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Chronic Pain – Part I

March 26, 2012 in Fibromyalgia, Physical Health

Several years ago, my doctor diagnosed me with fibromyalgia. We tried pain pills for about a year, but I didn’t want to be on that merry-go-round, so I stopped taking them. I’ve been able to control the pain fairly well with exercise and cutting back quite a bit on sugar.

Now, as I’m getting older and have a bit of arthritis, too, I’m finding the pain management to be a bit more difficult to handle. And, my sweet spouse is working hard to deal with his own aches and pains from working a labor intensive job for 30 years.

As is my nature, I’ve embarked on a learning and practice adventure consisting of many different spokes to the health and aging wheel, and I thought you might like to join me. We are going to look at pain management through diet, exercise, sleep, meditation, water, holistic health alternatives, and attitude.

Let’s start where many of us don’t want to start – our diet. I don’t know about you, but I like to eat and I want my food to taste good.  In addition, I don’t have a large repertoire of fruits and vegetables. I grew up in Nebraska; a land of beef and grains, steak and potatoes. With this, we drank gallons of milk, and our regular treat was ice cream. We never had a garden, just a small bed of tomatoes and cucumbers. My mom loved to bake and we always had fresh bread, pies, cakes and cookies around the house. And, of course, chocolate is one of the four main food groups. This has been the way of our food for a very long time. What we didn’t know was the damage we have been doing to our bodies for over 50 years!

If you have fibromyalgia or arthritis, you are already painfully aware of how inflammation affects you. As I talk to people with fibro, they often speak of “flare ups” that rival Mt. St. Helen with the explosive power of pain. But, even more critical is the silent stealth of the inflammation attacking us at the cellular level, playing a significant role in developing heart disease, cancer, obesity, diabetes, allergies, arthritis and prostate disease.

Your body uses inflammation to signal you that something is wrong, and you should stop doing whatever it is that you are doing, or it sends millions of white blood cells to overpower whatever bacterium or virus has invaded your body, or your immune system raises the temperature of your body so high that whatever bug has hold of you dies of heatstroke.

It stands to reason that you don’t want your body to stop protecting and healing you, but you do want to get rid of the excessive, chronic and inappropriate inflammation. What is causing the malfunction in your body? You are out of balance! And, so are are millions of other people!

Our cells produce chemicals (prostaglandins) to create and quiet our inflammatory responses. These chemicals are produced by using the nutrients in our food, more specifically our bodies use the fatty acids in our foods to make prostaglandins.

Omega-6 fatty acids make inflammatory prostaglandins.

Omega-3 fatty acids make anti-inflammatory prostaglandins.

Those of us living in modern industrialized nations consume about twenty times more omega-6 as we do omega-3. In order for us to be in balance, we should be eating roughly equal amounts of omega-3 and omega-6 fatty acids.

Since most of us aren’t nutritionists, you are probably asking just like I did – ‘splain please!

When you go to the store, what do you buy? Boxes of processed food, some soda (which has it’s own problems), crackers, pasta, a jar of spaghetti sauce, maybe some cookies, breakfast bars, bread, cereal, milk, a little beef, and because we are eating healthy – chicken and/or turkey.  Most of us will get some vegetables, salad, salad dressing, etc. And, if you are single, and hate to cook for one – you may get some frozen TV dinners, pizza, and other assorted frozen items.

Today’s modern diet includes too many grains.  They tend to be high in omega-6 fatty acids.  We don’t eat as many fresh vegetables and legumes, which give us high amounts of omega-3 fatty acids.  More importantly, our livestock and even our seafood (farm-raised) are consuming high amounts of grains as well rather than their natural diet, so the milk we drink, eggs and meat we eat are lower in omega-3  and higher in omega-6 fatty acids. The end result?

Higher omega-6 + Lower omega-3

=

Higher pro-inflammatory prostaglandins + Lower anti-inflammatory prostaglandins

In part 2, we will talk about additional factors that can throw us out of balance, but this is enough to start with.

For the next week, when you go to the grocery, pay careful attention to what you are putting in your cart.  You don’t need to change anything, just write it down to increase your awareness. We are creatures of habit and we tend to walk through the aisles of the grocery and pick up what we are familiar with.

Once you are really paying attention and have increased your awareness, shift to more fresh vegetables and legumes, along with free range beef, chicken and turkey in lesser amounts that you might have eaten before.  Eliminate as much sugar as you can, and move toward a fresh diet rather than processed foods.  Let’s start there, and begin paying attention to what your body is telling you.

Georgia Feiste, owner of Collaborative Transitions Coaching, Inc., located in Lincoln, NE, is a personal growth and leadership coach, writer, and workshop facilitator.  She is also a Usui Reiki Master and EFT practitioner, living with Fibromyalgia.  While Georgia specializes in career, business and personal life transitions for people seeking change in their life, she is also passionate about working with people with chronic pain associated with FMS.  She is uniquely skilled in providing support and encouragement as her clients set intentional goals to attain their desires, holding open the space they need to stretch and grow. Her passion is success grounded in purpose and passion, standards of integrity and priorities in life.    Her websites are http://www.collaborativetransitions.com, where you can find her blogs about business and career, http://www.rainbowbridgecoach.com , where she and many other coaches blog about mind, body, spirit and emotion, and http://www.georgiafeiste.com where you can catch her thoughts on a wide variety of topics.  Georgia can be reached at (402) 304-1902 if you wish to schedule a 30 minute consultation.

Fibromyalgia Pain Relief with Yoga

August 13, 2010 in Fibromyalgia, Physical Health

FMS pain carries frustration and anxiety with it because you contract your muscles and your breathing when we feel pain.  When you have constricted your breath, you may  begin to feel anxiety which may make the pain worse.  Tightening your muscles also makes the pain worse. 

Because you don’t feel well, you don’t want to do anything – and that leads to a sedentary lifestyle – which makes the situation even more injurious to the entire body.  Your muscles weaken, your immunity levels drop and you can move quickly from frustration to depression.  Your situation can be a vicious cycle, or for some, a downward spiral.

As always, check with your physician(s) before starting any exercise program. 

People with chronic pain from Fibromyalgia deal with pain most of the time, with little to no relief.  Yoga can relieve some of that pain when you practice the gentle movements with caution and awareness.  There are a number of studies that show that a consistent practice of Yoga can reduce the amount of pain in those who suffer from chronic back pain, arthritis and fibromyalgia.

Because the practice of Yoga includes deep, slow breathing as you move into and through the postures, you can reduce the constriction in the muscles and bring a larger quantity of oxygen to the parts of your body in need of healing.  In addition, deep breathing helps you calm the anxiety caused by the pain, helping you relax and send a greater flow of energy and blood into the limbs that are most affected.

Yoga is not a cure for FMS, but it can provide you with a smaller amount of pain, resulting in better sleep, more strength, endurance and stamina, and increased your ability to look at your situation in a more positive manner. 

The most important component of the practice of Yoga is that you are in charge.  You do as much or as little as you can tolerate.  Some days you may be able to do more than others.  You never want to push the stretch further than you can tolerate; feel the stretch, but don’t push it so far as to feel sharp pain in the joints.  Listen to your body and adjust your poses and the intensity of the stretches.

I have found that I always get immediate pain relief with Yoga stretches and deep breathing.  For me, it’s because I sit in front of my computer for a good share of the day and my muscles get tight from not moving enough.  I’ve determined that this is also why I am so stiff and achey when I get up in the morning. 

When I first started practicing Yoga, I only did the standing exercises because it was too painful to lie down on the floor.  Quite frankly, I often had a hard time getting up off the floor.  But, with daily practice, and persistence I often finish my routine on the floor and then relax with some meditation at the end.

Yoga may not be the answer for you, but I encourage you to give it a try.  Just a few light stretches at a time.  Just until you begin to feel it.  Go a bit further each day. 

And, let me know how it goes, okay?

Blessings,

Georgia

Georgia Feiste, owner of Collaborative Transitions Coaching, Inc., located in Lincoln, NE, is a personal growth coach, writer, and workshop facilitator.  She is also a Usui Reiki Master, living with Fibromyalgia.  While Georgia specializes in career, business and personal life transitions for people seeking change in their life, she is also passionate about working with people with chronic pain associated with FMS.  She is uniquely skilled in providing support and encouragement as her clients set intentional goals to attain their desires, holding open the space they need to stretch and grow. Her passion is success grounded in purpose and passion, standards of integrity and priorities in life.    Her websites are http://www.collaborativetransitions.com, where you can find her blogs about business and career, http://www.rainbowbridgecoach.com , where she and many other coaches blog about mind, body, spirit and emotion, and http://www.georgiafeiste.com where you can catch her thoughts on a wide variety of topics.  Georgia can be reached at (402) 304-1902 or you can schedule a 30 minute consultation via Automated Appointment.

Fibromyalgia and Me

August 1, 2010 in Fibromyalgia, Healing, Physical Health

About ten years ago, my doctor diagnosed me with fibromyalgia. I was experiencing pain on a twenty four hour basis. It kept me up at night – I often would get only two or three hours of sleep. I was also diagnosed with IBS, and began to have severe issues with that, along with very severe headaches. I was working ten to twelve hour days, and was having difficulty keeping up with everything, including taking care of myself. Those of you with fibromyalgia are familiar with the story; those of you who are not have difficulty understanding and at times discount how miserable those living with FMS can feel.

Ten to fifteen million people are diagnosed with Fibromyalgia in the United States. All are searching for relief from the muscle and joint pain they are struggling with on a daily basis. This can be pain that is so severe, and accompanied by chronic fatigue, that it stops us from participating in life as it was meant to be lived.

Here is what those of us with FMS know: When we talk to doctors, we often hear “There is nothing wrong with you, it is all in your head”. My immediate reaction to this is not printable, so let’s go with “Not true”.

Not to alarm you, but, what if I told you that some of what you are experiencing is “in your head”. No, don’t stop reading! This is good news!

I recently read that “Fibromyalgia is a very serious disease that slowly progresses over time. There is no cure for it so the best alternative that people have is to slow the progression of the disease with medication and a proper diet. They can also use various medications to offer some relief from the pain. The amount of discomfort a person with Fibromyalgia suffers from can cause them to have trouble completing daily tasks as well as maintaining employment.”

Yes, well, that is an obvious approach. Eat right, kill the pain with pills. I knew that this was not enough for me – I wanted my old life back, as much as I could get, and I didn’t want to do it by masking the symptoms by taking drugs that either made me ill, caused me to gain weight, or made me so loopy I couldn’t keep my job.

We know Fibromyalgia is extremely difficult to diagnose, because the cause of it is confusing. Here is what I have been told about what causes Fibromyalgia, and I am sure you have heard much the same:

  • Depression
  • Trauma
  • Overexertion
  • Anxiety
  • Lack of exercise
  • Stress
  • Humidity
  • Lack of sleep or sleep disturbances
  • Infectious disease
  • Extremes of temperature
  • Abnormal functioning of the immune system
  • Lactic acid accumulation in the muscles
  • Food allergies
  • Serotonin deficiency
  • Anemia

What I discovered for me, and have since discussed with Dr. Chad A. Miller, board certified chiropractic neurologist, who specializes in patients with Fibromyalgia, is that Fibromyalgia needs to be approached from multiple directions, because it appears to have multiple causes, and no two people react to medical and alternative treatments exactly the same. (Miller, 2009)

According to Dr. Miller, Fibromyalgia is NOT a permanent diagnosis.

I was so excited when I heard this that I have spent a good portion of the last few years doing research on everything I can do to help myself live with FMS. I have tried everything I have read, trying to stay away from drugs as best I can, kept what works and let go of what didn’t. I am virtually pain free at this point, except for the aches and pains when I first get up in the morning, and many of my other symptoms are almost non-existent.

I have come to the conclusion that I don’t want to “have” FMS and I don’t want to be an FMS survivor – that labels me. I want to be me, all of me, not just part of me. So, the part of me that loves to share what I learn has decided to blog and coach around FMS in an effort to connect with like-minded people. I am going to share what I have learned about what causes Fibromyalgia, what has worked for me, and what hasn’t. There are many sites, and lots of opinions around which drugs are most effective. I will leave it to my readers to help me with that portion of the conversation – I rarely take any drugs for pain relief – I find that I actually hurt more when I do and the side effects get in the way of enjoying my life.

Thanks for joining, and I’ll talk to you again next week.

Georgia Feiste, owner of Collaborative Transitions Coaching, Inc., located in Lincoln, NE, is a personal growth coach, writer, and workshop facilitator.  She is also a Usui Reiki Master, living with Fibromyalgia.  While Georgia specializes in career, business and personal life transitions for people seeking change in their life, she is also passionate about working with people with chronic pain associated with FMS.  She is uniquely skilled in providing support and encouragement as her clients set intentional goals to attain their desires, holding open the space they need to stretch and grow. Her passion is success grounded in purpose and passion, standards of integrity and priorities in life.    Her websites are http://www.collaborativetransitions.com, where you can find her blogs about business and career, http://www.rainbowbridgecoach.com , where she and many other coaches blog about mind, body, spirit and emotion, and http://www.georgiafeiste.com where you can catch her thoughts on a wide variety of topics.  Georgia can be reached at (402) 304-1902 or you can schedule a 30 minute consultation via Automated Appointment.

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by Stella

16+ Things to Know To Help Yourself When Experiencing Child Loss

April 23, 2010 in Acceptance, Balance, Compassion, Grief, Grounding, Healing, Knowledge, Love, Physical Health, Rainbow Bridge Coaching and Healing, Spiritual Connection, Thought, Understanding, Wisdom

ME 2 SEATTLEMy  20 year old son Josh went  missing in 2005 and was missing  for almost 2 years.  I spent the better part of that time working and trying to continue being a mom to my three girls, a wife to my husband and a friend to my friends. Simultaneously I physically searched for my son as well as tried to drive as many people and agencies to keep looking for him with me as if it were their own child that had disappeared.

Police Station Today the police called and asked my husband Mike and I to come down again to the station and meet with Joshes dad and step mom for the umpteenth time. Little do I know that the rug will be pulled out from under me severely and quickly without any warning as it was 2 years ago when I was told that my 20 year old son Josh had gone missing. 

Upon arriving at the police conference room they told us that  my son had been found.  A moment of pure joy that was followed by the next comment b y the police,” his remains were found yesterday afternoon by some individuals in a remote area several hours away from Lewistown.  The area has been cordoned off and evidence is being collected.   

It takes all my strength and concentration to simply remain where I am under the continued assault of information.  Josh my son is dead.  I ask if they know what has happened and they say yes he has been killed and an investigation will follow. Joshua what happened did you know it was coming?  Did you suffer?  Did you think of me and wonder why I could not come and help you or even stop this terrible thing from happening?  Did you even know you were dying?  Or was it mercifully quick and painless?  I sure hope and pray you didn’t know or feel a thing.  (Excerpt from my diary and upcoming book “Grieving Joshie-A Mothers Triumph” by Stella Haight-Wichman)

Each grieving parent receives the news of their child’s death in some way, a phone call, in person, from a relative or friend.  It becomes our ground zero.  Complete and utter devastation.  We each respond in our own way.  Some emotionally, some go numb, some respond more physically feeling nauseous or feeling as if they were hit hard in the stomach. 

Understanding the reasons for our reactions goes far in how well and how soon we start our recovery from child loss.  Emotions as many of us may have learned, help to regulate our lives, to give us consistency, balance and stability.  So when we suddenly lose that balance as we do when we find out our child has died and life no longer makes any sense, our emotions are affected and felt often times immediately.

Our emotional response in turn causes a physical response often times felt as quickly as a second later.  Chemicals in our body are released ,  causing anxiety and stress which causes the heart to beat faster and can mimic a heart attack and the muscles in our body  contract causing a feeling of stiffness and weakness and tiredness, blood vessels constrict and may reroute blood causing a feeling of coldness in our bodies and or numbness even, antibodies that normally help to keep us from getting sick have a tough time keeping up with things and we may find we get sick more often or more severely. Neurohormones temporarily shut down our awareness so that we feel an emotional numbness not altogether feeling in touch with reality.  I have tried to keep the explanations here simple and in laymen’s terms and they are but a few of the many and different responses parents experience  when losing a child. 

A question I often had when experiencing all these varied and sudden emotional and physical reactions to my son’s death was what is normal?  Below is a listing of some normal reactions to child loss.

  • No emotion or feeling (a feeling of numbness or emotionally empty or dead)
  • Strong emotion (varying from a little to a lot)  Can be tears, hysterical laughter, anger, etc.
  • Inability to sit still (often needing to constantly move or roam about doing things)
  • Loss of focus (trouble with concentration similar to ADD)
  • Feelings of memory loss, fear, disorientation and confusion (as if you suddenly got Alzheimer’s)
  • Nostalgic yearning for and or longing (often times intense and constant)  
  • Changes in biorhythms (eating, sleeping etc)
  • Feeling controlled and overrun by memories
  • Attacked by guilt, anger or blame

A second question I had was what can I do to survive this?

We must give ourselves permission to grieve.  (to feel however we feel, to express our grief in any way that is appropriate for us and to know there is no wrong way unless it is immoral, illegal or is harmful to ourselves and or others i.e. cutting, starvation etc)  Studies point to more physical and psychological problems in the initial months following loss for those suppressing grief as well as more problems over a year and more later.  So expressing how we feel is a normal and healthy means to experiencing grief. 

A third question I had was what should I know to help me through this?

 

  • Hang with those who are supportive of allowing you to grieve your own way.
  • Talk to the child you lost as if they were actually there.
  • Find a professional  counselor, therapist, or grief recovery coach.  What better  time to hire a guide to help you through this painful grieving process so as to move forward easier and quicker.
  • Live in the moment and try and appreciate the small things.  The taste of an orange, the smell of the flowers, the feel of a warm bath!
  • Let others help!  This is a time that tables turned you would want to help out so give others the opportunity to help you with anything you need.
  • Stay close to those that love you.  You do not need any more loss in your life so it is worth focusing on trying to minimize the effects of your grief on your other relationships.  This also gives you something concrete to do to help you through your grief. 
  • Take care of you!  For all sorts of reasons but most of all because you matter in this world!  No telling who or how you might have an impact on someone else who is suddenly thrown into grief and may need your hard earned wisdoms, strength and direction!

Peace & Light,

Stella Wichman

Certified From Heartbreak to Happiness Coach
 
www.parentsgriefrecovery.com
 

“Who then can so softly bind up the wound of another as he who has felt the same wound himself?”

Thomas Jefferson

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by Stella

Do Men Grieve Differently Than Women?

April 7, 2010 in Acceptance, Balance, Compassion, Grief, Healing, Intuition, Knowledge, Love, Motivation, Perception, Physical Health, Purpose, Spiritual Connection, Thought, Understanding, Wisdom

ME 2 SEATTLEHow long can I cry each day before I run out of tears? 

I remember asking myself that a year and then again almost two years into the loss of my 20 year old son when he went missing.  I continued needing to vent sometimes long and hard and sometimes softly and briefly daily into the third year.  Mostly at night, late in the bathroom, alone and screaming into the bath towel.  The tail end of the 2 year his murdered remains were found hastily hidden in some brush in a remote area several hours from where we lived in Montana.  At some point into that third year after he had been found the daily spontaneous bursts of tears became not always so daily.  Here and there I was surprised when I woke up and realized I hadn’t cried at all the day before and it struck me as just short of miraculous.   I do not know if it was because I knew where he was now and that knew no one could hurt him again.  Or perhaps I was finally resolving my grief and learning to integrate it into my life and move forward, but it had finally started for me, my recovery and a sort of rebirth of sorts of the new me. 

I visited about this throughout the three years with my family and took note of how differently we each grieved during the loss of our Josh.  The women in the family all talked of tears off and on for a period of time.  Some cried more and some less.  Some were affected by depression others simply sadness, some got angry, some wanted to talk and some didn’t want to talk at all about their loss yet alone mine.  Most of the men in the family showed little outward emotion.  They did however spend a lot of time by themselves either praying or talking to Josh.  Each of them seemed to throw themselves in their work as a means of dealing with the stress and the anger over his murder.    

Dr. Colin Parkes, Hospice Pioneer says that there is an “optimal level of grieving” that differs from one person to another. No two people—no matter their gender—grieve alike. There is no right way to grieve. Someone once said that we grieve as we live. If someone is a reserved stoic in life in general, that person is likely to grieve as a reserved stoic. If someone else finds it easy to express emotion in life, then that person will be more likely to show grief by expressing emotion. What is important is that grief be expressed. What is not important is the specific manner in which that expression occurs.

So do men and women express their grief differently?

Phyllis Silverman, who did important work on grieving at Harvard, points out that there is a “male model” of loss, in which one speaks of “learning to break away from the past.” Persons—and they might be women or men—who follow this “male model” prefer to “get on with life” and quickly involve themselves in work or other activities.

A “female model” of grief, however, emphasizes connection rather than disengagement and separation. Those who identify with this model are more comfortable saying, “You don’t break your ties with the past; you change your ties.” People—and this, too, can be men and women—following the “female model” are more inclined to display grief to others, reach out to one or more persons around them, and to talk more openly about the loss.

Those who tend to follow the male model will work hard to keep from breaking down in front of others emotionally, keep to themselves more and are apt to refrain from asking for help.  These people feel an importance in being independent or autonomous.  The female model stresses connectedness and being related.  What is important is that men and women grieve consistently with how they respond to things in life. 

Their different outward expressions can cause criticism towards each other as they feel the other isn’t feeling the degree of pain the same.  We must realize that we are each different and grieve in our own way and there is neither right nor wrong except for those that stifle their grief  or demonstrate an unwillingness to fully express grief in any form at all.  To do so is to set ourselves up for a lifetime of anger, bitterness, illness and a feeling of apathy or deadness or lack of joy for the rest of our lives.  It is important whatever our method of grieving be, to be able to integrate that loss so we can again feel engaged in life and happy.  That is our goal in Grief Recovery and that is the outcome of healthy grieving.

Peace & Light,

Stella Wichman

Certified From Heartbreak to Happiness Coach
 
www.parentsgriefrecovery.com
 

“Who then can so softly bind up the wound of another as he who has felt the same wound himself?”

Thomas Jefferson

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by Stella

A GRANDPARENTS GRIEF TIMES TWO

March 13, 2010 in Acceptance, Balance, Compassion, Grief, Healing, Intuition, Knowledge, Love, Motivation, Perception, Physical Health, Purpose, Relationships, Spiritual Connection, Thought, Understanding, Wisdom

ME 2 SEATTLEI have had ample opportunity to visit with my own parents during our family’s loss of my son and had many a discussion with them as well as other grandparents about the potholes out there when traveling the road of a grieving grandparent. 

When a grandchild dies, the anguish of grandparents is doubled. Their grief for a son or daughter suffering this tragic loss only adds to the pain of the loss of the grandchild. 

When Grandparents outlive a grandchild this death seems out of order.  They often feel guilty for surviving.  Wondering why they couldn’t have died instead.  With the death of their grandchild goes the death of their immortality as well.  This idea brings them deep grief.

Grandparents also grieve the loss of their child, as they were before they were thrown into the grief of child loss.  They find they can not save their child from the grief as much as they would like to. They find themselves often in arguments and discussions leading to disagreements over things such as:

  • how grief should be expressed
  • how death rituals should be handled
  • the right and wrong way to grieve
  • how long one should grieve
  • individual reactions to the loss

 

These things can be like a minefield for grandparents to maneuver while watching helplessly the anguish of their child’s grief.

 

There are no guarantees, even in the best of relationships with their adult child and family there may be misunderstandings.  One of the most talked-about subjects in groups of bereaved parents is the lack of understanding from their parents.

 

Understand that Grandparents cannot protect their child from, or take away the child’s pain as much as they’d like to. 

 

The efforts needed by Grandparents to be on call to their adult child all the while watching their suffering is tremendous.  It puts an unbelievable demand on grandparents’ love, understanding, knowledge, and abilities—not to mention stamina.  No one expects to ever be in this position.  The emotional and psychological efforts seem unending and beyond endurance at times.  Even when finding some peace over the death of their grandchild many still mention the sadness they feel over the pain they see in their own child through the years. 

 

 Written below from a grief website is an excerpt written by Author Margaret Gerner who many years ago lost her 6 year old son and then years later her 3 year old granddaughter.  It is a good example of how terrible it is to not only miss your grandchild but the feelings of helplessness you have with your adult child which can be even greater:

I am powerlessness. I am helplessness. I am frustration. I sit with her and I cry with her. She cries for her daughter and I cry for mine. I can’t help her. I can’t reach inside her and take her broken heart. I must watch her suffer day after day.

I listen to her tell me over and over how she misses Emily, how she wants her back. I can’t bring Emily back for her. I can’t buy her an even better Emily than she had, like I could buy her an even better toy when she was a child. I can’t kiss the hurt and make it go away. I can’t even kiss even a small part of it away. There’s no band aid large enough to cover her bleeding heart.

There was a time I could listen to her talk about a fickle boyfriend and tell her it would be okay, and know in my heart that in two weeks she wouldn’t even think of him. Can I tell her it’ll be okay in two years when I know it will never be okay, that she will carry this pain of “what might have been” in her deepest heart for the rest of her life?

I see this young woman, my child, who was once carefree and fun-loving and bubbling with life, slumped in a chair with her eyes full of agony. Where is my power now? Where is my mother’s bag of tricks that will make it all better.

Why can’t I join her in the aloneness of her grief? As tight as my arms wrap around her, I can’t reach that aloneness.

What can I give her to make her better? A cold, wet cloth will ease the swelling of her crying eyes, but it won’t stop the reason for her tears. What treat will bring joy back to her? What prize will bring that happy child smile back? Where are the magic words to give her comfort? What chapter in Dr. Spock tells me how to do this? He has told me everything else I’ve needed to know.

Where are the answers?

I should have them.

I’m the mother.

I know that someday she’ll find happiness again, that her life will have meaning again. I can hold out hope for her someday, but what about now? this minute? this hour? this day?

I can give her my love and my prayers and my care and my concern. I could give her my life. But even that won’t help.

WHAT CAN YOU DO TO HELP YOUR GRIEVING CHILD? 

  • Encourage talking.  Let them talk about their child and their child’s death. This speeds up the healing process.
  • Allow your child to cry.  Crying and sobbing are all necessary means to working through grief.  It will pass and your child will feel better.  Try not to be disturbed by your child should she cry in front of others.  Your child is not there to take care of them.
  • Talk about your grandchild.  It tells your child you care.  It does not worsen things.  She is thinking all the time of her child as it is.  If it makes her cry realize that can be good for her.
    • Listen to your bereaved child.  The greatest gift you can give your child is to listen. Few bereaved parents have someone who will listen to stories about their child or to how guilty or angry they feel.  If you really listen, you’ll understand. Your child needs you to listen and needs you terribly.
    • Physically help your child.  The fatigue of grief is great!  Many have jobs and perhaps other children etc. to take care of while grieving and can use your help.  But always ask first.  Taking over without checking first can also produce stress for your child.
    • Take the surviving grandchildren for stretches of a day or even a half day.  This gives them a break away from the sadness in the home as well as a chance to talk with someone else about how they feel.
    • Physically hold your child.  There are times now as in the past that your child wants to be comforted.  A touch on the arm, a hug, a kiss, a tear or  to sitting near them while stroking their hair all are ways that you can actually feel like you are finally able to do something to help!

If you are a grandparent who has lost a grandchild, you have every reason to grieve deeply.  Sometimes there are no good answers for questions such as why did this happen?  Or what am I suppose to learn from this?  For now your job is to mourn this grandchild and take good care of your self as best you can.

WHAT CAN YOU DO FOR YOURSELF?

  • Look for support through groups, mental health centers, friends who have lost grand children etc. Read books and articles substituting grandparent for parent when necessary.
  • Be patient with yourself.
  • Don’t try to suppress your grief. Stoicism won’t work.
  • Select the relatives or friends who give you comfort, and tell them how you feel.
  • Don’t accept a comparison of your grief to that of others; grief is unique to each person.
  • Take time off from your grief occasionally.
  • Go visit a friend or take a short vacation at a place that you love.
  • Losing a beloved grandchild is a severe blow, but avoid thinking that life has no more to offer.

Some of the world’s greatest works such as music, writing and art came from personal tragedy.  Consider allowing them to comfort you and even possibly take them up as therapy for yourself either in studies or your own works.  Find your own ways to express your loss.  Find ways to fill the void in your life. If you have always wanted to paint, take up classes and possibly dedicate your efforts to the memory of your grandchild. Sign up as a volunteer for a local hospital or food bank. Helping others can strengthen the nurturing part of you that has been injured by this death. By putting your pain to work, the good that comes from it can heal.

When a great loss hits, we are numbed and life seems meaningless for a while.  But as time passes we begin to see that life is still worth living not just of others but for us as well.   Just as you loved your grandchild there are others friends, neighbors, even strangers who await your love.  For all the cruel twists in life it is still the only one we are given and you have every right to be a survivor and make the most of each day, each month, each year. 

So I invite you to consider starting right now!! 

Peace & Light,

Stella Wichman

Certified From Heartbreak to Happiness Coach
 
www.parentsgriefrecovery.com
 

“Who then can so softly bind up the wound of another as he who has felt the same wound himself?”

Thomas Jefferson

Macrobiotic Diet – day twelve

March 8, 2010 in Healing, Physical Health

Twelve days ago, I agreed to be an equal partner in a macrobiotic diet with my son. So, we embarked upon the 10 day cleansing diet, designed to get all the “clutter” out of your system. Being a life coach, I know about getting the “clutter” out of your life, and how it creates space for something new and wonderful. I thought this was a great idea. Little did I know what I was getting in to. My son did all the research, knew about balancing the yin and the yang, and which of the three health diets we should be on.

Let me explain. I have tolerated all vegetables throughout my life, and have a fairly wide range I will eat. But, I eat them sparingly. I love a good salad, but the rest of the vegetable family is just OK. I like cereal for breakfast in the morning, but generally have not eaten whole grains like oat groat or barley, topped with nuts and sunflower seeds. And, then there is the miso soup for breakfast with twig tea. Or, brown rice with adzuki beans. To make matters worse, I am not a fan of fish, and while I will eat tilapia, orange roughy and salmon occasionally – that’s it folks! And tartar sauce rules!

I like chicken and turkey, and a good steak once in a while – these are no more. I especially love fruit – and we are eating these sparingly.

Just so you know, I am not complaining! I feel so much better since we started, and I have lost some weight. I feel lighter, and I have more energy. These are the bonuses I knew we would find in following the diet. I don’t want those to go away, and am committed to sticking with this – and even learning to eat parsnips without gagging.  I also know that all change is a process. Sometimes we can take giant leaps.  Other times, we need to take it one sweet step at a time.

So, I’m asking the macrobiotic gurus….. can you do this diet five days a week and still get the benefits?

Not that I’m thinking I need to splurge on the other two days, but I would like to have some baked skinless chicken breast with my husband, or a good turkey sandwich once in a while. Beef kabobs sound good too. Or, maybe a grilled hamburger when the weather gets warmer?

Oh, by the way….. I couldn’t face tofu and couscous for lunch today. I stopped at Braeda for a whole grain bread/chicken salad sandwich, and prayed for forgiveness.  I was forgiven.  Better luck tomorrow.

Georgia Feiste, owner of Collaborative Transitions, located in Lincoln, NE, is a life transitions coach, writer, and workshop facilitator.  She specializes in career and personal life transitions for people seeking change in their life.  Georgia is uniquely skilled in providing support and encouragement as her clients set intentional goals to attain their desires, holding open the space they need to stretch and grow. Her passion is success grounded in purpose and passion, standards of integrity and priorities in life.    Her website is http://www.collaborativetransitions.com, where she blogs about business and career, and http://www.rainbowbridgecoach, where she and many other coaches blog about mind, body, spirit and emotion.  Georgia can be reached at (402) 484-8098.

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by Stella

Combating Grief’s Physical Effects

February 19, 2010 in Acceptance, Balance, Grief, Healing, Knowledge, Physical Health, Rainbow Bridge Coaching and Healing, Uncategorized, Understanding

ME 1 SEATTLE The physical effects of grief are many and varied.  Knowing this I slowly set out to get informed and therefore hopefully stave off many problems before they occurred to me after I lost my son.  The following is what I learned from not only my own Physician but also what I learned from many other grieving parents, as well as information I found in books, magazines and on the internet!  Some typical physical symptoms are as follows:

  • Insomnia
  • Appetite changes
  • Weight changes
  • Lethargy
  • Chest pains/heaviness
  • Elevated Blood Pressure
  • Abdominal/Intestinal Problems
  • Back/Spine/Vertebrae Problems
  • Headaches/Migraines
  • Palpitations

 These physical symptoms can result in a lowered immune system, which in turn can lead to a number of ailments ranging from mild to serious. Grief causes our bodies to undergo chemical changes, which puts us at risk for anything from an increase in the number of colds and flu viruses we may get to heart problems and cancer. 

 One of the chemical changes that happens to our body is an excess secretion of the adrenal hormone, Cortisol, in response to stress.  Elevated and more prolonged levels of Cortisol in the blood stream, associated with extreme stress, can cause negative effects on:  the thyroid gland (which affects metabolism, as well as many other functions), blood sugar, blood pressure, cholesterol, bones, muscles, and our immune system.

 Grief and stress can lead to a heart attack.  Excess Cortisol levels contribute to the development of heart disease and accelerate the potential for a heart attack.

 Researchers have uncovered another heart condition, which is directly connected to grief.  Broken Heart Syndrome, an actual medical crisis, appears as a heart attack; however, the heart’s recovery is quick without permanent heart damage from cell loss.  Broken Heart Syndrome is treated as a true heart attack to ensure proper diagnosis.

 When our immune system is compromised our body picks up germs easier.  Every virus and bacteria around us is just waiting to jump on our bandwagon.  When we are stressed and run down, a simple cold can worsen easily into bronchitis or pneumonia.  With Staph bacteria throughout our environment, even a small cut on a finger can lead to a serious infection, when our immunities are low.

 While it is easy to ignore our physical health, in doing so, we actually hinder our bodies’ natural coping process, thus, the overall healing process.  We owe it to our selves, our family, and our beloved children to take care of our selves.

 The guidelines for healthy living apply to us even more now with the additional stress brought on by our grief than they did before.  Some coping tools for our body’s health are:

  •  Eat a healthy diet
  • Exercise
  • Drink plenty of water
  • Get at least 15 minutes of sunshine per day
  • Take a well-rounded multivitamin daily
  • Take additional supplements, such as calcium/magnesium, iron, Vitamin E, etc. daily, based upon your body’s needs
  • Wash your hands thoroughly and frequently
  • Quit smoking
  • Moderate alcohol intake

 Remember most “comfort foods” are high in carbohydrates (such as potatoes) and/or calories/fat (like ice cream) and/or salt (an example is potato chips).  Since grief affects our metabolism, sensible eating habits are important to maintaining our weight, our blood sugar and cholesterol levels, as well as our blood pressure, all of which have an impact due to Cortisol.   If managing stress, therefore managing Cortisol levels, is a challenge for you, then eating a healthy diet will at least not compound Cortisol’s negative effects. 

 Exercise is a wonderful stress-reliever and is beneficial to our hearts, our weight management, and our overall fitness.  View it as even a walk around the block will at least provide us with some cardiovascular benefit as well as being a great mood lifter. 

 Yoga offers excellent exercise for the body and the mind.  This can be accomplished by taking a class or doing it at home.  There are many excellent DVD’s to get you started with Yoga as well as online classes and computer websites.

 Some form of exercise needs to be part of a daily routine, so find what works for you.  You may have to force yourself to exercise, but once you feel its benefits, you might find it easier to do.

 Drinking enough water throughout the day helps our body to flush out toxins through the liver and kidneys, including the chemicals in medications, which accumulate in these organs.  Water is also important in keeping our bladder and bowels functioning efficiently.

 Fifteen minutes of sunshine will replenish the Vitamin D, which is often lacking in our typical diets.  This brief exposure is necessary to soak up the Vitamin D and should not cause skin damage, especially with appropriate clothing and sunscreen.

 Generally, our diets do not provide sufficient vitamins and minerals, so supplements are necessary to maintain good health.  Often a multivitamin will not offer the recommended daily allowance (RDA) for specific needs, so additional supplementation is required.  For example, to prevent osteoporosis, most women should supplement with calcium/magnesium in addition to a daily multivitamin.  Visit with your Doctor about supplements such as additional B complex vitamins, magnesium and other natural supplements which are good for stress.  

 The benefits of thorough hand washing cannot be overemphasized, as our hands are germ carriers.  Keeping a small bottle of antibacterial hand cleanser or antibacterial wipes available is particularly helpful in stemming the germs on everything we touch –the grocery cart, the ATM machine, the countertop in the stores, door handles, etc. 

 Probably one of the most difficult changes we can make after we lost a child is to quit smoking.  Stress tends to cause us to smoke more, so our focus must start with at least cutting back on how much we smoke, with the goal of quitting.

 Likewise, the stress of our loss may cause us to increase the amount of alcohol we consume as a form of self-medication, drowning our sorrows, or escape.  We are in great danger of developing a problem with our alcohol consumption, and we need to be aware of its overall damaging effects on us and on those whom we love when consumed in excess. 

 Following these basic guidelines for better health, along with regular visits to your doctor and yearly physicals, will help you achieve a healthier body, as you battle the negative effects of stress brought on by loss and grief. 

 Next week I will address some of the problems grief causes with our mind as well as some coping tools that help.

                                                                Peace & Light,

Stella Wichman

Certified From Heartbreak to Happiness Coach
 
www.parentsgriefrecovery.com
 

“Who then can so softly bind up the wound of another as he who has felt the same wound himself?”

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by Stella

Whose Business Are You In?

February 4, 2010 in Acceptance, Balance, Grief, Grounding, Healing, Knowledge, Love, Perception, Physical Health, Purpose, Rainbow Bridge Coaching and Healing, Thought, Uncategorized, Understanding, Wisdom

ME 1 SEATTLE When I was training with The Grief Coach Academy of California I had the good fortune to study Byron Katie’s work!  She is an author and speaker and  created what she refers to as “The Work”.   This is also known as Inquiry Based Stressed Reduction (IBSR) which is a way to identify and question all thoughts that cause suffering, stress, reactivity and self-limitation.  Another valuable inquiry based tool I took away from studying her techniques and reading her books, is asking “Whose Business Are You In?”   

 She says there are only three kinds of business in the world: my business, your business, and God’s business (the God of your understanding).   Simply put if we are in someone else’s business then who’s left in ours?  No one!  This then leads us to feelings of loneliness, separation and frustration.

Paying attention to whose business you’re in – and then making the choice to return to your own business is a simple and powerful way I and countless others have found to get back calm and peace in your life.

So ask yourself: 

Whose business is it that I am grieving the loss of my child?

Answer:  My own business.

Whose business is it that you are worried because I am grieving?

Answer:  Your business.

Whose business is it that so many children die?

Answer:  God’s business.

Grieving parents are often in someone else’s business.   Sometimes we even find ourselves in our dead child’s business wondering things such as:

 What was my child going through when he died?  Did it hurt?, Was he suffering?,  Was he thinking of me?,  Did he understand what was happening?,  Is he happy now?,  Is he pain free now?   

Although these are all natural things to think about for a bit, if you find yourself stuck on or dwelling on these thoughts ask yourself if you are in your own business or your child’s business.   Remind yourself that if the answer is, I am in someone else’s, than gently steer yourself back to your own business.

Try using this simple tool on other thoughts that are causing you stress or grief such as:

 Whose business is it if your child is getting failing grades in college?

Whose business is it if you are paying for the college tuition?

Whose business is it if my child smokes?

Whose business is it if he is buying cigarettes with the spending money I give him?

Whose business is your height?

Rush hour traffic?

War in the world?

My mother’s depression?

My boss’s pessimism?

 

Pay attention to whose business you’re in and then choose to return to your own business. That’s where your point of peace and power is

Peace & Light,

Stella Wichman

Certified From Heartbreak to Happiness Coach
 
www.parentsgriefrecovery.com
 

“Who then can so softly bind up the wound of another as he who has felt the same wound himself?”

Purpose – What Problem Are You The Solution To?

December 21, 2009 in Grounding, Motivation, Physical Health, Prosperity, Purpose, Purposeful Employment, Rainbow Bridge Coaching and Healing, retirement, Thought, Understanding, Values, Vitality

I spent the morning with my good friend, Stella, today. We share many common interests including coaching, spirituality, love of nature, and the healing power of love. As usual, our conversations were all over the place, from her impending move to Montana, the growth and development of Rainbow Bridge Coaching and Healing, my desire to put together a Spiritual study of the differing world religions, and how to know what your niche is as a coach.

My dilemma in defining my niche has been two-fold. First, as a coach, we are often told to coach what you know. Well, I know a lot. How do I pick? Secondly, we are often told that we will begin to see a pattern around who is coming to us for coaching. OK, but it appears on the surface that people are coming to me for a variety of reasons – and there is no real pattern. All I could see was the synchronicity of what people were coming to me to be coached on: transitions I had completed in my life, or was close to completing, or were percolating along in the background. She then asked me a very “coachy” question – “What problem are you the solution to?”

I looked at her with this dumbfounded look on my face, I’m sure. The common thread, of course, was transitions. Moving from one stage of life to another, from a future dream to dealing with the present, from being a desirable and successful employee to being RIF’d, from full-time employment to solopreneur and retirement, from my mother role to supportive friend and confidant, and on and on. Yes, I know a lot – but the one thing I’m getting pretty darn good at is transition and change.

My next question was “what changes have you needed the most help with?” Ah, that was an easy one.

  • Learning that one of my children had an incurable disease that would leave him permanently disabled over time.
  • Learning one of my children was gay and the dreams I had from the time I conceived this child needed to be set aside, and new dreams built together, based on who he was. 
  • Getting to my mother-role of supportive friend and confidant to both of my children.   
  • Career transition – Knowing in my heart about six years ago that I no longer wanted to continue with the job I had held for better than 25 years, but stayed with out of loyalty I felt for the company and my family’s future. And, then being RIF’d from that same job three years later along with many other souls. My unhappiness had come through, and the Universe decided to do for me what I could not do for myself. However, my transition took the form of recognizing that I was not my job, nor was my job me.
  • Taking another job in a major insurance company, going through that transition, and then being RIF’d again after eighteen months as they began their downsizing. This was a useful step for me in my transition into retirement. It also supported my knowing that my job needed to support who I was, and needed to be chosen from purpose and passion.
  • Making the choice to retire and become a coach.  My transition into retirement is not completed, nor will it be for many years. However, I realized early on that I wanted a meaningful and purposeful retirement. Five days a week on the golf course was not the life I wanted to live for the next thirty years.
  • Discovering I have Fibromyalgia and Diabetes, and knowing that unless I take excellent care of myself, these chronic diseases will get the best of me.

So, have I answered “what problem am I the solution to?”

Every ending is the start of a new beginning. It’s normal to mourn the part of the journey that is coming to an end. It is what we know, and there is often fear of the unknown as we begin that next part of life’s journey. Sometimes, it is extremely difficult to end the portion of the journey that it is now time to let go of, and we vacillate back and forth for a very long time before we take a big breath and say “Okay, I’m ready, let’s go.” This is when I needed a coach, and I am thankful she was there to help me move through some incredibly tough times. The joy is in taking that next sweet step, and knowing it is the right step for you.

So, the problem: Change is a way of life, and is something we both embrace, and move with, or we become stuck.

The solution: If we are willing to move with the change, but are having difficulty, it is often helpful to hire a coach to help create clarity around the situation, focus on what it is we really want the outcome to be (vision), help us set goals and choose the next step, and the next, and the next, until we achieve the grace and luminosity of knowing we are on the path we are meant to be. All the while, providing support and encouragement as we make the shifts we need to make as we move forward.

This is what I know, but it is my truth. You must seek and find yours.