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by Georgia Feiste

Book Review: Beyond Reason

December 14, 2010 in Grief, Healing, Love

Wow!  You will find emotion, thought-provoking ideas, and many tender stories packed into a short 110 page book that will take you just a couple of hours to read.  Beyond Reason is a book about the loss of a gifted child, and his father’s search for light and meaning over the next fifteen years. 

As a physician, Gregg Korbon approached many things in life from a scientific viewpoint.  His life was harried, and without depth in terms of human emotions and connection.  Dr. Korbon was immersed in academics and spent his professional time buried in facts and scientific proof.  He spent much of his home life dealing with two children who did not come in to this world in the best of health.  After the death of his son, Brian, Dr. Korbon began to open himself to the embracing warmth of love and the magic of the universe.  Reaction to Brian’s death took his father down many paths, from metaphysics to psychic phenomenon, learning about the waves of energy flowing around and through us as we dance our life’s story.   

Two concepts really stuck out for me as I read of Gregg’s experiences over the years as he sought to relieve his pain from the loss of his child.  First, his thoughts and ideas around the process of letting go are profound and far-reaching.  He concentrated on letting go of fear – the fear of getting close to people, the fear of activities unknown to us, and the fear of dying.  I was struck by what I was reading, and the synchronicity of messages, as I had just completed giving a class in which I had shared Deepak Chopra’s Principles for Spiritual Optimism.    His third principle is that “you belong in the scheme of the Universe.  There is nothing to be afraid of.  You are safe.  Fear cannot be trusted.”  The tenth and final principle is letting go – the path to freedom.  I have been experimenting with this concept in my own life recently – letting go of the fear, knocking down walls, being who I really am.  It has been surprisingly liberating and has drawn people in to my life I might never have met before, and deepened relationships that go back forty years and more. 

The second concept that held deep meaning for me calls on us to believe in magic and re-learn what we have forgotten as we trained to become adults in a weary and cynical world.  We won’t re-learn this magic through the teaching of other adults as much as we will by allowing the children in our lives to teach us.  They are in tune with the Universe, and speak of it’s miracles through their actions, their words, and their wonder.  If we only sit down and really listen to them, we will remember.  Deepak Chopra’s first principle of Spiritual Optimism says that the “healthiest response to life is laughter.  It is an antidote for fear and sorrow.”  Remember the laughter of your small children as they danced and played through their days?  They are full of imagination and have the answers to our problems.  We steal that from them by subjecting them to hours and hours of television rather than reading to them, doing crafts with them, and talking to them about magic and miracles.  The next time I am spending time with my grandchildren, it is my intention to really pay attention to our conversations – knowing that I have much to re-learn about the joy and power of the Universe.

Georgia Feiste, President of Collaborative Transitions Coaching, Inc., located in Lincoln, NE, is a personal growth and leadership coach, writer, and workshop facilitator.  She is also a Usui Reiki Master and EFT practitioner.  Her passion is success grounded in purpose and passion, standards of integrity and priorities in life.  You can also find Georgia on her website, Collaborative Transitions, Twitter, LinkedIn and Facebook.   Georgia may also be reached at (402) 304-1902 if you wish to schedule a 30 minute complementary consultation.

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by Georgia Feiste

National Forgiveness Day

October 26, 2010 in Healing

Forgiveness takes a lot of Faith

That faith comes more easily if we are not fully buying into the system of separation. But it also has to do with the heart.

Often it is an intuitive flash that tells us that not forgiving, but holding vengeful, hateful thoughts, is actually more damaging to our own system. This poison of hate and resentment will also affect the person we are projecting those thoughts onto, but in the end it is going to hurt us more.

So forgiveness is the willingness to let go–of our self-importance, our pride, our hurt, our resentment, and the feeling that we have to get our pound of flesh.

Deep inside us we do know the truth, that we are not separate and that we are love. When we awaken to the truth, about our real self and thus to love, we do not proudly and self-importantly pamper and cherish ourselves. We love ourselves in a much more respectful way, all the while knowing that our and others’ baggage does not matter. It does not have to be important. That is true nobility of soul.

As Alexander Pope said, ‘To err is human, to forgive divine.’ Learning to forgive is the very real awakening of our divine nature.

October 30th is National Forgiveness Day

The Center Of Unconditional Love (COUL) is dedicated to creating as awareness and understanding of the power of love and the joy of forgiveness in producing good health, happiness, and stress-free living in the lives of individuals and in our home, work, and worship environments.

With this mission in sight, we celebrate October as Forgiveness Month, the week of Oct. 24-31 as Forgiveness Week, and Saturday, Oct. 30, on the 5th annual National Forgiveness Day.

Volunteers and organizations such as yours will celebrate the joy of forgiveness by publishing/printing/distributing/sharing forgiveness information and copies of the “Power Of Love Joy Of Forgiveness Health & Wellness Plan” with as many people aspossible by email, newsletters, publications, worship center bulletin inserts, flyers, word-of-mouth, etc.   Please enjoy www.unconditionallovelive.com.   The goal is to reach 5 million people this year.

Georgia Feiste, owner of Collaborative Transitions Coaching, Inc., located in Lincoln, NE, is a personal growth and leadership transition coach, writer, and workshop facilitator.  She is also a Usui Reiki Master.  Georgia specializes in career, business and personal life transitions for people seeking change in their life.  Her passion is success grounded in purpose and passion, standards of integrity and priorities in life.  You can also find her on her websites http://www.collaborativetransitions.com, http://www.rainbowbridgecoach.com , and http://www.georgiafeiste.com.  Georgia can be reached at (402) 304-1902 or you can schedule a 30 minute consultation via Automated Appointment.

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by Georgia Feiste

Book Review: Walking Through Illusion

August 30, 2010 in Healing, Love, Spiritual Connection

Walking Through Illusion, by Betsy Otter Thompson, is a thought provoking book based on the energy of love and the freedom each of us has to express that love. Much of the book is devoted to her thoughts around the physics of action/reaction, and she has chosen to explain those thoughts in the context of biblical stories through a question and answer with Jesus. In each chapter, she chooses a different biblical character and the lessons they learned from Jesus’ perspective. At chapter’s end, she has included several questions to ponder, and what this lesson meant to her.

In the book, Betsy expresses many of the things I believe and work with during my coaching sessions. One of the primary concepts is what she acknowledges (and I paraphrase) as “equal justice prevails in both directions. The more you act in positive ways and enjoyed the results you get, the more you test the power of physics in areas more demanding. . . As you face your actions honestly and acknowledge the mirror returning, you will know that you control receivership, at least in terms of emotion. This will put you in the powerful position of creating what you prefer.”

Many of the chapters spoke to me because of my background in Unity, and the many books I have read over the years. It follows the concept that life is an illusion, and we create everything in it. Additionally, time is based on our memories of yesterday, and what our imagination conjures up for us in the future. All we really have is the moment we are living – and we can choose to fill it with joy or angst. Much of what we dream about in the future is wrapped around happiness and love, unless we are steeped in fear. The question asked within the book is very profound, “If love is in the moment and you’re happy now, why does it matter what the future brings? . . . The moment is everything. Today is the sum total of who you are. To gain more of who you are is a mental discipline. If you see the emotional goodness of now, you’ll be seeing it in the future as well.”

Throughout many of the chapters, the author is speaking of the need to look within rather than to external sources for what we need. The chapter on “Handicaps” caught my attention specifically because my son is blind, and while both of us spent a great deal time looking at this as a handicap, it has opened up multiple possibilities for his life, and is now viewed as a gift. In this chapter, we are taught that there is a truth that is right for everyone. That truth is that everyone is looking for the ultimate in themselves; it is what we all have in common. On page 161, there is a beautiful prayer that was given to Aaron by Jesus to help him as he grew in strength:

Dear God:

My love remains my knowledge forever

My heart remains my friend forever.

My aura remains my self forever.

Help me to share the person I am, so all that I am expands forever.

This is a book you will want to keep close to the place you retreat to meditate and ask for guidance each day. If you choose to read it straight through, I encourage you to go back and work through the questions at the end of each chapter to provide you with the opportunity for more introspection and growth.

Walking Through Illusion can be found at O Books, http://www.o-books.net. If you have questions about the book, contact Betsy Otter Thompason at her web site: betsy@betsythompson.com.

 

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by Stella

Going With The Flow

August 29, 2010 in Acceptance, Compassion, Grief, Healing, Uncategorized

One of the things I came to realize after losing my 20 year old son was that so much of our energies are used up and so much of our small joys are missed because we resist what is.  Our child has been unfairly and unjustly taken away  from us and in the blink of an eye our life has changed forever and we do not want that to be.   So we resist with our hearts, our minds, all of our being and find it uses up the majority of our life’s focus and energy and to what avail it changes nothing except our moments of joy, which go now unnoticed and our life-force which is mostly drained and leaves us feeling as if we are on autopilot.   A mere shell of who we were.  I read once that we as parents soon after the loss of our child operate at 85% less of our previous abilities.  I would believe it! 

What I later learned though is we have a choice in how we will respond to our loss.  Going with the flow means not resisting the direction the flow is taking you whether you are there by choice or not.  It does not mean we choose it nor that we like it but that we are open to the direction we are being taken and learn to  trust that the powers that be or place life is taking us will be OK.  It is like being small again and having our lives directed by adults who are there for us.  Some of these things work and some don’t work for our individual and unique personalities.  But still we live our young lives, and are happy and prosper.  This is the attitude Buddha may have meant when he said “It is what it is.” Sometimes things truly are just what they are and the answer to how to cope with that is to simply ride it out and believe things will be ok again, different without your child, but there will be joys again, and beauty, and love and all the things that make life wonderful and worthwhile. 

 Peace & Light,

Stella Wichman

Certified From Heartbreak to Happiness Coach
 
www.parentsgriefrecovery.com
 

“Who then can so softly bind up the wound of another as he who has felt the same wound himself?”

Thomas Jefferson

 

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by Stella

Steps To Peace After The Heartbreak Of Child-loss

August 19, 2010 in Career Coaching, Grief, Healing, Uncategorized

Losing my own son and moving through the initial grief to where I was ready to move forward again  I learned that in Grief  coaching there are steps one takes which once they have been completed, move a grieving parent from pain to peace.  Although none of us will certainly ever forget our child and more than likely we will always have grief-bursts from time to time,  we can learn how to better integrate our loss easier and quicker  with the guidance and support of a professional grief recovery coach.   Then we will find we can again move forward in our lives and be happy.

 In the 12 step method I use coaching parents from the pain of child-loss to happiness again, there are two steps that have to do with writing.  One is called the Letter of Apology and Appreciation and is designed to create a mind shift to move you from any negative feelings you have about or surrounding your child’s death to feelings of positivity. 

The other step is a powerful path to peace and is simply called A Relationship Review For Peace.  Understand that when a relationship ends even when it is because your child died it is important to realize a number of things.  First that only the physical aspects of your relationship have come to an end.  Although very difficult to go through it helps to understand that we as parents still and always will have the other two parts of our relationship with our child and that is the spiritual connection and emotional connection we have had since they were born.  Understanding these two other important facets of our continued connection with our children then explains why these two writing steps work so well at helping move us forward towards peace.

 In doing the Relationship Review For Peace letter we learn that it is quite normal when a relationship ends to have your mind go crazy, you find yourself reviewing, analyzing, yearning, condemning, wishing etc. over and over again.  It’s like an empty spot in your mouth where a tooth recently was we just keep digging and digging into the raw spot looking for the tooth and finding how tender the area is!    We as grieving parents find that as we continue reviewing the relationship with our child, instead of moving forward as we wish, instead it’s as if our wheels have become stuck in the sand.  The more we try to drive out the more stuck we seem to get. 

Although it’s normal and natural to review a relationship which has ended with one’s child, we have to know how to do it or we just dig ourselves  in deeper emotionally.  Done properly this step works to bring back freedom, peace and happiness. 

Some of the questions I use with these two writing steps to help a parent powerfully connect with their child after they have died are:

•What experiences have I been through since my loved one’s death?

•What do I miss?

•What do I regret?

•What issues in our relationship remain unresolved?

•What do I appreciate?

•What have I learned about myself, my loved one, and my relationship?

•What do I want to carry on?

Ask yourself the following questions after you have written your letter:

•Was I open and honest?

•Did I express my love and appreciation?

•Did I address unresolved issues in our relationship?

•Do I still feel regrets?

•Are any resentments still bothering me?

•Is anything left unsaid?

•Do I feel forgiveness? Do I feel more understanding?

I invite you to use these steps to  work through your own loss or to share this with someone you know who has experienced the pain of child-loss.    A certified grief recovery coach can more quickly and easily lead you through both these steps, The Letter of Apology and Appreciation and The Relationship Review for Peace along with 10 other steps which have been used by myself as well as countless other grieving parents  to heal the past and open your heart to happiness again.

 Peace & Light,

Stella Wichman

Certified From Heartbreak to Happiness Coach
 
www.parentsgriefrecovery.com
 

“Who then can so softly bind up the wound of another as he who has felt the same wound himself?”

Thomas Jefferson

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by Stella

How Do I Help A Grieving Parent?

August 13, 2010 in Acceptance, Balance, Career Coaching, Communication, Compassion, Fearless, Grief, Healing, Intuition, Knowledge, Love, Purpose, Relationships, Spiritual Connection, success, Thought, Uncategorized, Understanding, Wisdom

 ”What can I do to help someone who has lost a child?  I get asked this quite often and although I have previously written some about it in my other blogs there are some additional things I would like to add.  In my own experience  many of my friends and family were great support, there were others however who either shied away from me as they did not know what to do or were worried they might say the wrong thing.   Some were hit and miss, they were often one time helpful and another not.  The following are some things you can do to better support a grieving parent:

Acknowledge that your friends child has died and the impact this has had on your friend.  Show interest in your friends feelings and worries.  Realize you cannot and do not need to make them feel better.  It is okay and healthy for either or both of you to cry.  Listen when your friend wants to talk and keep it confidential.  Try not to give too much advice because you feel helpless.  Your friend has all the answers and your job is to listen, reflect back and help them to find those answers from within themselves.

Admit you don’t know what to do for your friend.  Let your friend know you feel inadequate to help and do not know what to do and take their direction if you can.  If you feel overwhelmed by the intensity of it let your friend know why you need to take a break from it for awhile.

Learn what it is your grieving friend is experiencing. Read up on grief on the internet, check into books on grieving, talk with others that have dealt with grieving parents.  Understand that your friend may be tired, irritable, edgy, forgetful and have trouble focusing due to anxiety, stress and grief.  Realize that grief takes time and your friend is learning a new normal for him or herself.  You may sometimes see that your friend needs you and other times they may want to be alone.  Sometimes they will want to talk and other times be silent with you.

Help as and when you can- and realize small things help a lot too.  Meals, breads, cookies, errand running, phone calls, offers to take other kids for a bit and cards and notes all help.

Try and take things with a grain of salt.  Many grieving parents have not the energy  to be considerate or nice so try not to take words or actions by them  personally.

Grief changes a person and although some friendships deepen some drift apart.  Try and be open and accepting of change and grieve if you must the loss of the old friendship.

 Peace & Light,

Stella Wichman

Certified From Heartbreak to Happiness Coach
 
www.parentsgriefrecovery.com
 

“Who then can so softly bind up the wound of another as he who has felt the same wound himself?”

 Thomas Jefferson

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by Stella

A Grieving Place

August 5, 2010 in Acceptance, Balance, Career Coaching, Compassion, Grief, Healing, Knowledge, Love, Rainbow Bridge Coaching and Healing, success, Thought, Uncategorized, Understanding, Wisdom

My grieving started when my son of 20 years suddenly went missing.  I found that I needed to figure a way to grieve without it interrupting my day for that’s when I needed to be strong to continue looking for him.  I needed strength then also to coordinate the continual onslaught of information with the many agencies that assisted us as well as be there for my three girls.  My husband and I also needed time together and I continued  working fulltime to pay for our normal bills as well as hire different individuals to search for Josh.  All of this took time and energy something which it seemed I never had enough of. 

  I found that  creating a schedule including a regular time to grieve, as well as a place to grieve which for me was the bathroom was the best way to keep my grief from taking me and my day over.  It was necessary to have a quiet place and to not be interrupted I learned.  Starting out I had a picture of my son in a bathroom basket  along with some pictures of my girls.  Later I added more pictures  and a lock of my sons hair I was given by the coroner much later when his murdered remains were found.  Eventually I ordered an amulet and a small decorative vase with a bit of my sons cremated remains and added those things to my basket.  What one uses is not important nor how much or little and obviously what you change or leave the same is unimportant as well.  What is important is that it means something to you and helps you feel connected to your child and assists you in the grieving you must go through.

At first it happened spontaneously, I found myself getting ready for bed after everyone else had gone to sleep and the day had slowed down enough for me to start thinking about how much I missed my son and wonder what had happened and where he was.  This of course led to the grief, it started usually with tears and then led to spasms of grief much like throwing up but from the bowels of your soul rather than your stomach.  I often needed to scream at the very world itself for allowing this to happen to my wonderful son and me and our family and friends.  Screams of anger, sadness, fear, frustration and my own agony.  I found this was possible and just as effective to my mental and physical health if I used a bath towel to muffle my screams and soak up my tears without my family being affected any more than they were already.  This is not to mean that I never cried in front of them, because I did, both to help facilitate their grieving as well as my own but no one wants anyone watching them while throwing up and this was no different.

 Some parents I have talked to found this scheduled time alone to grieve very frightening.  They mentioned feeling alone and a bit crazy.  But even small periods of time can allow you as I did, to explore the very heart of your grief and pain and find in that dark place, that black hole, a way back  to a source of life from within.  It is from this inner place  that you come upon the resources to move through the passage of grief and ultimately to transform the experience into healing.

 One of the meditations I was taught during this tough time to assist me with the hard work of grief and healing I invite you to try:

Meditational Grieving Exercise

Sit quietly alone in a safe and private place bringing your full attention to your grief. Take a few minutes to reflect on your child who is dying or has died, acknowledging this loss. Feel where the grief is residing in your body right now. Note how it surfaces in your thoughts and feelings. Grief changes from month to month, from week to week, from day to day, even from moment to moment. Give it your full attention. Don’t assume that what you felt yesterday is what you are feeling today. Be present with your grief as it is right now without judging, without criticizing, without trying to change anything. If feelings surface, let them flow. Trust them as they present themselves. Don’t push them back, don’t push them away. It’s safe here where you are. If you are feeling numb, you may at first feel that nothing is going on but if you look closer you may discover that even numbness involves a complicated set of sensations and experiences . So don’t judge yourself for feeling numb. Explore the feeling.

Give yourself permission to cry, express anger, be crazy or quiet, to feel a lot or to feel numb. This is your protected sanctuary where you can fully acknowledge the loss of your child. Your child is dying or has died. Your world has changed both within and without. Cradle yourself in your grief. You need your love, your protection. So be gentle with yourself and take your time. Let yourself be however you are in this present moment.

 Peace & Light,

Stella Wichman

Certified From Heartbreak to Happiness Coach
 
www.parentsgriefrecovery.com
 

“Who then can so softly bind up the wound of another as he who has felt the same wound himself?”

                                                                                   Thomas Jefferson

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by Georgia Feiste

Fibromyalgia and Me

August 1, 2010 in Fibromyalgia, Healing, Physical Health

About ten years ago, my doctor diagnosed me with fibromyalgia. I was experiencing pain on a twenty four hour basis. It kept me up at night – I often would get only two or three hours of sleep. I was also diagnosed with IBS, and began to have severe issues with that, along with very severe headaches. I was working ten to twelve hour days, and was having difficulty keeping up with everything, including taking care of myself. Those of you with fibromyalgia are familiar with the story; those of you who are not have difficulty understanding and at times discount how miserable those living with FMS can feel.

Ten to fifteen million people are diagnosed with Fibromyalgia in the United States. All are searching for relief from the muscle and joint pain they are struggling with on a daily basis. This can be pain that is so severe, and accompanied by chronic fatigue, that it stops us from participating in life as it was meant to be lived.

Here is what those of us with FMS know: When we talk to doctors, we often hear “There is nothing wrong with you, it is all in your head”. My immediate reaction to this is not printable, so let’s go with “Not true”.

Not to alarm you, but, what if I told you that some of what you are experiencing is “in your head”. No, don’t stop reading! This is good news!

I recently read that “Fibromyalgia is a very serious disease that slowly progresses over time. There is no cure for it so the best alternative that people have is to slow the progression of the disease with medication and a proper diet. They can also use various medications to offer some relief from the pain. The amount of discomfort a person with Fibromyalgia suffers from can cause them to have trouble completing daily tasks as well as maintaining employment.”

Yes, well, that is an obvious approach. Eat right, kill the pain with pills. I knew that this was not enough for me – I wanted my old life back, as much as I could get, and I didn’t want to do it by masking the symptoms by taking drugs that either made me ill, caused me to gain weight, or made me so loopy I couldn’t keep my job.

We know Fibromyalgia is extremely difficult to diagnose, because the cause of it is confusing. Here is what I have been told about what causes Fibromyalgia, and I am sure you have heard much the same:

  • Depression
  • Trauma
  • Overexertion
  • Anxiety
  • Lack of exercise
  • Stress
  • Humidity
  • Lack of sleep or sleep disturbances
  • Infectious disease
  • Extremes of temperature
  • Abnormal functioning of the immune system
  • Lactic acid accumulation in the muscles
  • Food allergies
  • Serotonin deficiency
  • Anemia

What I discovered for me, and have since discussed with Dr. Chad A. Miller, board certified chiropractic neurologist, who specializes in patients with Fibromyalgia, is that Fibromyalgia needs to be approached from multiple directions, because it appears to have multiple causes, and no two people react to medical and alternative treatments exactly the same. (Miller, 2009)

According to Dr. Miller, Fibromyalgia is NOT a permanent diagnosis.

I was so excited when I heard this that I have spent a good portion of the last few years doing research on everything I can do to help myself live with FMS. I have tried everything I have read, trying to stay away from drugs as best I can, kept what works and let go of what didn’t. I am virtually pain free at this point, except for the aches and pains when I first get up in the morning, and many of my other symptoms are almost non-existent.

I have come to the conclusion that I don’t want to “have” FMS and I don’t want to be an FMS survivor – that labels me. I want to be me, all of me, not just part of me. So, the part of me that loves to share what I learn has decided to blog and coach around FMS in an effort to connect with like-minded people. I am going to share what I have learned about what causes Fibromyalgia, what has worked for me, and what hasn’t. There are many sites, and lots of opinions around which drugs are most effective. I will leave it to my readers to help me with that portion of the conversation – I rarely take any drugs for pain relief – I find that I actually hurt more when I do and the side effects get in the way of enjoying my life.

Thanks for joining, and I’ll talk to you again next week.

Georgia Feiste, owner of Collaborative Transitions Coaching, Inc., located in Lincoln, NE, is a personal growth coach, writer, and workshop facilitator.  She is also a Usui Reiki Master, living with Fibromyalgia.  While Georgia specializes in career, business and personal life transitions for people seeking change in their life, she is also passionate about working with people with chronic pain associated with FMS.  She is uniquely skilled in providing support and encouragement as her clients set intentional goals to attain their desires, holding open the space they need to stretch and grow. Her passion is success grounded in purpose and passion, standards of integrity and priorities in life.    Her websites are http://www.collaborativetransitions.com, where you can find her blogs about business and career, http://www.rainbowbridgecoach.com , where she and many other coaches blog about mind, body, spirit and emotion, and http://www.georgiafeiste.com where you can catch her thoughts on a wide variety of topics.  Georgia can be reached at (402) 304-1902 or you can schedule a 30 minute consultation via Automated Appointment.

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by Stella

Healing a Loss at a Time

July 30, 2010 in Acceptance, Balance, Career Coaching, Compassion, Grief, Healing, Knowledge, Love, Uncategorized, Understanding, Wisdom

Interesting how each loss prepares you for the next.  Surviving the loss of my son after he had been missing for almost two years was certainly the most devastating event in my life.   And I have reflected back on the fact that each  of my previous loss experiences  both big and small helped me to handle something like losing a child.    How remarkable that the very things I learned to handle that loss I am  again using with new losses I have found myself up against.

I, my siblings and friends are at that time in our lives when either we have lost parents and or have aging parents that we realize  will not  be there for us one day.  We find our children are growing up and are leaving home and we find ourselves mourning that connection when they were part of our daily lives.  We are experiencing retirement or career changes and the losses associated with that.   Some of my friends have life altering or life threatening illnesses, even the world we once knew is becoming a scarier place to be in and makes us feel sad at the loss of olden days and simpler times.  Each of these things once again forces me to let go of the very false perception we have that we have control of our lives. In an instant the rug can be pulled out from under us, the course of our lives forever changed and leave us ungrounded and devastated.

 What I have come to understand is that while the tide in our lives is the constant, what the tide brings each time is ever changing and seeing the beauty in this natural rhythm of things is profound.

 A fact of life is we will experience many losses and in our lifetimes we live by losing, leaving and letting go. These are simply a part of our ever changing world like the seasons.  We nor those we love can escape this sorrow that is part of life.  Parents die, friends drift away and our children grow up and leave home. We lose spouses and partners to divorce or death; sometimes we lose them emotionally long before.

 With each major loss, we often encounter multiple losses. For example, the death of a parent can lead to many other losses– of our identity as their child, of our family history, and sometimes of friends as they retreat from the intensity of our grief. Losing a job can lead to the loss of self-confidence, identity, and power. A miscarriage or infertility can bring about the loss of the dream of having a family. A divorce can result in the loss of a lifestyle, home, friends, and identity.

   Our culture is one of acquisition and in it we are not taught how to handle loss.  We often think that we can avoid the pain of loss if we keep busy, that we can wall off our hearts a little to protect ourselves. However it is the un-grieved losses that snowball and eventually take their toll on our hearts and deaden us. We do not realize that even these, as hard as they are, are connected to our personal growth.

 Irish poet John O’ Donohue writes that loss is the “sister of discovery”.   He explains that as it empties and clears away the old, loss makes room for something new.  It allows us to grow and enjoy new things. Loss provides a “vital clearance of the soul”.  It prunes away the dead branches so that new shoots can break forth.

  When we are able to open our hearts and ourselves to the many smaller losses in our lives and treat them as teachings for the more major losses for which life will bring us, we are not so overwhelmed when a major loss such as the death of a child happens.  Instead we are able to tap into that reservoir of loss we hold within us and not only survive it but grow from it.

Peace & Light,

Stella Wichman

Certified From Heartbreak to Happiness Coach
 
www.parentsgriefrecovery.com
 

“Who then can so softly bind up the wound of another as he who has felt the same wound himself?”

                                                                                   Thomas Jefferson

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by Stella

Finding The Path Through The Bewildering Experience Of Loss

July 23, 2010 in Acceptance, Balance, Career Coaching, Communication, Compassion, Grief, Grounding, Healing, Intuition, Knowledge, Love, Motivation, Perception, Purpose, Rainbow Bridge Coaching and Healing, Spiritual Connection, Thought, Uncategorized, Understanding, Wisdom

Parents who lose a child are often left feeling as if they have survived a catastrophe and are left standing at  ground zero with no clue as to where to go or how to begin getting their life back.  It is difficult to know what to do from where they are at and on top of it they are left feeling stunned and reeling from the intense feelings of loss and pain.  Our society I have found offers little help in this area and the things people tell us such as time heals all wounds and he’s in a better place anger, frustrate, and stir up  the anxiety and confusion we already feel.  What I was fortunate enough to have found is that there are tools we  can use that make a huge difference in how quickly and easily we are able to merge our lives before we lost our child with the life we have now without that child.  Although forever changed  we can learn to adjust and be happy again.   We can each use our own creative and intuitive abilities fine tuned to us to help us find the peace we need.  We just need to be taught how and my experience was that with a grief recovery coach I was able to learn not only what these tools are but was coached on how to use them.    Some of the help I found came from a book I read called:  The Infinite Thread: Healing Relationships Beyond Loss by Alexandra Kennedy.  In it she mentions 7 steps for the process of recovery.

 They are:

  • to express all the feelings over this loss: anguish, longing, relief, anger, depression, numbness, despair, aching, guilt, confusion, and often unbearable pain
  • to let the nonnegotiable and excruciating reality sink in that you will never again be in the physical presence of your deceased loved one
  • to review your relationship from the beginning and to see the positive and negative aspects of the person and the relationship
  • to identify and heal your unresolved issues and your regrets
  • to explore the changes in your family and other relationships
  • to integrate all the changes into a new sense of yourself and to take on healthy new ways of being in the world without this person
  • to form a healthy new inner relationship with this person and to find new ways of relating to him or her.

Kennedys book reinforced how it’s important to actively work to integrate and resolve our grief, not to just passively experience our reactions to it.  She states that, “Grief carries us until we learn to carry it.” Reading that phrase helped me understand that we do not need to stay victims of grief we can be survivors and even captains of our destiny again if we wish!

Peace & Light,

Stella Wichman

Certified From Heartbreak to Happiness Coach
 
www.parentsgriefrecovery.com
 

“Who then can so softly bind up the wound of another as he who has felt the same wound himself?”

Thomas Jefferson

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