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Are You Listening?

November 4, 2010 in Communication, Compassion, Understanding

I received this lovely note from our dear friend Mary Anne Flanagan at Toning the Om today. I am thankful for her constant wisdom in her communications to me. Listening has been difficult for me lately because of the inner chatter of my monkey mind. Yet, listening is what I do, and do well, as a coach. I love the concept of listening to the essence of the person, not just the words that are coming out of their mouths. Listening for the “words” underneath the words that tell you the feelings, emotions, and monkey mind your client, friend, or family member have invested in the story they are telling you.

I offer to share this lovely letter from Mary Anne – so that you too may close your eyes and listen with your heart instead of your ears.

Namaste, Georgia

As I stood in the subway car, a lady started talking to me and I realized after a few moments I had stopped listening. She was complaining about the delays and it seemed like she would never stop talking. By the time I reached my office, I realized I heard what she was saying, but not really listening to what she was saying.

There are days when listening seems more difficult – due to the noises outside and all the chatter going on inside. Some of my best listening happens when I am using my whole body – when I can let go of any response of what I need to say and just listen.

As Peter Senge says, “To listen fully means to pay close attention to what is being said beneath the words. You listen not only to the ‘music,’ but to the essence of the person speaking. You listen not only for what someone knows, but for what he or she is. Ears operate at the speed of sound, which is far slower than the speed of light the eyes take in. Generative listening is the art of developing deeper silences in yourself, so you can slow our mind’s hearing to your ears’ natural speed, and hear beneath the words to their meaning.”

When we are truly listening, we become present to all that is around us. Noise can transform into sounds. Listening requires us to pay attention and gives us the ability to have greater focus. Are you willing to listen below the noises?

Practice: Close your eyes, take a soft breath, and listen to the sounds surrounding you. Can you hear the leaves, the birds, or a sunrise? What is your heart saying?

And remember the advice of Native American seers: speak only half as much as you listen.

Life is speaking, are you listening?

Tags: Listening 1 Comment »

by Stella

How Do I Help A Grieving Parent?

August 13, 2010 in Acceptance, Balance, Career Coaching, Communication, Compassion, Fearless, Grief, Healing, Intuition, Knowledge, Love, Purpose, Relationships, Spiritual Connection, success, Thought, Uncategorized, Understanding, Wisdom

”What can I do to help someone who has lost a child? I get asked this quite often and although I have previously written some about it in my other blogs there are some additional things I would like to add. In my own experience many of my friends and family were great support, there were others however who either shied away from me as they did not know what to do or were worried they might say the wrong thing. Some were hit and miss, they were often one time helpful and another not. The following are some things you can do to better support a grieving parent:

Acknowledge that your friends child has died and the impact this has had on your friend. Show interest in your friends feelings and worries. Realize you cannot and do not need to make them feel better. It is okay and healthy for either or both of you to cry. Listen when your friend wants to talk and keep it confidential. Try not to give too much advice because you feel helpless. Your friend has all the answers and your job is to listen, reflect back and help them to find those answers from within themselves.

Admit you don’t know what to do for your friend. Let your friend know you feel inadequate to help and do not know what to do and take their direction if you can. If you feel overwhelmed by the intensity of it let your friend know why you need to take a break from it for awhile.

Learn what it is your grieving friend is experiencing. Read up on grief on the internet, check into books on grieving, talk with others that have dealt with grieving parents. Understand that your friend may be tired, irritable, edgy, forgetful and have trouble focusing due to anxiety, stress and grief. Realize that grief takes time and your friend is learning a new normal for him or herself. You may sometimes see that your friend needs you and other times they may want to be alone. Sometimes they will want to talk and other times be silent with you.

Help as and when you can- and realize small things help a lot too. Meals, breads, cookies, errand running, phone calls, offers to take other kids for a bit and cards and notes all help.

Try and take things with a grain of salt. Many grieving parents have not the energy to be considerate or nice so try not to take words or actions by them personally.

Grief changes a person and although some friendships deepen some drift apart. Try and be open and accepting of change and grieve if you must the loss of the old friendship.

Peace & Light,

Stella Wichman

Certified From Heartbreak to Happiness Coach

www.parentsgriefrecovery.com

“Who then can so softly bind up the wound of another as he who has felt the same wound himself?”

Thomas Jefferson

Tags: childloss, grief, grief caregivers, griefcoaching, griefjourney, grieving, grieving parents, helping grievers, parent grieving 1 Comment »

by Stella

Finding The Path Through The Bewildering Experience Of Loss

July 23, 2010 in Acceptance, Balance, Career Coaching, Communication, Compassion, Grief, Grounding, Healing, Intuition, Knowledge, Love, Motivation, Perception, Purpose, Rainbow Bridge Coaching and Healing, Spiritual Connection, Thought, Uncategorized, Understanding, Wisdom

Parents who lose a child are often left feeling as if they have survived a catastrophe and are left standing at ground zero with no clue as to where to go or how to begin getting their life back. It is difficult to know what to do from where they are at and on top of it they are left feeling stunned and reeling from the intense feelings of loss and pain. Our society I have found offers little help in this area and the things people tell us such as time heals all wounds and he’s in a better place anger, frustrate, and stir up the anxiety and confusion we already feel. What I was fortunate enough to have found is that there are tools we can use that make a huge difference in how quickly and easily we are able to merge our lives before we lost our child with the life we have now without that child. Although forever changed we can learn to adjust and be happy again. We can each use our own creative and intuitive abilities fine tuned to us to help us find the peace we need. We just need to be taught how and my experience was that with a grief recovery coach I was able to learn not only what these tools are but was coached on how to use them. Some of the help I found came from a book I read called: The Infinite Thread: Healing Relationships Beyond Loss by Alexandra Kennedy. In it she mentions 7 steps for the process of recovery.

They are:

to express all the feelings over this loss: anguish, longing, relief, anger, depression, numbness, despair, aching, guilt, confusion, and often unbearable pain
to let the nonnegotiable and excruciating reality sink in that you will never again be in the physical presence of your deceased loved one
to review your relationship from the beginning and to see the positive and negative aspects of the person and the relationship
to identify and heal your unresolved issues and your regrets
to explore the changes in your family and other relationships
to integrate all the changes into a new sense of yourself and to take on healthy new ways of being in the world without this person
to form a healthy new inner relationship with this person and to find new ways of relating to him or her.

Kennedys book reinforced how it’s important to actively work to integrate and resolve our grief, not to just passively experience our reactions to it. She states that, “Grief carries us until we learn to carry it.” Reading that phrase helped me understand that we do not need to stay victims of grief we can be survivors and even captains of our destiny again if we wish!

Peace & Light,

Stella Wichman

Certified From Heartbreak to Happiness Coach

www.parentsgriefrecovery.com

“Who then can so softly bind up the wound of another as he who has felt the same wound himself?”

Thomas Jefferson

Tags: attitude, Balance, choice, coaching, emotions, grief, Grief Recovery, grieving parents, growth, intuition, knowing, Love, opportunity for growth, parents grief, peace, Purpose, rainbow bridge, spiritual growth, success, Thought, trust yourself, understand 1 Comment »

by Stella

Finding Your Point Of Power After Child Loss

July 16, 2010 in Acceptance, Balance, Career Coaching, Communication, Compassion, Grief, Healing, Knowledge, Love, Motivation, Purpose, Rainbow Bridge Coaching and Healing, Spiritual Connection, Thought, Uncategorized, Understanding, Vitality, Wisdom

Knowledge is power! For those of us who are trying to muddle our way through child loss it seems that understanding what is happening to us emotionally, mentally, physically and spiritually and taking action to help ourselves through, moves us out of the victim mode of the situation and into the take charge mode again of our lives, and this is our point of power !

How many times have I heard grieving parents echo what I myself have said since losing my son and that is, ” I am tired of the lemons I’ve been given and ready to turn them into lemonade and get back into life again!” When I finally reached this point of my own grief recovery after my son Josh’s murdered remains had been found after 2 years of being missing, I needed to know how others who had made it through this terrible loss had done it.

I read every self help book I could get my hands on, I read everything I could find on the internet, I talked to many who had lost their own children before me, then I finally stumbled upon a Grief Coaching method for moving beyond hurt and loss that involves a series of steps one of which is moving beyond yourself. It combines the best of who you were before losing a child, the who you are after losing a child, and the need we have to heal. It takes you beyond yourself into the world of compassion like you never have been before. To utilize all you have endured, all you have learned, all you have sacrificed to help other parents like yourself who find themselves lost and in terrific pain.

In getting to this step in grief recovery many parents I have met now help facilitate support groups such as SIDS, head organizations such as Suicide Awareness, speak at schools about the danger of drugs, some are involved in politics as in MADD etc. I choose to become a Certified Grief Recovery Coach working specifically with parents, I speak, do workshops and write. There is a poem that helped to give me direction towards my point of power again when I was feeling lost after losing my son:

It is by Will Allen Dromgoole and called “The Bridge Builder”

An old man, going a lone highway,
Came, at the evening, cold and gray,
To a chasm, vast, and deep, and wide,
Through which was flowing a sullen tide.

The old man crossed in the twilight dim;
The sullen stream had no fears for him;
But he turned, when safe on the other side,
And built a bridge to span the tide.

“Old man,” said a fellow pilgrim, near,
“You are wasting strength with building here;
Your journey will end with the ending day;
You never again must pass this way;

You have crossed the chasm, deep and wide,
Why build you the bridge at the eventide?”
The builder lifted his old gray head:
“Good friend, in the path I have come,” he said,

“There followeth after me today
A youth, whose feet must pass this way.”

“This chasm, that has been naught to me,
To that fair-haired youth may a pitfall be.
He, too, must cross in the twilight dim;
Good friend, I am building the bridge for him.”

May this help you along on your own grief recovery journey…

Peace & Light,

Stella Wichman

Certified From Heartbreak to Happiness Coach

www.parentsgriefrecovery.com

“Who then can so softly bind up the wound of another as he who has felt the same wound himself?”

Thomas Jefferson

Tags: certified grief recovery coach, grief 1 Comment »

by Stella

How Many Children Do You Have?

June 11, 2010 in Acceptance, Balance, Communication, Compassion, Grief, Grounding, Healing, Intuition, Knowledge, Love, Motivation, Purpose, Rainbow Bridge Coaching and Healing, Relationships, Thought, Uncategorized, Understanding, Wisdom

Soon after my son’s murdered remains were found I was filling out a form and came to the question, “How many children do you have?” I remember feeling panic at that moment at how to answer this question I had previously answered easily for over twenty years. Logic said three girls but my heart thought no, that is not right, that seems like denying my sons existence. Next I thought, I have three girls and one son, four kids, no, that isn’t right either, is it?

Losing a child was bad enough and now staring me square in the face was this awful question that I now realized I was going to have to deal with not only once but numerous times I knew for the rest of my life. So I figured I might as well find the right answer for me for all those form questions and those individuals I would surely come across who would ask me as well.

In the beginning when I needed to tell my story of my son and how he had died I spoke in detail of how he had gone missing for almost two years and how and where his remains had been found as well as how his case was being pursued by numerous private, state, and federal agencies.

As the months began to pass and I found I had told my story enough and the grieving process had begun to heal me I found I did not need to go into the details any more. My needs had changed and so I rethought my answer.

Now I answer five stepchildren, three daughters and one angel son. I consider who is asking and why and whether or not they are going to be a continuing part of my life to determine if I am going to go any further in my answer. If so I tell them more so as not to feel as if we are dancing around the fact at hand of my son’s death. I may also explain that my husband’s first born daughter also died of spinal meningitis when she was two, many years before I met my husband. Better out in the open I figure, as it than loses its ability to interfere with the relationship.

If on the other hand the individual is just a passerby in my life than I leave it at five stepchildren, three daughters and one angel son and seldom does anyone pursue it beyond that. If they do or if they have follow up questions about my children I tell them that my 20 year old son went missing for almost two years and his remains were found at that point and the authorities are all in agreement of who did it and know who did it but it is still an ongoing investigation and they are waiting to make an arrest. Then I tell them about my stepchildren and daughters who are alive and well. This way I give them a chance to either acknowledge my son’s death and continue asking questions or ask about the rest of our kids. Doing it this way usually keeps everyone, including me comfortable.

The occasional embarrassed individual I feel bad for but I see it as their problem. Everyone is different when it comes to this question and no answer is a wrong one in fact my husband who lost a daughter in his first marriage along with his stepson (my son) answers seven children. For him this is what works.

Each of us has to decide what is right for us and then simply say it. In this way we strip the question of its ability to traumatize us, we take away it’s negative power and it can no longer have a harmful affect on us.

Peace & Light,

Stella Wichman

Certified From Heartbreak to Happiness Coach

www.parentsgriefrecovery.com

“Who then can so softly bind up the wound of another as he who has felt the same wound himself?”

Thomas Jefferson

Tags: attitude, Balance, decision-making, emotions, grief, Grief Recovery, grieving parents, growth, intuition, knowing, opportunity for growth, parents grief, Purpose, rainbow bridge, relationships, spiritual growth, Thought, trust yourself, understand 1 Comment »

by Stella

Time Alone Does Not Heal Grief…

May 7, 2010 in Acceptance, Balance, Career Coaching, Communication, Compassion, Grief, Healing, Knowledge, Love, Motivation, Perception, Purpose, Rainbow Bridge Coaching and Healing, Spiritual Connection, Thought, Understanding, Wisdom

Immediately after I found out my son had been murdered people starting telling me “time heals all wounds”. I am sure they told me this because they wanted to say something to make me feel better or because they had heard the phrase before and it seemed to fit or because they did not know what else to say. I can honestly say that at first when you lose a child it seems like time is the enemy. The impossibly long harrowing days blended into even longer agonizing nights of pain, loneliness and confusion make one wish that time could be stopped and even better reversed to a point when your child was still happy and with you. Then there is the sudden realization that now that your child has died you will never see him on this earth again. That all you really have to hold onto if you are religious or spiritual is that you will eventually be together again but you also soon realize that it will be a long time in coming and in another place. And that thought puts you at odds with time as well!

What I did find out about time and healing is that although time moves along it alone does not heal. Healing is an active process not a passive one. When you have a wound and do not care for it properly, although it may scab over it often gets infected underneath, takes longer to heal and leaves a scar.

When we lose a child we feel as though our heart and mind and very soul have been mortally wounded. We eventually seem to heal up but if we have not cared for those wounds properly while healing then they too merely scab over closing off the infection beneath which greatly lengthens the healing process experts say and can take according to (Time Magazine July, 1985) 5 to 8 years to recover. Most generally as well this too can leave a bad scar.

The basic definition of to heal means to make whole again. When we become sick something or someone has affected our wholeness. To get back to wholeness we must either eliminate the thing that is affecting our wholeness as in taking antibiotics for strep say or we must integrate it so that we no longer see it as a threat. Once we can do that it no longer has the same impact and we are free to heal and move on.

A common factor among many grieving parents I found is that once they were able to create a shift in thinking and acceptance as if they had chosen their loss themselves they were free to move forward again into happiness. And although not easy to do even when guided by a grief recovery coach or other professional this was necessary to help them heal.

Healing is thought of as a spiritual idea where as curing is a medical concept. That is why it is an active process that we must participate in, it does not happen to us as in curing by a doctor. As in the saying “Physician heal thyself” we must be active in order to heal from the wounds of child loss. To do that we learn how to stay open and accepting the very thing that wounded us.

In Lamaze classes I learned to embrace the pains of childbirth and relax through them as I was taught to view them as completely normal and natural physical and emotional responses to the birth of one’s baby. In doing so I was able to endure up to 20 hours of labor followed by delivery of a healthy baby together with a few stitches of some slightly torn tissue. All this with no medication of any kind nor an episiotomy. And I went home the next day!

Lamaze as well as chronic pain management teaches one not to tighten up around the pain but to relax and allow the pain to be present. The idea taught is that when pain is resisted it intensifies but when we relax and accept it, it can move and flow through us easier. Pain is merely an alert that something is wrong whether it be something physical, emotional, spiritual or mental and all we need do is listen. To relax and breath through it. We do not want to fight it but learn from it.

Time alone does not heal but healing takes time. To be healed we can give ourselves the time we each need to open to the pain and open to the loss. As we do this we grow as we include more of what life holds. We include what would have been lost to us if our hearts and minds had closed against the pain. We include what would have been lost if we had not taken the time we needed to work at the healing we needed all along.

Peace & Light,

Stella Wichman

Certified From Heartbreak to Happiness Coach

www.parentsgriefrecovery.com

“Who then can so softly bind up the wound of another as he who has felt the same wound himself?”

Thomas Jefferson

Tags: attitude, Balance, choice, coaching, emotions, gratitude, grief, Grief Recovery, grieving parents, growth, intuition, knowing, opportunity for growth, parents grief, Purpose, rainbow bridge, reflection, relationships, spiritual growth, spirituality, success, Thought, trust yourself, truth, understand, unity, vision No Comments »

by Stella

21 Things That Help Your Surviving Children When They Have Lost A Sibling

April 30, 2010 in Acceptance, Balance, Career Coaching, Communication, Compassion, Grief, Healing, Intuition, Knowledge, Love, Purpose, Rainbow Bridge Coaching and Healing, Relationships, Spiritual Connection, Thought, Understanding, Wisdom

When my son died an additional hardship was deciding how to tell his sisters as well as how to balance my own grief along with supporting them in theirs. The following is an excerpt from my diary and upcoming book “Grieving Joshie” by Stella Haight-Wichman

April 29th 2007 Going Home The police have just informed us that after almost 2 years of being missing they have found our son’s murdered remains. Now while we reel from the news we must tell the girls, his sisters.

Josh’s 17 year old sister is at their dad’s house. He will tell her the news there while I break the news to his oldest sister 24 over the phone and Josh’s 10 year old sister at my house .

I call Josh’s oldest sister who is married and lives out of state. Her husband answers and tells me she is gone for the weekend I tell him that her brothers remains have been found, that he is not coming back and that I do not want to ruin her weekend out with girlfriends so if he wants to tell her when she gets home or she can call me when she gets back and I will tell her. He says he will have her call me and that he is very sorry.

How do I tell Tia his youngest sister who has mourned his being missing for almost 2 years as only a little girl could, openly and with much grief and confusion? How can I tell her that her brother isn’t coming home again? How can I tell her that her brother is…dead? Finally I just go ahead and tell her that the police have told us they found Josh’s body and that he is dead. She looks stunned and then her eyes fill up with tears as she says “no” over and over as I hold her and she rocks back and forth crying. Her heart has just been broken completely open as mine has.

I am so tired. So much has happened today. I have had enough for one day, the rest will have to wait for tomorrow or another day. We cry together into the night until we fall asleep together mercifully.

You must do the thing you think you cannot do.

ELEANOR ROOSEVELT

April 30th 2007 Back At Home

The next afternoon Joshs littlest sister and I have a peaceful discussion about life and death. We talk about bodies being like dirty clothes encasing souls. I reassure her that Joshie will be like an angel watching over her. I tell her that she can talk to Joshie any time she likes, and that Joshie can hear her. I tell her that Joshies body is dead—but Joshie’s love is forever. She says she doesn’t want me to ever die and I tell her everything living eventually dies but that I plan on living a long time. She has a favorite book I gave her sister years ago called” Mama Do You Still Love Me?” I remind her of that story and tell her that I will always love her for as many days as there are stars in the sky. I tell her that all she must do when some day very far from now when she is an old grandma and I cannot be with her is look at the stars and know her mom is up there watching over her as her brother now is and that we will all be up there one day. This seems to answer all her questions at least for now. She quietly gets up from her bed and picks up the book she got for her brother at a garage sale right after he went missing so if I grounded him he would have something to do and says I guess i don’t need this anymore and hands it to me. We both start crying again…

Later that day my oldest daughter calls from out of state and tells me she tried to call me earlier and found my line busy and figured I was probably calling the rest of our family to break the news to them so she then says she called her dad and he already told her about her brother. I talk with her more and answer as many questions as I can amidst our tears until she finally has to hang up…

The following are a list of things that I and other parents who have lost children have compiled to help other parents when faced with the difficult task of telling their surviving children that one of their siblings has died. My wish is that in some small measure it helps.

Tell them as soon as you can.
Less is more here so tell them in a simple straight forward manner being careful not to get to explicit. They will ask more questions if they need to.
If they have a question you can’t answer tell them so.
Do not beat around the bush. Tell them using correct words such as dead not sleeping.
Ask them if they have any questions either now or later to not be afraid to ask them.
Share how you feel as a means of role modeling for them. An example would be saying I feel so sad that’s why I am crying. This gives them permission to cry too.
Talk about the deceased child using their name it helps everyone to work through it faster.
Be age appropriate when speaking to your child about their siblings death.
Talk about the many feelings that they and others feel when grieving, sad, lonely, depressed, teary, angry etc.
Read about sibling grief either in books, articles or on the internet to better help your surviving child.
Read an age appropriate book on grief to your child to not only help them talk and understand but because it also tells them they are not alone in this situation. That there are other kids who have lost siblings.
Tell them about the funeral , what happens and answer what questions they may have.
Help your child find ways to say goodbye to their deceased brother or sister.
Talk about what happens to people after they die according to your beliefs.
Make it clear to your child you are there for them and the many questions they may have.
Talk about the memories you both have bad or good.
Keep on the lookout for bad dreams. If they happen often talk about them.
Watch for changes in behavior both at home and at school such as: sleep problems, anxiety, eating problems, anger issues, troubles concentrating, clinginess, crabbiness, aggression, or fear.
Suggest doing something as a memorial for the sibling who has died. This often is comforting!
If something seems to go on too long or seems to be too severe call a Professional such as a Certified Grief Coach or Therapist.
Give your child extra love, attention and physical contact.

This is by no means everything that might help but is only meant to be a guide to start you off in the right direction should you need it.

Peace & Light,

Stella Wichman

Certified From Heartbreak to Happiness Coach

www.parentsgriefrecovery.com

“Who then can so softly bind up the wound of another as he who has felt the same wound himself?”

Thomas Jefferson

Tags: coaching, decision-making, emotions, grief, Grief Recovery, grieving parents, growth, intuition, knowing, parents grief, rainbow bridge, relationships, spiritual growth, Thought, trust, trust yourself, understand No Comments »

by Stella

The Rebalancing Of A Family After Child Loss

April 14, 2010 in Acceptance, Balance, Communication, Compassion, Grief, Healing, Intuition, Knowledge, Love, Purpose, Rainbow Bridge Coaching and Healing, Relationships, success, Thought, Understanding, Wisdom

When my son was found murdered, indeed even after he went missing I found that my family and myself instinctively knew that we needed to get itself back into the rhythm and balance that was lost when our Josh was gone. This feeling seemed to grow out of a necessity to not replace but to reorganize roles. I found that when your child dies there is a definite shift in the balance of the family and it helped for me to understand what needed to happen to again find that equilibrium.

It seems that the role of your child which held parental hopes and expectations, and was as well the object of love and focus of your family’s attention, is an important one, and its absence is felt keenly by everyone.

I observed families are a lot like an organization. They take on their own identity with their own characteristics and are more than the sum of their parts or in this case family members. They do not merely reflect the individuals that are in it.

In families it seems that when something happens to an individual it has an affect on the family and conversely if something happens to the family it has an affect on the individuals in that family. So for example when my son died I was preoccupied and withdrawn as I grieved at work and everywhere else for that matter which took my focus away from where it was usually therefore having an affect on others in the family. And because my focus was drawn away our loss not only was felt by each one of us but in addition it was as if my family lost me as well as Josh.

I have learned that families which have experienced child loss also work hard at regaining the balance in the family they had before the loss and may not even be aware of the fact that they are making changes to accomplish this. They may shift or change roles, rules, communication, expectations and behaviors to regain the equilibrium that stabilizes the family so it again operates consistently. There is no right way to achieve this as each family differs due to the uniqueness of its individuals.

My older girls each pitched in and spent more time with their little sister after losing their brother. They seemed to know instinctively that she would need that as he and she had been very close and spent a lot of time together. My oldest started calling me daily which she still does after 5 years as she knew her brother had regularly called me or visited on weekends and summers while in college. My youngest started turning into the family clown always trying to lighten things up when needed, which is the role her brother had filled in the family until he went missing. These are just a few examples of reassigned roles and obligations in our own family as we tried to reestablish a balance in our family again.

This happened entirely of its own accord in our family as water will move to fill a void when it’s there. Regardless of whether family balance is resolved healthily or successfully, the period of reorganization following a family’s loss I can say firsthand is very stressful.

I did find with other parents I have coached through grief that one must be careful of not doubling the grief for your surviving children by stealing their own unique identity by placing demands on them to take on the role of their deceased sibling. (Your brother was an accomplished basketball player and you should be too now) when they have no interest in basketball.

On the other hand sometimes if a surviving child has been in the shadow of his sibling (an accomplished basketball player for instance) he may be able to step into the limelight and shine now.

Remember that this is such an explosive time for each member of the family and one member’s grief can trigger another.

An accumulation of grief and pain in an individual or even in the family as a whole can trigger blowups. On the other hand at times the family can draw strength from each other and gain support and solace.

Recognize the need to look at each family members needs and weigh them against that of the family at times. An example would be everyone wanted to celebrate Christmas traditionally at home and I wanted to get away instead and so we celebrated out of town at my oldest daughters. It is important to strike a delicate balance so as to encourage healthy grieving and communication and unity rather than the opposite. Compromise seems to be in order here as each person finds that the health of the whole family is the goal and that each family member will have situations come up that will take precedence.

Remember that each family member does not have the same needs, grieve the same nor have the same relationship with the deceased individual. There are personal differences which must be taken into account. Individual factors are responsible for how each person will react to grief rather than similarity to others in the family or the fact that they all lost the same person in the family.

Lastly the very thing that helps which is the closeness of the remaining members of the family also can be the very thing that threatens to destroy the family. It is easy when we are hurting to place blame, be angry, make false accusations, and place unfair expectations on those we need the most due to irrational demands or fear of upsetting another in the family.

Although a huge undertaking the surviving family needs to reorganize itself to survive and must cope with the stresses of containing different grievers, each with different, unique needs. It is indeed a huge job and what is needed is patience, love, compassion and understanding.

Peace & Light,

Stella Wichman

Certified From Heartbreak to Happiness Coach

www.parentsgriefrecovery.com

“Who then can so softly bind up the wound of another as he who has felt the same wound himself?”

Thomas Jefferson

Tags: attitude, Balance, coaching, Communication, decision-making, emotions, fear, gratitude, grief, Grief Recovery, grieving parents, growth, intuition, knowing, Love, opportunity for growth, parents grief, Purpose, rainbow bridge, relationships, success, Thought, understand, unity No Comments »

by Georgia Feiste

American Idol – A Lesson In Purpose

March 12, 2010 in Creativity, Enjoyment, Fearless Feisty and Free, Motivation, Purpose, Values, Vitality

I know – what does American Idol have to do with mind, body, and spirit? I just read the interview with Scott MacIntyre on the American Idol blog and felt compelled to share my thoughts about this delightful young man who became an early favorite of mine in the competition last year.

Scott is blind, or nearly blind. This endeared him to me right away because my son, Josef, is legally blind with a progressive eye disease called Retinitis Pigmentosa. So, we’ve established there is an emotional side to my feelings about Scott.

I also admire his determination to follow his dream no matter the obstacles needing to be overcome. Scott has a passion for music – he plays the piano very well, he writes music and lyrics, and he wants a career in the music business. Scott created a vision for himself, recognizing his own personal purpose for being here on this earth. He is using the gifts he has been given, and he let’s nothing get in the way of his pursuit of his dream.

Scott’s life is an abundant life. He has made himself vulnerable to the flow of life washing over him, and like water has flowed with it. He has had to deal with afflictions that would bring many of us to our knees, and he hasn’t let that happen. We would do well to watch him as he progresses through his life; not to place him on a pedestal, but to observe how he goes about becoming the best person he can be.

When asked in the interview what he would do to help this year’s contestants, he responded:
“… I would take them in a room with me and coach them! [Laughs] We could all use a little prodding”

Georgia Feiste, owner of Collaborative Transitions, located in Lincoln, NE, is a life transitions coach, writer, and workshop facilitator. She specializes in career and personal life transitions for people seeking change in their life. Georgia is uniquely skilled in providing support and encouragement as her clients set intentional goals to attain their desires, holding open the space they need to stretch and grow. Her passion is success grounded in purpose and passion, standards of integrity and priorities in life. Her website is http://www.collaborativetransitions.com, where she blogs about business and career, and http://www.rainbowbridgecoach, where she and many other coaches blog about mind, body, spirit and emotion. Georgia can be reached at (402) 484-8098.

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by Georgia Feiste

Truth-telling – A Soul Cleansing Breath

February 22, 2010 in Balance, Communication, Values, Wisdom

I’ve been concentrating on truth-telling over the last couple of weeks while preparing a workshop I gave last weekend. The lesson was wrapped around the concept of being a truth-teller, the cost and rewards of being a truth-teller, and the impact it has on you and those around you. It could be a heavy topic, and as always it generates a great deal of conversation when you open it up for discussion. What came up for me as I worked on the lesson, and the exercises for my clients, was the need to always tell myself the truth about any situation. I commonly say “I don’t have time to (you name it). I’m busy with taking care of my family, networking, volunteering, and my coaching business. ” Yes, all of that is true, but the real truth is that I am just not doing (you name it). If I honestly look at my day, I could have found the time, but I rapidly filled my day with nonsensical activities that were not fulfilling my values or meeting my needs.

There are a couple schools of thought about what truth is. I have taken coaching classes from Dr. Maria Nemeth who teaches that truth is the facts of what has occurred in physical reality. Thomas Leonard, on the other hand teaches that truth is sometimes deeper and more profound than the facts that have been presented as truth, and is what is so for you. This may be the difference between two philosophies – the ontological approach to coaching vs. the psychological approach to coaching. Regardless, both statements hold some merit of accuracy for me.

The discovery of truth is at times a process. It changes over time as we get more in tune with who we are, and make discoveries about our world and how it works. For me, it’s important to hold your truth lightly, and not let it become a rule that will not allow you to explore with curiosity and delight. In addition, my truth is not something to hold out for others to adhere to; they are living their own truth and are on their own path.

I’ve also discovered that there aren’t that many people interested in the truth, and it’s important to me to surround myself with those that are. When I am required to work with people who are not, I must be prepared for the consequences of being direct and I must take care when sharing my thoughts. Truth-telling must be intentional and well thought out. It requires me to be sensitive, and choose the time for truth carefully. It does no good to share truth when it will not be received because the person we are sharing with is not ready to hear it.

I think that this is one of the most important lessons we can learn, or teach, for that matter. It makes the biggest difference in our lives, and if we are lucky enough to have been given children to raise, it is one of the most valuable things we can teach them just by doing.

Still your mind, and look around you and inside you. There you will find your truth, the most important truth of all. You will not find it in a book or classroom. You will find thoughts and interpretations there which you must sift through in order to find what holds meaning for you. Believe in the truth you can perceive with your five senses – the truth of physical reality and what you feel in your heart. Once you have recognized the truth, your mind and body will rapidly adjust.

Georgia Feiste, owner of Collaborative Transitions Coaching, located in Lincoln, NE, is a life transitions coach, writer, and workshop facilitator. She specializes in career and personal life transitions for people seeking change in their life. Georgia is uniquely skilled in providing support and encouragement as her clients set intentional goals to attain their desires, holding open the space they need to stretch and grow. Her passion is success grounded in purpose and passion, standards of integrity and priorities in life. Her website is http://www.collaborativetransitions.com, where she blogs about business and career, and http://www.rainbowbridgecoach, where she and many other coaches blog about mind, body, spirit and emotion. Georgia can be reached at (402) 484-8098.

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