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How Do I Help A Grieving Parent?

August 13, 2010 in Acceptance, Balance, Career Coaching, Communication, Compassion, Fearless, Grief, Healing, Intuition, Knowledge, Love, Purpose, Relationships, Spiritual Connection, success, Thought, Uncategorized, Understanding, Wisdom

”What can I do to help someone who has lost a child? I get asked this quite often and although I have previously written some about it in my other blogs there are some additional things I would like to add. In my own experience many of my friends and family were great support, there were others however who either shied away from me as they did not know what to do or were worried they might say the wrong thing. Some were hit and miss, they were often one time helpful and another not. The following are some things you can do to better support a grieving parent:

Acknowledge that your friends child has died and the impact this has had on your friend. Show interest in your friends feelings and worries. Realize you cannot and do not need to make them feel better. It is okay and healthy for either or both of you to cry. Listen when your friend wants to talk and keep it confidential. Try not to give too much advice because you feel helpless. Your friend has all the answers and your job is to listen, reflect back and help them to find those answers from within themselves.

Admit you don’t know what to do for your friend. Let your friend know you feel inadequate to help and do not know what to do and take their direction if you can. If you feel overwhelmed by the intensity of it let your friend know why you need to take a break from it for awhile.

Learn what it is your grieving friend is experiencing. Read up on grief on the internet, check into books on grieving, talk with others that have dealt with grieving parents. Understand that your friend may be tired, irritable, edgy, forgetful and have trouble focusing due to anxiety, stress and grief. Realize that grief takes time and your friend is learning a new normal for him or herself. You may sometimes see that your friend needs you and other times they may want to be alone. Sometimes they will want to talk and other times be silent with you.

Help as and when you can- and realize small things help a lot too. Meals, breads, cookies, errand running, phone calls, offers to take other kids for a bit and cards and notes all help.

Try and take things with a grain of salt. Many grieving parents have not the energy to be considerate or nice so try not to take words or actions by them personally.

Grief changes a person and although some friendships deepen some drift apart. Try and be open and accepting of change and grieve if you must the loss of the old friendship.

Peace & Light,

Stella Wichman

Certified From Heartbreak to Happiness Coach

www.parentsgriefrecovery.com

“Who then can so softly bind up the wound of another as he who has felt the same wound himself?”

Thomas Jefferson

Tags: childloss, grief, grief caregivers, griefcoaching, griefjourney, grieving, grieving parents, helping grievers, parent grieving 1 Comment »

by Stella

A Grieving Place

August 5, 2010 in Acceptance, Balance, Career Coaching, Compassion, Grief, Healing, Knowledge, Love, Rainbow Bridge Coaching and Healing, success, Thought, Uncategorized, Understanding, Wisdom

My grieving started when my son of 20 years suddenly went missing. I found that I needed to figure a way to grieve without it interrupting my day for that’s when I needed to be strong to continue looking for him. I needed strength then also to coordinate the continual onslaught of information with the many agencies that assisted us as well as be there for my three girls. My husband and I also needed time together and I continued working fulltime to pay for our normal bills as well as hire different individuals to search for Josh. All of this took time and energy something which it seemed I never had enough of.

I found that creating a schedule including a regular time to grieve, as well as a place to grieve which for me was the bathroom was the best way to keep my grief from taking me and my day over. It was necessary to have a quiet place and to not be interrupted I learned. Starting out I had a picture of my son in a bathroom basket along with some pictures of my girls. Later I added more pictures and a lock of my sons hair I was given by the coroner much later when his murdered remains were found. Eventually I ordered an amulet and a small decorative vase with a bit of my sons cremated remains and added those things to my basket. What one uses is not important nor how much or little and obviously what you change or leave the same is unimportant as well. What is important is that it means something to you and helps you feel connected to your child and assists you in the grieving you must go through.

At first it happened spontaneously, I found myself getting ready for bed after everyone else had gone to sleep and the day had slowed down enough for me to start thinking about how much I missed my son and wonder what had happened and where he was. This of course led to the grief, it started usually with tears and then led to spasms of grief much like throwing up but from the bowels of your soul rather than your stomach. I often needed to scream at the very world itself for allowing this to happen to my wonderful son and me and our family and friends. Screams of anger, sadness, fear, frustration and my own agony. I found this was possible and just as effective to my mental and physical health if I used a bath towel to muffle my screams and soak up my tears without my family being affected any more than they were already. This is not to mean that I never cried in front of them, because I did, both to help facilitate their grieving as well as my own but no one wants anyone watching them while throwing up and this was no different.

Some parents I have talked to found this scheduled time alone to grieve very frightening. They mentioned feeling alone and a bit crazy. But even small periods of time can allow you as I did, to explore the very heart of your grief and pain and find in that dark place, that black hole, a way back to a source of life from within. It is from this inner place that you come upon the resources to move through the passage of grief and ultimately to transform the experience into healing.

One of the meditations I was taught during this tough time to assist me with the hard work of grief and healing I invite you to try:

Meditational Grieving Exercise

Sit quietly alone in a safe and private place bringing your full attention to your grief. Take a few minutes to reflect on your child who is dying or has died, acknowledging this loss. Feel where the grief is residing in your body right now. Note how it surfaces in your thoughts and feelings. Grief changes from month to month, from week to week, from day to day, even from moment to moment. Give it your full attention. Don’t assume that what you felt yesterday is what you are feeling today. Be present with your grief as it is right now without judging, without criticizing, without trying to change anything. If feelings surface, let them flow. Trust them as they present themselves. Don’t push them back, don’t push them away. It’s safe here where you are. If you are feeling numb, you may at first feel that nothing is going on but if you look closer you may discover that even numbness involves a complicated set of sensations and experiences . So don’t judge yourself for feeling numb. Explore the feeling.

Give yourself permission to cry, express anger, be crazy or quiet, to feel a lot or to feel numb. This is your protected sanctuary where you can fully acknowledge the loss of your child. Your child is dying or has died. Your world has changed both within and without. Cradle yourself in your grief. You need your love, your protection. So be gentle with yourself and take your time. Let yourself be however you are in this present moment.

Peace & Light,

Stella Wichman

Certified From Heartbreak to Happiness Coach

www.parentsgriefrecovery.com

“Who then can so softly bind up the wound of another as he who has felt the same wound himself?”

Thomas Jefferson

Tags: attitude, Balance, coaching, gratitude, grief, Grief Recovery, growth, intuition, knowing, opportunity for growth, parents grief, understand No Comments »

by Stella

Child Loss Can Be Incapacitating

July 1, 2010 in Acceptance, Balance, Compassion, Grief, Healing, Knowledge, Rainbow Bridge Coaching and Healing, Spiritual Connection, success, Thought, Uncategorized, Understanding, Wisdom

Losing a child can be and most often is incapacitating to varying degrees depending on the individual. The definition of incapacity according to the Encarta Dictionary is: “A physical or mental challenge, making learning or performing basic tasks difficult.”

In Learning About Grief from Normal Families: SIDS, Still-birth, and Miscarriage, Journal of Marital and Family Therapy, 1991, Vol. 17, No. 3, 215 it says, “the period of substantial incapacity normally lasts one to three years when a child dies, nine to fifteen months for a miscarriage.”

Because such a large part of incapacity is the loss of mental function, parents who have lost a child often are unable to properly measure the depth or level of their incapacity. Many parents report that immediately following their loss, they lost the ability to stand, talk and think at the same time. The mental effort required to keep their balance took more than they had. At the time this was happening they were unaware of this incapacity they were suffering from and not until they looked back did they come to realize how impaired they had been. What is important here is to understand that this is a quite normal and common response to child loss.

For caregivers, during the time right after child loss, understanding this concept should help in what areas you might step into to help the grieving parent. Things such as driving, cooking, caring for other children in the home, errands etc. Having been there myself as a grieving parent an excellent approach would have been “let me come be your friend/servant for the day so you don’t have to be worrying about menial things like driving or cooking so soon after your loss.” Specifically suggesting rather than generally asking “where can I help?” Always the independent one when I was asked about where I needed help I resisted but later found myself in dangerous situations like going through red lights and leaving pans burning on the stove. Thank heavens my guardian angel was obviously on overtime duty during the weeks following when my son was reported missing and again when his murdered remains were found.

”Unfortunately, in addition to reduced mental function greater financial obligations usually accompany loss” according to research from Counseling Bereaved Families (Springer Publishing Company, Inc.) at 75-77. Thus the demands on your ability increase as your ability decreases. Most parents report that due to medical bills, funeral bills and or inability to work they feel the stress of decreased income after child loss. This in turn also causes additional stress and therefore has an even further incapacitating effect.

Again the important thing here is that as a grieving parent one realizes that this is a normal and universal reaction to losing a child and that there is light at the end of the proverbial tunnel once an individual has done enough grief recovery work for themselves. As I have mentioned before this can be done on one’s own but is most often faster and easier when done with a Professional Grief Recovery Coach like I and many other parents have or a Therapist.

Peace & Light,

Stella Wichman

Certified From Heartbreak to Happiness Coach

www.parentsgriefrecovery.com

“Who then can so softly bind up the wound of another as he who has felt the same wound himself?”

Thomas Jefferson

Tags: attitude, Balance, choice, coaching, decision-making, emotions, grief, grieving parents, growth, knowing, opportunity for growth, parents grief, Purpose, rainbow bridge, spiritual growth, spirituality, success, Thought, understand 1 Comment »

by Stella

The Rebalancing Of A Family After Child Loss

April 14, 2010 in Acceptance, Balance, Communication, Compassion, Grief, Healing, Intuition, Knowledge, Love, Purpose, Rainbow Bridge Coaching and Healing, Relationships, success, Thought, Understanding, Wisdom

When my son was found murdered, indeed even after he went missing I found that my family and myself instinctively knew that we needed to get itself back into the rhythm and balance that was lost when our Josh was gone. This feeling seemed to grow out of a necessity to not replace but to reorganize roles. I found that when your child dies there is a definite shift in the balance of the family and it helped for me to understand what needed to happen to again find that equilibrium.

It seems that the role of your child which held parental hopes and expectations, and was as well the object of love and focus of your family’s attention, is an important one, and its absence is felt keenly by everyone.

I observed families are a lot like an organization. They take on their own identity with their own characteristics and are more than the sum of their parts or in this case family members. They do not merely reflect the individuals that are in it.

In families it seems that when something happens to an individual it has an affect on the family and conversely if something happens to the family it has an affect on the individuals in that family. So for example when my son died I was preoccupied and withdrawn as I grieved at work and everywhere else for that matter which took my focus away from where it was usually therefore having an affect on others in the family. And because my focus was drawn away our loss not only was felt by each one of us but in addition it was as if my family lost me as well as Josh.

I have learned that families which have experienced child loss also work hard at regaining the balance in the family they had before the loss and may not even be aware of the fact that they are making changes to accomplish this. They may shift or change roles, rules, communication, expectations and behaviors to regain the equilibrium that stabilizes the family so it again operates consistently. There is no right way to achieve this as each family differs due to the uniqueness of its individuals.

My older girls each pitched in and spent more time with their little sister after losing their brother. They seemed to know instinctively that she would need that as he and she had been very close and spent a lot of time together. My oldest started calling me daily which she still does after 5 years as she knew her brother had regularly called me or visited on weekends and summers while in college. My youngest started turning into the family clown always trying to lighten things up when needed, which is the role her brother had filled in the family until he went missing. These are just a few examples of reassigned roles and obligations in our own family as we tried to reestablish a balance in our family again.

This happened entirely of its own accord in our family as water will move to fill a void when it’s there. Regardless of whether family balance is resolved healthily or successfully, the period of reorganization following a family’s loss I can say firsthand is very stressful.

I did find with other parents I have coached through grief that one must be careful of not doubling the grief for your surviving children by stealing their own unique identity by placing demands on them to take on the role of their deceased sibling. (Your brother was an accomplished basketball player and you should be too now) when they have no interest in basketball.

On the other hand sometimes if a surviving child has been in the shadow of his sibling (an accomplished basketball player for instance) he may be able to step into the limelight and shine now.

Remember that this is such an explosive time for each member of the family and one member’s grief can trigger another.

An accumulation of grief and pain in an individual or even in the family as a whole can trigger blowups. On the other hand at times the family can draw strength from each other and gain support and solace.

Recognize the need to look at each family members needs and weigh them against that of the family at times. An example would be everyone wanted to celebrate Christmas traditionally at home and I wanted to get away instead and so we celebrated out of town at my oldest daughters. It is important to strike a delicate balance so as to encourage healthy grieving and communication and unity rather than the opposite. Compromise seems to be in order here as each person finds that the health of the whole family is the goal and that each family member will have situations come up that will take precedence.

Remember that each family member does not have the same needs, grieve the same nor have the same relationship with the deceased individual. There are personal differences which must be taken into account. Individual factors are responsible for how each person will react to grief rather than similarity to others in the family or the fact that they all lost the same person in the family.

Lastly the very thing that helps which is the closeness of the remaining members of the family also can be the very thing that threatens to destroy the family. It is easy when we are hurting to place blame, be angry, make false accusations, and place unfair expectations on those we need the most due to irrational demands or fear of upsetting another in the family.

Although a huge undertaking the surviving family needs to reorganize itself to survive and must cope with the stresses of containing different grievers, each with different, unique needs. It is indeed a huge job and what is needed is patience, love, compassion and understanding.

Peace & Light,

Stella Wichman

Certified From Heartbreak to Happiness Coach

www.parentsgriefrecovery.com

“Who then can so softly bind up the wound of another as he who has felt the same wound himself?”

Thomas Jefferson

Tags: attitude, Balance, coaching, Communication, decision-making, emotions, fear, gratitude, grief, Grief Recovery, grieving parents, growth, intuition, knowing, Love, opportunity for growth, parents grief, Purpose, rainbow bridge, relationships, success, Thought, understand, unity No Comments »

by Stella

WHAT DOES GRIEF RECOVERY MEAN?

March 26, 2010 in Acceptance, Balance, Compassion, Grief, Grounding, Healing, Knowledge, Love, Motivation, Purpose, Rainbow Bridge Coaching and Healing, Relationships, Spiritual Connection, success, Thought, Understanding, Wisdom

In January I touched upon the subject of recovery after the death of a child. When I say recovery I do not mean a neatly complete type of closure but rather a regaining of the ability to function at a previous level, an integration of one’s loss and a successful resolution of the situation. In some ways, though, we can never recover totally, because we will never be exactly the way we were before. The loss of a child, changes us in many ways. What we can recover are our attributes and our capabilities, even though other aspects of us are different. We now have a slightly different self, due to the changes in us and our world as a consequence of our Child’s death.

THE RECOVERY GOAL

Our goal in grief recovery should be to learn to live with our loss and to adjust to our new “Normal”. This is arrived at by making many adjustments; I call them course corrections due to our new identity, our new relationship with the child we lost and readjusting to our new life without our child. This happens at the uniquely right time for each one of us and happens by reinvesting ourselves in new people, things, goals, pursuits etc. This is not the same thing as wanting or choosing the loss it just means you no longer have to fight it. You accept it in the way of learning to live with it as a fact of our life.

Recovery is when we can combine the past with the new present. Not that we will ever forget but we will not always agonize over our loss as much or as hard. Just like a physical operation which leaves a scar, our recovery from grief will also leave a psychic scar. And although we will be able to live our life there will be days again just like having a physical scar that it will throb or ache. It will remind us of what we have been through and that we will have to deal with it until it passes.

WHAT RECOVERY DOES NOT MEAN

Recovery does not mean forgetting our child or the way things were. It is not the end of our relationship with that child. It most certainly does not mean the end of our pain and that we are always happy again. We choose what recovery isn’t! Recovery will not mean that we do not experience bursts of grief as we live our life coming from familiar smells, sights, sounds, places, occasions and reminders of our child. It does not mean that we won’t wish for our child to be present for certain events in our life nor that our child was present to experience many of the things in life like graduation, marriage, children etc. that we imagined they would be experiencing. And it certainly does not mean we will not wonder what they might look like at a certain age or wish they were able to share in our joys or be proud of us even.

Recovery does not mean the end of grieving; it means we have painfully but successfully integrated the loss of our child so as not to interfere with our ongoing healthy functioning new life as we now know it. We will never stop grieving entirely. The following passage discussing widows is written by psychiatrist Gerald Caplan. It can be applied to bereaved parents as well.

We now realize that most [bereaved persons] continue the psychological work of mourning for their loved ones for the rest of their lives. During the turmoil and struggles of the first one to three years, most [bereaved persons] generally learn how to circumscribe and segregate this mourning within their mental economy and how to continue living despite its burden. After this time they are no longer actively mourning, but their loss remains a part of them and now and again they are caught up in a resurgence of feelings of grief. This happens with decreasing frequency as time goes on, but never ceases entirely. (Caplan 1974, viii).

The goal for a bereaved parent in Grief Recovery should be to come to terms with their grief and to have healthy productive lives in spite of the loss of their child rather than expecting a complete and permanent end to their grief.

WHAT RECOVERY MEANS

Grief changes you. It redefines roles, relationships and skills. Again like a physical scar the psychic scar we now have can give us character or vulnerability. But it is up to us how we will respond. We did not have a choice in losing our child but for the rest of our life we can choose how to respond to the scar after we have worked through the early on acute period of grief which affects all areas of our life. It is up to us whether or not after that we want to make the most out of our lives or stay bitter, whether we choose to integrate the loss into our lives so we grow or stay stuck in our grief like tires in the sand unable to move forward. Eventually we may be able to see how our loss can also be a gift from our child to use in incredible ways that would have otherwise never had happened if not for our loss. Or we can carry with us the sense that the world owes us now. It is our choice.

There are an incredible number of parents who have shown the positive things that can be done after losing a child. This is not the same thing as choosing to lose your child but choosing to recover from it and make something positive from a negative situation. I do not mean this to sound unrealistically positive or sappy as in denying our pain and the price we pay for losing our child. Instead I mean that even though we have lost our child we can decide that it will have some positive meaning for the rest of our own life.

The numbers of positive varied responses I have been privileged to see or hear about are amazing. As in the song “To Live Like You Were Dying” being touched by the death of our child opens our eyes to new possibilities and experiences and priorities that we may not have seen before or choose to overlook in the past. An example would be spending more time with the loved ones we still have. Not putting off saying things or doing things with them as we now know how precious, brief and fragile life can be but living each day more fully and meaningfully because of the death.

Many grieving parents find themselves more compassionate and caring towards others as they have developed a new sensitivity due to their loss. They have found a new or enhanced ability to pick up on and discuss sensitive emotional issues with others. Parents I have talked to often note increased religiousness and spirituality as well as heightened levels of consciousness. Like a dying individual the experience of losing a child has opened many parents up to taking time to enjoy the simple things in life that they once were in too big of a hurry to even notice. Many turn to the arts creating music, art, literature etc. from their pain.
Many decide to take their pain and rage and funnel it into helping others which in turn helps them as well. They start or assist in support groups for bereaved parents to help other grieving parents such as Compassionate Friends for example. Many bereaved parents strive to get political changes made through groups like Parents of Murdered Children to ensure no others suffer the same bereavement.

Successfully enduring the pain and suffering of grief allows us to find a deeper sense of self-worth, understanding of ourselves, life and of others. We are more passionate, compassionate and stronger than we were because we faced and got through our adversity. The death of our child has been one of our greatest lessons!

Many parents find some things are sweeter so to speak than ever before. Our relationships take on new dimensions as we have survived the worst. We want to get on with the business of living focusing on our newly found priorities. We are more assertive and set more limits than we may have before as we don’t wish to waste time on the people and things we put up with in the past.

Many parents find their own way to recovery and others like me rather than take the amount of time it takes to figure it out ourselves choose to use a Grief Recovery Coach. Some parents choose the opposite of the responses above and can become hardened, angry, and bitter and stuck in their grief. This is their choice too. You can not change others just your response to others. This goes here too! You did not have a choice in your child’s death but you do have a choice in your response to the death once the initial shock has worn off. Recognize you can make a choice. Take responsibility for the choice you make and do not think that if you chose something positive and constructive with the loss you have somehow betrayed your child or have stopped loving them. On the contrary many parents see it as a way of honoring their child! A way to continue their relationship with that child and to love them despite death!

Peace & Light,

Stella Wichman

Certified From Heartbreak to Happiness Coach

www.parentsgriefrecovery.com

“Who then can so softly bind up the wound of another as he who has felt the same wound himself?”

Thomas Jefferson

Tags: attitude, Balance, coaching, decision-making, emotions, goals, gratitude, grief, Grief Recovery, grieving parents, growth, intuition, knowing, Love, opportunity for growth, parents grief, passion, peace, Purpose, rainbow bridge, reflection, relationships, spirit, spiritual growth, spirituality, success, Thought, trust yourself, truth, understand, vision No Comments »

by Georgia Feiste

Distinctions: Respect vs. Recognition

February 10, 2010 in Fearless Feisty and Free, Perception, Rainbow Bridge Coaching and Healing, Relationships, success, Understanding, Values

I’ve been reading quite a few articles and blogs lately about the importance of recognition in the workplace. Recognition programs are used in an effort to improve employee morale, and companies spend a great deal of money on team events, gifts, recognition cards, and other paraphernalia in the attempt to make that happen. I have been mulling this around in my mind for several days now, and wanted to share with all of you some thoughts on the difference between recognition and respect. Does one feed the other, or are they distinctly different?

Recognition comes from the Latin recognoscere, meaning knowledge or feeling that someone or something present has been encountered before. Modern usage is of the word signifies special notice or attention. Recognition, for me, is about praise for actions, attitude, or work well done. Or, it can be about reprimand for attitude, actions or work that is not up to expectation; the shadow side of recognition. Individually, recognition is about striving for external validation that what you are doing is meaningful and making a difference, earning praise from your family and friends, superiors and peers, as well as customers. From a company perspective, this is good information to have, as feedback, but does it fulfill the intentions of improving employee morale? At a personal level, does it improve self-esteem?

Per the Merriam-Webster dictionary, respect comes from the Latin respectus, meaning to look back or regard. Modern definition is about high or special regard, or esteem. My interpretation of respect is about holding the individual in your heart as valid, knowledgeable, confident, and excellent at what they do. It is about giving them your full attention, listening deeply and fully so they know you get them. Respect has a power to it. A deep flowing of positive energy, and comes from a strength of character within the person giving it.

It occurs to me that recognition is about receiving, while respect is about giving. Do you agree?

As a manager or business owner, it is good to know that when you and your employees treat each other with respect, and all your actions and attitudes flow from that perspective, there will be no need for a recognition program. Feedback will flow freely, because both positive and negative feedback will be given out of respect for the individual. Learning in your organization will happen by example. Boundaries will be known, and standards will be set. The expectations will be well explained and widely known.

From an individual perspective, respect is an internal action taken in creating balance and integrity in your life. It is the intentional choices you make to live your values and your priorities, bringing you to a state of non-judgment. For example, if one of your priorities is to watch what you eat and be as physically active as you can, respect comes from not beating yourself up over the cookie you ate at the potluck you attended, but in giving conscious thought to your next meal. It means if you exercised three times in a week, when you intended to exercise five times, you celebrate the three times you were able to exercise, and continue to work toward meeting your intentions. It means you give yourself the time you need to enjoy the things you love to do and bring forth the creativity in your life.

How will you give yourself and others respect today and in the future?

Georgia Feiste, owner of Collaborative Transitions, located in Lincoln, NE, is a life transitions coach, writer, and workshop facilitator. She specializes in business, career and personal life transitions. Coming from a 30 year background in a C-level corporate position, she is uniquely skilled in providing support and encouragement as her clients set intentional goals to attain their desires, holding open the space they need to stretch and grow. Her passion is success grounded in purpose and passion, standards of integrity and priorities in life. Her website is http://www.collaborativetransitions.com, where she blogs about business and career, and http://www.rainbowbridgecoach, where she and many other coaches blog about mind, body, spirit and emotion. Georgia can be reached at (402) 484-8098.

Tags: distinctions, intentions, non-judgment, recognition, respect No Comments »

by Toningtheom

Pushing Past the Veil of Resistance

February 9, 2010 in Musings, success

“Most of us have two lives. The life we live, and the unlived life within us. Between the two stands Resistance.” -Steven Pressfield

How does resistance show up in your life? Resistance can push you far from your dream through procrastination, sabotage, excuses, and convince you that the worst outcome will always happen. We do our best to keep resistance at bay and then we feel it – fear. But listening to fear can actually propel us to do exactly what resistance is pulling us away from. If we are scared, we might be on the right track towards ‘success’. Fear might actually be the catalyst that brings us to our growing edge.

In his book, The War of Art, Steven Pressfield writes, “The more scared we are of a work or calling, the more we can be sure that we have to do it.” If it didn’t mean anything or push our limits, then there would be no need to be fearful and expose ourselves to expansive experiences. Resistance keeps us in place.

There comes a time, a point in your life, a remembering of your original creative genius self that is ready to push past the veil of resistance. When you are ready, here are a few ideas to support you in tackling resistance. First, listen to that deep voice inside that has had that dream since you first learned to walk and ask: do you still love that dream? Next, after all the excuses have been made why you can’t draw, write, dance, create, or start a business, take some actions anyway. There will always be reasons and excuses and the best way to move forward is simply by taking daily actions. Lastly, ask for help. Get all the support you need to move your idea forward. Seek out experts, teachers, alliances, change agents, and anyone who understands that we are more than our resistant voice.

Here is a conversation with Resistance:
Self: Given my work schedule and NYU class, can I handle continue taking Yoga classes?
Resistance: You will never be able to do all that. Just forget it.
Self: Really? Give up Yoga?
Resistance: Why bother? You are doing enough already.
Self: Yoga gives me the space to go within and spend time in body, spirit & mind practices.
Resistance: Give it up–it’s too much and too hard to do work, school, & Yoga.

This could go on and on. To stop bantering with resistance, feel free to get quiet, get centered, and feel all of the emotions. Visualize where you want to be and see yourself in that full experience.

After sitting quietly, my meditation revealed the following response to Resistance:
“Is school not awakening your body as well as your mind? Ask your heart. Is yoga not awakening your mind as well as your body as you focus on balancing during a pose? Ask the stillness within you. You are already all of it. You can have all of it – in your divinity you already do.”

Push the veil to see what is on the other side of Resistance. This is a daily practice. Together, let us keep the veils moving.
Mary Anne

Mary Anne Flanagan is an intuitive Shamanic Practitioner and Teacher, Life Coach, workshop facilitator, inspired speaker, and creator of Toning the OM™. Her passion is in assisting people to live life with conscious habits and patterns which support them on their path to abundance and fulfillment. She has a life coaching and healing practice in New York. Visit: http://www.toningtheom.com You may contact Mary Anne at toningtheom@yahoo.com

Tags: fear, help, resistance, success, veil of resistance No Comments »

by Stella

How Do You Fix What’s Broken When Everyone Is Just Ignoring All The Pieces On The Floor?

January 29, 2010 in Acceptance, Career Coaching, Compassion, Grief, Healing, Love, Motivation, Purpose, Rainbow Bridge Coaching and Healing, success, Uncategorized, Understanding, Wisdom

ME 1 SEATTLE What a great question! A wonderful young man asked this lately and it brought to mind the problem many of us have that have lost a child. Not only is everyone else ignoring the mess on the floor but we as grieving parents often are too. It’s too hard. The mess is all we have left of them. We feel it is our last connection with them and are reluctant to even touch it. Not to mention most of us don’t know the first thing about fixing it. We are thinking if we ignore it, it might just all go away. Hoping against all hope it will just all go away, too tired and too much in shock to deal with it.

What I and many others have found is years down the road when not dealt with and often when we least expect it, we will trip over those very same pieces on the floor that we left so many years ago. We find the mess did not go away and also that others could not clean up the mess for us. No one else can do the work it takes for each of us to deal with our own broken heart in our own way and in our own time. After all it was our heart and our lives that were completely shattered and left on the floor.

Feeling and working through the emotions of grief can be compared to Physical Therapy for someone who has had major surgery or been severely injured. Although agonizing it is how we heal and how we go on. Many of us have been taught the 5 Stages of Grief that Elizabeth Kubler-Ross wrote and published in the landmark book “On Death and Dying” They are:

1) Denial

2) Anger

3) Bargaining

4) Depression

5) Acceptance

Although helpful to many of us, her studies were based on her findings of people who were facing Terminal Illness. The Stages of Grief experienced by a person dealing with the death of a child are not entirely the same.

The 7 Stages of Grief that better fits grieving parents and found in a popular model often used in coaching are:

1) Shock & Denial

2) Pain & Guilt

3) Anger & Bargaining

4) Depression, Reflection, Loneliness

5) The Upward Turn

6) Reconstruction & Working Through

7) Acceptance & Hope

Using these 7 stages of Grief that one goes through, combined with the 5 Stages of Healing Grief listed below helps parents move forward when they have done enough of their grieving and are ready to move out of where they are. The 5 Stages of Healing Grief is as follows:

1) Get Support

2) Express You’re Feelings

3) Accept What Has Happened

4) Forgive Everyone Everything, Including Yourself

5) Help Others

Can one heal from grief on their own? Certainly, but if a parent finds themselves tired of trial and error and the length of time it seems to be taking or what they are doing isn’t working for them then it may be time to consider a Grief Recovery Coach.

I remember for myself this happened when I was tired of grieving and was tired of still being stuck where I had been for quite some time. I was ready to be happy again and ready to have my life back again! Not knowing where to start and feeling like my tires were spinning in the sand what I wanted was someone that could place a board under my tires so I could get unstuck! That’s when I luckily came across and hired a Grief Recovery Coach.

I had been going to a Therapist for some time and although it was helpful to talk I felt it was not enough. I wanted and needed someone who specialized in Grief Recovery. In searching for help online I stumbled upon a Grief Recovery Coach out of state who fortunately coached over the phone as I found there were no coaches in my area with that specialty.

She not only helped me find my direction but helped me to see the importance of “owning” my situation so I could stop feeling like a victim. She gave me someone to be accountable to, “my coach” and something to be accountable for “my own healing”. Finally she helped me find and face the broken pieces on the floor, those of my heart and of my life that were left after my son went missing and was found murdered.

As I picked up the broken pieces off the floor we worked through each one and in doing this ultimately I found my own point of power and with that I finally was able to turn things around for myself. For me my point of power was in knowing I could help others if I could find the strength and the courage to face my pain and move through it. I would have otherwise never have traveled down this path and found this level of healing, this level of understanding and this level of compassion.

As Alan Cohen says, “The thing about which you think, “Without this I would be lost,” may be the very thing that without this you would be found!”

Peace & Light,

Stella Wichman

Certified From Heartbreak to Happiness Coach

www.parentsgriefrecovery.com

“Who then can so softly bind up the wound of another as he who has felt the same wound himself?”

Thomas Jefferson

Tags: attitude, Balance, choice, coaching, decision-making, emotions, gratitude, grief, Grief Recovery, grieving parents, growth, knowing, Love, opportunity for growth, parents grief, passion, peace, Purpose, rainbow bridge, reflection, spiritual growth, spirituality, success, Thought, trust yourself, understand 1 Comment »

by Georgia Feiste

Every Woman Can Be Successful

November 27, 2009 in Enjoyment, Fearless Feisty and Free, Grounding, Purpose, Rainbow Bridge Coaching and Healing, success, Thought

You see it everywhere. Everyone wants to be successful, prosperous, create abundance, and attract wealth! And, every once in a while, you see disgruntled comments from people about how manifestation of success doesn’t work for them. If you fall into either of these categories, here are several steps you can take to move you further along this path.

Envision your success. Don’t just create a mental picture, but wrap the emotion, the feelings, the smell and taste of what that success is around those pictures. Sometimes we have to start with what we don’t want – so make that list down the left hand side of a piece of paper. On the right hand side, directly opposite, flip that thought around to reflect what it is that you want. Now, tear off the left hand side of the paper and throw it away. Focus on what it is you want, and get very clear on what that is. How do you create the vision? Find pictures to depict what it is you want and create a poster or book you can review every day. Create a screen saver with words that have meaning for you, and take the time to read it multiple times a day. Close your eyes and sniff the smells, savor the taste, and feel the emotions connected to each of those pictures. Share it with five people. Get excited – this is your very own, unique success – and you get to choose what it looks, tastes, smells and feels like.

Stay focused. Women have a skill men have been trying to emulate for years. Multi-tasking. It turns out, multi-tasking is not particularly good for us – we lose the ability to focus on a particular task until it is completed. We get distracted, overwhelmed and frustrated. And, then there is worry. Many of us re-live the past over and over, fretting until we make ourselves sick, or we are constantly worrying about the future – asking “What-if, then” questions over and over. Living in the past or the future doesn’t help us all that much. One is over with, and can’t be changed. One hasn’t happened, and can’t be controlled. The best way to stay focused is to get organized and stay that way. And finally, when looking at that “ginormous” To-Do list , ask yourself a few critical questions – a) What is the most important thing I have to do right now? b) What will have the worst consequence if I do not get it finished? c) What will get me closest to my success goal? And finally, because we want to celebrate success multiple times a day, d) can I finish this most important task that must be done to get me closer to success today? If the answer is no, break it down into smaller chunks, prioritize those, and spread them out over several days. Get done what you can commit to today, and turn the rest of it over to your higher power for the time being. Revisit your “To-Do list again tomorrow, and celebrate the completions!

Create awareness around, and eliminate, limiting beliefs. From the first day of life, we have been conditioned by our parents and grandparents; cultural beliefs toward race, gender, age, education; experiences in pre-school, school, and at work and play. These experiences have led to beliefs that are deep down inside of us, deeply imbedded in who we are. They can be subtle or out there for all to see. Sometimes the show up as negative self talk like, “”Women are not good with numbers.” “Women are too emotional to run a company.” “All salespersons are pushy and sleezy.”, “or “What I do provides no value, so therefore, I cannot charge money for my services.” These are limiting beliefs because they do not support your vision of success. They become the monkey-mind that creates inertia in moving your vision into reality.

Good news! Everyone has them, you are not alone. Keep track of what those voices are saying to you over a period of time, and create the awareness for yourself of what your limiting beliefs are. Now, follow the same steps we talked about in #1. Throw away the side of paper with the limiting beliefs, and concentrate on the positive beliefs that support what your vision of success. For example, “I believe my services are extraordinarily valuable to my clients, and I am charging a fair and reasonable fee that allows me to support my business and my family.” “ I believe my leadership style is collaborative and effective.” Just as with your vision, visit your attention on the beliefs that support your success on a daily basis.

Practice the art of selfulness. Put yourself first, and practice extreme self-care. Get over those feelings of guilt and selfishness that come from your limiting beliefs. (“I can’t go on vacation, I won’t get everything done” or “I’m the only one that can do this”) I am not suggesting you walk away from everything or everybody. It is important, though, to get enough sleep, eat healthy food, say no to requests that don’t further your values or priorities in life, ask for help, relax, establish a routine, and practice your spirituality. Make a list of things you want to do to take extreme care of yourself, and start with one today. Ask your heart, “What is it that I need today?”

Create joy by adding value. Everyone has expectations around who we are and what we do – at work, at home, in social settings, and in our spiritual community. Adding value by fulfilling those expectations, and then going the extra mile, at little or no cost to ourselves, is incredibly powerful. Looking only for the biggest payoff of all – joy – we become incredibly attractive to those around us.

In business, adding value for your customers and co-workers makes them feel like there is no one they would like to work with more than you. In your personal life, simply adding value to everyone closest to you will make them delighted with that closeness, and increase the attraction of staying in a devoted relationship.

Where do you want to start? What is having the most impact on your ability to achieve success right now? You have the power to choose a successful life by taking action today! We are starting a new quarter in the Fearless, Feisty and Free to Succeed group right after the first of the year. We would love to have you join us! Click here for registration information.

Georgia Feiste, owner of Collaborative Transitions, located in Lincoln, NE, is a business, career and personal life coach, writer, and workshop facilitator. Her passion is success grounded in purpose and passion, standards of integrity and priorities in life. She provides support and encouragement as her clients set intentional goals to attain their desires, holding open the space they need to stretch and grow. Her website is http://www.collaborativetransitions.com, and she can be reached at (402) 484-8098.

Tags: abundance, create joy by dding value, focus, limiting beliefs, Prosperity, selfulness, success, vision, wealth No Comments »

by Georgia Feiste

Joyful Living Created by Adding Value

November 22, 2009 in Enjoyment, Pleasure, Relationships, success

Excerpt from Fearless, Feisty and Free to Succeed:

We have talked quite a bit about discovering who you are by creating awareness of your values and priorities in life. We also discussed the strength you derive from believing in your own self-worth, and knowing that you deserve the abundance the universe has to offer you. Let’s step now into the conversation around being part of a bigger picture, a team member, or family member. We do not live in isolation, but in unity, and what we do, and how we feel has huge impacts on humanity as a whole.

Everyone has expectations around who we are and what we do – at work, at home, in social settings, and in our spiritual community. Adding value by fulfilling those expectations, and then going the extra mile, at little or no cost to ourselves, is incredibly powerful. Looking only for the biggest payoff of all – joy – we become incredibly attractive to those around us.

The joy you get from this activity is what makes you incredibly attractive to others. They trust you and want to work/be with you, even more than they value the service you provide.

Let’s explore ways in which to add value just for the joy of it:

Find out what others value. Spend time with the people important to you – your family, friends, customers and co-workers – and find out what adds value to their life. How do they define value? Really listening, and being open to their thoughts and concepts will add value to you, and increase your perception of how to provide sustenance to those around you while increasing your joy and expanding the breadth of your knowledge.
Immerse yourself in what brings you joy. Many of us go through life not knowing what brings us joy. It may involve some introspection, but it is worth the time and effort to discover what creates a joyful experience in your life. Usually, people feel pleasure when they are expressing their values. Consequently, this frequently means that providing value to others is nearly cost free. Conversely, if you are not feeling joy in what you are doing, your co-worker, family member, friend or customer will sense that something is not quite right.
Broadcast what you know without the hype. With the technology available today the means to add value to others is of little or no expense to you. In addition, when you stop pushing yourself on people, you immediately become more attractive. When you offer benefits that are desirable, you create a “pull” environment where people who enter into a relationship with you are there because they want to be, and will be delighted with you and your services as long as you meet their basic expectations. The relationships may be fewer, but they will be stronger.
Customize what you know and have to share to the people who want and need it. Go back to the first step and review what it is that others value. Determine the relationships you wish to grow and customize what you have to offer to precisely fit their wants and needs. Most importantly, don’t try to get your needs met by “adding value” to others. People can feel the difference between being manipulated (the added value is a hook) and a gift.
Create connections. Put people in touch with one another, adding value by creating community. People need to belong to groups and networks for emotional purposes as well as for building professional resources.

Fearless, Feisty and Free to Succeed starts our second group on January 5, 2010! Click here to get the registration specifics. This group will be in tele-class format for those who prefer to attend from the comfort of home.

Tags: abundance, add value just for the joy of it, attraction, connections, extra mile, joy, trust, unity, value, Values No Comments »