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Finding The Path Through The Bewildering Experience Of Loss

July 23, 2010 in Acceptance, Balance, Career Coaching, Communication, Compassion, Grief, Grounding, Healing, Intuition, Knowledge, Love, Motivation, Perception, Purpose, Rainbow Bridge Coaching and Healing, Spiritual Connection, Thought, Uncategorized, Understanding, Wisdom

Parents who lose a child are often left feeling as if they have survived a catastrophe and are left standing at ground zero with no clue as to where to go or how to begin getting their life back. It is difficult to know what to do from where they are at and on top of it they are left feeling stunned and reeling from the intense feelings of loss and pain. Our society I have found offers little help in this area and the things people tell us such as time heals all wounds and he’s in a better place anger, frustrate, and stir up the anxiety and confusion we already feel. What I was fortunate enough to have found is that there are tools we can use that make a huge difference in how quickly and easily we are able to merge our lives before we lost our child with the life we have now without that child. Although forever changed we can learn to adjust and be happy again. We can each use our own creative and intuitive abilities fine tuned to us to help us find the peace we need. We just need to be taught how and my experience was that with a grief recovery coach I was able to learn not only what these tools are but was coached on how to use them. Some of the help I found came from a book I read called: The Infinite Thread: Healing Relationships Beyond Loss by Alexandra Kennedy. In it she mentions 7 steps for the process of recovery.

They are:

to express all the feelings over this loss: anguish, longing, relief, anger, depression, numbness, despair, aching, guilt, confusion, and often unbearable pain
to let the nonnegotiable and excruciating reality sink in that you will never again be in the physical presence of your deceased loved one
to review your relationship from the beginning and to see the positive and negative aspects of the person and the relationship
to identify and heal your unresolved issues and your regrets
to explore the changes in your family and other relationships
to integrate all the changes into a new sense of yourself and to take on healthy new ways of being in the world without this person
to form a healthy new inner relationship with this person and to find new ways of relating to him or her.

Kennedys book reinforced how it’s important to actively work to integrate and resolve our grief, not to just passively experience our reactions to it. She states that, “Grief carries us until we learn to carry it.” Reading that phrase helped me understand that we do not need to stay victims of grief we can be survivors and even captains of our destiny again if we wish!

Peace & Light,

Stella Wichman

Certified From Heartbreak to Happiness Coach

www.parentsgriefrecovery.com

“Who then can so softly bind up the wound of another as he who has felt the same wound himself?”

Thomas Jefferson

Tags: attitude, Balance, choice, coaching, emotions, grief, Grief Recovery, grieving parents, growth, intuition, knowing, Love, opportunity for growth, parents grief, peace, Purpose, rainbow bridge, spiritual growth, success, Thought, trust yourself, understand 1 Comment »

by Stella

Mysterious Things That Can Happen To Us While Grieving

May 21, 2010 in Acceptance, Balance, Compassion, Grief, Healing, Intuition, Knowledge, Love, Perception, Purpose, Rainbow Bridge Coaching and Healing, Spiritual Connection, Thought, Understanding, Wisdom

In the parents grief support group I attended after I lost my son there was often talk of strange occurrences that seemed to happen to not all but many of the parents . By strange occurrences I mean things out of the normal range that are unexplainable and that seem to follow or surround the death of their children. The interesting thing about the discussions is that not one of the parents was spooked by the occurrences nor thought they were evil, witchy, satanic, or otherwise came from or led to anything bad. In fact most parents seemed heartened by them feeling their child was connecting to them in some way as if they were trying to reassure them that they were OK.

There is one couple that I met who see butterflies in the strangest places and at the strangest times. In fact they have finally built a butterfly flower garden in their backyard so they can sit there to enjoy it and through those butterflies feel close to the daughter they lost.

Another set of parents I know have had experiences with lights, especially a certain lamp in their home going on by itself. This started soon after they lost their son. They feel it is a way for him to connect to them from the new realm he is in. A way to say hello! I am here and okay! It gives them great peace of mind and reassurance that he is okay where he is and is still watching over them.

Many other parents claim to see what is called an orb of light. I round bright ball of light that is sometimes seen around someone before, during or after death. We have pictures taken several months before my son died where there is an orb seen in the picture by him. I was told by a number of parents in my support group they too had looked back at pictures taken of their child who had died and noticed these strange round lights near them.

Many of us experience some kind of unusual occurrence when we are grieving. Often we are embarrassed to talk about these curious events. We wonder if others around us may think us crazy. We are most certainly not though. Many normal average people experience these sorts of things upon losing someone.

For example my son’s greatest trouble with being employed once he was old enough to be, was his loss of freedom. He told me once before he died that he valued his freedom more than he did money. He would rather be poorer and be free to spend his time doing what he wanted with his friends and family than have money to buy an expensive car, etc and lose his freedom by being tied to a job and the material things most people are. Of course as his mom and the voice of logic I explained how you must get a good education and job so you have good insurance and pay for all that may come your way so life is easier for you and your own family should you have one. We had this argument through his three years in college and he frustrated me as he worked hard at school but not also at a job after school. He choose instead to live meagerl,y to keep his prioritized freedom as opposed to working more and having more money for things. Looking back I am glad he choose what he did. Had I known he was going to be murdered I would of chosen the same for him so he could enjoy the time he had with friends and family doing the things he enjoyed to do. Did he know or sense something about his life being short?

As a high school senior he was not happy like I thought he would be about graduating when we talked about it. I remember him telling me he wished he could do another year in high school as he liked things as they were and knew his freedom would lesson upon going into college and beyond. Again looking back did he sense something I wonder about what was to come? He flat out told me several times in his life he did not think he was going to grow old. Just a feeling he said. Other parents who have lost children have told me similar stories about their own kids. Do they sense or have a feeling about their untimely deaths?

The day of his memorial almost two years after he had gone missing and again a week later when we scattered his remains I noticed a golden eagle above me in the sky. In Montana that in itself was not odd. Not only did Josh love the freedom of Eagles but he had an Eagle blanket in his room on his bed. Both of these days every time I looked up outside this golden eagle was overhead. I counted 5 different stops the first day when that eagle was over me and a week later while we were out of town scattering his ashes there was that darn eagle again. When we returned home a second time that day I saw a golden eagle overhead and again later that day 3 more times before the day was over. Ten times in all, five times each day! By the third or fourth time I was saying “Hi Josh, I see you, thanks for being so close to us, it helps since this is so terribly hard to do!” or later when I looked up “Hi Josh, love you too much, too!” Inexplicably I felt each time that it was too often to be coincidence or my wishful thinking. I felt as if I was being touched by either my son Josh, God or both when I needed it most.

There are many who have tried to find explanations for this kind of thing. In science they call it the -Laws of Seriality and Object-Impact Interactions. In physics-Implicate Order and Morphogenic Fields. Many have written about -Synchronicity and those in theology tell of -Grace and a Higher Being.

What I have found is that these mysterious events especially in our early grief are not to be understood so much as to notice them and reflect on them. Noticing something unusual does not mean we are crazy. We don’t always need to be able to understand something to be comforted by it or be surprised by it. My belief is that these occurrences are meant to be respite from dealing daily with loss. Often they stay with us for a long time if not forever. They are gifts sent to us, moments to be honored. Times when we realize that some things are a mystery and that there may be a presence we cannot explain. As for me I have now come face to face with the fact that I can be affected by something even when I do not understand it and it can give me immense and lasting comfort.

Peace & Light,

Stella Wichman

Certified From Heartbreak to Happiness Coach

www.parentsgriefrecovery.com

“Who then can so softly bind up the wound of another as he who has felt the same wound himself?”

Thomas Jefferson

Tags: attitude, coaching, decision-making, emotions, grief, Grief Recovery, grieving parents, growth, intuition, knowing, Love, opportunity for growth, parents grief, peace, Purpose, rainbow bridge, spirit, spiritual growth, spirituality, Thought, truth, understand 2 Comments »

by Stella

WHAT DOES GRIEF RECOVERY MEAN?

March 26, 2010 in Acceptance, Balance, Compassion, Grief, Grounding, Healing, Knowledge, Love, Motivation, Purpose, Rainbow Bridge Coaching and Healing, Relationships, Spiritual Connection, success, Thought, Understanding, Wisdom

In January I touched upon the subject of recovery after the death of a child. When I say recovery I do not mean a neatly complete type of closure but rather a regaining of the ability to function at a previous level, an integration of one’s loss and a successful resolution of the situation. In some ways, though, we can never recover totally, because we will never be exactly the way we were before. The loss of a child, changes us in many ways. What we can recover are our attributes and our capabilities, even though other aspects of us are different. We now have a slightly different self, due to the changes in us and our world as a consequence of our Child’s death.

THE RECOVERY GOAL

Our goal in grief recovery should be to learn to live with our loss and to adjust to our new “Normal”. This is arrived at by making many adjustments; I call them course corrections due to our new identity, our new relationship with the child we lost and readjusting to our new life without our child. This happens at the uniquely right time for each one of us and happens by reinvesting ourselves in new people, things, goals, pursuits etc. This is not the same thing as wanting or choosing the loss it just means you no longer have to fight it. You accept it in the way of learning to live with it as a fact of our life.

Recovery is when we can combine the past with the new present. Not that we will ever forget but we will not always agonize over our loss as much or as hard. Just like a physical operation which leaves a scar, our recovery from grief will also leave a psychic scar. And although we will be able to live our life there will be days again just like having a physical scar that it will throb or ache. It will remind us of what we have been through and that we will have to deal with it until it passes.

WHAT RECOVERY DOES NOT MEAN

Recovery does not mean forgetting our child or the way things were. It is not the end of our relationship with that child. It most certainly does not mean the end of our pain and that we are always happy again. We choose what recovery isn’t! Recovery will not mean that we do not experience bursts of grief as we live our life coming from familiar smells, sights, sounds, places, occasions and reminders of our child. It does not mean that we won’t wish for our child to be present for certain events in our life nor that our child was present to experience many of the things in life like graduation, marriage, children etc. that we imagined they would be experiencing. And it certainly does not mean we will not wonder what they might look like at a certain age or wish they were able to share in our joys or be proud of us even.

Recovery does not mean the end of grieving; it means we have painfully but successfully integrated the loss of our child so as not to interfere with our ongoing healthy functioning new life as we now know it. We will never stop grieving entirely. The following passage discussing widows is written by psychiatrist Gerald Caplan. It can be applied to bereaved parents as well.

We now realize that most [bereaved persons] continue the psychological work of mourning for their loved ones for the rest of their lives. During the turmoil and struggles of the first one to three years, most [bereaved persons] generally learn how to circumscribe and segregate this mourning within their mental economy and how to continue living despite its burden. After this time they are no longer actively mourning, but their loss remains a part of them and now and again they are caught up in a resurgence of feelings of grief. This happens with decreasing frequency as time goes on, but never ceases entirely. (Caplan 1974, viii).

The goal for a bereaved parent in Grief Recovery should be to come to terms with their grief and to have healthy productive lives in spite of the loss of their child rather than expecting a complete and permanent end to their grief.

WHAT RECOVERY MEANS

Grief changes you. It redefines roles, relationships and skills. Again like a physical scar the psychic scar we now have can give us character or vulnerability. But it is up to us how we will respond. We did not have a choice in losing our child but for the rest of our life we can choose how to respond to the scar after we have worked through the early on acute period of grief which affects all areas of our life. It is up to us whether or not after that we want to make the most out of our lives or stay bitter, whether we choose to integrate the loss into our lives so we grow or stay stuck in our grief like tires in the sand unable to move forward. Eventually we may be able to see how our loss can also be a gift from our child to use in incredible ways that would have otherwise never had happened if not for our loss. Or we can carry with us the sense that the world owes us now. It is our choice.

There are an incredible number of parents who have shown the positive things that can be done after losing a child. This is not the same thing as choosing to lose your child but choosing to recover from it and make something positive from a negative situation. I do not mean this to sound unrealistically positive or sappy as in denying our pain and the price we pay for losing our child. Instead I mean that even though we have lost our child we can decide that it will have some positive meaning for the rest of our own life.

The numbers of positive varied responses I have been privileged to see or hear about are amazing. As in the song “To Live Like You Were Dying” being touched by the death of our child opens our eyes to new possibilities and experiences and priorities that we may not have seen before or choose to overlook in the past. An example would be spending more time with the loved ones we still have. Not putting off saying things or doing things with them as we now know how precious, brief and fragile life can be but living each day more fully and meaningfully because of the death.

Many grieving parents find themselves more compassionate and caring towards others as they have developed a new sensitivity due to their loss. They have found a new or enhanced ability to pick up on and discuss sensitive emotional issues with others. Parents I have talked to often note increased religiousness and spirituality as well as heightened levels of consciousness. Like a dying individual the experience of losing a child has opened many parents up to taking time to enjoy the simple things in life that they once were in too big of a hurry to even notice. Many turn to the arts creating music, art, literature etc. from their pain.
Many decide to take their pain and rage and funnel it into helping others which in turn helps them as well. They start or assist in support groups for bereaved parents to help other grieving parents such as Compassionate Friends for example. Many bereaved parents strive to get political changes made through groups like Parents of Murdered Children to ensure no others suffer the same bereavement.

Successfully enduring the pain and suffering of grief allows us to find a deeper sense of self-worth, understanding of ourselves, life and of others. We are more passionate, compassionate and stronger than we were because we faced and got through our adversity. The death of our child has been one of our greatest lessons!

Many parents find some things are sweeter so to speak than ever before. Our relationships take on new dimensions as we have survived the worst. We want to get on with the business of living focusing on our newly found priorities. We are more assertive and set more limits than we may have before as we don’t wish to waste time on the people and things we put up with in the past.

Many parents find their own way to recovery and others like me rather than take the amount of time it takes to figure it out ourselves choose to use a Grief Recovery Coach. Some parents choose the opposite of the responses above and can become hardened, angry, and bitter and stuck in their grief. This is their choice too. You can not change others just your response to others. This goes here too! You did not have a choice in your child’s death but you do have a choice in your response to the death once the initial shock has worn off. Recognize you can make a choice. Take responsibility for the choice you make and do not think that if you chose something positive and constructive with the loss you have somehow betrayed your child or have stopped loving them. On the contrary many parents see it as a way of honoring their child! A way to continue their relationship with that child and to love them despite death!

Peace & Light,

Stella Wichman

Certified From Heartbreak to Happiness Coach

www.parentsgriefrecovery.com

“Who then can so softly bind up the wound of another as he who has felt the same wound himself?”

Thomas Jefferson

Tags: attitude, Balance, coaching, decision-making, emotions, goals, gratitude, grief, Grief Recovery, grieving parents, growth, intuition, knowing, Love, opportunity for growth, parents grief, passion, peace, Purpose, rainbow bridge, reflection, relationships, spirit, spiritual growth, spirituality, success, Thought, trust yourself, truth, understand, vision No Comments »

by Stella

GRIEFS AFFECT ON THE SPIRIT

March 5, 2010 in Acceptance, Balance, Compassion, Grief, Healing, Knowledge, Love, Motivation, Rainbow Bridge Coaching and Healing, Spiritual Connection, Thought, Uncategorized, Understanding, Wisdom

Embrace Your Spirituality

If faith is part of your life, express it in ways that seem appropriate to you. Allow yourself to be around people who understand and support your religious beliefs. If you are angry at God because of the death of your child, realize this feeling is a normal part of your grief work. Find someone to talk with who won’t be critical of whatever thoughts and feelings you need to explore.

You may hear someone say, “With faith, you don’t need to grieve”. Don’t believe it. Having your personal faith does not insulate you from needing to talk out and explore your thoughts and feelings. To deny your grief is to invite problems that build up inside you. Express your faith, but express your grief as well.

Believe in both Mastering Nature and Extraordinary Spiritual Acceptance.

How?

Losing a child erodes away at our sense of mastery and takes away our belief that the world is fair, orderly and manageable. If we are going to learn to cope with uncertainty we must realize there are many different views in the world. Even in more normal situations.

In 1989 William Buckley brought up the troubling problem of overpopulation to Mother Theresa in a July 13^th PBS interview together. She answered him with “It’s in Gods hands.” Buckley smiled and asked “are you sure?” Buckley is typically trying to master nature here while Mother Theresa shows us an extraordinary spiritual acceptance. Both are important in learning to live with the loss of our child.

In order to turn the corner and cope with our loss we must get over our need for mastery. This is the paradox, to regain a sense of mastery over something which makes no sense, losing a child. To do this we need to give up trying to find the perfect answer.

Examples of this:

As much as none of us wants to, eventual acceptance of the situation or coming to terms with “It is what it is” as Buddha once said is difficult but a necessary step in coming to grips with our loss. We find that fighting with our reality does not bring our child back nor does it bring us satisfying peace. It merely spends our energy and time and although most parents will experience this struggle with reality initially eventually it serves no healthy purpose to continuously hold on this way forever.
Realize the confusion we feel is due to the ambiguity of the situation (your child is not here any longer physically and yet is still here in your mind and heart). When we realize the origin of our helplessness we are able to start the coping process.

3. Merge 2 opposing ideas (of here yet not here) keeping your child both absent and present.

How does one do this?

Talk!
Mourn what is lost, celebrate what remains!
Hire a Grief Recovery Coach to guide and support you.

Those that only master nature as William Buckley did experience the most anxiety and depression. Coping with life is much easier if you can combine spirituality and mastery. Although undeniably stressful losing a child is made less stressful when it’s attributed to “it is what it is” and however unfair it was not personal (life did not single you out for a reason) and it is not due to you being a failure.

Avoid feelings of helplessness-change what you can, accept what you can’t!

Peace & Light,

Stella Wichman

Certified From Heartbreak to Happiness Coach

www.parentsgriefrecovery.com

“Who then can so softly bind up the wound of another as he who has felt the same wound himself?”

Thomas Jefferson

Tags: attitude, Balance, coaching, emotions, grief, Grief Recovery, grieving parents, growth, intuition, knowing, Love, opportunity for growth, parents grief, peace, Purpose, spirit, spiritual growth, spirituality, Thought, trust yourself, understand No Comments »

by Stella

Whose Business Are You In?

February 4, 2010 in Acceptance, Balance, Grief, Grounding, Healing, Knowledge, Love, Perception, Physical Health, Purpose, Rainbow Bridge Coaching and Healing, Thought, Uncategorized, Understanding, Wisdom

ME 1 SEATTLE When I was training with The Grief Coach Academy of California I had the good fortune to study Byron Katie’s work! She is an author and speaker and created what she refers to as “The Work”. This is also known as Inquiry Based Stressed Reduction (IBSR) which is a way to identify and question all thoughts that cause suffering, stress, reactivity and self-limitation. Another valuable inquiry based tool I took away from studying her techniques and reading her books, is asking “Whose Business Are You In?”

She says there are only three kinds of business in the world: my business, your business, and God’s business (the God of your understanding). Simply put if we are in someone else’s business then who’s left in ours? No one! This then leads us to feelings of loneliness, separation and frustration.

Paying attention to whose business you’re in – and then making the choice to return to your own business is a simple and powerful way I and countless others have found to get back calm and peace in your life.

So ask yourself:

Whose business is it that I am grieving the loss of my child?

Answer: My own business.

Whose business is it that you are worried because I am grieving?

Answer: Your business.

Whose business is it that so many children die?

Answer: God’s business.

Grieving parents are often in someone else’s business. Sometimes we even find ourselves in our dead child’s business wondering things such as:

What was my child going through when he died? Did it hurt?, Was he suffering?, Was he thinking of me?, Did he understand what was happening?, Is he happy now?, Is he pain free now?

Although these are all natural things to think about for a bit, if you find yourself stuck on or dwelling on these thoughts ask yourself if you are in your own business or your child’s business. Remind yourself that if the answer is, I am in someone else’s, than gently steer yourself back to your own business.

Try using this simple tool on other thoughts that are causing you stress or grief such as:

Whose business is it if your child is getting failing grades in college?

Whose business is it if you are paying for the college tuition?

Whose business is it if my child smokes?

Whose business is it if he is buying cigarettes with the spending money I give him?

Whose business is your height?

Rush hour traffic?

War in the world?

My mother’s depression?

My boss’s pessimism?

Pay attention to whose business you’re in and then choose to return to your own business. That’s where your point of peace and power is

Peace & Light,

Stella Wichman

Certified From Heartbreak to Happiness Coach

www.parentsgriefrecovery.com

“Who then can so softly bind up the wound of another as he who has felt the same wound himself?”

Tags: attitude, Balance, Byron Katie, coaching, grief, Grief Recovery, grieving parents, growth, knowing, Love, opportunity for growth, parents grief, peace, Purpose, rainbow bridge, reflection, spiritual growth, understand, vision No Comments »

by Stella

How Do You Fix What’s Broken When Everyone Is Just Ignoring All The Pieces On The Floor?

January 29, 2010 in Acceptance, Career Coaching, Compassion, Grief, Healing, Love, Motivation, Purpose, Rainbow Bridge Coaching and Healing, success, Uncategorized, Understanding, Wisdom

ME 1 SEATTLE What a great question! A wonderful young man asked this lately and it brought to mind the problem many of us have that have lost a child. Not only is everyone else ignoring the mess on the floor but we as grieving parents often are too. It’s too hard. The mess is all we have left of them. We feel it is our last connection with them and are reluctant to even touch it. Not to mention most of us don’t know the first thing about fixing it. We are thinking if we ignore it, it might just all go away. Hoping against all hope it will just all go away, too tired and too much in shock to deal with it.

What I and many others have found is years down the road when not dealt with and often when we least expect it, we will trip over those very same pieces on the floor that we left so many years ago. We find the mess did not go away and also that others could not clean up the mess for us. No one else can do the work it takes for each of us to deal with our own broken heart in our own way and in our own time. After all it was our heart and our lives that were completely shattered and left on the floor.

Feeling and working through the emotions of grief can be compared to Physical Therapy for someone who has had major surgery or been severely injured. Although agonizing it is how we heal and how we go on. Many of us have been taught the 5 Stages of Grief that Elizabeth Kubler-Ross wrote and published in the landmark book “On Death and Dying” They are:

1) Denial

2) Anger

3) Bargaining

4) Depression

5) Acceptance

Although helpful to many of us, her studies were based on her findings of people who were facing Terminal Illness. The Stages of Grief experienced by a person dealing with the death of a child are not entirely the same.

The 7 Stages of Grief that better fits grieving parents and found in a popular model often used in coaching are:

1) Shock & Denial

2) Pain & Guilt

3) Anger & Bargaining

4) Depression, Reflection, Loneliness

5) The Upward Turn

6) Reconstruction & Working Through

7) Acceptance & Hope

Using these 7 stages of Grief that one goes through, combined with the 5 Stages of Healing Grief listed below helps parents move forward when they have done enough of their grieving and are ready to move out of where they are. The 5 Stages of Healing Grief is as follows:

1) Get Support

2) Express You’re Feelings

3) Accept What Has Happened

4) Forgive Everyone Everything, Including Yourself

5) Help Others

Can one heal from grief on their own? Certainly, but if a parent finds themselves tired of trial and error and the length of time it seems to be taking or what they are doing isn’t working for them then it may be time to consider a Grief Recovery Coach.

I remember for myself this happened when I was tired of grieving and was tired of still being stuck where I had been for quite some time. I was ready to be happy again and ready to have my life back again! Not knowing where to start and feeling like my tires were spinning in the sand what I wanted was someone that could place a board under my tires so I could get unstuck! That’s when I luckily came across and hired a Grief Recovery Coach.

I had been going to a Therapist for some time and although it was helpful to talk I felt it was not enough. I wanted and needed someone who specialized in Grief Recovery. In searching for help online I stumbled upon a Grief Recovery Coach out of state who fortunately coached over the phone as I found there were no coaches in my area with that specialty.

She not only helped me find my direction but helped me to see the importance of “owning” my situation so I could stop feeling like a victim. She gave me someone to be accountable to, “my coach” and something to be accountable for “my own healing”. Finally she helped me find and face the broken pieces on the floor, those of my heart and of my life that were left after my son went missing and was found murdered.

As I picked up the broken pieces off the floor we worked through each one and in doing this ultimately I found my own point of power and with that I finally was able to turn things around for myself. For me my point of power was in knowing I could help others if I could find the strength and the courage to face my pain and move through it. I would have otherwise never have traveled down this path and found this level of healing, this level of understanding and this level of compassion.

As Alan Cohen says, “The thing about which you think, “Without this I would be lost,” may be the very thing that without this you would be found!”

Peace & Light,

Stella Wichman

Certified From Heartbreak to Happiness Coach

www.parentsgriefrecovery.com

“Who then can so softly bind up the wound of another as he who has felt the same wound himself?”

Thomas Jefferson

Tags: attitude, Balance, choice, coaching, decision-making, emotions, gratitude, grief, Grief Recovery, grieving parents, growth, knowing, Love, opportunity for growth, parents grief, passion, peace, Purpose, rainbow bridge, reflection, spiritual growth, spirituality, success, Thought, trust yourself, understand 1 Comment »

by Stella

What Should You Say To A Grieving Parent?

January 15, 2010 in Acceptance, Communication, Compassion, Fearless, Grief, Healing, Intuition, Knowledge, Love, Motivation, Perception, Purpose, Rainbow Bridge Coaching and Healing, Relationships, Spiritual Connection, Thought, Understanding, Wisdom

ME 1 SEATTLE This question comes up all the time? People who have never lost a child just do not know what it is like. They often want to know what to say to help or what to say to ease their discomfort when encountering a grieving parent.

As a parent who has lost a child and as a Grief Recovery Coach I know that what is said especially early on after the loss can make a difference in how hard and how long the parent’s grief journey is. As both the parent of a missing child and as the grieving parent of a child who has died I encountered many awful and many wonderful things said to me. Most of the time when someone made a remark or an ignorant platitude I realized they just did not understand, other times when caught off guard I was hurt and often angered. Sometimes I recognized that it was I who was not receptive, especially in my early grief to many comments said to me.

But I am of the belief that people as a whole are good and mean well and just need to be enlightened a little so below are some good examples of the worst and the best things to say to someone who is heartbroken.

Things not to say:

It will just take time, soon you’ll be over it, I know how you feel, It’s God’s will, you’re young you can have more, keep busy and you won’t have time to dwell on this, be grateful you had him for this many years.

Things to say:

My heart hurts for you. I am here for you. I can’t imagine how you feel? Your world must be upside down? I don’t know what to say, what happened? Grief is a normal and natural reaction to loss, so what can I do to help? What was your son or daughter like? Tell me something about your child.

One more thing to know when talking with a grieving parent is that we do not want to be fixed; it is our heart that has been broken not our head. We need to own our grief at first as that is our connection still with our child whom we have lost. We need the chance to feel our way through our grieving stages to heal at our own pace. So please do not feel the need to hurry us along, instead acknowledge our loss, don’t ignore it or minimize the elephant in the room so to speak. Know we need support while we are healing whether it is listening, help with tasks, time off from a job etc. Realize that at times we need nothing at all said, that what we need most is someone to hold us tight when we need it and ask for it!

Peace & Light,

Stella Wichman

Certified From Heartbreak to Happiness Coach

www.parentsgriefrecovery.com

“Who then can so softly bind up the wound of another as he who has felt the same wound himself?”

Thomas Jefferson

Tags: choice, coaching, Communication, decision-making, emotions, gratitude, grief, Grief Recovery, grieving parents, growth, intuition, knowing, Love, opportunity for growth, parents grief, peace, Purpose, rainbow bridge, relationships, spiritual growth, spirituality, Thought, truth, understand No Comments »

by Stella

The Secrets of a Grief Recovery Coach

January 12, 2010 in Acceptance, Grief, Healing, Rainbow Bridge Coaching and Healing, Spiritual Connection, Thought, Understanding, Wisdom

ME 1 SEATTLE Losing a child is one of the hardest life altering transitions to move through. As I experienced it I was not only stunned and immensely sad due to the loss of my son but frustrated and angry because I found there was very little help of any sort. What I wanted was a guide. A book or a class or a person who had gone through what I had and could offer advice and direction and hope! For two and a half years I searched for help and all I found was one book that dealt with the type of Ambiguous loss a parent with a missing child goes through. There were also a couple of therapists who were helpful to talk to but not knowing firsthand what it is like ,they too were limited.

I was baffled by the idea that there were all kinds of grieving parents like myself in the news. Every day, I read of losses, from suicides to accidents, illnesses and murder, yet there was very little help available to any of us. I couldn’t believe there was no one who had been through this and was now offering help. Although there was some support from support groups and websites, and that was great, eventually it was not enough. I wanted a concrete plan that specifically took grieving parents through the pain and then back out. I wanted a plan that would help me find purpose, direction, hope and happiness in my life again!

And that was my turning point. That is when I decided that if I could figure out a way to survive this I could take what I had learned and offer it so that other grieving parents would not have to go it alone. I could offer the recipe for moving through the heartbreak of child loss quicker and easier instead of grieving parents having to try and bake the cake without the benefit of a recipe.

So I researched in books, talked to people and while online happened upon a grief recovery coach. She helped me find my direction again and made me accountable so that I not only initiated the changes I needed to be happy again, but did the work to get there as well! After a few months, my friends and family, along with myself, noticed a remarkable change for the better in me and asked what I was doing. By this time I had already checked into a school online that trained people specifically as certified grief coaches. I asked my friends and family what they thought about me training to become a grief recovery coach and they all thought I was a perfect match for the job. After an intense year of studying, training and logging many student coaching hours I became certified grief recovery coach!

Now… you may wonder what exactly a grief recovery coach does. Well… a grief recovery coach shows you how to move from where you are (grief stricken) to where you want to be (happy again). They have you use strategies through action to arrive at specific goals and help you with accountability and follow through. A grief recovery coach will help you focus on the future and move forward.

I was taught coaching is not to flat line and eradicate but to help to see pain as a wake up call and that it rings for a reason which can be addressed and released. That pain is a great motivator, and we should use that! If you can’t feel it you can’t heal it!

I found that what we need as grieving parents often is a helicopter perspective. Whereas at ground level a person may not be able to move forward, a coach beckons you, straps you in and lifts you up to see things from an entirely new perspective. This is how a coach accomplishes this:

A coach:

Brings you to the present moment as upset feelings are rooted in our thoughts about the past or future. The present moment is our point of power and peace.
Encourages you to express your feelings. -many parents need someone to talk to for clarity (to realize the life altering change that has happened to them) as well as for comfort. You don’t have to be kind or spiritual! Tell the truth and release it! It is only your truth for that moment anyway. Unexpressed feelings are like food poisoning! One throws up and feels better again while the other stuffs it and suffers longer.
Helps you to accept the situation—whether you want to or not is beside the point. As the Buddhist saying goes “It is what it is”! Thoughts that you have been victimized repel happiness. When you truly and deeply can accept the situation as if you had chosen it you release all victim energy! This is not the same as condoning what has happened you just learn to let it go and not let it negatively affect your life any longer.
Assists you in seeing the contrary-On one level your child’s death is the worse thing to happen to you on another it could it be received as a gift? Although difficult to see at first later I could see how my son gave me several priceless gifts. The first was the experience of having my heart broken and opened wider. It has profoundly changed me in ways that I appreciate and has made me who I am today! The second gift is that his death has sent my life in a direction that is so very meaningful and fulfilling. I have dedicated my life to helping others get through heartbreak and loss as quickly and easily as possible. Finding gifts in the most unlikely situations evaporates negative feelings. What is left is gratitude.
Focuses you on enthusiasm-What are you enthusiastic about? What would you like to create? A coach encourages them to follow through with homework and to focus on something they feel passionate about!

For most, the process of healing takes a very long time. At no fault to oneself, healing can take a long time because most generally we have not been taught how to positively deal with the emotions that seem to engulf us after a tragedy. Thus, as a coach, we use these key points to streamline the process in hopes that, just as I have done, you too can find purpose, direction, hope and happiness in life again!

Peace & Light,

Stella Wichman

Certified From Heartbreak to Happiness Coach

www.parentsgriefrecovery.com

“Who then can so softly bind up the wound of another as he who has felt the same wound himself?”

Thomas Jefferson

Tags: attitude, Balance, choice, coaching, decision-making, emotions, gratitude, grief, Grief Recovery, grieving parents, growth, opportunity for growth, parents grief, passion, peace, Purpose, rainbow bridge, reflection, spiritual growth, spirituality, Thought, understand 2 Comments »

by Stella

Gratitude

November 29, 2009 in Acceptance, Healing, Rainbow Bridge Coaching and Healing, Thought, Understanding, Wisdom

ME 1 SEATTLE Gratitude is a funny thing, it’s so easy to feel grateful when your plate is full and everything feels abundant in your life. The trick is in realizing a greater need for finding the spirit of Thanksgiving when your plate seems empty and there is a great emptiness in your life. Pulling gratitude out of nothing but a pea on your plate is tough! When you are a grieving parent it seems near impossible.

The “how” is the hard part I found. Until a Rabbi came into my life through a World Religion Class (I wanted to learn how the world understands and deals with death to better help myself) which led me to signing up for his Meditation Class(to learn how to relax from the stress of losing my son)….he ended up teaching me something much more important!

How to live for the moment and in the moment! How to live in the present and be thankfully aware of all the little things we overlook in our day! He taught me how to be aware of the simple pleasures like:

How to appreciate in the washing of dishes the warmth or the water that many in the world do not have, and the wonderful aroma of the apple scented dish detergent I use and the squeaky clean feeling of the clean dishes that many in this country take for granted.

The total awareness and pleasure of eating an orange…it’s deep orange color, the bumpy, dimpled texture of the peel, the strong citric smell of the peel when cutting into it and the tangy, sweet, juicy burst of juice on your tongue.

The simple everyday pleasures, the ones we take for granted, the ones we overlook, the ones we had to do without would make life so much drearier.

The gift of simple gratitudes I received as a gift from a Rabbi (Teacher in Hebrew). In my search for answers after the loss of my son I have found a deeper compassion, a deeper wisdom and the understanding that life’s hardest lessons are our greatest teachers if we can see through the tears and accept and learn from those gifts that have been offered to us!

Peace & Light,

Stella Wichman

Certified From Heartbreak to Happiness Coach

www.parentsgriefrecovery.com

“Who then can so softly bind up the wound of another as he who has felt the same wound himself?”

Thomas Jefferson

Tags: attitude, Balance, choice, emotions, gratitude, grief, Grief Recovery, grieving parents, growth, knowing, opportunity for growth, parents grief, peace, Purpose, rainbow bridge, spiritual growth No Comments »

by Toningtheom

Forgiving – Radically; Peacefully

November 9, 2009 in Acceptance

In one of my meditations this year I wrote the following:“How is not forgiving showing up in your body, your mind, and your relationships? Forgiveness is a means whereby ALL experiences and relationships happen FOR us. Forgiveness is the freedom of peace and the peace of freedom.”

Earlier this year I read Colin C. Tipping’s book, Radical Forgiveness – Making Room for the Miracle, and experienced a ‘radical’ way of looking at forgiveness. I contemplated the concept that everything happens FOR me and not TO me. I began to stop playing small, playing the victim, and began appreciating people for what they could teach me. As I became more open and available to life’s lessons, I was able to see relationship patterns and how I was responsible for all of them. Suddenly, I experienced an inner peace like never before. I was showing up in relationships with family and friends in peaceful ways. More of my relationships began to expand.

I began to deeply listen to shamanic and coaching clients I was working with and their struggle to forgive themselves and others in their life. Clients expressed how they were clinging on for dear life for an apology or to their anger over a situation. With this in mind, I asked how willing they were to look at forgiveness in a new and radical way. I invited clients to imagine all the energy it was taking to hold on tightly to the anger and hurt and instead imagine this space being used to create more joy, more peace, and more love. Upon reflection I have come to discover that forgiveness is a journey, a process, and a resting – of getting to a place within and just resting. As part of this journey, I have read some profound thoughts on forgiveness from many teachers. These quotes have helped me make room for more love and I am hoping they might do the same for you.

“Forgiveness does not mean that we suppress anger; forgiveness means that we have asked for a miracle: the ability to see through mistakes that someone has made to the truth that lies in all of our hearts. Forgiveness is not always easy. At times, it feels more painful than the wound we suffered, to forgive the one that inflicted it. And yet, there is no peace without forgiveness. Attack thoughts towards others are attack thoughts towards ourselves. The first step in forgiveness is the willingness to forgive.” Marianne Williamson

“Forgiveness is not an occasional act. It is a permanent attitude.” Martin Luther King

“I could see peace instead of this.” A Course in Miracles

“Forgiveness is realizing that what you thought happened, didn’t” Byron Katie

Are you open to making space for more love, more peace, and more freedom? As Mother Theresa says, “If you judge people, you have no time to love them.”

If you are open to making yourself available to a radical way of looking at forgiveness, join me for an upcoming 4-week telecourse, “Resting in Radical Forgiveness”, starting Wednesday, November 18, 2009. For information & to register: http://toningtheom.com/upcoming-events/#resting

“Forgiveness is the freedom of peace and the peace of freedom.” Peace, Mary Anne

Tags: Byron Katie, Colin C. Tipping, Make room for the miracle, Marianne Williamson, Open, peace, Radical Forgiveness No Comments »