Losing my own son and moving through the initial grief to where I was ready to move forward again I learned that in Grief coaching there are steps one takes which once they have been completed, move a grieving parent from pain to peace. Although none of us will certainly ever forget our child and more than likely we will always have grief-bursts from time to time, we can learn how to better integrate our loss easier and quicker with the guidance and support of a professional grief recovery coach. Then we will find we can again move forward in our lives and be happy.
In the 12 step method I use coaching parents from the pain of child-loss to happiness again, there are two steps that have to do with writing. One is called the Letter of Apology and Appreciation and is designed to create a mind shift to move you from any negative feelings you have about or surrounding your child’s death to feelings of positivity.
The other step is a powerful path to peace and is simply called A Relationship Review For Peace. Understand that when a relationship ends even when it is because your child died it is important to realize a number of things. First that only the physical aspects of your relationship have come to an end. Although very difficult to go through it helps to understand that we as parents still and always will have the other two parts of our relationship with our child and that is the spiritual connection and emotional connection we have had since they were born. Understanding these two other important facets of our continued connection with our children then explains why these two writing steps work so well at helping move us forward towards peace.
In doing the Relationship Review For Peace letter we learn that it is quite normal when a relationship ends to have your mind go crazy, you find yourself reviewing, analyzing, yearning, condemning, wishing etc. over and over again. It’s like an empty spot in your mouth where a tooth recently was we just keep digging and digging into the raw spot looking for the tooth and finding how tender the area is! We as grieving parents find that as we continue reviewing the relationship with our child, instead of moving forward as we wish, instead it’s as if our wheels have become stuck in the sand. The more we try to drive out the more stuck we seem to get.
Although it’s normal and natural to review a relationship which has ended with one’s child, we have to know how to do it or we just dig ourselves in deeper emotionally. Done properly this step works to bring back freedom, peace and happiness.
Some of the questions I use with these two writing steps to help a parent powerfully connect with their child after they have died are:
•What experiences have I been through since my loved one’s death?
•What do I miss?
•What do I regret?
•What issues in our relationship remain unresolved?
•What do I appreciate?
•What have I learned about myself, my loved one, and my relationship?
•What do I want to carry on?
Ask yourself the following questions after you have written your letter:
•Was I open and honest?
•Did I express my love and appreciation?
•Did I address unresolved issues in our relationship?
•Do I still feel regrets?
•Are any resentments still bothering me?
•Is anything left unsaid?
•Do I feel forgiveness? Do I feel more understanding?
I invite you to use these steps to work through your own loss or to share this with someone you know who has experienced the pain of child-loss. A certified grief recovery coach can more quickly and easily lead you through both these steps, The Letter of Apology and Appreciation and The Relationship Review for Peace along with 10 other steps which have been used by myself as well as countless other grieving parents to heal the past and open your heart to happiness again.
Peace & Light,
Certified From Heartbreak to Happiness Coach
“Who then can so softly bind up the wound of another as he who has felt the same wound himself?”