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by Stella

Learning To Cope With Pain After Child Loss

July 9, 2010 in Acceptance, Balance, Grief, Grounding, Healing, Knowledge, Love, Rainbow Bridge Coaching and Healing, Spiritual Connection, Thought, Uncategorized, Understanding, Wisdom

ME 2 SEATTLEWhen I was learning how to navigate the world and my new life after I lost my son, I read an article that helped me tremendously.  So much in fact I decided to base this blog on it!  The following is from Richard Marsh’s biography “Surviving Loss”:

 Coping and Catastrophic Change

  By  nature,  everyone  has multiple ways to  cope  with  any  problem.  While everyone has heard of the “Flight or Fight” alternatives, there are actually about nine methods of coping used  by people,  each  with a typical type of action  and  an  associated mental state.

  1.   Attack.  When faced with a problem, one may attack  it. 

 The action for this pattern is fighting and the emotion is anger. 

 Anyone who reacts to challenge and problems with anger is focused

 on this pattern of resolving conflicts and problems.

 

 2.   Fleeing.   When faced with a problem, a person can  run

 away  from it.  The action is flight, and the emotional state  is

 fear.  Many people run from their problems.

 

 3.   Denial.   The action is to ignore the problem  and  the

 emotional state is dullness.

 

4.   Dithering.   The  action associated with  dithering  is

 random response and the emotional state is confusion.   Dithering

 is also referred to in the literature as distracting.

 

 5.   Co-option.  The action associated with co-opting problems

 is  cooperation.  The general act is trying  to  reach  a

 participatory and collective action and the emotional state  is

 a cooperative one.

 

 6.   Analysis.   This response to stress or problems is to

 attempt to think through and understand the problem. 

The emotional state is usually curiosity.

 

  7.   Action.   This response is somewhat of the opposite  to

 Analysis.  It is “doing something, anything” and in many ways  is

 an  active  form  of dithering.  The emotional state  is  one  of

 extreme intentness.

 

 8.   Appeasement.   The general act is to just give  in  and

 the general emotional state is guilt.

 

 9.   Anguish.  This response is to give up and the emotional

 state is one of despair. 

 

      Whenever  there  is catastrophic change and pain,  the  mind treats  the pain as a signal that the current methods  of  coping need  to be changed.  The subconscious treats the pain  as  proof that  the current method has failed and forces a person to  begin to  try the methods over and over again until the pain  decreases and something is found that “works.”

  Persons  who have catastrophic loss will experience  all  of the above states and methods over and over again in their  lives, almost randomly, until the pain decreases.

  Thus,  if  a person were assaulted and robbed in  a  parking lot,  they would feel anger, confusion, guilt and a desire to  do something  (or  nothing) over and over again until the  pain  had healed.   The emotions and states would be applied to  everything in life, not just parking lots and banks.

  A  person who loses a child will suffer through  this  cycle for at least a year and usually for three to five years.  If they are  moved off track in their healing they can become stuck in  a mode for five to ten years or even for life.  One of the  worst things  outsiders  can  do is pressure grieving  parents  not  to resolve a mode or to attempt to force them to stick in one.

 Steps and Cycles

  It  is important to understand that these  steps  associated with grief and mourning can afflict everyone, not just those with ”serious” losses.  While these steps are caused by the constant cycling of coping mechanisms, these steps occur, to some  extent, in  every life when loss occurs.  While few lose  children,  many lose  jobs, friends and other hopes, and experience  portions  of the same steps.

 In  spite  of  it all, it is possible to  cope.   You,  your family  and others can all do things that will help you  make  it through the loss of a child (or other significant loss) in  shape to make a better tomorrow and able to care for those who  remain.  Always  remember, those who remain need you as much as those  who died.

 While I had read about the stages of grief written many years ago by the famous Dr. Kubler- Ross, and was able to apply them to my own healing.   I found that the 9 stages of coping with catastrophe found above carried me even further up the road to grief recovery.  I hope that in reading this many others find the help they need as well.    

Peace & Light,

Stella Wichman

Certified From Heartbreak to Happiness Coach
 
www.parentsgriefrecovery.com
 

“Who then can so softly bind up the wound of another as he who has felt the same wound himself?”

Thomas Jefferson

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by Stella

How Many Children Do You Have?

June 11, 2010 in Acceptance, Balance, Communication, Compassion, Grief, Grounding, Healing, Intuition, Knowledge, Love, Motivation, Purpose, Rainbow Bridge Coaching and Healing, Relationships, Thought, Uncategorized, Understanding, Wisdom

 ME 2 SEATTLESoon after my son’s murdered remains were found I was filling out a form and came to the question, “How many children do you have?”  I remember feeling panic  at that moment at how to answer this question I had previously answered easily for over twenty years.  Logic said three girls but my heart thought no, that is not right, that seems  like denying my sons existence.  Next I thought,  I have three girls and one son, four kids, no, that isn’t right either, is it?

Losing a child was bad enough and now staring me square in the face was this awful question that I now realized I was going to have to deal with not only once but numerous times I knew for the rest of my life.  So I figured I might as well find the right answer for me for all those form questions and those individuals I would surely come across who would ask me as well.

In the beginning when I needed to tell my story of my son and how he had died I spoke in detail of how he had gone missing for almost two years and how and where his remains had been found as well as how his case was being pursued by numerous private, state, and federal agencies. 

As the months began to pass and I found I had told my story enough and the grieving process had begun to heal me I found I did not need to go into the details any more.  My needs had changed and so I rethought my answer.

Now I answer five stepchildren, three daughters and one angel son.  I consider who is asking and why and whether or not they are going to be a continuing part of my life to determine if I am going to go any further in my answer.  If so I tell them more so as not to feel as if we are dancing around the fact at hand of my son’s death.  I may also explain that my husband’s first born daughter also died of spinal meningitis when she was two, many years before I met my husband.   Better out in the open I figure, as it than loses its ability to interfere with the relationship.

If on the other hand the individual is just a passerby in my life than I  leave it at five stepchildren, three daughters and one angel son and seldom does anyone pursue it beyond that.   If they do or if they have follow up questions about my children I tell them that my 20 year old son went missing for almost two years and his remains were found at that point and the authorities are all in agreement of who did it and know who did it but it is still an ongoing investigation and they are waiting to make an arrest.  Then I tell them about my  stepchildren and daughters who are alive and well. This way I give them a chance to either acknowledge my son’s death and continue asking questions or ask about the rest of our kids.  Doing it this way usually keeps everyone, including me comfortable. 

 The occasional embarrassed individual I feel bad for but I see it as their problem.   Everyone is different when it comes to this question and no answer is a wrong one in fact my husband who lost a daughter in his first marriage along with his stepson (my son) answers seven children.  For him this is what works.   

Each of us has to decide what is right for us and then  simply say it.  In this way we strip the question of its ability to traumatize us, we take away it’s negative power and  it can no longer have a harmful affect on us.

Peace & Light,

Stella Wichman

Certified From Heartbreak to Happiness Coach
 
www.parentsgriefrecovery.com
 

“Who then can so softly bind up the wound of another as he who has felt the same wound himself?”

                                                                                   Thomas Jefferson

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by Stella

Mysterious Things That Can Happen To Us While Grieving

May 21, 2010 in Acceptance, Balance, Compassion, Grief, Healing, Intuition, Knowledge, Love, Perception, Purpose, Rainbow Bridge Coaching and Healing, Spiritual Connection, Thought, Understanding, Wisdom

ME 2 SEATTLEIn the parents grief support group I attended after I lost my son there was often talk of strange occurrences that seemed to happen to not all but many of the parents .    By strange occurrences I mean  things out of the normal range that are unexplainable and that seem to  follow or surround the death of their children.  The interesting thing about the discussions is that not one of the parents was spooked by the occurrences nor thought they were evil, witchy, satanic, or otherwise came from or led to anything bad.  In fact most parents seemed heartened by them feeling their child was connecting  to them in some way  as if  they were trying to reassure them that they were OK.

 There is one couple that I met who see butterflies in the strangest places and at the strangest times.  In fact they have finally built a butterfly flower garden in their backyard so they can sit there to enjoy it and through those butterflies feel close to the daughter they lost.   

Another  set of parents I know have had experiences with lights,  especially a certain lamp in their home going on by itself.  This started soon after they lost their son.  They feel it is a way for him to connect to them  from the  new realm he is in.  A way to say hello!  I am here and okay!  It gives them great peace of mind and reassurance that he is okay where he is and is still watching over them.

 Many other parents claim to see what is called an orb of light.  I round bright ball of light that is sometimes seen around someone before, during or after death.  We have pictures taken several months before my son died where there is an orb seen in the picture by him.   I was told by a number of parents in my support group they too had looked back at pictures taken of their child who had died and noticed these strange round lights near them.

Many of us experience some kind of unusual  occurrence when we are grieving.  Often we are embarrassed to talk about these curious events.  We wonder if others around us may think us crazy.  We are most certainly not though.  Many normal average people experience these sorts of things upon losing someone.

 For example my son’s greatest trouble with being employed once he was old enough to be, was his loss of freedom.  He told me once before he died that he valued his freedom more than he did money.  He would rather be poorer and be free to spend his time doing what he wanted with his friends and family than  have money to buy an expensive car, etc and lose his freedom by being tied to a job and the material things most people are.   Of course as his mom and the voice of logic I explained how you must get a good education and job so you have good insurance and pay for all that may come your way so life is easier for you and your own family should you have one.  We  had this argument through his three years in college and he frustrated me as he worked hard at school but not also at a job after school. He choose instead to live meagerl,y to keep his prioritized freedom  as opposed to working more and having more money for things.  Looking back I am glad he choose what he did.  Had I known he was going to be murdered I would of chosen the same for him so he could enjoy the time he had with friends and family doing the things he enjoyed to do.  Did he know or sense something about his life being short? 

As a high school senior he was not happy like I thought he would be about graduating when we talked about it.  I remember him telling me he wished he could do another year in high school as he liked things as they were and knew his freedom  would lesson upon going into college and beyond.  Again looking back did he sense something I wonder about what was to come?  He flat out told me several times in his life he did not think he was going to grow old.  Just a feeling he said.  Other parents who have lost children have told me similar stories about their own kids.  Do they sense or have a feeling about their untimely deaths?  

The day of his memorial almost two years after he had gone missing and again a week later when we scattered his remains I noticed a golden eagle above me in the sky.  In Montana that in itself was not odd.  Not only did  Josh love the freedom of Eagles but he had an Eagle blanket in his room on his bed.  Both of these days every time I looked up outside this golden eagle was overhead.  I counted 5 different stops the first day when that eagle was over me and a week later while we were out of town scattering his ashes  there was that darn eagle again.  When we returned home a second time that day I saw a golden eagle overhead and again later that day 3 more times before the day was over.  Ten times in all, five times each day!  By the third or fourth time I was saying “Hi Josh, I see you, thanks for being so close to us, it helps since this is so terribly hard to do!”  or later when I looked up “Hi Josh, love you too much, too!”  Inexplicably I felt each time that it was too often to be coincidence or my wishful thinking.  I felt as if I was being touched by either my son Josh, God or both when I needed it most.

There are many who have tried to find explanations for this kind of thing.  In science they call it the -Laws of Seriality and Object-Impact Interactions.  In physics-Implicate Order and Morphogenic Fields.  Many have written about -Synchronicity and those in theology tell of -Grace and a Higher Being.

 What I have found is that these mysterious events especially in our early grief are not to be understood so much as to notice them and reflect on them.  Noticing something unusual does not mean we are crazy.  We don’t always need to be able to understand something to be comforted by it or be surprised by it.  My belief is that these occurrences are meant to be respite from dealing daily with loss.  Often they stay with us for a long time if not forever.  They are gifts sent to us, moments to be honored.  Times when we realize that some things are a mystery and that there may be a presence we cannot explain.  As for me I have now come face to face with the fact that I can be affected by something even when I do not understand it and it can give me immense and lasting comfort. 

Peace & Light,

Stella Wichman

Certified From Heartbreak to Happiness Coach
 
www.parentsgriefrecovery.com
 

“Who then can so softly bind up the wound of another as he who has felt the same wound himself?”

                                                                                   Thomas Jefferson

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by Stella

The Overwhelming Grief of Sudden Child Loss

May 14, 2010 in Acceptance, Balance, Compassion, Grief, Healing, Knowledge, Love, Purpose, Rainbow Bridge Coaching and Healing, Spiritual Connection, Thought, Understanding, Wisdom

ME 2 SEATTLEWhen I was told that my son of 20 years who had gone missing almost two years previous, had been found murdered I experienced many emotions.  I was extremely bewildered, felt anxious, was depressed and wondered if I had done something or not done something that may have led to it.  I had trouble continuing to lead a normal life as I had no time to absorb or prepare for the fact that my world as I knew it had ended and I was catapulted into one I did not understand.

The death of one’s child is painful no matter what the cause but in sudden death the ability to cope is severely diminished.  The sudden loss of a child puts the grieving parent into shock.  This kind of loss is so terribly hard that recovery is more difficult due to additional complications. The complications are that  the parents adaptive capacities and ability to cope are so severely hit that it leaves the grieving parents stunned and overwhelmed. 

There is no gradual transition time, no time to steady or ready or prepare yourself.  Sudden death places you between the way you thought your world would be with your child still with you and the way the world now is.  Your beloved child has died without even a warning.  This totally disrupts your ideas on what is to be.  It disrupts your beliefs in the world and of one’s own control in it.  When a loved one’s impending death is known ahead of time these issues are also dealt with but the difference is that they have had a valuable time period to place the death in the context of events that were predictable and made sense.   Even though they experienced pain they could see what caused the death.  They more than likely were given the opportunity to prepare for the death and to deal with their feelings about it.  They were given the opportunity to say I love you, to say good-bye and to do the things they wanted to do for their child before they died. 

There are many emotional demands and problems with any type of death of a child but at least when the death is known ahead of time the grieving parents have been able to focus their coping abilities towards the expected outcome.  For instance a child is diagnosed  with a terminal illness, even though the parents still must struggle with the craziness of their child dying out of order or before them it still is logical that when anyone at any age is stricken with a terminal illness the outcome is most likely death.  So the loss makes sense of a sort.

When a child dies suddenly the loss does not make sense.  There is no logical sequential explanation of what has happened that prepares them somewhat for the death.  The sudden death leaves the parents so stunned that they have a hard time even comprehending what has happened.  Accepting that the death even occurred is often difficult, and often takes quite a bit of time.  Parents will find themselves going over the story of the accident, suicide, or murder trying to make sense of the loss after the fact. Because they were not prepared for the death and it had no understandable context, they will try to deal with their lack of anticipation by putting the loss into a series of events. They may find themselves looking back at the time leading up to the death and searching for clues that could have indicated what was to come. For example, I remember trying to piece things together to figure out why my son was murdered, who had he been spending time with? had he made anybody angry enough to kill him?, did he owe anybody money? was he involved in anything illegal?  For me the answers were no and after repeatedly trying to make sense of the loss I still could not.  I found that sometimes people are in the wrong place at the wrong time, sometimes people trust the wrong people, sometimes the saying “It is what it is” is all there is to explain it.

This did not stop me though from trying to restructure the sequence of events by looking back in time leading to his death so I could feel a logical progression, a control and predictability and looking back some sense in what had happened. 

Holding yourself responsible however I found can lead to problems such as guilt.  For example I felt that maybe I should have paid more attention to what he was doing in college and who he was with there.  Knowing this I thought maybe  could have prevented it.  Eventually I rationalized though that when your child of 20 years is in his 3rd year of college 4 hours away and you see him once every few months it would be impossible and unhealthy for you to keep tract of everything  your child did and who he did it with .

The grief symptoms for parents experiencing sudden child loss tend to last longer and be more intense.  In addition to dealing with feelings of loss and grief a parent is trying to understand what has happened to them and is trying to cope with their drastically altered world. These parents have not only the same job as all mourners , but they also must cope with the extra stresses that leave them relatively more worn down and disadvantaged.

Losing a child suddenly gives us no chance to say good-bye, no chance to tell our child how much we love them or how much they mean to us.  This cause a lot of pain as we feel a sense of unfinished business.  We long for a chance to tell them things, apologize for things, explain things or simply let them know what they meant to us.

Parents who lose their child suddenly seem to talk of their shared loss of security and confidence in the world. We have been taught a dramatic lesson: Loved ones can be snatched away without warning. What is to prevent another similar loss from occurring in our future we may think.  Avoidance and anxiety eventually can lead to states of anxious withdrawal since the world has become such a frightening, unpredictable place.

The consequences of losing a child suddenly in some ways can last a lifetime.   For some parents this is evident as chronic grief, or persistent anxiety where security and confidence never totally return. For other grieving parents the consequences are less dramatic though still powerful.  An example would be my friends who have not lost children when faced with a spouse or child who is late in coming home will reason they have been held up by traffic or some other logical explanation and not worry unless they are terribly late.  Me on the other hand when faced with the same scenario will assume something terrible has happened.  I experience a lot of stress and have to mentally self talk myself out of the assumption and into a more logical non-disaster explanation.  Newer grieving parents to this may jump at calling the hospital or police.  After grief recovery coaching I learned to tell myself that the odds are on my side that everyone is ok and there is a reason for their tardiness.   I am however concerned.  I have experienced having a child snatched from me without warning and found that this sort of thing does not always happen to other people.

 With coaching though I learned that this awareness can also be turned into a positive:

  • I now make time for and prioritize my family and friends differently.
  • I do not put things off or wait to say important things to those I care about like I may have in the past.
  • I do not want to have unfinished business with anyone important to me because I now know that no one is guaranteed a tomorrow.
  • I now tend to live in the moment more relishing the small things I used to overlook in my hurry to get things done.
  • I choose my battles better and don’t get caught up in stupid matters that are trivial now realizing that my energies can better be applied to things that truly are worthy of my time and energy.

I appreciate life more now that I have experienced such a traumatic thing.   I did not chose this to happen but what I did find was that I could choose to pull something positive and meaningful out of such a tragedy.        

    Peace & Light,

Stella Wichman

Certified From Heartbreak to Happiness Coach
 
www.parentsgriefrecovery.com
 

“Who then can so softly bind up the wound of another as he who has felt the same wound himself?”

Thomas Jefferson

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by Stella

Time Alone Does Not Heal Grief…

May 7, 2010 in Acceptance, Balance, Career Coaching, Communication, Compassion, Grief, Healing, Knowledge, Love, Motivation, Perception, Purpose, Rainbow Bridge Coaching and Healing, Spiritual Connection, Thought, Understanding, Wisdom

ME 2 SEATTLEImmediately after I found out my son had been murdered people starting telling me “time heals all wounds”.  I am sure they told me this because they wanted to say something to make me feel better or because they had heard the phrase before and it seemed to fit or because they did not know what else to say.  I can honestly say that at first when you lose a child it seems like time is the enemy. The  impossibly long harrowing days blended into even longer agonizing nights of pain, loneliness and confusion make one wish that time could be stopped and even better reversed to a point when your child was still happy and with you.  Then there is the sudden realization that now that your child has died  you will never see him on this earth again.  That all you really have to hold onto if you are religious or spiritual is that  you will eventually be together again but you also soon realize that it will be a long time in coming and in another place.  And that thought puts you at odds with time as well!

What I did find out about time and healing is that although time moves along it alone does not heal.  Healing is an active process not a passive one.  When you have a wound and do not care for it properly, although it may scab over it often gets infected underneath, takes longer to heal and leaves a scar. 

When we lose a child we feel as though our heart and mind and very soul have been mortally wounded.  We eventually seem to heal up but if we have not cared for those wounds properly while healing then they too merely scab over closing off the infection beneath which greatly lengthens the healing process experts say  and can take according to (Time Magazine July, 1985) 5 to 8 years to recover.  Most generally as well this too can leave a bad scar.

The basic definition of to heal means to make whole again.  When we become sick something or someone has affected our wholeness.  To get back to wholeness we must either eliminate the thing that is affecting our wholeness as in taking antibiotics for strep say or we must integrate it so that we no longer see it as a threat.  Once we can do that it no longer has the same impact and we are free to heal and move on.  

A common factor among many grieving parents I found is that once they were able to create a shift in thinking and acceptance as if they had chosen their loss themselves they were free to move forward again into happiness.  And although not easy to do even when guided by a grief recovery coach or other professional this was necessary  to help them  heal.

Healing is thought of as a spiritual idea where as curing is a medical concept.  That is why it is an active process that we must participate in, it does not happen to us as in curing by a doctor.  As in the saying “Physician heal thyself” we must be active in order to heal from the wounds of child loss.  To do that we learn how to stay open and accepting  the very thing that wounded us. 

 

In Lamaze classes I learned to embrace the pains of childbirth and relax through them as I was taught to view them as  completely normal and natural physical and emotional responses to the birth of one’s  baby.  In doing so I was able to endure up to 20 hours of labor followed by delivery of a healthy baby together with a few stitches of some slightly torn tissue.  All this with no medication of any kind nor an episiotomy.  And I went home the next day!   

Lamaze as well as chronic pain management teaches one not to tighten up around the pain but to relax and allow the pain to be present.  The idea taught is that when pain is resisted it intensifies but when we relax and accept it, it can move and flow through us easier.  Pain is merely an alert that something is wrong whether it be something physical, emotional, spiritual or mental and all we need do is listen.  To relax and breath through it.  We do not want to fight it but learn from it.

Time alone does not heal but healing takes time.  To be healed we can give ourselves the time we each need to open to the pain and open to the loss.  As we do this we grow as we include more of what life holds.  We include what would have been lost to us if our hearts and minds had closed against the pain.  We include what would have been lost if we had not taken the time we needed to work at the healing we needed all along.    

 

Peace & Light,

Stella Wichman

Certified From Heartbreak to Happiness Coach
 
www.parentsgriefrecovery.com
 

“Who then can so softly bind up the wound of another as he who has felt the same wound himself?”

Thomas Jefferson

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by Stella

21 Things That Help Your Surviving Children When They Have Lost A Sibling

April 30, 2010 in Acceptance, Balance, Career Coaching, Communication, Compassion, Grief, Healing, Intuition, Knowledge, Love, Purpose, Rainbow Bridge Coaching and Healing, Relationships, Spiritual Connection, Thought, Understanding, Wisdom

ME 2 SEATTLEWhen my son died an additional hardship was deciding how to tell his sisters as well as how to balance my own grief along with supporting them in theirs.  The following is an excerpt from my diary and upcoming book “Grieving Joshie” by Stella Haight-Wichman

April 29th 2007 Going Home The police have just informed us that after almost 2 years of being missing they have found our son’s murdered remains.  Now while we reel from the news we must tell the girls, his sisters.

 Josh’s 17 year old sister is at their dad’s house.  He will tell her the news there while I break the news to his oldest sister 24 over the phone and Josh’s 10 year old sister at my house .

I call Josh’s oldest sister who is married and lives out of state.  Her husband answers and tells me she is gone for the weekend I tell him that her brothers remains have been found, that he is not coming back and that I do not want to ruin her weekend out with girlfriends so if he wants to tell her when she gets home or she can call me when she gets back and I will tell her. He says he will have her call me and that he is very sorry. 

How do I tell Tia his youngest sister who has mourned his being missing for almost 2 years as only a little girl could, openly and with much grief and confusion?  How can I tell her that her brother isn’t coming home again? How can I tell her that her brother is…dead?   Finally I just go ahead and tell her that the police have told us they found Josh’s body and that he is dead.  She looks stunned and then her eyes fill up with tears as she says “no” over and over as I hold her and she rocks back and forth crying.  Her heart has just been broken completely open as mine has.

 I am so tired.  So much has happened today.  I have had enough for one day, the rest will have to wait for tomorrow or another day.   We cry together into the night until we fall asleep together mercifully.

You must do the thing you think you cannot do.

ELEANOR ROOSEVELT

April 30th 2007 Back At Home

The next afternoon Joshs littlest sister  and I have a peaceful discussion about life and death. We talk about bodies being like dirty clothes encasing souls. I reassure her that Joshie will be like an angel watching over her. I tell her that she can talk to Joshie any time she likes, and that Joshie can hear her. I tell her that Joshies body is dead—but Joshie’s love is forever.  She says she doesn’t want me to ever die and I tell her everything living eventually dies but that I plan on living a long time.  She has a favorite book I gave her sister years ago called” Mama Do You Still Love Me?”  I remind her of that story and tell her that I will always love her for as many days as there are stars in the sky.  I tell her that all she must do when some day very far from now when she is an old grandma and I cannot be with her is look at the stars and know her mom is up there watching over her as her brother now is and that we  will all be up there one day.  This seems to answer all her questions at least for now. She quietly gets up from her bed and picks up the book she got for her brother at a garage sale right after he went missing so if I grounded him he would have something to do and says I guess i don’t need this anymore and hands it to me.  We both start crying again…

Later that day my oldest daughter calls from out of state and tells me she tried to call me earlier and found my line busy and figured I was probably  calling the rest of our family to break the news to them so she then says she called her dad and he already told her about her brother.  I talk with her more and answer as many questions as I can amidst our tears until she finally has to hang up…

 

The following are a list of things  that I and other parents who have lost children have compiled to help other parents when faced with the difficult task of telling their surviving children that one of their siblings has died.  My wish is that in some small measure it helps.

 

  • Tell them as soon as you can.
  • Less is more here so tell them in a simple straight forward manner being careful not to get to explicit.  They will ask more questions if they need to.
  • If they have a question you can’t answer tell them so.
  • Do not beat around the bush.  Tell them using correct words such as dead not sleeping.
  • Ask them if they have any questions either now or later to not be afraid to ask them.
  • Share how you feel as a means of role modeling for them.  An example would be saying I feel so sad that’s why I am crying.  This gives them permission to cry too.
  • Talk about the deceased child using their name it helps everyone to work through it faster. 
  • Be age appropriate when speaking to your child about their siblings death.
  • Talk about the many feelings that they and others feel when grieving, sad, lonely, depressed, teary, angry etc.
  • Read about sibling grief either in books, articles or on the internet to better help your surviving child. 
  • Read an age appropriate book on grief to your child to not only help them talk and understand but because it also tells them they are not alone in this situation.  That there are other kids who have lost siblings.
  • Tell them about the funeral , what happens and answer what questions they may have.
  • Help your child find ways to say goodbye to their deceased brother or sister. 
  • Talk about what happens to people after they die according to your beliefs.
  • Make it clear to your child you are there for them and the many questions they may have.
  • Talk about the memories you both have bad or good.
  • Keep on the lookout for bad dreams.  If they happen often talk about them.
  • Watch for changes in behavior both at home and at school such as: sleep problems, anxiety, eating problems, anger issues, troubles concentrating, clinginess, crabbiness, aggression, or fear.
  • Suggest doing something as a memorial for the sibling who has died.  This often is comforting!
  • If something seems to go on too long or seems to be too severe call a Professional such as a Certified Grief Coach or Therapist.
  • Give your child extra love, attention and physical contact.

 

This is by no means everything that might help but is only meant to be a guide to start you off in the right direction should you need it.

 

Peace & Light,

Stella Wichman

Certified From Heartbreak to Happiness Coach
 
www.parentsgriefrecovery.com
 

“Who then can so softly bind up the wound of another as he who has felt the same wound himself?”

Thomas Jefferson

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by Stella

16+ Things to Know To Help Yourself When Experiencing Child Loss

April 23, 2010 in Acceptance, Balance, Compassion, Grief, Grounding, Healing, Knowledge, Love, Physical Health, Rainbow Bridge Coaching and Healing, Spiritual Connection, Thought, Understanding, Wisdom

ME 2 SEATTLEMy  20 year old son Josh went  missing in 2005 and was missing  for almost 2 years.  I spent the better part of that time working and trying to continue being a mom to my three girls, a wife to my husband and a friend to my friends. Simultaneously I physically searched for my son as well as tried to drive as many people and agencies to keep looking for him with me as if it were their own child that had disappeared.

Police Station Today the police called and asked my husband Mike and I to come down again to the station and meet with Joshes dad and step mom for the umpteenth time. Little do I know that the rug will be pulled out from under me severely and quickly without any warning as it was 2 years ago when I was told that my 20 year old son Josh had gone missing. 

Upon arriving at the police conference room they told us that  my son had been found.  A moment of pure joy that was followed by the next comment b y the police,” his remains were found yesterday afternoon by some individuals in a remote area several hours away from Lewistown.  The area has been cordoned off and evidence is being collected.“   

It takes all my strength and concentration to simply remain where I am under the continued assault of information.  Josh my son is dead.  I ask if they know what has happened and they say yes he has been killed and an investigation will follow. Joshua what happened did you know it was coming?  Did you suffer?  Did you think of me and wonder why I could not come and help you or even stop this terrible thing from happening?  Did you even know you were dying?  Or was it mercifully quick and painless?  I sure hope and pray you didn’t know or feel a thing.  (Excerpt from my diary and upcoming book “Grieving Joshie-A Mothers Triumph” by Stella Haight-Wichman)

Each grieving parent receives the news of their child’s death in some way, a phone call, in person, from a relative or friend.  It becomes our ground zero.  Complete and utter devastation.  We each respond in our own way.  Some emotionally, some go numb, some respond more physically feeling nauseous or feeling as if they were hit hard in the stomach. 

Understanding the reasons for our reactions goes far in how well and how soon we start our recovery from child loss.  Emotions as many of us may have learned, help to regulate our lives, to give us consistency, balance and stability.  So when we suddenly lose that balance as we do when we find out our child has died and life no longer makes any sense, our emotions are affected and felt often times immediately.

Our emotional response in turn causes a physical response often times felt as quickly as a second later.  Chemicals in our body are released ,  causing anxiety and stress which causes the heart to beat faster and can mimic a heart attack and the muscles in our body  contract causing a feeling of stiffness and weakness and tiredness, blood vessels constrict and may reroute blood causing a feeling of coldness in our bodies and or numbness even, antibodies that normally help to keep us from getting sick have a tough time keeping up with things and we may find we get sick more often or more severely. Neurohormones temporarily shut down our awareness so that we feel an emotional numbness not altogether feeling in touch with reality.  I have tried to keep the explanations here simple and in laymen’s terms and they are but a few of the many and different responses parents experience  when losing a child. 

A question I often had when experiencing all these varied and sudden emotional and physical reactions to my son’s death was what is normal?  Below is a listing of some normal reactions to child loss.

  • No emotion or feeling (a feeling of numbness or emotionally empty or dead)
  • Strong emotion (varying from a little to a lot)  Can be tears, hysterical laughter, anger, etc.
  • Inability to sit still (often needing to constantly move or roam about doing things)
  • Loss of focus (trouble with concentration similar to ADD)
  • Feelings of memory loss, fear, disorientation and confusion (as if you suddenly got Alzheimer’s)
  • Nostalgic yearning for and or longing (often times intense and constant)  
  • Changes in biorhythms (eating, sleeping etc)
  • Feeling controlled and overrun by memories
  • Attacked by guilt, anger or blame

A second question I had was what can I do to survive this?

We must give ourselves permission to grieve.  (to feel however we feel, to express our grief in any way that is appropriate for us and to know there is no wrong way unless it is immoral, illegal or is harmful to ourselves and or others i.e. cutting, starvation etc)  Studies point to more physical and psychological problems in the initial months following loss for those suppressing grief as well as more problems over a year and more later.  So expressing how we feel is a normal and healthy means to experiencing grief. 

A third question I had was what should I know to help me through this?

 

  • Hang with those who are supportive of allowing you to grieve your own way.
  • Talk to the child you lost as if they were actually there.
  • Find a professional  counselor, therapist, or grief recovery coach.  What better  time to hire a guide to help you through this painful grieving process so as to move forward easier and quicker.
  • Live in the moment and try and appreciate the small things.  The taste of an orange, the smell of the flowers, the feel of a warm bath!
  • Let others help!  This is a time that tables turned you would want to help out so give others the opportunity to help you with anything you need.
  • Stay close to those that love you.  You do not need any more loss in your life so it is worth focusing on trying to minimize the effects of your grief on your other relationships.  This also gives you something concrete to do to help you through your grief. 
  • Take care of you!  For all sorts of reasons but most of all because you matter in this world!  No telling who or how you might have an impact on someone else who is suddenly thrown into grief and may need your hard earned wisdoms, strength and direction!

Peace & Light,

Stella Wichman

Certified From Heartbreak to Happiness Coach
 
www.parentsgriefrecovery.com
 

“Who then can so softly bind up the wound of another as he who has felt the same wound himself?”

Thomas Jefferson

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by Georgia Feiste

Acting Without A Sense of Self

April 23, 2010 in Love, Spiritual Connection

Have you ever heard that “trying is the same as not doing?” You either do it or you don’t. You don’t try to write a letter, you write a letter.

MPj04446570000[1]The Tao Te Ching tells us that when you try to be good, your fundamental values become inoperative. In your effort to BE good, you lose touch with who you are. When you live out of your core being, you are already good; you don’t have to try. You are living through the connectedness of the universe, living out of oneness. When you label your actions as good, you have created the duality of bad vs. good, and you are no longer truly connected.

Verse 38 says:

The highest virtue is to act without a sense of self

The highest kindness is to give without condition

The highest justice is to see without preference.

I’m reminded of the discourse around what is being termed “Obama-care”, and the anger over the possibility of our taxes going up because we are becoming a socialist nation, with the rich taking care of the poor – or perhaps the middle-class taking care of the poor while the rich get richer. The polarity of this discussion is based on laws, rules and ritual that have developed in our culture over a very long time; artificial principles. I have been thinking about this for some time – perhaps working my way up from the bottom; considering laws, rites, fairness and ultimately goodness. People are crying “It’s not fair”, and yet others are dying because they can’t get health coverage, and subsequently, health care. Where is the goodness in that?

I may be labeled a liberal – and so it is. What if we gave up the desire for “fairness” and opened up our hearts to the generosity of giving without condition or judgment? What if we put ourselves solidly in the Oneness of the Tao. Perhaps it is time to give up the rites and rituals of our tribal ancestors because they no longer serve us. They only serve to create separation and hostility. Verse 38 of the Tao Te Ching ends with “Laws are an outer show of devotion and loyalty – quite confusing to the heart; and when men rely on these rules for guidance – Oh, what ignorance abounds!”

I would rather choose love and to be full of knowing, wouldn’t you?

 

Georgia Feiste, owner of Collaborative Transitions, located in Lincoln, NE, is a life transitions coach, writer, and workshop facilitator.  She specializes in career and personal life transitions for people seeking change in their life.  Georgia is uniquely skilled in providing support and encouragement as her clients set intentional goals to attain their desires, holding open the space they need to stretch and grow. Her passion is success grounded in purpose and passion, standards of integrity and priorities in life.    Her website is http://www.collaborativetransitions.com, where she blogs about business and career, and http://www.rainbowbridgecoach.com , where she and many other coaches blog about mind, body, spirit and emotion.  Georgia can be reached at (402) 484-8098.


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by Collaborative Transitions

Create an Abundance of Love With One Easy Secret

April 21, 2010 in Love

By Sadee Whip

We all have our own ideas about love – what it should look like, how it should feel, who it should be with, and how that person should behave.

The funny thing is that love isn’t something we are supposed to have or get. Love is something that transforms us. Love reveals more love to us. Love shows us the truth of who we are, what we are, what life and God and the universe really is. Love is the foundation of an abundant life.

Think of love as an infinite natural resource. There isn’t a limited supply. And we all have the capacity to be vessels for love. So to worry whether or not someone has enough love for us is, well, kind of erroneous.

But we think love is limited. At least, many of us act like it is. This has more to do with our expectations than the reality of love itself.

When we stop expecting love to show up how we think it should we take the first major step in opening to the transformation that love brings.

If you want to stop playing small – if you want to find out how delicious and amazing you and others really are – then you have to learn to love outside the box.

Today I will share the #1 secret to doing this: (drumroll please)

Curiosity.

Yep, curiosity. It’s the opposite of knowing. It is the one thing that will open your eyes to discovering what love really is and the antidote to the things inside each of us that make us make love small. Let’s take a peek at how this can work.

Scenario #1: Without curiosity

He says “You gonna wear that tonight?”

You get defensive – is he trying to say you look fat? That you look stupid? You feel yourself tighten up, all the affection and romance drains out of your body, and you retreat to the bathroom. No sex tonight. You probably wont even kiss, maybe not even hold hands.

Scenario #2: With curiosity

He says “You gonna wear that tonight?”

You become curious and say “I am. Why do you ask?”

He says “Because I don’t know if I can handle being around you in that outfit in public – you look really hot. I might embarrass myself.”

There are countless opportunities every day to be curious rather than small – to love outside the little boxes we try to put on everyone.

Judgment limits the expression and expansion love offers. It makes everything small. It makes life not-juicy. It makes us not-juicy. And it creates a world that is not fun to be in.

Your homework is to cultivate the habit of asking “Why do you ask?” There are a zillion questions that cultivate curiosity but let’s start here. Asking “why do you ask” will allow you to discover the reality that lurks beneath all the stories we all make up every day.

Curiosity allows us to discover the truth of the fact that most people, I mean 90%+, aren’t saying and doing things to antagonize us. Most people, in fact, want to connect. We’re hard-wired for it.

Curiosity allows us to make room for other people – their personalities, styles, approaches, beliefs, tendencies, quirks. It allows us to form real connection and not walk around in the isolated little scenarios in our own heads.

Dare to step outside the box of judgment and discover what’s really going on in the hearts and minds of others. And even if you get a snarky response to the question “Why do you ask?” you can get curious about the snarkiness! Personally, I find that most people are snarky for reasons that have nothing to do with me and when I don’t react to it but, instead, get curious, it often happens that the walls fall away and they tell me about what a hard few days they’ve had or that their mother is really ill or something else that reveals the truth of their humanity.

Cultivate curiosity. At the very least you will discover a much bigger world than the one you’ve been living in. And you just might step into a world of unimaginable abundance.

Sadee Whip is expert at helping people with rapid and meaningful personal transformation. Sadee believes everyone can live in a juicier, more fulfilling and beautiful way. If you are going through change, want more from life, or are tired of “fixing” yourself you can find the resources you need at http://thejuicytruth.com.

Article Source: http://EzineArticles.com/?expert=Sadee_Whip

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by Stella

The Rebalancing Of A Family After Child Loss

April 14, 2010 in Acceptance, Balance, Communication, Compassion, Grief, Healing, Intuition, Knowledge, Love, Purpose, Rainbow Bridge Coaching and Healing, Relationships, success, Thought, Understanding, Wisdom

ME 2 SEATTLEWhen my son was found murdered, indeed even after he went missing I found that my family and myself instinctively knew that we needed to get itself back into the rhythm and balance that was lost when our Josh was gone.  This feeling seemed to grow out of a necessity to not replace but to reorganize roles. I found that when your child dies there is a definite shift in the balance of the family and it helped for me to understand what needed to happen to again find that equilibrium.    

It seems that the role of your child which held parental hopes and expectations, and was as well the object of love and focus of your family’s attention, is an important one, and its absence is felt keenly by everyone.

I observed families are a lot like an organization.  They take on their own identity with their own characteristics and are more than the sum of their parts or in this case family members.  They do not merely reflect the individuals that are in it. 

In families it seems that when something happens to an individual it has an affect on the family and conversely if something happens to the family it has an affect on the individuals in that family. So for example when my son died I was preoccupied and withdrawn as I grieved at work and everywhere else for that matter which took my focus away from where it was usually therefore having an affect on others in the family.  And because my focus was drawn away our loss not only was felt by each one of us but in addition it was as if my family lost me as well as Josh.

I have learned that families which have experienced child loss also work hard at regaining the balance in the family they had before the loss and may not even be aware of the fact that they are making changes to accomplish this.  They may shift or change roles, rules, communication, expectations and behaviors to regain the equilibrium that stabilizes the family so it again operates consistently. There is no right way to achieve this as each family differs due to the uniqueness of its individuals. 

My older girls each pitched in and spent more time with their little sister after losing their brother.  They seemed to know instinctively that she would need that as he and she had been very close and spent a lot of time together.  My oldest started calling me daily which she still does after 5 years as she knew her brother had regularly called me or visited on weekends and summers while in college.  My youngest started turning into the family clown always trying to lighten things up when needed, which is the role her brother had filled in the family until he went missing.  These are just a few examples of reassigned roles and obligations in our own family as we tried to reestablish a balance in our family again.

This happened entirely of its own accord in our family as water will move to fill a void when it’s there.  Regardless of whether family balance is resolved healthily or successfully, the period of reorganization following a family’s loss I can say firsthand is very stressful.

I did find with other parents I have coached through grief that one must be careful of not doubling the grief for your surviving children by stealing their own unique identity by placing demands on them to take on the role of their deceased sibling. (Your brother was an accomplished basketball player and you should be too now) when they have no interest in basketball. 

On the other hand sometimes if a surviving child has been in the shadow of his sibling (an accomplished basketball player for instance) he may be able to step into the limelight and shine now.

Remember that this is such an explosive time for each member of the family and one member’s grief can trigger another. 

An accumulation of grief and pain in an individual or even in the family as a whole can trigger blowups.   On the other hand at times the family can draw strength from each other and gain support and solace.

Recognize the need to look at each family members needs and weigh them against that of the family at times.  An example would be everyone wanted to celebrate Christmas traditionally at home and I wanted to get away instead and so we celebrated out of town at my oldest daughters. It is important to strike a delicate balance so as to encourage healthy grieving and communication and unity rather than the opposite.  Compromise seems to be in order here as each person finds that the health of the whole family is the goal and that each family member will have situations come up that will take precedence.    

Remember that each family member does not have the same needs, grieve the same nor have the same relationship with the deceased individual.   There are personal differences which must be taken into account.  Individual factors are responsible for how each person will react to grief rather than similarity to others in the family or the fact that they all lost the same person in the family.

Lastly the very thing that helps which is the closeness of the remaining members of the family also can be the very thing that threatens to destroy the family.  It is easy when we are hurting to place blame, be angry, make false accusations, and place unfair expectations on those we need the most due to irrational demands or fear of upsetting another in the family. 

Although a huge undertaking the surviving family needs to reorganize itself to survive and must cope with the stresses of containing different grievers, each with different, unique needs. It is indeed a huge job and what is needed is patience, love, compassion and understanding.   

Peace & Light,

Stella Wichman

Certified From Heartbreak to Happiness Coach
 
www.parentsgriefrecovery.com
 

“Who then can so softly bind up the wound of another as he who has felt the same wound himself?”

Thomas Jefferson

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