help ourselves through, moves us out of the victim mode of the situation and into the take charge mode again of our lives, and this is our point of power !

 How many times have I heard grieving parents echo what I myself have said since losing my son and that is, ” I am tired of the lemons I’ve been given and ready to turn them into lemonade and get back into life again!”  When I finally reached this point of my own grief recovery after my son Josh’s murdered remains had been found after  2 years of being missing, I needed to know how others who had made it through this terrible loss had done  it.

 I read every self help book I could get my hands on, I read everything I could find on the internet, I talked to many who had lost their own children before me, then I finally stumbled upon a Grief  Coaching method  for moving beyond hurt and loss that involves a series of steps one of which is moving beyond yourself.   It combines the best of who you were before losing a child, the who you are after losing a child, and the need we have to heal.  It takes you beyond yourself into the world of compassion like you never have been before.  To utilize all you have endured, all you have learned, all you have sacrificed to help other parents like yourself who find themselves lost and in terrific pain.

 In getting to this step in grief recovery many parents I have met now help facilitate support groups such as SIDS, head organizations such as Suicide Awareness, speak at schools about the danger of drugs,  some are involved in politics as in MADD etc.   I choose to become a Certified Grief Recovery Coach working specifically with parents, I speak, do workshops and write.   There is  a poem that  helped to give me direction towards my point of power again when I was feeling lost after losing my son:

It is by Will Allen Dromgoole and called “The Bridge Builder”

An old man, going a lone highway,
Came, at the evening, cold and gray,
To a chasm, vast, and deep, and wide,
Through which was flowing a sullen tide.

The old man crossed in the twilight dim;
The sullen stream had no fears for him;
But he turned, when safe on the other side,
And built a bridge to span the tide.

“Old man,” said a fellow pilgrim, near,
“You are wasting strength with building here;
Your journey will end with the ending day;
You never again must pass this way;

You have crossed the chasm, deep and wide,
Why build you the bridge at the eventide?”
The builder lifted his old gray head:
“Good friend, in the path I have come,” he said,

“There followeth after me today
A youth, whose feet must pass this way.”

“This chasm, that has been naught to me,
To that fair-haired youth may a pitfall be.
He, too, must cross in the twilight dim;
Good friend, I am building the bridge for him.”

May this help you along on your own grief recovery journey…

Peace & Light,

Stella Wichman

Certified From Heartbreak to Happiness Coach
 
www.parentsgriefrecovery.com
 

“Who then can so softly bind up the wound of another as he who has felt the same wound himself?”

 Thomas Jefferson

Tags: , 1 Comment »

Avatar of Stella

by Stella

Learning To Cope With Pain After Child Loss

July 9, 2010 in Acceptance, Balance, Grief, Grounding, Healing, Knowledge, Love, Rainbow Bridge Coaching and Healing, Spiritual Connection, Thought, Uncategorized, Understanding, Wisdom

ME 2 SEATTLEWhen I was learning how to navigate the world and my new life after I lost my son, I read an article that helped me tremendously.  So much in fact I decided to base this blog on it!  The following is from Richard Marsh’s biography “Surviving Loss”:

 Coping and Catastrophic Change

  By  nature,  everyone  has multiple ways to  cope  with  any  problem.  While everyone has heard of the “Flight or Fight” alternatives, there are actually about nine methods of coping used  by people,  each  with a typical type of action  and  an  associated mental state.

  1.   Attack.  When faced with a problem, one may attack  it. 

 The action for this pattern is fighting and the emotion is anger. 

 Anyone who reacts to challenge and problems with anger is focused

 on this pattern of resolving conflicts and problems.

 

 2.   Fleeing.   When faced with a problem, a person can  run

 away  from it.  The action is flight, and the emotional state  is

 fear.  Many people run from their problems.

 

 3.   Denial.   The action is to ignore the problem  and  the

 emotional state is dullness.

 

4.   Dithering.   The  action associated with  dithering  is

 random response and the emotional state is confusion.   Dithering

 is also referred to in the literature as distracting.

 

 5.   Co-option.  The action associated with co-opting problems

 is  cooperation.  The general act is trying  to  reach  a

 participatory and collective action and the emotional state  is

 a cooperative one.

 

 6.   Analysis.   This response to stress or problems is to

 attempt to think through and understand the problem. 

The emotional state is usually curiosity.

 

  7.   Action.   This response is somewhat of the opposite  to

 Analysis.  It is “doing something, anything” and in many ways  is

 an  active  form  of dithering.  The emotional state  is  one  of

 extreme intentness.

 

 8.   Appeasement.   The general act is to just give  in  and

 the general emotional state is guilt.

 

 9.   Anguish.  This response is to give up and the emotional

 state is one of despair. 

 

      Whenever  there  is catastrophic change and pain,  the  mind treats  the pain as a signal that the current methods  of  coping need  to be changed.  The subconscious treats the pain  as  proof that  the current method has failed and forces a person to  begin to  try the methods over and over again until the pain  decreases and something is found that “works.”

  Persons  who have catastrophic loss will experience  all  of the above states and methods over and over again in their  lives, almost randomly, until the pain decreases.

  Thus,  if  a person were assaulted and robbed in  a  parking lot,  they would feel anger, confusion, guilt and a desire to  do something  (or  nothing) over and over again until the  pain  had healed.   The emotions and states would be applied to  everything in life, not just parking lots and banks.

  A  person who loses a child will suffer through  this  cycle for at least a year and usually for three to five years.  If they are  moved off track in their healing they can become stuck in  a mode for five to ten years or even for life.  One of the  worst things  outsiders  can  do is pressure grieving  parents  not  to resolve a mode or to attempt to force them to stick in one.

 Steps and Cycles

  It  is important to understand that these  steps  associated with grief and mourning can afflict everyone, not just those with ”serious” losses.  While these steps are caused by the constant cycling of coping mechanisms, these steps occur, to some  extent, in  every life when loss occurs.  While few lose  children,  many lose  jobs, friends and other hopes, and experience  portions  of the same steps.

 In  spite  of  it all, it is possible to  cope.   You,  your family  and others can all do things that will help you  make  it through the loss of a child (or other significant loss) in  shape to make a better tomorrow and able to care for those who  remain.  Always  remember, those who remain need you as much as those  who died.

 While I had read about the stages of grief written many years ago by the famous Dr. Kubler- Ross, and was able to apply them to my own healing.   I found that the 9 stages of coping with catastrophe found above carried me even further up the road to grief recovery.  I hope that in reading this many others find the help they need as well.    

Peace & Light,

Stella Wichman

Certified From Heartbreak to Happiness Coach
 
www.parentsgriefrecovery.com
 

“Who then can so softly bind up the wound of another as he who has felt the same wound himself?”

Thomas Jefferson

Tags: , , , , , , , , , , 1 Comment »

Avatar of Georgia Feiste

by Georgia Feiste

I am the master of my fate…

July 3, 2010 in Healing, Spiritual Connection, Wisdom

Last night I watched the movie Invictus about Nelson Mandela and the South African rugby team. Twice in the movie, the poem Invictus was quoted, and it struck me how the last two lines of the poem speaks to the core of my beliefs and what I bring to my coaching. For those of you not familiar with the poem, the last two lines are:

“I am the master of my fate

 I am the captain of my soul”

We often speak of free will, and whether the choices we make in life are made consciously and with intention. Even when we are embroiled in situations that are full of pain and grief, how we handle them often determines the outcome. At least, our personal outcome. Stories that support this are told over and over by people who have lived through horrifying situations such as the Holocaust, political prisoners like Nelson Mandela, and individuals who have been told they are dying only to do so with incredible grace as they ease their friends and family through their own transition.

When I think of the choices made in reacting to these types of situations, I wonder why it is so difficult for us to make the same types of choices as we move through our daily lives. Why is it hard for us to consciously think about our reactions when we are confronted with a choice of anger or compassion; fear or understanding; non-judgment vs. condemnation?

Most of us react to people and situations without giving much thought to what it is we are reacting to. Perhaps it would be beneficial for us to stop and ask ourselves the question “What is it about this person’s actions and behavior that makes me feel the way that I do?” or “What is it about this particular situation that causes me to feel fearful, and is it real?”

When we believe we are the master of our fate and the captain of our soul, we understand who we are, and who we want to be. It is reasonable then to assume that with practice we will react less, look consciously for the truth of the situation, and take the appropriate action.

I wish I could tell you that this will happen overnight, but I cannot. This is a lifelong practice session, aiming for mastery of being and the growth of our soul. We have been given the free will to make the choices that will move us along our journey in all areas of our life. I wish you well as you take your first steps to consciously create the life you desire.

If you would like help moving forward with intention, please e-mail me to set up your free 30 minute initial conversation to see if coaching is right for you.

Georgia Feiste, owner of Collaborative Transitions Coaching, Inc., located in Lincoln, NE, is a life transitions coach, writer, and workshop facilitator.  She specializes in career and personal life transitions for people seeking change in their life.  Georgia is uniquely skilled in providing support and encouragement as her clients set intentional goals to attain their desires, holding open the space they need to stretch and grow. Her passion is success grounded in purpose and passion, standards of integrity and priorities in life.    Her website is http://www.collaborativetransitions.com, where she blogs about business and career, and http://www.rainbowbridgecoach.com , where she and many other coaches blog about mind, body, spirit and emotion.  Georgia can be reached at (402) 304-1902.

Tags: , , , , , 1 Comment »

Avatar of Stella

by Stella

Child Loss Can Be Incapacitating

July 1, 2010 in Acceptance, Balance, Compassion, Grief, Healing, Knowledge, Rainbow Bridge Coaching and Healing, Spiritual Connection, success, Thought, Uncategorized, Understanding, Wisdom

ME 2 SEATTLELosing a child can be and most often is incapacitating to varying degrees depending on the individual.  The definition of incapacity according to the Encarta Dictionary is: “A physical or mental challenge, making learning or performing basic tasks difficult.”

 In Learning About Grief from Normal Families:  SIDS, Still-birth, and Miscarriage, Journal of Marital and  Family  Therapy, 1991,  Vol. 17, No. 3, 215 it says, “the period of substantial incapacity normally lasts one to three years when a child dies, nine to fifteen months for a miscarriage.”

 Because  such a large part of incapacity is the loss of mental function, parents who have lost a child often are unable to properly measure the depth or level of their incapacity.  Many parents report that immediately following their loss, they lost the ability to stand, talk and think at the same time.   The mental effort required to keep their balance took more than they had.  At the time this was happening they were unaware of this incapacity they were suffering from and not until they looked back did they come to realize how impaired they had been.  What is important here is to understand that this is a quite normal and common response to child loss. 

 For caregivers, during the time right after child loss, understanding this concept should help in what areas you might step into to help the grieving parent.  Things such as driving, cooking, caring for other children in the home, errands etc.  Having been there myself as a grieving parent an excellent approach would have been “let me come be your friend/servant for the day so you don’t have to be worrying about menial things like driving or cooking so soon after your loss.”  Specifically suggesting rather than  generally asking “where can I help?”  Always the independent one when I was asked about where I needed help I resisted but later found myself in dangerous situations like going through red lights and leaving pans burning on the stove.  Thank heavens my guardian angel was obviously on overtime duty during the weeks following when my son was reported missing and again when his murdered remains were found.

 ”Unfortunately, in addition to reduced mental function greater financial obligations usually accompany loss” according to research from Counseling  Bereaved Families (Springer Publishing Company, Inc.) at 75-77. Thus the demands on your ability increase as your ability decreases.  Most parents report that due to medical bills, funeral bills and or inability to work they feel the stress of decreased income after child loss.  This in turn also causes additional stress and therefore has an even further incapacitating effect.

 Again the important thing here is that as a grieving parent one realizes that this is a normal and universal reaction to losing a child and that there is light at the end of the proverbial tunnel once an individual has done enough grief recovery work for themselves.  As I have mentioned before this can be done on one’s own but is most often faster and easier when done with a Professional Grief Recovery Coach like I and many other parents have or a Therapist.

Peace & Light,

Stella Wichman

Certified From Heartbreak to Happiness Coach
 
www.parentsgriefrecovery.com
 

“Who then can so softly bind up the wound of another as he who has felt the same wound himself?”

                                                                  Thomas Jefferson

Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , 1 Comment »

Avatar of Georgia Feiste

by Georgia Feiste

Choosing Calm

June 14, 2010 in Perception, Spiritual Connection, Thought, Wisdom

I haven’t written a blog about my readings of the Tao lately, but am feeling the need to share my thoughts on verse 26.  I am finding it to be appropriate for me, as well as for our nation.

Verse 26 starts out by with these first two lines:

                The inner is foundation of the outer

                The still is master of the restless

What Lao Tzu is telling me within this verse is that I am responsible for my feelings, my thoughts, and what consumes me on a daily basis.  When I am able to go about my daily business in peace, staying true to who I am, events and circumstances taking place around me can no longer control my emotional and mental state. 

As we were driving through Colorado and Utah on our trip south, we were tossed and turned by the weather, and it made me think of all that has been running through my mind over the last several weeks in relation to our trip to Arizona, and the reasons for making the decision to sell our condo.  From there, it was easy to turn my thoughts to the oil spill, the health care reform, and Arizona’s new laws around illegals.  It was raining as we left Denver, a steady, but not driving rain.  As we headed toward Loveland Pass, I noticed the car was sliding a bit, and the rain had turned to sleet which was quickly turning into snow.  The temperature was dropping about a degree a mile, it seemed.  As we came out of the Eisenhower tunnel, we could see cars in front of us sliding on the icy roads and we had to laugh at the vagaries of the weather as the temperature climbed 20 degrees in about five minutes as we headed down the mountain.  By the time we got to Vail, the temperature was in the mid-70’s.  As we progressed throughout the day, we hit a downpour where we could barely see the side of the road, and came upon the residue of hail storms twice in about two hours.  The second time, there was so much hail on the ground we could not use the passing lane because we would have spun out.  Meanwhile, as I gazed out the window, the mountains were stupendously gorgeous, draped in misty clouds and fog, with the sun rays peaking through to cast shadows on the crevices and ravines as if a light shining down on the folds of a blanket.  The red rock was so smooth in places that it looked like velvet, deceptively soft and comforting.

The chaos of the day reminded me of how we can allow the chaos of our thoughts and emotions to toss us around, causing us to flit around like a fool, losing all control over our days, and even our lives.  By consciously choosing to remain calm and uninvolved, we are able to remind ourselves that no one has the power to control our thoughts without our consent.   We become as majestic and “rooted” as the mountains of the Rockies.  I am reminded, once again, to keep the following affirmation at the forefront of my mind as I go about my tasks for the next several weeks, and embrace the family issues here in Arizona.

I am poised and centered, regardless of what goes before me.

Tags: , , , 5 Comments »

Avatar of Stella

by Stella

What Grieving Parents Want Professionals To Know

May 27, 2010 in Acceptance, Compassion, Grief, Healing, Knowledge, Rainbow Bridge Coaching and Healing, Spiritual Connection, Thought, Understanding, Wisdom

ME 2 SEATTLEApril 29th, 2007-Today the police called and asked my husband Mike and I to come down again to the station and meet with Joshes dad and step mom for the umpteenth time. Little do I know that the rug will be pulled out from under me severely and quickly without any warning as it was 2 years ago when I was told that my 20 year old son Josh had gone missing. 

Upon arriving at the police conference room they told us that  my son had been found.  A moment of pure joy that was followed by the next comment b y the police,” his remains were found yesterday afternoon by some individuals in a remote area several hours away from Lewistown.  The area has been cordoned off and evidence is being collected.“   

It takes all my strength and concentration to simply remain where I am under the continued assault of information.  Josh my son is dead.  I ask if they know what has happened and they say yes he has been killed and an investigation will follow.

These memories of that fateful day when I found out my son had been murdered will remain with me forever.  In my work with Grieving Parents I was surprised to find how many of them had similar stories and each of us talked of how we wished professionals were more adequately prepared for how to work with parents who have just gotten the news their child has died.  Below are some things that grieving parents would like to see professionals know: 

 Looking For Significance-What we are looking for in the midst of a trauma is significance. We need to know that our relationship to the patient is acknowledged and that we don’t have to relinquish our family position just because our loved one is in the hospital or has died.

           

 Need to be Informed-Obviously, it will not always be possible or even wise for family members to be with a patient during all life-saving procedures. However, we need to be kept informed. A liaison should be assigned to the family, someone who can explain what’s happening, someone who will represent the doctor and the family well. A liaison can also offer to call a pastor, chaplain, or friend. A liaison should also help provide privacy for the family, and most of all they need to be gentle. We have just been severely traumatized, our child has died or is dying, we are in a strange environment, and we are frightened. We need someone who will establish good rapport and establish our significance

 

Answer Our Questions-We will have all kinds of questions. “Is he conscious? Is he in pain? What happened? What are the medical people doing right now? Why is it taking so long? Will he live?”

 We need someone to explain  hospital procedures and answer  questions. A caring staff person who is well informed can go a long way toward preventing malpractice suits and most certainly promote goodwill between the hospital, the doctor, and the patient’s family. 

Parents are often so frustrated by the lack of answers by medical personnel that they feel a malpractice suit is often the only way to force an explanation of what happened and get answers to their questions.

 I have learned that families can handle an “I don’t know” or “I did everything I could” answer much more easily than a medical person’s refusal to answer or a medical person’s apparent avoidance of the family. When our questions aren’t answered by medical personnel, we are left to come up with our own answers and they may well be wrong.

           

 

Do Not Avoid Us-As medical professionals please do not be evasive because you are afraid of us and our questions.    Instead gather information and inform  when we ask.   Be aware of volunteers from bereavement support groups who can be called to talk with and/or sit with a family facing the death of a loved one.

 Do Not be Afraid to Show Sympathy- for fear we may “fall apart.  When we cry or show some other emotion, we are not doing so because you showed concern. We are doing so because someone has finally given significance to us and our situation and we feel it is safe to express our true feelings.

 

Allow us to Vent-It is helpful if someone shows enough concern that we know it is safe to express our feelings and our fears. Once we know it is ok to express our true feelings, the strong emotions usually dissipate quite quickly. However, when we sense it is not safe to show our emotions, we generally do everything we can to hold them in until some often insignificant situation arises and the top explodes off of our emotions like an exploding volcano.

 

Provide a Liaison-If a hospital can provide a caring person to stick with the family and even call and check up on them later, that will go a long way to create good will and positive attitudes between the family and the medical establishment.

           

 Educate Yourself- It is important that medical personnel become well versed in how to help families when things don’t go the way they had hoped. Don’t just read clinical material on bereavement; read articles and books written by bereaved people.

 

Don’t Let Us Leave Empty Handed – Gather information for us on support groups. Prepare a resource list of helpful books and articles. Hand it to us. Give us a card with the telephone number of a minister, grief recovery coach or counselor. Send us home with some books that will address our situation. Make arrangements to  have someone check on us periodically. I  was told a medical professional asked, “Well, what kind of time-line can we put on grief?” The answer to that question, “Everyone and each situation is different so grief takes as long as it needs to for each individual.” So please give us time, and  please give us permission to grieve.

 

                                                                                    Peace & Light,

Stella Wichman

Certified From Heartbreak to Happiness Coach
 
www.parentsgriefrecovery.com
 

“Who then can so softly bind up the wound of another as he who has felt the same wound himself?”

Thomas Jefferson

Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , 3 Comments »