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How Do I Help A Grieving Parent?

August 13, 2010 in Acceptance, Balance, Career Coaching, Communication, Compassion, Fearless, Grief, Healing, Intuition, Knowledge, Love, Purpose, Relationships, Spiritual Connection, success, Thought, Uncategorized, Understanding, Wisdom

”What can I do to help someone who has lost a child? I get asked this quite often and although I have previously written some about it in my other blogs there are some additional things I would like to add. In my own experience many of my friends and family were great support, there were others however who either shied away from me as they did not know what to do or were worried they might say the wrong thing. Some were hit and miss, they were often one time helpful and another not. The following are some things you can do to better support a grieving parent:

Acknowledge that your friends child has died and the impact this has had on your friend. Show interest in your friends feelings and worries. Realize you cannot and do not need to make them feel better. It is okay and healthy for either or both of you to cry. Listen when your friend wants to talk and keep it confidential. Try not to give too much advice because you feel helpless. Your friend has all the answers and your job is to listen, reflect back and help them to find those answers from within themselves.

Admit you don’t know what to do for your friend. Let your friend know you feel inadequate to help and do not know what to do and take their direction if you can. If you feel overwhelmed by the intensity of it let your friend know why you need to take a break from it for awhile.

Learn what it is your grieving friend is experiencing. Read up on grief on the internet, check into books on grieving, talk with others that have dealt with grieving parents. Understand that your friend may be tired, irritable, edgy, forgetful and have trouble focusing due to anxiety, stress and grief. Realize that grief takes time and your friend is learning a new normal for him or herself. You may sometimes see that your friend needs you and other times they may want to be alone. Sometimes they will want to talk and other times be silent with you.

Help as and when you can- and realize small things help a lot too. Meals, breads, cookies, errand running, phone calls, offers to take other kids for a bit and cards and notes all help.

Try and take things with a grain of salt. Many grieving parents have not the energy to be considerate or nice so try not to take words or actions by them personally.

Grief changes a person and although some friendships deepen some drift apart. Try and be open and accepting of change and grieve if you must the loss of the old friendship.

Peace & Light,

Stella Wichman

Certified From Heartbreak to Happiness Coach

www.parentsgriefrecovery.com

“Who then can so softly bind up the wound of another as he who has felt the same wound himself?”

Thomas Jefferson

Tags: childloss, grief, grief caregivers, griefcoaching, griefjourney, grieving, grieving parents, helping grievers, parent grieving 1 Comment »

by Georgia Feiste

Everyday Heroes

August 9, 2010 in Compassion, Love, Relationships, Understanding, Values

I’ve had this thought strolling through my head for about a week now and it just won’t go away. Generally, when this occurs, it means that I need to do something with it. Most often I just write about it, but I feel like there is something more to this. It feels like I need to do something, start something, or ask people for something…

The phrase that won’t go away is “Everyday Heroes”. So, today, I did what I always do, I got on to the internet. There were 483,000 hits for that phrase – including the song, the lyrics, comics and even a play. There were places to put your nominations for your heroes, and news sites, videos on YouTube, and pictures portraying everyday heroes. However, there was one website that made me stop. I really wanted to spend some time there. The website is http://charityfocus.org and it is devoted to sharing kindness throughout the world. You can subscribe for free to a daily good news email and a variety of other activities – for free. On this website, you will find many ideas and suggestions for spreading kindness throughout our community.

I am thankful for the individuals who serve us – our police, firefighters, paramedics – they all do wonderful heroic things every day. Relatively few of us will ever have the opportunity to take on a situation that will require the actions that fulfill that definition of a hero. On the other hand, we all have the opportunity to be an everyday hero.

As we grow older, we often are pulled “to make a difference” in this world. I wonder what would happened if each one of us made an effort to be an everyday hero – in a very simple fashion. What if we made the effort to say thank you, to do something kind, or just to smile? What a difference that would make!

I have two requests: 1) Every day for a week do just one act of kindness – random or not. If it feels good to you, continue. 2) If you are interested, I would love to receive your everyday hero stories. Send them to me via e-mail and I will write about them on my blog and let the world know about the wonderful people who ask nothing, but give everything – often with just a hug.

Favorite Ideas for Kindness Acts (from Charity Focus: Helping Others)

Next time you cross the toll booth, pay toll for the person behind you.
Drop off a plant, flowers or apple pie at the police department.
Write notes or bring flowers or goodies to your past teachers.
Take flowers to a hospital ward and leave them for someone who hasn’t had any visitors.
Write a thank-you note to a person from your past that has made a difference in your life.
Surprise your neighbor by mowing their lawn.
Bring home-cooked meals, blankets, a bathroom kit and/or socks to a homeless person in your local community.

Georgia Feiste, owner of Collaborative Transitions Coaching, Inc., located in Lincoln, NE, is a personal growth coach, writer, and workshop facilitator. She is also a Usui Reiki Master. Georgia specializes in career, business and personal life transitions for people seeking change in their life. She is uniquely skilled in providing support and encouragement as her clients set intentional goals to attain their desires, holding open the space they need to stretch and grow. Her passion is success grounded in purpose and passion, standards of integrity and priorities in life. Her websites are http://www.collaborativetransitions.com, where you can find her blogs about business and career, http://www.rainbowbridgecoach.com , where she and many other coaches blog about mind, body, spirit and emotion, and http://www.georgiafeiste.com where you can catch her thoughts on a wide variety of topics. Georgia can be reached at (402) 304-1902 or you can schedule a 30 minute consultation via Automated Appointment.

Tags: everyday heros, how can I be a hero, random acts of kindness 2 Comments »

by Stella

How Many Children Do You Have?

June 11, 2010 in Acceptance, Balance, Communication, Compassion, Grief, Grounding, Healing, Intuition, Knowledge, Love, Motivation, Purpose, Rainbow Bridge Coaching and Healing, Relationships, Thought, Uncategorized, Understanding, Wisdom

Soon after my son’s murdered remains were found I was filling out a form and came to the question, “How many children do you have?” I remember feeling panic at that moment at how to answer this question I had previously answered easily for over twenty years. Logic said three girls but my heart thought no, that is not right, that seems like denying my sons existence. Next I thought, I have three girls and one son, four kids, no, that isn’t right either, is it?

Losing a child was bad enough and now staring me square in the face was this awful question that I now realized I was going to have to deal with not only once but numerous times I knew for the rest of my life. So I figured I might as well find the right answer for me for all those form questions and those individuals I would surely come across who would ask me as well.

In the beginning when I needed to tell my story of my son and how he had died I spoke in detail of how he had gone missing for almost two years and how and where his remains had been found as well as how his case was being pursued by numerous private, state, and federal agencies.

As the months began to pass and I found I had told my story enough and the grieving process had begun to heal me I found I did not need to go into the details any more. My needs had changed and so I rethought my answer.

Now I answer five stepchildren, three daughters and one angel son. I consider who is asking and why and whether or not they are going to be a continuing part of my life to determine if I am going to go any further in my answer. If so I tell them more so as not to feel as if we are dancing around the fact at hand of my son’s death. I may also explain that my husband’s first born daughter also died of spinal meningitis when she was two, many years before I met my husband. Better out in the open I figure, as it than loses its ability to interfere with the relationship.

If on the other hand the individual is just a passerby in my life than I leave it at five stepchildren, three daughters and one angel son and seldom does anyone pursue it beyond that. If they do or if they have follow up questions about my children I tell them that my 20 year old son went missing for almost two years and his remains were found at that point and the authorities are all in agreement of who did it and know who did it but it is still an ongoing investigation and they are waiting to make an arrest. Then I tell them about my stepchildren and daughters who are alive and well. This way I give them a chance to either acknowledge my son’s death and continue asking questions or ask about the rest of our kids. Doing it this way usually keeps everyone, including me comfortable.

The occasional embarrassed individual I feel bad for but I see it as their problem. Everyone is different when it comes to this question and no answer is a wrong one in fact my husband who lost a daughter in his first marriage along with his stepson (my son) answers seven children. For him this is what works.

Each of us has to decide what is right for us and then simply say it. In this way we strip the question of its ability to traumatize us, we take away it’s negative power and it can no longer have a harmful affect on us.

Peace & Light,

Stella Wichman

Certified From Heartbreak to Happiness Coach

www.parentsgriefrecovery.com

“Who then can so softly bind up the wound of another as he who has felt the same wound himself?”

Thomas Jefferson

Tags: attitude, Balance, decision-making, emotions, grief, Grief Recovery, grieving parents, growth, intuition, knowing, opportunity for growth, parents grief, Purpose, rainbow bridge, relationships, spiritual growth, Thought, trust yourself, understand 1 Comment »

by Stella

21 Things That Help Your Surviving Children When They Have Lost A Sibling

April 30, 2010 in Acceptance, Balance, Career Coaching, Communication, Compassion, Grief, Healing, Intuition, Knowledge, Love, Purpose, Rainbow Bridge Coaching and Healing, Relationships, Spiritual Connection, Thought, Understanding, Wisdom

When my son died an additional hardship was deciding how to tell his sisters as well as how to balance my own grief along with supporting them in theirs. The following is an excerpt from my diary and upcoming book “Grieving Joshie” by Stella Haight-Wichman

April 29th 2007 Going Home The police have just informed us that after almost 2 years of being missing they have found our son’s murdered remains. Now while we reel from the news we must tell the girls, his sisters.

Josh’s 17 year old sister is at their dad’s house. He will tell her the news there while I break the news to his oldest sister 24 over the phone and Josh’s 10 year old sister at my house .

I call Josh’s oldest sister who is married and lives out of state. Her husband answers and tells me she is gone for the weekend I tell him that her brothers remains have been found, that he is not coming back and that I do not want to ruin her weekend out with girlfriends so if he wants to tell her when she gets home or she can call me when she gets back and I will tell her. He says he will have her call me and that he is very sorry.

How do I tell Tia his youngest sister who has mourned his being missing for almost 2 years as only a little girl could, openly and with much grief and confusion? How can I tell her that her brother isn’t coming home again? How can I tell her that her brother is…dead? Finally I just go ahead and tell her that the police have told us they found Josh’s body and that he is dead. She looks stunned and then her eyes fill up with tears as she says “no” over and over as I hold her and she rocks back and forth crying. Her heart has just been broken completely open as mine has.

I am so tired. So much has happened today. I have had enough for one day, the rest will have to wait for tomorrow or another day. We cry together into the night until we fall asleep together mercifully.

You must do the thing you think you cannot do.

ELEANOR ROOSEVELT

April 30th 2007 Back At Home

The next afternoon Joshs littlest sister and I have a peaceful discussion about life and death. We talk about bodies being like dirty clothes encasing souls. I reassure her that Joshie will be like an angel watching over her. I tell her that she can talk to Joshie any time she likes, and that Joshie can hear her. I tell her that Joshies body is dead—but Joshie’s love is forever. She says she doesn’t want me to ever die and I tell her everything living eventually dies but that I plan on living a long time. She has a favorite book I gave her sister years ago called” Mama Do You Still Love Me?” I remind her of that story and tell her that I will always love her for as many days as there are stars in the sky. I tell her that all she must do when some day very far from now when she is an old grandma and I cannot be with her is look at the stars and know her mom is up there watching over her as her brother now is and that we will all be up there one day. This seems to answer all her questions at least for now. She quietly gets up from her bed and picks up the book she got for her brother at a garage sale right after he went missing so if I grounded him he would have something to do and says I guess i don’t need this anymore and hands it to me. We both start crying again…

Later that day my oldest daughter calls from out of state and tells me she tried to call me earlier and found my line busy and figured I was probably calling the rest of our family to break the news to them so she then says she called her dad and he already told her about her brother. I talk with her more and answer as many questions as I can amidst our tears until she finally has to hang up…

The following are a list of things that I and other parents who have lost children have compiled to help other parents when faced with the difficult task of telling their surviving children that one of their siblings has died. My wish is that in some small measure it helps.

Tell them as soon as you can.
Less is more here so tell them in a simple straight forward manner being careful not to get to explicit. They will ask more questions if they need to.
If they have a question you can’t answer tell them so.
Do not beat around the bush. Tell them using correct words such as dead not sleeping.
Ask them if they have any questions either now or later to not be afraid to ask them.
Share how you feel as a means of role modeling for them. An example would be saying I feel so sad that’s why I am crying. This gives them permission to cry too.
Talk about the deceased child using their name it helps everyone to work through it faster.
Be age appropriate when speaking to your child about their siblings death.
Talk about the many feelings that they and others feel when grieving, sad, lonely, depressed, teary, angry etc.
Read about sibling grief either in books, articles or on the internet to better help your surviving child.
Read an age appropriate book on grief to your child to not only help them talk and understand but because it also tells them they are not alone in this situation. That there are other kids who have lost siblings.
Tell them about the funeral , what happens and answer what questions they may have.
Help your child find ways to say goodbye to their deceased brother or sister.
Talk about what happens to people after they die according to your beliefs.
Make it clear to your child you are there for them and the many questions they may have.
Talk about the memories you both have bad or good.
Keep on the lookout for bad dreams. If they happen often talk about them.
Watch for changes in behavior both at home and at school such as: sleep problems, anxiety, eating problems, anger issues, troubles concentrating, clinginess, crabbiness, aggression, or fear.
Suggest doing something as a memorial for the sibling who has died. This often is comforting!
If something seems to go on too long or seems to be too severe call a Professional such as a Certified Grief Coach or Therapist.
Give your child extra love, attention and physical contact.

This is by no means everything that might help but is only meant to be a guide to start you off in the right direction should you need it.

Peace & Light,

Stella Wichman

Certified From Heartbreak to Happiness Coach

www.parentsgriefrecovery.com

“Who then can so softly bind up the wound of another as he who has felt the same wound himself?”

Thomas Jefferson

Tags: coaching, decision-making, emotions, grief, Grief Recovery, grieving parents, growth, intuition, knowing, parents grief, rainbow bridge, relationships, spiritual growth, Thought, trust, trust yourself, understand No Comments »

by Stella

The Rebalancing Of A Family After Child Loss

April 14, 2010 in Acceptance, Balance, Communication, Compassion, Grief, Healing, Intuition, Knowledge, Love, Purpose, Rainbow Bridge Coaching and Healing, Relationships, success, Thought, Understanding, Wisdom

When my son was found murdered, indeed even after he went missing I found that my family and myself instinctively knew that we needed to get itself back into the rhythm and balance that was lost when our Josh was gone. This feeling seemed to grow out of a necessity to not replace but to reorganize roles. I found that when your child dies there is a definite shift in the balance of the family and it helped for me to understand what needed to happen to again find that equilibrium.

It seems that the role of your child which held parental hopes and expectations, and was as well the object of love and focus of your family’s attention, is an important one, and its absence is felt keenly by everyone.

I observed families are a lot like an organization. They take on their own identity with their own characteristics and are more than the sum of their parts or in this case family members. They do not merely reflect the individuals that are in it.

In families it seems that when something happens to an individual it has an affect on the family and conversely if something happens to the family it has an affect on the individuals in that family. So for example when my son died I was preoccupied and withdrawn as I grieved at work and everywhere else for that matter which took my focus away from where it was usually therefore having an affect on others in the family. And because my focus was drawn away our loss not only was felt by each one of us but in addition it was as if my family lost me as well as Josh.

I have learned that families which have experienced child loss also work hard at regaining the balance in the family they had before the loss and may not even be aware of the fact that they are making changes to accomplish this. They may shift or change roles, rules, communication, expectations and behaviors to regain the equilibrium that stabilizes the family so it again operates consistently. There is no right way to achieve this as each family differs due to the uniqueness of its individuals.

My older girls each pitched in and spent more time with their little sister after losing their brother. They seemed to know instinctively that she would need that as he and she had been very close and spent a lot of time together. My oldest started calling me daily which she still does after 5 years as she knew her brother had regularly called me or visited on weekends and summers while in college. My youngest started turning into the family clown always trying to lighten things up when needed, which is the role her brother had filled in the family until he went missing. These are just a few examples of reassigned roles and obligations in our own family as we tried to reestablish a balance in our family again.

This happened entirely of its own accord in our family as water will move to fill a void when it’s there. Regardless of whether family balance is resolved healthily or successfully, the period of reorganization following a family’s loss I can say firsthand is very stressful.

I did find with other parents I have coached through grief that one must be careful of not doubling the grief for your surviving children by stealing their own unique identity by placing demands on them to take on the role of their deceased sibling. (Your brother was an accomplished basketball player and you should be too now) when they have no interest in basketball.

On the other hand sometimes if a surviving child has been in the shadow of his sibling (an accomplished basketball player for instance) he may be able to step into the limelight and shine now.

Remember that this is such an explosive time for each member of the family and one member’s grief can trigger another.

An accumulation of grief and pain in an individual or even in the family as a whole can trigger blowups. On the other hand at times the family can draw strength from each other and gain support and solace.

Recognize the need to look at each family members needs and weigh them against that of the family at times. An example would be everyone wanted to celebrate Christmas traditionally at home and I wanted to get away instead and so we celebrated out of town at my oldest daughters. It is important to strike a delicate balance so as to encourage healthy grieving and communication and unity rather than the opposite. Compromise seems to be in order here as each person finds that the health of the whole family is the goal and that each family member will have situations come up that will take precedence.

Remember that each family member does not have the same needs, grieve the same nor have the same relationship with the deceased individual. There are personal differences which must be taken into account. Individual factors are responsible for how each person will react to grief rather than similarity to others in the family or the fact that they all lost the same person in the family.

Lastly the very thing that helps which is the closeness of the remaining members of the family also can be the very thing that threatens to destroy the family. It is easy when we are hurting to place blame, be angry, make false accusations, and place unfair expectations on those we need the most due to irrational demands or fear of upsetting another in the family.

Although a huge undertaking the surviving family needs to reorganize itself to survive and must cope with the stresses of containing different grievers, each with different, unique needs. It is indeed a huge job and what is needed is patience, love, compassion and understanding.

Peace & Light,

Stella Wichman

Certified From Heartbreak to Happiness Coach

www.parentsgriefrecovery.com

“Who then can so softly bind up the wound of another as he who has felt the same wound himself?”

Thomas Jefferson

Tags: attitude, Balance, coaching, Communication, decision-making, emotions, fear, gratitude, grief, Grief Recovery, grieving parents, growth, intuition, knowing, Love, opportunity for growth, parents grief, Purpose, rainbow bridge, relationships, success, Thought, understand, unity No Comments »

by Georgia Feiste

Moments of Kindness

March 28, 2010 in Compassion, Healing, Relationships, Spiritual Connection

Sometimes the hardest part of being creative is starting. We are expecting the flow to occur, the brilliant idea to bloom, something to occur to us that will knock the socks off our fans. Unfortunately, there are days when it just doesn’t occur, but we start anyway. There is something about the beginning that inspires the ending, and the creative juices begin to flow, or at least we can follow the stream of consciousness to a logical end.

Okay, maybe not. Being semi-retired and a beautiful day inspires me to be outside rather than inside writing my next blog. Today was one of those days. It was warm enough to walk outside without a heavy jacket. The heat of the sun seeped into my bones making me feel cozy and snug in my own body, and my heart expanded as if were the beautiful crocus blooming in my front yard. It rained yesterday; the first rain of spring. The yards began to green, the trees to bud, and everything felt fresh and new. My mind is shifting to rebirth not only of the physical world around us, but of our spirit.

The Dalai Lama said “Whether one believes in a religion or not, and whether one believes in rebirth or not, there isn’t anyone who doesn’t appreciate kindness and compassion.”

In an effort to remove myself from the rancor surrounding the passing of the health reform bill, I have made a stronger effort each day to be kind to everyone I meet; to show compassion to those who are struggling. By taking charge of who I am willing to be, I found myself to be more peaceful, and gentler with those around me. Life became easier and the drive to “do” lessened.

In my quest for more kindness, I discovered a wonderful website called “A Million Moments of Kindness” where you can submit your stories of kindness. They also provide links to newspapers which have columns on kindness. Each story I read on this website touched my heart, revealing the compassion we are capable of as human beings. I would love to hear your stories, and encourage you to post your kindness stories at “A Million Moments of Kindness”. MamaRed asks us to make continual deposits in the Universal Bank of Kindness and change our focus from all the nastiness in the world to filling our days with acts of kindness; shifting our spirit.

Have you performed a random act of kindness today or been the recipient of one? Please share your story with others so they might begin to change their focus.

Georgia Feiste, owner of Collaborative Transitions, located in Lincoln, NE, is a life transitions coach, writer, and workshop facilitator. She specializes in career and personal life transitions for people seeking change in their life. Georgia is uniquely skilled in providing support and encouragement as her clients set intentional goals to attain their desires, holding open the space they need to stretch and grow. Her passion is success grounded in purpose and passion, standards of integrity and priorities in life. Her website is http://www.collaborativetransitions.com, where she blogs about business and career, and http://www.rainbowbridgecoach, where she and many other coaches blog about mind, body, spirit and emotion. Georgia can be reached at (402) 484-8098.

Tags: Compassion, Creative, kindness, rebirth, spirit No Comments »

by Stella

WHAT DOES GRIEF RECOVERY MEAN?

March 26, 2010 in Acceptance, Balance, Compassion, Grief, Grounding, Healing, Knowledge, Love, Motivation, Purpose, Rainbow Bridge Coaching and Healing, Relationships, Spiritual Connection, success, Thought, Understanding, Wisdom

In January I touched upon the subject of recovery after the death of a child. When I say recovery I do not mean a neatly complete type of closure but rather a regaining of the ability to function at a previous level, an integration of one’s loss and a successful resolution of the situation. In some ways, though, we can never recover totally, because we will never be exactly the way we were before. The loss of a child, changes us in many ways. What we can recover are our attributes and our capabilities, even though other aspects of us are different. We now have a slightly different self, due to the changes in us and our world as a consequence of our Child’s death.

THE RECOVERY GOAL

Our goal in grief recovery should be to learn to live with our loss and to adjust to our new “Normal”. This is arrived at by making many adjustments; I call them course corrections due to our new identity, our new relationship with the child we lost and readjusting to our new life without our child. This happens at the uniquely right time for each one of us and happens by reinvesting ourselves in new people, things, goals, pursuits etc. This is not the same thing as wanting or choosing the loss it just means you no longer have to fight it. You accept it in the way of learning to live with it as a fact of our life.

Recovery is when we can combine the past with the new present. Not that we will ever forget but we will not always agonize over our loss as much or as hard. Just like a physical operation which leaves a scar, our recovery from grief will also leave a psychic scar. And although we will be able to live our life there will be days again just like having a physical scar that it will throb or ache. It will remind us of what we have been through and that we will have to deal with it until it passes.

WHAT RECOVERY DOES NOT MEAN

Recovery does not mean forgetting our child or the way things were. It is not the end of our relationship with that child. It most certainly does not mean the end of our pain and that we are always happy again. We choose what recovery isn’t! Recovery will not mean that we do not experience bursts of grief as we live our life coming from familiar smells, sights, sounds, places, occasions and reminders of our child. It does not mean that we won’t wish for our child to be present for certain events in our life nor that our child was present to experience many of the things in life like graduation, marriage, children etc. that we imagined they would be experiencing. And it certainly does not mean we will not wonder what they might look like at a certain age or wish they were able to share in our joys or be proud of us even.

Recovery does not mean the end of grieving; it means we have painfully but successfully integrated the loss of our child so as not to interfere with our ongoing healthy functioning new life as we now know it. We will never stop grieving entirely. The following passage discussing widows is written by psychiatrist Gerald Caplan. It can be applied to bereaved parents as well.

We now realize that most [bereaved persons] continue the psychological work of mourning for their loved ones for the rest of their lives. During the turmoil and struggles of the first one to three years, most [bereaved persons] generally learn how to circumscribe and segregate this mourning within their mental economy and how to continue living despite its burden. After this time they are no longer actively mourning, but their loss remains a part of them and now and again they are caught up in a resurgence of feelings of grief. This happens with decreasing frequency as time goes on, but never ceases entirely. (Caplan 1974, viii).

The goal for a bereaved parent in Grief Recovery should be to come to terms with their grief and to have healthy productive lives in spite of the loss of their child rather than expecting a complete and permanent end to their grief.

WHAT RECOVERY MEANS

Grief changes you. It redefines roles, relationships and skills. Again like a physical scar the psychic scar we now have can give us character or vulnerability. But it is up to us how we will respond. We did not have a choice in losing our child but for the rest of our life we can choose how to respond to the scar after we have worked through the early on acute period of grief which affects all areas of our life. It is up to us whether or not after that we want to make the most out of our lives or stay bitter, whether we choose to integrate the loss into our lives so we grow or stay stuck in our grief like tires in the sand unable to move forward. Eventually we may be able to see how our loss can also be a gift from our child to use in incredible ways that would have otherwise never had happened if not for our loss. Or we can carry with us the sense that the world owes us now. It is our choice.

There are an incredible number of parents who have shown the positive things that can be done after losing a child. This is not the same thing as choosing to lose your child but choosing to recover from it and make something positive from a negative situation. I do not mean this to sound unrealistically positive or sappy as in denying our pain and the price we pay for losing our child. Instead I mean that even though we have lost our child we can decide that it will have some positive meaning for the rest of our own life.

The numbers of positive varied responses I have been privileged to see or hear about are amazing. As in the song “To Live Like You Were Dying” being touched by the death of our child opens our eyes to new possibilities and experiences and priorities that we may not have seen before or choose to overlook in the past. An example would be spending more time with the loved ones we still have. Not putting off saying things or doing things with them as we now know how precious, brief and fragile life can be but living each day more fully and meaningfully because of the death.

Many grieving parents find themselves more compassionate and caring towards others as they have developed a new sensitivity due to their loss. They have found a new or enhanced ability to pick up on and discuss sensitive emotional issues with others. Parents I have talked to often note increased religiousness and spirituality as well as heightened levels of consciousness. Like a dying individual the experience of losing a child has opened many parents up to taking time to enjoy the simple things in life that they once were in too big of a hurry to even notice. Many turn to the arts creating music, art, literature etc. from their pain.
Many decide to take their pain and rage and funnel it into helping others which in turn helps them as well. They start or assist in support groups for bereaved parents to help other grieving parents such as Compassionate Friends for example. Many bereaved parents strive to get political changes made through groups like Parents of Murdered Children to ensure no others suffer the same bereavement.

Successfully enduring the pain and suffering of grief allows us to find a deeper sense of self-worth, understanding of ourselves, life and of others. We are more passionate, compassionate and stronger than we were because we faced and got through our adversity. The death of our child has been one of our greatest lessons!

Many parents find some things are sweeter so to speak than ever before. Our relationships take on new dimensions as we have survived the worst. We want to get on with the business of living focusing on our newly found priorities. We are more assertive and set more limits than we may have before as we don’t wish to waste time on the people and things we put up with in the past.

Many parents find their own way to recovery and others like me rather than take the amount of time it takes to figure it out ourselves choose to use a Grief Recovery Coach. Some parents choose the opposite of the responses above and can become hardened, angry, and bitter and stuck in their grief. This is their choice too. You can not change others just your response to others. This goes here too! You did not have a choice in your child’s death but you do have a choice in your response to the death once the initial shock has worn off. Recognize you can make a choice. Take responsibility for the choice you make and do not think that if you chose something positive and constructive with the loss you have somehow betrayed your child or have stopped loving them. On the contrary many parents see it as a way of honoring their child! A way to continue their relationship with that child and to love them despite death!

Peace & Light,

Stella Wichman

Certified From Heartbreak to Happiness Coach

www.parentsgriefrecovery.com

“Who then can so softly bind up the wound of another as he who has felt the same wound himself?”

Thomas Jefferson

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by Stella

A GRANDPARENTS GRIEF TIMES TWO

March 13, 2010 in Acceptance, Balance, Compassion, Grief, Healing, Intuition, Knowledge, Love, Motivation, Perception, Physical Health, Purpose, Relationships, Spiritual Connection, Thought, Understanding, Wisdom

I have had ample opportunity to visit with my own parents during our family’s loss of my son and had many a discussion with them as well as other grandparents about the potholes out there when traveling the road of a grieving grandparent.

When a grandchild dies, the anguish of grandparents is doubled. Their grief for a son or daughter suffering this tragic loss only adds to the pain of the loss of the grandchild.

When Grandparents outlive a grandchild this death seems out of order. They often feel guilty for surviving. Wondering why they couldn’t have died instead. With the death of their grandchild goes the death of their immortality as well. This idea brings them deep grief.

Grandparents also grieve the loss of their child, as they were before they were thrown into the grief of child loss. They find they can not save their child from the grief as much as they would like to. They find themselves often in arguments and discussions leading to disagreements over things such as:

how grief should be expressed
how death rituals should be handled
the right and wrong way to grieve
how long one should grieve
individual reactions to the loss

These things can be like a minefield for grandparents to maneuver while watching helplessly the anguish of their child’s grief.

There are no guarantees, even in the best of relationships with their adult child and family there may be misunderstandings. One of the most talked-about subjects in groups of bereaved parents is the lack of understanding from their parents.

Understand that Grandparents cannot protect their child from, or take away the child’s pain as much as they’d like to.

The efforts needed by Grandparents to be on call to their adult child all the while watching their suffering is tremendous. It puts an unbelievable demand on grandparents’ love, understanding, knowledge, and abilities—not to mention stamina. No one expects to ever be in this position. The emotional and psychological efforts seem unending and beyond endurance at times. Even when finding some peace over the death of their grandchild many still mention the sadness they feel over the pain they see in their own child through the years.

Written below from a grief website is an excerpt written by Author Margaret Gerner who many years ago lost her 6 year old son and then years later her 3 year old granddaughter. It is a good example of how terrible it is to not only miss your grandchild but the feelings of helplessness you have with your adult child which can be even greater:

I am powerlessness. I am helplessness. I am frustration. I sit with her and I cry with her. She cries for her daughter and I cry for mine. I can’t help her. I can’t reach inside her and take her broken heart. I must watch her suffer day after day.

I listen to her tell me over and over how she misses Emily, how she wants her back. I can’t bring Emily back for her. I can’t buy her an even better Emily than she had, like I could buy her an even better toy when she was a child. I can’t kiss the hurt and make it go away. I can’t even kiss even a small part of it away. There’s no band aid large enough to cover her bleeding heart.

There was a time I could listen to her talk about a fickle boyfriend and tell her it would be okay, and know in my heart that in two weeks she wouldn’t even think of him. Can I tell her it’ll be okay in two years when I know it will never be okay, that she will carry this pain of “what might have been” in her deepest heart for the rest of her life?

I see this young woman, my child, who was once carefree and fun-loving and bubbling with life, slumped in a chair with her eyes full of agony. Where is my power now? Where is my mother’s bag of tricks that will make it all better.

Why can’t I join her in the aloneness of her grief? As tight as my arms wrap around her, I can’t reach that aloneness.

What can I give her to make her better? A cold, wet cloth will ease the swelling of her crying eyes, but it won’t stop the reason for her tears. What treat will bring joy back to her? What prize will bring that happy child smile back? Where are the magic words to give her comfort? What chapter in Dr. Spock tells me how to do this? He has told me everything else I’ve needed to know.

Where are the answers?

I should have them.

I’m the mother.

I know that someday she’ll find happiness again, that her life will have meaning again. I can hold out hope for her someday, but what about now? this minute? this hour? this day?

I can give her my love and my prayers and my care and my concern. I could give her my life. But even that won’t help.

WHAT CAN YOU DO TO HELP YOUR GRIEVING CHILD?

Encourage talking. Let them talk about their child and their child’s death. This speeds up the healing process.
Allow your child to cry. Crying and sobbing are all necessary means to working through grief. It will pass and your child will feel better. Try not to be disturbed by your child should she cry in front of others. Your child is not there to take care of them.
Talk about your grandchild. It tells your child you care. It does not worsen things. She is thinking all the time of her child as it is. If it makes her cry realize that can be good for her.
- Listen to your bereaved child. The greatest gift you can give your child is to listen. Few bereaved parents have someone who will listen to stories about their child or to how guilty or angry they feel. If you really listen, you’ll understand. Your child needs you to listen and needs you terribly.
- Physically help your child. The fatigue of grief is great! Many have jobs and perhaps other children etc. to take care of while grieving and can use your help. But always ask first. Taking over without checking first can also produce stress for your child.
- Take the surviving grandchildren for stretches of a day or even a half day. This gives them a break away from the sadness in the home as well as a chance to talk with someone else about how they feel.
- Physically hold your child. There are times now as in the past that your child wants to be comforted. A touch on the arm, a hug, a kiss, a tear or to sitting near them while stroking their hair all are ways that you can actually feel like you are finally able to do something to help!

If you are a grandparent who has lost a grandchild, you have every reason to grieve deeply. Sometimes there are no good answers for questions such as why did this happen? Or what am I suppose to learn from this? For now your job is to mourn this grandchild and take good care of your self as best you can.

WHAT CAN YOU DO FOR YOURSELF?

Look for support through groups, mental health centers, friends who have lost grand children etc. Read books and articles substituting grandparent for parent when necessary.
Be patient with yourself.
Don’t try to suppress your grief. Stoicism won’t work.
Select the relatives or friends who give you comfort, and tell them how you feel.
Don’t accept a comparison of your grief to that of others; grief is unique to each person.
Take time off from your grief occasionally.
Go visit a friend or take a short vacation at a place that you love.
Losing a beloved grandchild is a severe blow, but avoid thinking that life has no more to offer.

Some of the world’s greatest works such as music, writing and art came from personal tragedy. Consider allowing them to comfort you and even possibly take them up as therapy for yourself either in studies or your own works. Find your own ways to express your loss. Find ways to fill the void in your life. If you have always wanted to paint, take up classes and possibly dedicate your efforts to the memory of your grandchild. Sign up as a volunteer for a local hospital or food bank. Helping others can strengthen the nurturing part of you that has been injured by this death. By putting your pain to work, the good that comes from it can heal.

When a great loss hits, we are numbed and life seems meaningless for a while. But as time passes we begin to see that life is still worth living not just of others but for us as well. Just as you loved your grandchild there are others friends, neighbors, even strangers who await your love. For all the cruel twists in life it is still the only one we are given and you have every right to be a survivor and make the most of each day, each month, each year.

So I invite you to consider starting right now!!

Peace & Light,

Stella Wichman

Certified From Heartbreak to Happiness Coach

www.parentsgriefrecovery.com

“Who then can so softly bind up the wound of another as he who has felt the same wound himself?”

Thomas Jefferson

Tags: attitude, Balance, coaching, decision-making, emotions, grief, Grief Recovery, grieving parents, intuition, knowing, Love, opportunity for growth, parents grief, Purpose, relationships, spiritual growth, Thought, understand 1 Comment »

by Georgia Feiste

When Do You Say Enough Is Enough?

February 14, 2010 in Enjoyment, Knowledge, Pleasure, Prosperity, Relationships, Relaxation, Wisdom

Do you know when enough is enough? Whether you have enough “stuff”, enough work, enough money, enough food? We don’t live in a country that is given to recognizing this particular thought process, and we are having difficulty dealing with an economy that finally went into overload and surpassed it’s ability to keep growing, thereby destroying itself.

The ninth verse of the Tao Te Ching is ostensibly about humility. Knowing when enough is enough. It talks about the pursuit of great riches and the accumulation of so much that you can find no one to protect or insure it. Filling yourself with honor and pride to the point where no one around you can save you from the fall as described in my blog “Creating Better Relationships By Honoring Your Humanity”. Or, sharpening a blade so much that it loses it’s edge, making it useless.

I don’t consider myself to be old, but find myself wishing for the days where we lived our lives waiting for the post office to deliver mail – more letters than hype, or even just e-mail! Now, we are bombarded with information and communication constantly. Many walk around with cell phones glued to their ears, texting back and forth, forever on-line; constantly in contact, never in stillness. It is difficult to know what is real because we only know what we are being told in 140 characters or less, without ever developing the trust and intimacy of a real relationship. Television, advertisements, newspapers and magazines are continuously telling us that if we aren’t going after more in order to be happy or successful, or we aren’t growing our wealth, our homes, or our vehicle count, we are failures. When, in fact, I believe the opposite to be a more appropriate thought process.

More is not necessarily better. More takes the wonder and delight out of receiving something new. When you have $31 Billion, do you take delight in receiving any money? When you are wading through hundreds of e-mails, do you cherish the one you received from someone you love? When you have finished your work, do you strive to do more – in order to have more money, power, or recognition – or do you stop and enjoy the fruits of your labor?

When my mother-in-law passed away, and family was going through her things, they found boxes of letters she had saved for decades. My husband wrote his mother on a weekly basis for years sharing the details of our lives, none of which was trivial to her; she never threw them away. She refused e-mail or a telephone call; Mom never owned a computer, and she couldn’t hear over the telephone. But those letters were well read, folded and unfolded many times, treasured for the words and the love they contained. Mom never had much use for the accumulation of things. The people in her life were her fortune, the squirrel outside her window her entertainment. She didn’t eat much, but she savored every bite of food she put in her mouth and ate only what she loved.

In “Timing Is Everything” we talked about living fully in the present moment, and taking pleasure in what you are doing rather than in how it might benefit you in the future. The two ideas flow smoothly into one another. If you are savoring everything you do, and keeping yourself open to the possibilities, you will know when enough is enough. When the work is done, relax and enjoy the fruits of your labor.

When you sit down to your next meal, select small portions of those items you love, and savor each bite; stop after a few moments and ask if you are still hungry. If not, call your meal finished and remember how you savored what you ate.

When you have amassed enough wealth to sustain you in your retirement, stop the constant pursuit for something more. Enjoy the time and money you have to live and share with others.

Where can you focus on your activities rather than seeking “more”? When does enough become enough?

Georgia Feiste, owner of Collaborative Transitions, located in Lincoln, NE, is a life transitions coach, writer, and workshop facilitator. She specializes in business, career and personal life transitions. Coming from a 30 year background in a C-level corporate position, she is uniquely skilled in providing support and encouragement as her clients set intentional goals to attain their desires, holding open the space they need to stretch and grow. Her passion is success grounded in purpose and passion, standards of integrity and priorities in life. Her website is http://www.collaborativetransitions.com, where she blogs about business and career, and http://www.rainbowbridgecoach, where she and many other coaches blog about mind, body, spirit and emotion. Georgia can be reached at (402) 484-8098.

Tags: enjoy the present, humility, life in the now, savor the moment, Tao 2 Comments »

by Georgia Feiste

Distinctions: Respect vs. Recognition

February 10, 2010 in Fearless Feisty and Free, Perception, Rainbow Bridge Coaching and Healing, Relationships, success, Understanding, Values

I’ve been reading quite a few articles and blogs lately about the importance of recognition in the workplace. Recognition programs are used in an effort to improve employee morale, and companies spend a great deal of money on team events, gifts, recognition cards, and other paraphernalia in the attempt to make that happen. I have been mulling this around in my mind for several days now, and wanted to share with all of you some thoughts on the difference between recognition and respect. Does one feed the other, or are they distinctly different?

Recognition comes from the Latin recognoscere, meaning knowledge or feeling that someone or something present has been encountered before. Modern usage is of the word signifies special notice or attention. Recognition, for me, is about praise for actions, attitude, or work well done. Or, it can be about reprimand for attitude, actions or work that is not up to expectation; the shadow side of recognition. Individually, recognition is about striving for external validation that what you are doing is meaningful and making a difference, earning praise from your family and friends, superiors and peers, as well as customers. From a company perspective, this is good information to have, as feedback, but does it fulfill the intentions of improving employee morale? At a personal level, does it improve self-esteem?

Per the Merriam-Webster dictionary, respect comes from the Latin respectus, meaning to look back or regard. Modern definition is about high or special regard, or esteem. My interpretation of respect is about holding the individual in your heart as valid, knowledgeable, confident, and excellent at what they do. It is about giving them your full attention, listening deeply and fully so they know you get them. Respect has a power to it. A deep flowing of positive energy, and comes from a strength of character within the person giving it.

It occurs to me that recognition is about receiving, while respect is about giving. Do you agree?

As a manager or business owner, it is good to know that when you and your employees treat each other with respect, and all your actions and attitudes flow from that perspective, there will be no need for a recognition program. Feedback will flow freely, because both positive and negative feedback will be given out of respect for the individual. Learning in your organization will happen by example. Boundaries will be known, and standards will be set. The expectations will be well explained and widely known.

From an individual perspective, respect is an internal action taken in creating balance and integrity in your life. It is the intentional choices you make to live your values and your priorities, bringing you to a state of non-judgment. For example, if one of your priorities is to watch what you eat and be as physically active as you can, respect comes from not beating yourself up over the cookie you ate at the potluck you attended, but in giving conscious thought to your next meal. It means if you exercised three times in a week, when you intended to exercise five times, you celebrate the three times you were able to exercise, and continue to work toward meeting your intentions. It means you give yourself the time you need to enjoy the things you love to do and bring forth the creativity in your life.

How will you give yourself and others respect today and in the future?