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by Georgia Feiste

Book Review: Beyond Reason

December 14, 2010 in Grief, Healing, Love

Wow!  You will find emotion, thought-provoking ideas, and many tender stories packed into a short 110 page book that will take you just a couple of hours to read.  Beyond Reason is a book about the loss of a gifted child, and his father’s search for light and meaning over the next fifteen years. 

As a physician, Gregg Korbon approached many things in life from a scientific viewpoint.  His life was harried, and without depth in terms of human emotions and connection.  Dr. Korbon was immersed in academics and spent his professional time buried in facts and scientific proof.  He spent much of his home life dealing with two children who did not come in to this world in the best of health.  After the death of his son, Brian, Dr. Korbon began to open himself to the embracing warmth of love and the magic of the universe.  Reaction to Brian’s death took his father down many paths, from metaphysics to psychic phenomenon, learning about the waves of energy flowing around and through us as we dance our life’s story.   

Two concepts really stuck out for me as I read of Gregg’s experiences over the years as he sought to relieve his pain from the loss of his child.  First, his thoughts and ideas around the process of letting go are profound and far-reaching.  He concentrated on letting go of fear – the fear of getting close to people, the fear of activities unknown to us, and the fear of dying.  I was struck by what I was reading, and the synchronicity of messages, as I had just completed giving a class in which I had shared Deepak Chopra’s Principles for Spiritual Optimism.    His third principle is that “you belong in the scheme of the Universe.  There is nothing to be afraid of.  You are safe.  Fear cannot be trusted.”  The tenth and final principle is letting go – the path to freedom.  I have been experimenting with this concept in my own life recently – letting go of the fear, knocking down walls, being who I really am.  It has been surprisingly liberating and has drawn people in to my life I might never have met before, and deepened relationships that go back forty years and more. 

The second concept that held deep meaning for me calls on us to believe in magic and re-learn what we have forgotten as we trained to become adults in a weary and cynical world.  We won’t re-learn this magic through the teaching of other adults as much as we will by allowing the children in our lives to teach us.  They are in tune with the Universe, and speak of it’s miracles through their actions, their words, and their wonder.  If we only sit down and really listen to them, we will remember.  Deepak Chopra’s first principle of Spiritual Optimism says that the “healthiest response to life is laughter.  It is an antidote for fear and sorrow.”  Remember the laughter of your small children as they danced and played through their days?  They are full of imagination and have the answers to our problems.  We steal that from them by subjecting them to hours and hours of television rather than reading to them, doing crafts with them, and talking to them about magic and miracles.  The next time I am spending time with my grandchildren, it is my intention to really pay attention to our conversations – knowing that I have much to re-learn about the joy and power of the Universe.

Georgia Feiste, President of Collaborative Transitions Coaching, Inc., located in Lincoln, NE, is a personal growth and leadership coach, writer, and workshop facilitator.  She is also a Usui Reiki Master and EFT practitioner.  Her passion is success grounded in purpose and passion, standards of integrity and priorities in life.  You can also find Georgia on her website, Collaborative Transitions, Twitter, LinkedIn and Facebook.   Georgia may also be reached at (402) 304-1902 if you wish to schedule a 30 minute complementary consultation.

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by Stella

Going With The Flow

August 29, 2010 in Acceptance, Compassion, Grief, Healing, Uncategorized

One of the things I came to realize after losing my 20 year old son was that so much of our energies are used up and so much of our small joys are missed because we resist what is.  Our child has been unfairly and unjustly taken away  from us and in the blink of an eye our life has changed forever and we do not want that to be.   So we resist with our hearts, our minds, all of our being and find it uses up the majority of our life’s focus and energy and to what avail it changes nothing except our moments of joy, which go now unnoticed and our life-force which is mostly drained and leaves us feeling as if we are on autopilot.   A mere shell of who we were.  I read once that we as parents soon after the loss of our child operate at 85% less of our previous abilities.  I would believe it! 

What I later learned though is we have a choice in how we will respond to our loss.  Going with the flow means not resisting the direction the flow is taking you whether you are there by choice or not.  It does not mean we choose it nor that we like it but that we are open to the direction we are being taken and learn to  trust that the powers that be or place life is taking us will be OK.  It is like being small again and having our lives directed by adults who are there for us.  Some of these things work and some don’t work for our individual and unique personalities.  But still we live our young lives, and are happy and prosper.  This is the attitude Buddha may have meant when he said “It is what it is.” Sometimes things truly are just what they are and the answer to how to cope with that is to simply ride it out and believe things will be ok again, different without your child, but there will be joys again, and beauty, and love and all the things that make life wonderful and worthwhile. 

 Peace & Light,

Stella Wichman

Certified From Heartbreak to Happiness Coach
 
www.parentsgriefrecovery.com
 

“Who then can so softly bind up the wound of another as he who has felt the same wound himself?”

Thomas Jefferson

 

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by Stella

Steps To Peace After The Heartbreak Of Child-loss

August 19, 2010 in Career Coaching, Grief, Healing, Uncategorized

Losing my own son and moving through the initial grief to where I was ready to move forward again  I learned that in Grief  coaching there are steps one takes which once they have been completed, move a grieving parent from pain to peace.  Although none of us will certainly ever forget our child and more than likely we will always have grief-bursts from time to time,  we can learn how to better integrate our loss easier and quicker  with the guidance and support of a professional grief recovery coach.   Then we will find we can again move forward in our lives and be happy.

 In the 12 step method I use coaching parents from the pain of child-loss to happiness again, there are two steps that have to do with writing.  One is called the Letter of Apology and Appreciation and is designed to create a mind shift to move you from any negative feelings you have about or surrounding your child’s death to feelings of positivity. 

The other step is a powerful path to peace and is simply called A Relationship Review For Peace.  Understand that when a relationship ends even when it is because your child died it is important to realize a number of things.  First that only the physical aspects of your relationship have come to an end.  Although very difficult to go through it helps to understand that we as parents still and always will have the other two parts of our relationship with our child and that is the spiritual connection and emotional connection we have had since they were born.  Understanding these two other important facets of our continued connection with our children then explains why these two writing steps work so well at helping move us forward towards peace.

 In doing the Relationship Review For Peace letter we learn that it is quite normal when a relationship ends to have your mind go crazy, you find yourself reviewing, analyzing, yearning, condemning, wishing etc. over and over again.  It’s like an empty spot in your mouth where a tooth recently was we just keep digging and digging into the raw spot looking for the tooth and finding how tender the area is!    We as grieving parents find that as we continue reviewing the relationship with our child, instead of moving forward as we wish, instead it’s as if our wheels have become stuck in the sand.  The more we try to drive out the more stuck we seem to get. 

Although it’s normal and natural to review a relationship which has ended with one’s child, we have to know how to do it or we just dig ourselves  in deeper emotionally.  Done properly this step works to bring back freedom, peace and happiness. 

Some of the questions I use with these two writing steps to help a parent powerfully connect with their child after they have died are:

•What experiences have I been through since my loved one’s death?

•What do I miss?

•What do I regret?

•What issues in our relationship remain unresolved?

•What do I appreciate?

•What have I learned about myself, my loved one, and my relationship?

•What do I want to carry on?

Ask yourself the following questions after you have written your letter:

•Was I open and honest?

•Did I express my love and appreciation?

•Did I address unresolved issues in our relationship?

•Do I still feel regrets?

•Are any resentments still bothering me?

•Is anything left unsaid?

•Do I feel forgiveness? Do I feel more understanding?

I invite you to use these steps to  work through your own loss or to share this with someone you know who has experienced the pain of child-loss.    A certified grief recovery coach can more quickly and easily lead you through both these steps, The Letter of Apology and Appreciation and The Relationship Review for Peace along with 10 other steps which have been used by myself as well as countless other grieving parents  to heal the past and open your heart to happiness again.

 Peace & Light,

Stella Wichman

Certified From Heartbreak to Happiness Coach
 
www.parentsgriefrecovery.com
 

“Who then can so softly bind up the wound of another as he who has felt the same wound himself?”

Thomas Jefferson

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by Stella

How Do I Help A Grieving Parent?

August 13, 2010 in Acceptance, Balance, Career Coaching, Communication, Compassion, Fearless, Grief, Healing, Intuition, Knowledge, Love, Purpose, Relationships, Spiritual Connection, success, Thought, Uncategorized, Understanding, Wisdom

 ”What can I do to help someone who has lost a child?  I get asked this quite often and although I have previously written some about it in my other blogs there are some additional things I would like to add.  In my own experience  many of my friends and family were great support, there were others however who either shied away from me as they did not know what to do or were worried they might say the wrong thing.   Some were hit and miss, they were often one time helpful and another not.  The following are some things you can do to better support a grieving parent:

Acknowledge that your friends child has died and the impact this has had on your friend.  Show interest in your friends feelings and worries.  Realize you cannot and do not need to make them feel better.  It is okay and healthy for either or both of you to cry.  Listen when your friend wants to talk and keep it confidential.  Try not to give too much advice because you feel helpless.  Your friend has all the answers and your job is to listen, reflect back and help them to find those answers from within themselves.

Admit you don’t know what to do for your friend.  Let your friend know you feel inadequate to help and do not know what to do and take their direction if you can.  If you feel overwhelmed by the intensity of it let your friend know why you need to take a break from it for awhile.

Learn what it is your grieving friend is experiencing. Read up on grief on the internet, check into books on grieving, talk with others that have dealt with grieving parents.  Understand that your friend may be tired, irritable, edgy, forgetful and have trouble focusing due to anxiety, stress and grief.  Realize that grief takes time and your friend is learning a new normal for him or herself.  You may sometimes see that your friend needs you and other times they may want to be alone.  Sometimes they will want to talk and other times be silent with you.

Help as and when you can- and realize small things help a lot too.  Meals, breads, cookies, errand running, phone calls, offers to take other kids for a bit and cards and notes all help.

Try and take things with a grain of salt.  Many grieving parents have not the energy  to be considerate or nice so try not to take words or actions by them  personally.

Grief changes a person and although some friendships deepen some drift apart.  Try and be open and accepting of change and grieve if you must the loss of the old friendship.

 Peace & Light,

Stella Wichman

Certified From Heartbreak to Happiness Coach
 
www.parentsgriefrecovery.com
 

“Who then can so softly bind up the wound of another as he who has felt the same wound himself?”

 Thomas Jefferson

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by Stella

A Grieving Place

August 5, 2010 in Acceptance, Balance, Career Coaching, Compassion, Grief, Healing, Knowledge, Love, Rainbow Bridge Coaching and Healing, success, Thought, Uncategorized, Understanding, Wisdom

My grieving started when my son of 20 years suddenly went missing.  I found that I needed to figure a way to grieve without it interrupting my day for that’s when I needed to be strong to continue looking for him.  I needed strength then also to coordinate the continual onslaught of information with the many agencies that assisted us as well as be there for my three girls.  My husband and I also needed time together and I continued  working fulltime to pay for our normal bills as well as hire different individuals to search for Josh.  All of this took time and energy something which it seemed I never had enough of. 

  I found that  creating a schedule including a regular time to grieve, as well as a place to grieve which for me was the bathroom was the best way to keep my grief from taking me and my day over.  It was necessary to have a quiet place and to not be interrupted I learned.  Starting out I had a picture of my son in a bathroom basket  along with some pictures of my girls.  Later I added more pictures  and a lock of my sons hair I was given by the coroner much later when his murdered remains were found.  Eventually I ordered an amulet and a small decorative vase with a bit of my sons cremated remains and added those things to my basket.  What one uses is not important nor how much or little and obviously what you change or leave the same is unimportant as well.  What is important is that it means something to you and helps you feel connected to your child and assists you in the grieving you must go through.

At first it happened spontaneously, I found myself getting ready for bed after everyone else had gone to sleep and the day had slowed down enough for me to start thinking about how much I missed my son and wonder what had happened and where he was.  This of course led to the grief, it started usually with tears and then led to spasms of grief much like throwing up but from the bowels of your soul rather than your stomach.  I often needed to scream at the very world itself for allowing this to happen to my wonderful son and me and our family and friends.  Screams of anger, sadness, fear, frustration and my own agony.  I found this was possible and just as effective to my mental and physical health if I used a bath towel to muffle my screams and soak up my tears without my family being affected any more than they were already.  This is not to mean that I never cried in front of them, because I did, both to help facilitate their grieving as well as my own but no one wants anyone watching them while throwing up and this was no different.

 Some parents I have talked to found this scheduled time alone to grieve very frightening.  They mentioned feeling alone and a bit crazy.  But even small periods of time can allow you as I did, to explore the very heart of your grief and pain and find in that dark place, that black hole, a way back  to a source of life from within.  It is from this inner place  that you come upon the resources to move through the passage of grief and ultimately to transform the experience into healing.

 One of the meditations I was taught during this tough time to assist me with the hard work of grief and healing I invite you to try:

Meditational Grieving Exercise

Sit quietly alone in a safe and private place bringing your full attention to your grief. Take a few minutes to reflect on your child who is dying or has died, acknowledging this loss. Feel where the grief is residing in your body right now. Note how it surfaces in your thoughts and feelings. Grief changes from month to month, from week to week, from day to day, even from moment to moment. Give it your full attention. Don’t assume that what you felt yesterday is what you are feeling today. Be present with your grief as it is right now without judging, without criticizing, without trying to change anything. If feelings surface, let them flow. Trust them as they present themselves. Don’t push them back, don’t push them away. It’s safe here where you are. If you are feeling numb, you may at first feel that nothing is going on but if you look closer you may discover that even numbness involves a complicated set of sensations and experiences . So don’t judge yourself for feeling numb. Explore the feeling.

Give yourself permission to cry, express anger, be crazy or quiet, to feel a lot or to feel numb. This is your protected sanctuary where you can fully acknowledge the loss of your child. Your child is dying or has died. Your world has changed both within and without. Cradle yourself in your grief. You need your love, your protection. So be gentle with yourself and take your time. Let yourself be however you are in this present moment.

 Peace & Light,

Stella Wichman

Certified From Heartbreak to Happiness Coach
 
www.parentsgriefrecovery.com
 

“Who then can so softly bind up the wound of another as he who has felt the same wound himself?”

                                                                                   Thomas Jefferson

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by Stella

Healing a Loss at a Time

July 30, 2010 in Acceptance, Balance, Career Coaching, Compassion, Grief, Healing, Knowledge, Love, Uncategorized, Understanding, Wisdom

Interesting how each loss prepares you for the next.  Surviving the loss of my son after he had been missing for almost two years was certainly the most devastating event in my life.   And I have reflected back on the fact that each  of my previous loss experiences  both big and small helped me to handle something like losing a child.    How remarkable that the very things I learned to handle that loss I am  again using with new losses I have found myself up against.

I, my siblings and friends are at that time in our lives when either we have lost parents and or have aging parents that we realize  will not  be there for us one day.  We find our children are growing up and are leaving home and we find ourselves mourning that connection when they were part of our daily lives.  We are experiencing retirement or career changes and the losses associated with that.   Some of my friends have life altering or life threatening illnesses, even the world we once knew is becoming a scarier place to be in and makes us feel sad at the loss of olden days and simpler times.  Each of these things once again forces me to let go of the very false perception we have that we have control of our lives. In an instant the rug can be pulled out from under us, the course of our lives forever changed and leave us ungrounded and devastated.

 What I have come to understand is that while the tide in our lives is the constant, what the tide brings each time is ever changing and seeing the beauty in this natural rhythm of things is profound.

 A fact of life is we will experience many losses and in our lifetimes we live by losing, leaving and letting go. These are simply a part of our ever changing world like the seasons.  We nor those we love can escape this sorrow that is part of life.  Parents die, friends drift away and our children grow up and leave home. We lose spouses and partners to divorce or death; sometimes we lose them emotionally long before.

 With each major loss, we often encounter multiple losses. For example, the death of a parent can lead to many other losses– of our identity as their child, of our family history, and sometimes of friends as they retreat from the intensity of our grief. Losing a job can lead to the loss of self-confidence, identity, and power. A miscarriage or infertility can bring about the loss of the dream of having a family. A divorce can result in the loss of a lifestyle, home, friends, and identity.

   Our culture is one of acquisition and in it we are not taught how to handle loss.  We often think that we can avoid the pain of loss if we keep busy, that we can wall off our hearts a little to protect ourselves. However it is the un-grieved losses that snowball and eventually take their toll on our hearts and deaden us. We do not realize that even these, as hard as they are, are connected to our personal growth.

 Irish poet John O’ Donohue writes that loss is the “sister of discovery”.   He explains that as it empties and clears away the old, loss makes room for something new.  It allows us to grow and enjoy new things. Loss provides a “vital clearance of the soul”.  It prunes away the dead branches so that new shoots can break forth.

  When we are able to open our hearts and ourselves to the many smaller losses in our lives and treat them as teachings for the more major losses for which life will bring us, we are not so overwhelmed when a major loss such as the death of a child happens.  Instead we are able to tap into that reservoir of loss we hold within us and not only survive it but grow from it.

Peace & Light,

Stella Wichman

Certified From Heartbreak to Happiness Coach
 
www.parentsgriefrecovery.com
 

“Who then can so softly bind up the wound of another as he who has felt the same wound himself?”

                                                                                   Thomas Jefferson

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by Stella

Finding The Path Through The Bewildering Experience Of Loss

July 23, 2010 in Acceptance, Balance, Career Coaching, Communication, Compassion, Grief, Grounding, Healing, Intuition, Knowledge, Love, Motivation, Perception, Purpose, Rainbow Bridge Coaching and Healing, Spiritual Connection, Thought, Uncategorized, Understanding, Wisdom

Parents who lose a child are often left feeling as if they have survived a catastrophe and are left standing at  ground zero with no clue as to where to go or how to begin getting their life back.  It is difficult to know what to do from where they are at and on top of it they are left feeling stunned and reeling from the intense feelings of loss and pain.  Our society I have found offers little help in this area and the things people tell us such as time heals all wounds and he’s in a better place anger, frustrate, and stir up  the anxiety and confusion we already feel.  What I was fortunate enough to have found is that there are tools we  can use that make a huge difference in how quickly and easily we are able to merge our lives before we lost our child with the life we have now without that child.  Although forever changed  we can learn to adjust and be happy again.   We can each use our own creative and intuitive abilities fine tuned to us to help us find the peace we need.  We just need to be taught how and my experience was that with a grief recovery coach I was able to learn not only what these tools are but was coached on how to use them.    Some of the help I found came from a book I read called:  The Infinite Thread: Healing Relationships Beyond Loss by Alexandra Kennedy.  In it she mentions 7 steps for the process of recovery.

 They are:

  • to express all the feelings over this loss: anguish, longing, relief, anger, depression, numbness, despair, aching, guilt, confusion, and often unbearable pain
  • to let the nonnegotiable and excruciating reality sink in that you will never again be in the physical presence of your deceased loved one
  • to review your relationship from the beginning and to see the positive and negative aspects of the person and the relationship
  • to identify and heal your unresolved issues and your regrets
  • to explore the changes in your family and other relationships
  • to integrate all the changes into a new sense of yourself and to take on healthy new ways of being in the world without this person
  • to form a healthy new inner relationship with this person and to find new ways of relating to him or her.

Kennedys book reinforced how it’s important to actively work to integrate and resolve our grief, not to just passively experience our reactions to it.  She states that, “Grief carries us until we learn to carry it.” Reading that phrase helped me understand that we do not need to stay victims of grief we can be survivors and even captains of our destiny again if we wish!

Peace & Light,

Stella Wichman

Certified From Heartbreak to Happiness Coach
 
www.parentsgriefrecovery.com
 

“Who then can so softly bind up the wound of another as he who has felt the same wound himself?”

Thomas Jefferson

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by Stella

Finding Your Point Of Power After Child Loss

July 16, 2010 in Acceptance, Balance, Career Coaching, Communication, Compassion, Grief, Healing, Knowledge, Love, Motivation, Purpose, Rainbow Bridge Coaching and Healing, Spiritual Connection, Thought, Uncategorized, Understanding, Vitality, Wisdom

Knowledge is power!  For those of us who are trying to muddle our way through child loss it seems that understanding  what is happening to us emotionally, mentally, physically and spiritually and taking action to help ourselves through, moves us out of the victim mode of the situation and into the take charge mode again of our lives, and this is our point of power !

 How many times have I heard grieving parents echo what I myself have said since losing my son and that is, ” I am tired of the lemons I’ve been given and ready to turn them into lemonade and get back into life again!”  When I finally reached this point of my own grief recovery after my son Josh’s murdered remains had been found after  2 years of being missing, I needed to know how others who had made it through this terrible loss had done  it.

 I read every self help book I could get my hands on, I read everything I could find on the internet, I talked to many who had lost their own children before me, then I finally stumbled upon a Grief  Coaching method  for moving beyond hurt and loss that involves a series of steps one of which is moving beyond yourself.   It combines the best of who you were before losing a child, the who you are after losing a child, and the need we have to heal.  It takes you beyond yourself into the world of compassion like you never have been before.  To utilize all you have endured, all you have learned, all you have sacrificed to help other parents like yourself who find themselves lost and in terrific pain.

 In getting to this step in grief recovery many parents I have met now help facilitate support groups such as SIDS, head organizations such as Suicide Awareness, speak at schools about the danger of drugs,  some are involved in politics as in MADD etc.   I choose to become a Certified Grief Recovery Coach working specifically with parents, I speak, do workshops and write.   There is  a poem that  helped to give me direction towards my point of power again when I was feeling lost after losing my son:

It is by Will Allen Dromgoole and called “The Bridge Builder”

An old man, going a lone highway,
Came, at the evening, cold and gray,
To a chasm, vast, and deep, and wide,
Through which was flowing a sullen tide.

The old man crossed in the twilight dim;
The sullen stream had no fears for him;
But he turned, when safe on the other side,
And built a bridge to span the tide.

“Old man,” said a fellow pilgrim, near,
“You are wasting strength with building here;
Your journey will end with the ending day;
You never again must pass this way;

You have crossed the chasm, deep and wide,
Why build you the bridge at the eventide?”
The builder lifted his old gray head:
“Good friend, in the path I have come,” he said,

“There followeth after me today
A youth, whose feet must pass this way.”

“This chasm, that has been naught to me,
To that fair-haired youth may a pitfall be.
He, too, must cross in the twilight dim;
Good friend, I am building the bridge for him.”

May this help you along on your own grief recovery journey…

Peace & Light,

Stella Wichman

Certified From Heartbreak to Happiness Coach
 
www.parentsgriefrecovery.com
 

“Who then can so softly bind up the wound of another as he who has felt the same wound himself?”

 Thomas Jefferson

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by Stella

Learning To Cope With Pain After Child Loss

July 9, 2010 in Acceptance, Balance, Grief, Grounding, Healing, Knowledge, Love, Rainbow Bridge Coaching and Healing, Spiritual Connection, Thought, Uncategorized, Understanding, Wisdom

ME 2 SEATTLEWhen I was learning how to navigate the world and my new life after I lost my son, I read an article that helped me tremendously.  So much in fact I decided to base this blog on it!  The following is from Richard Marsh’s biography “Surviving Loss”:

 Coping and Catastrophic Change

  By  nature,  everyone  has multiple ways to  cope  with  any  problem.  While everyone has heard of the “Flight or Fight” alternatives, there are actually about nine methods of coping used  by people,  each  with a typical type of action  and  an  associated mental state.

  1.   Attack.  When faced with a problem, one may attack  it. 

 The action for this pattern is fighting and the emotion is anger. 

 Anyone who reacts to challenge and problems with anger is focused

 on this pattern of resolving conflicts and problems.

 

 2.   Fleeing.   When faced with a problem, a person can  run

 away  from it.  The action is flight, and the emotional state  is

 fear.  Many people run from their problems.

 

 3.   Denial.   The action is to ignore the problem  and  the

 emotional state is dullness.

 

4.   Dithering.   The  action associated with  dithering  is

 random response and the emotional state is confusion.   Dithering

 is also referred to in the literature as distracting.

 

 5.   Co-option.  The action associated with co-opting problems

 is  cooperation.  The general act is trying  to  reach  a

 participatory and collective action and the emotional state  is

 a cooperative one.

 

 6.   Analysis.   This response to stress or problems is to

 attempt to think through and understand the problem. 

The emotional state is usually curiosity.

 

  7.   Action.   This response is somewhat of the opposite  to

 Analysis.  It is “doing something, anything” and in many ways  is

 an  active  form  of dithering.  The emotional state  is  one  of

 extreme intentness.

 

 8.   Appeasement.   The general act is to just give  in  and

 the general emotional state is guilt.

 

 9.   Anguish.  This response is to give up and the emotional

 state is one of despair. 

 

      Whenever  there  is catastrophic change and pain,  the  mind treats  the pain as a signal that the current methods  of  coping need  to be changed.  The subconscious treats the pain  as  proof that  the current method has failed and forces a person to  begin to  try the methods over and over again until the pain  decreases and something is found that “works.”

  Persons  who have catastrophic loss will experience  all  of the above states and methods over and over again in their  lives, almost randomly, until the pain decreases.

  Thus,  if  a person were assaulted and robbed in  a  parking lot,  they would feel anger, confusion, guilt and a desire to  do something  (or  nothing) over and over again until the  pain  had healed.   The emotions and states would be applied to  everything in life, not just parking lots and banks.

  A  person who loses a child will suffer through  this  cycle for at least a year and usually for three to five years.  If they are  moved off track in their healing they can become stuck in  a mode for five to ten years or even for life.  One of the  worst things  outsiders  can  do is pressure grieving  parents  not  to resolve a mode or to attempt to force them to stick in one.

 Steps and Cycles

  It  is important to understand that these  steps  associated with grief and mourning can afflict everyone, not just those with ”serious” losses.  While these steps are caused by the constant cycling of coping mechanisms, these steps occur, to some  extent, in  every life when loss occurs.  While few lose  children,  many lose  jobs, friends and other hopes, and experience  portions  of the same steps.

 In  spite  of  it all, it is possible to  cope.   You,  your family  and others can all do things that will help you  make  it through the loss of a child (or other significant loss) in  shape to make a better tomorrow and able to care for those who  remain.  Always  remember, those who remain need you as much as those  who died.

 While I had read about the stages of grief written many years ago by the famous Dr. Kubler- Ross, and was able to apply them to my own healing.   I found that the 9 stages of coping with catastrophe found above carried me even further up the road to grief recovery.  I hope that in reading this many others find the help they need as well.    

Peace & Light,

Stella Wichman

Certified From Heartbreak to Happiness Coach
 
www.parentsgriefrecovery.com
 

“Who then can so softly bind up the wound of another as he who has felt the same wound himself?”

Thomas Jefferson

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by Stella

Child Loss Can Be Incapacitating

July 1, 2010 in Acceptance, Balance, Compassion, Grief, Healing, Knowledge, Rainbow Bridge Coaching and Healing, Spiritual Connection, success, Thought, Uncategorized, Understanding, Wisdom

ME 2 SEATTLELosing a child can be and most often is incapacitating to varying degrees depending on the individual.  The definition of incapacity according to the Encarta Dictionary is: “A physical or mental challenge, making learning or performing basic tasks difficult.”

 In Learning About Grief from Normal Families:  SIDS, Still-birth, and Miscarriage, Journal of Marital and  Family  Therapy, 1991,  Vol. 17, No. 3, 215 it says, “the period of substantial incapacity normally lasts one to three years when a child dies, nine to fifteen months for a miscarriage.”

 Because  such a large part of incapacity is the loss of mental function, parents who have lost a child often are unable to properly measure the depth or level of their incapacity.  Many parents report that immediately following their loss, they lost the ability to stand, talk and think at the same time.   The mental effort required to keep their balance took more than they had.  At the time this was happening they were unaware of this incapacity they were suffering from and not until they looked back did they come to realize how impaired they had been.  What is important here is to understand that this is a quite normal and common response to child loss. 

 For caregivers, during the time right after child loss, understanding this concept should help in what areas you might step into to help the grieving parent.  Things such as driving, cooking, caring for other children in the home, errands etc.  Having been there myself as a grieving parent an excellent approach would have been “let me come be your friend/servant for the day so you don’t have to be worrying about menial things like driving or cooking so soon after your loss.”  Specifically suggesting rather than  generally asking “where can I help?”  Always the independent one when I was asked about where I needed help I resisted but later found myself in dangerous situations like going through red lights and leaving pans burning on the stove.  Thank heavens my guardian angel was obviously on overtime duty during the weeks following when my son was reported missing and again when his murdered remains were found.

 ”Unfortunately, in addition to reduced mental function greater financial obligations usually accompany loss” according to research from Counseling  Bereaved Families (Springer Publishing Company, Inc.) at 75-77. Thus the demands on your ability increase as your ability decreases.  Most parents report that due to medical bills, funeral bills and or inability to work they feel the stress of decreased income after child loss.  This in turn also causes additional stress and therefore has an even further incapacitating effect.

 Again the important thing here is that as a grieving parent one realizes that this is a normal and universal reaction to losing a child and that there is light at the end of the proverbial tunnel once an individual has done enough grief recovery work for themselves.  As I have mentioned before this can be done on one’s own but is most often faster and easier when done with a Professional Grief Recovery Coach like I and many other parents have or a Therapist.

Peace & Light,

Stella Wichman

Certified From Heartbreak to Happiness Coach
 
www.parentsgriefrecovery.com
 

“Who then can so softly bind up the wound of another as he who has felt the same wound himself?”

                                                                  Thomas Jefferson

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