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Healing a Loss at a Time

July 30, 2010 in Acceptance, Balance, Career Coaching, Compassion, Grief, Healing, Knowledge, Love, Uncategorized, Understanding, Wisdom

Interesting how each loss prepares you for the next. Surviving the loss of my son after he had been missing for almost two years was certainly the most devastating event in my life. And I have reflected back on the fact that each of my previous loss experiences both big and small helped me to handle something like losing a child. How remarkable that the very things I learned to handle that loss I am again using with new losses I have found myself up against.

I, my siblings and friends are at that time in our lives when either we have lost parents and or have aging parents that we realize will not be there for us one day. We find our children are growing up and are leaving home and we find ourselves mourning that connection when they were part of our daily lives. We are experiencing retirement or career changes and the losses associated with that. Some of my friends have life altering or life threatening illnesses, even the world we once knew is becoming a scarier place to be in and makes us feel sad at the loss of olden days and simpler times. Each of these things once again forces me to let go of the very false perception we have that we have control of our lives. In an instant the rug can be pulled out from under us, the course of our lives forever changed and leave us ungrounded and devastated.

What I have come to understand is that while the tide in our lives is the constant, what the tide brings each time is ever changing and seeing the beauty in this natural rhythm of things is profound.

A fact of life is we will experience many losses and in our lifetimes we live by losing, leaving and letting go. These are simply a part of our ever changing world like the seasons. We nor those we love can escape this sorrow that is part of life. Parents die, friends drift away and our children grow up and leave home. We lose spouses and partners to divorce or death; sometimes we lose them emotionally long before.

With each major loss, we often encounter multiple losses. For example, the death of a parent can lead to many other losses– of our identity as their child, of our family history, and sometimes of friends as they retreat from the intensity of our grief. Losing a job can lead to the loss of self-confidence, identity, and power. A miscarriage or infertility can bring about the loss of the dream of having a family. A divorce can result in the loss of a lifestyle, home, friends, and identity.

Our culture is one of acquisition and in it we are not taught how to handle loss. We often think that we can avoid the pain of loss if we keep busy, that we can wall off our hearts a little to protect ourselves. However it is the un-grieved losses that snowball and eventually take their toll on our hearts and deaden us. We do not realize that even these, as hard as they are, are connected to our personal growth.

Irish poet John O’ Donohue writes that loss is the “sister of discovery”. He explains that as it empties and clears away the old, loss makes room for something new. It allows us to grow and enjoy new things. Loss provides a “vital clearance of the soul”. It prunes away the dead branches so that new shoots can break forth.

When we are able to open our hearts and ourselves to the many smaller losses in our lives and treat them as teachings for the more major losses for which life will bring us, we are not so overwhelmed when a major loss such as the death of a child happens. Instead we are able to tap into that reservoir of loss we hold within us and not only survive it but grow from it.

Peace & Light,

Stella Wichman

Certified From Heartbreak to Happiness Coach

www.parentsgriefrecovery.com

“Who then can so softly bind up the wound of another as he who has felt the same wound himself?”

Thomas Jefferson

Tags: attitude, Balance, coaching, decision-making, emotions, gratitude, grief, Grief Recovery, grieving parents, growth, knowing, opportunity for growth, parents grief, reflection, Thought, understand 1 Comment »

by Stella

Child Loss Can Be Incapacitating

July 1, 2010 in Acceptance, Balance, Compassion, Grief, Healing, Knowledge, Rainbow Bridge Coaching and Healing, Spiritual Connection, success, Thought, Uncategorized, Understanding, Wisdom

Losing a child can be and most often is incapacitating to varying degrees depending on the individual. The definition of incapacity according to the Encarta Dictionary is: “A physical or mental challenge, making learning or performing basic tasks difficult.”

In Learning About Grief from Normal Families: SIDS, Still-birth, and Miscarriage, Journal of Marital and Family Therapy, 1991, Vol. 17, No. 3, 215 it says, “the period of substantial incapacity normally lasts one to three years when a child dies, nine to fifteen months for a miscarriage.”

Because such a large part of incapacity is the loss of mental function, parents who have lost a child often are unable to properly measure the depth or level of their incapacity. Many parents report that immediately following their loss, they lost the ability to stand, talk and think at the same time. The mental effort required to keep their balance took more than they had. At the time this was happening they were unaware of this incapacity they were suffering from and not until they looked back did they come to realize how impaired they had been. What is important here is to understand that this is a quite normal and common response to child loss.

For caregivers, during the time right after child loss, understanding this concept should help in what areas you might step into to help the grieving parent. Things such as driving, cooking, caring for other children in the home, errands etc. Having been there myself as a grieving parent an excellent approach would have been “let me come be your friend/servant for the day so you don’t have to be worrying about menial things like driving or cooking so soon after your loss.” Specifically suggesting rather than generally asking “where can I help?” Always the independent one when I was asked about where I needed help I resisted but later found myself in dangerous situations like going through red lights and leaving pans burning on the stove. Thank heavens my guardian angel was obviously on overtime duty during the weeks following when my son was reported missing and again when his murdered remains were found.

”Unfortunately, in addition to reduced mental function greater financial obligations usually accompany loss” according to research from Counseling Bereaved Families (Springer Publishing Company, Inc.) at 75-77. Thus the demands on your ability increase as your ability decreases. Most parents report that due to medical bills, funeral bills and or inability to work they feel the stress of decreased income after child loss. This in turn also causes additional stress and therefore has an even further incapacitating effect.

Again the important thing here is that as a grieving parent one realizes that this is a normal and universal reaction to losing a child and that there is light at the end of the proverbial tunnel once an individual has done enough grief recovery work for themselves. As I have mentioned before this can be done on one’s own but is most often faster and easier when done with a Professional Grief Recovery Coach like I and many other parents have or a Therapist.

Peace & Light,

Stella Wichman

Certified From Heartbreak to Happiness Coach

www.parentsgriefrecovery.com

“Who then can so softly bind up the wound of another as he who has felt the same wound himself?”

Thomas Jefferson

Tags: attitude, Balance, choice, coaching, decision-making, emotions, grief, grieving parents, growth, knowing, opportunity for growth, parents grief, Purpose, rainbow bridge, spiritual growth, spirituality, success, Thought, understand 1 Comment »

by Stella

How Many Children Do You Have?

June 11, 2010 in Acceptance, Balance, Communication, Compassion, Grief, Grounding, Healing, Intuition, Knowledge, Love, Motivation, Purpose, Rainbow Bridge Coaching and Healing, Relationships, Thought, Uncategorized, Understanding, Wisdom

Soon after my son’s murdered remains were found I was filling out a form and came to the question, “How many children do you have?” I remember feeling panic at that moment at how to answer this question I had previously answered easily for over twenty years. Logic said three girls but my heart thought no, that is not right, that seems like denying my sons existence. Next I thought, I have three girls and one son, four kids, no, that isn’t right either, is it?

Losing a child was bad enough and now staring me square in the face was this awful question that I now realized I was going to have to deal with not only once but numerous times I knew for the rest of my life. So I figured I might as well find the right answer for me for all those form questions and those individuals I would surely come across who would ask me as well.

In the beginning when I needed to tell my story of my son and how he had died I spoke in detail of how he had gone missing for almost two years and how and where his remains had been found as well as how his case was being pursued by numerous private, state, and federal agencies.

As the months began to pass and I found I had told my story enough and the grieving process had begun to heal me I found I did not need to go into the details any more. My needs had changed and so I rethought my answer.

Now I answer five stepchildren, three daughters and one angel son. I consider who is asking and why and whether or not they are going to be a continuing part of my life to determine if I am going to go any further in my answer. If so I tell them more so as not to feel as if we are dancing around the fact at hand of my son’s death. I may also explain that my husband’s first born daughter also died of spinal meningitis when she was two, many years before I met my husband. Better out in the open I figure, as it than loses its ability to interfere with the relationship.

If on the other hand the individual is just a passerby in my life than I leave it at five stepchildren, three daughters and one angel son and seldom does anyone pursue it beyond that. If they do or if they have follow up questions about my children I tell them that my 20 year old son went missing for almost two years and his remains were found at that point and the authorities are all in agreement of who did it and know who did it but it is still an ongoing investigation and they are waiting to make an arrest. Then I tell them about my stepchildren and daughters who are alive and well. This way I give them a chance to either acknowledge my son’s death and continue asking questions or ask about the rest of our kids. Doing it this way usually keeps everyone, including me comfortable.

The occasional embarrassed individual I feel bad for but I see it as their problem. Everyone is different when it comes to this question and no answer is a wrong one in fact my husband who lost a daughter in his first marriage along with his stepson (my son) answers seven children. For him this is what works.

Each of us has to decide what is right for us and then simply say it. In this way we strip the question of its ability to traumatize us, we take away it’s negative power and it can no longer have a harmful affect on us.

Peace & Light,

Stella Wichman

Certified From Heartbreak to Happiness Coach

www.parentsgriefrecovery.com

“Who then can so softly bind up the wound of another as he who has felt the same wound himself?”

Thomas Jefferson

Tags: attitude, Balance, decision-making, emotions, grief, Grief Recovery, grieving parents, growth, intuition, knowing, opportunity for growth, parents grief, Purpose, rainbow bridge, relationships, spiritual growth, Thought, trust yourself, understand 1 Comment »

by Stella

June 4, 2010 in Grief, Knowledge, Motivation, Purpose, Rainbow Bridge Coaching and Healing, Thought

13 Things To Know If Your Child Goes Missing

Many parents I have come across have asked me to include a blog dealing with what I and other parents learned while dealing with the unimaginable happening, having your child go missing. Below is a compilation of things I found to do when my son of 20 years went missing for almost two years. We did find him. Not the ending we were hoping for but we did at least find him!

Immediately call (911) and all other local law enforcement agencies: Do not stop after you have called 911. Depending on your circumstances, contact your local Police Department, County Sheriff, State Police or Highway Patrol, law enforcement in surrounding jurisdictions and the Border Patrol if applicable. Remember, there is no 24 or 48-hour waiting period. If you meet resistance demand to speak to the watch commander and insist that they take a report and enter the information into the National Crime Information Computer (NCIC) at once.
Notify the Federal Bureau of Investigation: If you suspect a predatory abduction. The FBI will initiate a kidnapping investigation involving a missing child of tender years, defined as a child twelve years or younger, even though there is no known interstate aspect. The FBI will monitor other kidnapping situations when there is no evidence of interstate travel, and it offers assistance from various entities including the FBI Laboratory. They have written protocols, dedicated agents, unsurpassed resources and vast experience in this specialized investigative field.
Log onto or refer the responding law enforcement agency to www.beyondmissing.com: This revolutionary Website allows registered law enforcement agencies to immediately create and distribute missing flyers to other targeted law enforcement agencies using powerful Internet tools. Parents can also create, download and print flyers for duplication, but not database or electronically distribute missing flyers. There is no cost for either service.
4. Find registered offenders. Are there any close to your home? www.familywatchdog.us
Notify all local media assignment desks: The sooner television and radio begin notifying the community that a child has been kidnapped, the better the chances of recovery. It’s as simple as that.
Notify your local non-profit Child Locator Service: They can provide an array of services pertinent to your situation. Child Locator Services exist to assist in the recovery of missing children. Do not overlook this important resource.
If you believe that your child has been kidnapped: Contact the National Center For Missing and Exploited Children at 1-800-THE-LOST.
If you believe that your child has been kidnapped: Contact Team H.O.P.E., a parent support network for families with missing children. Team H.O.P.E. volunteer parents have experienced the agony of searching for their own children. They provide practical and emotional support for parents whose children are victims of predatory kidnapping, parental abduction, international abduction, adult missing and runaways and can be reached at 1-800-306-6311.

9. Sign up for wireless amber alert. The AMBER Alert^TM Program is a voluntary partnership between law-enforcement agencies, broadcasters, transportation agencies, and the wireless industry, to activate an urgent bulletin in the most serious child-abduction cases. The goal of an AMBER Alert is to instantly galvanize the entire community to assist in the search for and the safe recovery of the child. www.wirelessamberalerts.org

10. If you believe that your child has run away: Contact the National Runaway Switchboard www.1800runaway.org at 1-800-786 2929.

11. Keep your home phone attended by someone your child knows: Install Caller ID if you do not already have that service and record conversations. This may be the only way your child knows how to reach you.

12. Take care to preserve your physical and emotional welfare: Friends, neighbors and even total strangers will be working toward a successful resolution, but you must remember to eat and sleep regularly. This will be the most daunting and difficult journey that you will ever take and you will need sobriety, presence of mind and good judgment if it is to be successful. Seek emotional and psychological support from your church, a social service agency or even a professional counselor or Grief Coach with experience in your type of situation. Remember that you alone are leading the battle for the return of your missing child.

13. Remember – Never Give Up Hope! As long as you believe, hope remains eternal.

Additional sites I used and recommend are:

www.ncmec.org
www.amw.com
www.missingchildrencenterinc.com
www.missingkids.com
www.childquest.org- preventive etc

www.Klasskids.org

Some of the information here is from these websites.

Additional resources can be found at www.parentsgriefrecovery.com

Peace & Light,

Stella Wichman

Certified From Heartbreak to Happiness Coach

www.parentsgriefrecovery.com

“Who then can so softly bind up the wound of another as he who has felt the same wound himself?”

Thomas Jefferson

Tags: coaching, Communication, decision-making, emotions, fear, grief, Grief Recovery, grieving parents, knowing, parents grief, Purpose, rainbow bridge 1 Comment »

by Stella

What Grieving Parents Want Professionals To Know

May 27, 2010 in Acceptance, Compassion, Grief, Healing, Knowledge, Rainbow Bridge Coaching and Healing, Spiritual Connection, Thought, Understanding, Wisdom

April 29th, 2007-Today the police called and asked my husband Mike and I to come down again to the station and meet with Joshes dad and step mom for the umpteenth time. Little do I know that the rug will be pulled out from under me severely and quickly without any warning as it was 2 years ago when I was told that my 20 year old son Josh had gone missing.

Upon arriving at the police conference room they told us that my son had been found. A moment of pure joy that was followed by the next comment b y the police,” his remains were found yesterday afternoon by some individuals in a remote area several hours away from Lewistown. The area has been cordoned off and evidence is being collected.“

These memories of that fateful day when I found out my son had been murdered will remain with me forever. In my work with Grieving Parents I was surprised to find how many of them had similar stories and each of us talked of how we wished professionals were more adequately prepared for how to work with parents who have just gotten the news their child has died. Below are some things that grieving parents would like to see professionals know:

Looking For Significance-What we are looking for in the midst of a trauma is significance. We need to know that our relationship to the patient is acknowledged and that we don’t have to relinquish our family position just because our loved one is in the hospital or has died.

Need to be Informed-Obviously, it will not always be possible or even wise for family members to be with a patient during all life-saving procedures. However, we need to be kept informed. A liaison should be assigned to the family, someone who can explain what’s happening, someone who will represent the doctor and the family well. A liaison can also offer to call a pastor, chaplain, or friend. A liaison should also help provide privacy for the family, and most of all they need to be gentle. We have just been severely traumatized, our child has died or is dying, we are in a strange environment, and we are frightened. We need someone who will establish good rapport and establish our significance

Answer Our Questions-We will have all kinds of questions. “Is he conscious? Is he in pain? What happened? What are the medical people doing right now? Why is it taking so long? Will he live?”

We need someone to explain hospital procedures and answer questions. A caring staff person who is well informed can go a long way toward preventing malpractice suits and most certainly promote goodwill between the hospital, the doctor, and the patient’s family.

Parents are often so frustrated by the lack of answers by medical personnel that they feel a malpractice suit is often the only way to force an explanation of what happened and get answers to their questions.

I have learned that families can handle an “I don’t know” or “I did everything I could” answer much more easily than a medical person’s refusal to answer or a medical person’s apparent avoidance of the family. When our questions aren’t answered by medical personnel, we are left to come up with our own answers and they may well be wrong.

Do Not Avoid Us-As medical professionals please do not be evasive because you are afraid of us and our questions. Instead gather information and inform when we ask. Be aware of volunteers from bereavement support groups who can be called to talk with and/or sit with a family facing the death of a loved one.

Do Not be Afraid to Show Sympathy- for fear we may “fall apart. When we cry or show some other emotion, we are not doing so because you showed concern. We are doing so because someone has finally given significance to us and our situation and we feel it is safe to express our true feelings.

Allow us to Vent-It is helpful if someone shows enough concern that we know it is safe to express our feelings and our fears. Once we know it is ok to express our true feelings, the strong emotions usually dissipate quite quickly. However, when we sense it is not safe to show our emotions, we generally do everything we can to hold them in until some often insignificant situation arises and the top explodes off of our emotions like an exploding volcano.

Provide a Liaison-If a hospital can provide a caring person to stick with the family and even call and check up on them later, that will go a long way to create good will and positive attitudes between the family and the medical establishment.

Educate Yourself- It is important that medical personnel become well versed in how to help families when things don’t go the way they had hoped. Don’t just read clinical material on bereavement; read articles and books written by bereaved people.

Don’t Let Us Leave Empty Handed – Gather information for us on support groups. Prepare a resource list of helpful books and articles. Hand it to us. Give us a card with the telephone number of a minister, grief recovery coach or counselor. Send us home with some books that will address our situation. Make arrangements to have someone check on us periodically. I was told a medical professional asked, “Well, what kind of time-line can we put on grief?” The answer to that question, “Everyone and each situation is different so grief takes as long as it needs to for each individual.” So please give us time, and please give us permission to grieve.

Peace & Light,

Stella Wichman

Certified From Heartbreak to Happiness Coach

www.parentsgriefrecovery.com

“Who then can so softly bind up the wound of another as he who has felt the same wound himself?”

Thomas Jefferson

Tags: coaching, decision-making, emotions, gratitude, grief, Grief Recovery, grieving parents, knowing, opportunity for growth, parents grief, Thought, understand 3 Comments »

by Stella

Mysterious Things That Can Happen To Us While Grieving

May 21, 2010 in Acceptance, Balance, Compassion, Grief, Healing, Intuition, Knowledge, Love, Perception, Purpose, Rainbow Bridge Coaching and Healing, Spiritual Connection, Thought, Understanding, Wisdom

In the parents grief support group I attended after I lost my son there was often talk of strange occurrences that seemed to happen to not all but many of the parents . By strange occurrences I mean things out of the normal range that are unexplainable and that seem to follow or surround the death of their children. The interesting thing about the discussions is that not one of the parents was spooked by the occurrences nor thought they were evil, witchy, satanic, or otherwise came from or led to anything bad. In fact most parents seemed heartened by them feeling their child was connecting to them in some way as if they were trying to reassure them that they were OK.

There is one couple that I met who see butterflies in the strangest places and at the strangest times. In fact they have finally built a butterfly flower garden in their backyard so they can sit there to enjoy it and through those butterflies feel close to the daughter they lost.

Another set of parents I know have had experiences with lights, especially a certain lamp in their home going on by itself. This started soon after they lost their son. They feel it is a way for him to connect to them from the new realm he is in. A way to say hello! I am here and okay! It gives them great peace of mind and reassurance that he is okay where he is and is still watching over them.

Many other parents claim to see what is called an orb of light. I round bright ball of light that is sometimes seen around someone before, during or after death. We have pictures taken several months before my son died where there is an orb seen in the picture by him. I was told by a number of parents in my support group they too had looked back at pictures taken of their child who had died and noticed these strange round lights near them.

Many of us experience some kind of unusual occurrence when we are grieving. Often we are embarrassed to talk about these curious events. We wonder if others around us may think us crazy. We are most certainly not though. Many normal average people experience these sorts of things upon losing someone.

For example my son’s greatest trouble with being employed once he was old enough to be, was his loss of freedom. He told me once before he died that he valued his freedom more than he did money. He would rather be poorer and be free to spend his time doing what he wanted with his friends and family than have money to buy an expensive car, etc and lose his freedom by being tied to a job and the material things most people are. Of course as his mom and the voice of logic I explained how you must get a good education and job so you have good insurance and pay for all that may come your way so life is easier for you and your own family should you have one. We had this argument through his three years in college and he frustrated me as he worked hard at school but not also at a job after school. He choose instead to live meagerl,y to keep his prioritized freedom as opposed to working more and having more money for things. Looking back I am glad he choose what he did. Had I known he was going to be murdered I would of chosen the same for him so he could enjoy the time he had with friends and family doing the things he enjoyed to do. Did he know or sense something about his life being short?

As a high school senior he was not happy like I thought he would be about graduating when we talked about it. I remember him telling me he wished he could do another year in high school as he liked things as they were and knew his freedom would lesson upon going into college and beyond. Again looking back did he sense something I wonder about what was to come? He flat out told me several times in his life he did not think he was going to grow old. Just a feeling he said. Other parents who have lost children have told me similar stories about their own kids. Do they sense or have a feeling about their untimely deaths?

The day of his memorial almost two years after he had gone missing and again a week later when we scattered his remains I noticed a golden eagle above me in the sky. In Montana that in itself was not odd. Not only did Josh love the freedom of Eagles but he had an Eagle blanket in his room on his bed. Both of these days every time I looked up outside this golden eagle was overhead. I counted 5 different stops the first day when that eagle was over me and a week later while we were out of town scattering his ashes there was that darn eagle again. When we returned home a second time that day I saw a golden eagle overhead and again later that day 3 more times before the day was over. Ten times in all, five times each day! By the third or fourth time I was saying “Hi Josh, I see you, thanks for being so close to us, it helps since this is so terribly hard to do!” or later when I looked up “Hi Josh, love you too much, too!” Inexplicably I felt each time that it was too often to be coincidence or my wishful thinking. I felt as if I was being touched by either my son Josh, God or both when I needed it most.

There are many who have tried to find explanations for this kind of thing. In science they call it the -Laws of Seriality and Object-Impact Interactions. In physics-Implicate Order and Morphogenic Fields. Many have written about -Synchronicity and those in theology tell of -Grace and a Higher Being.

What I have found is that these mysterious events especially in our early grief are not to be understood so much as to notice them and reflect on them. Noticing something unusual does not mean we are crazy. We don’t always need to be able to understand something to be comforted by it or be surprised by it. My belief is that these occurrences are meant to be respite from dealing daily with loss. Often they stay with us for a long time if not forever. They are gifts sent to us, moments to be honored. Times when we realize that some things are a mystery and that there may be a presence we cannot explain. As for me I have now come face to face with the fact that I can be affected by something even when I do not understand it and it can give me immense and lasting comfort.

Peace & Light,

Stella Wichman

Certified From Heartbreak to Happiness Coach

www.parentsgriefrecovery.com

“Who then can so softly bind up the wound of another as he who has felt the same wound himself?”

Thomas Jefferson

Tags: attitude, coaching, decision-making, emotions, grief, Grief Recovery, grieving parents, growth, intuition, knowing, Love, opportunity for growth, parents grief, peace, Purpose, rainbow bridge, spirit, spiritual growth, spirituality, Thought, truth, understand 2 Comments »

by Stella

21 Things That Help Your Surviving Children When They Have Lost A Sibling

April 30, 2010 in Acceptance, Balance, Career Coaching, Communication, Compassion, Grief, Healing, Intuition, Knowledge, Love, Purpose, Rainbow Bridge Coaching and Healing, Relationships, Spiritual Connection, Thought, Understanding, Wisdom

When my son died an additional hardship was deciding how to tell his sisters as well as how to balance my own grief along with supporting them in theirs. The following is an excerpt from my diary and upcoming book “Grieving Joshie” by Stella Haight-Wichman

April 29th 2007 Going Home The police have just informed us that after almost 2 years of being missing they have found our son’s murdered remains. Now while we reel from the news we must tell the girls, his sisters.

Josh’s 17 year old sister is at their dad’s house. He will tell her the news there while I break the news to his oldest sister 24 over the phone and Josh’s 10 year old sister at my house .

I call Josh’s oldest sister who is married and lives out of state. Her husband answers and tells me she is gone for the weekend I tell him that her brothers remains have been found, that he is not coming back and that I do not want to ruin her weekend out with girlfriends so if he wants to tell her when she gets home or she can call me when she gets back and I will tell her. He says he will have her call me and that he is very sorry.

How do I tell Tia his youngest sister who has mourned his being missing for almost 2 years as only a little girl could, openly and with much grief and confusion? How can I tell her that her brother isn’t coming home again? How can I tell her that her brother is…dead? Finally I just go ahead and tell her that the police have told us they found Josh’s body and that he is dead. She looks stunned and then her eyes fill up with tears as she says “no” over and over as I hold her and she rocks back and forth crying. Her heart has just been broken completely open as mine has.

I am so tired. So much has happened today. I have had enough for one day, the rest will have to wait for tomorrow or another day. We cry together into the night until we fall asleep together mercifully.

You must do the thing you think you cannot do.

ELEANOR ROOSEVELT

April 30th 2007 Back At Home

The next afternoon Joshs littlest sister and I have a peaceful discussion about life and death. We talk about bodies being like dirty clothes encasing souls. I reassure her that Joshie will be like an angel watching over her. I tell her that she can talk to Joshie any time she likes, and that Joshie can hear her. I tell her that Joshies body is dead—but Joshie’s love is forever. She says she doesn’t want me to ever die and I tell her everything living eventually dies but that I plan on living a long time. She has a favorite book I gave her sister years ago called” Mama Do You Still Love Me?” I remind her of that story and tell her that I will always love her for as many days as there are stars in the sky. I tell her that all she must do when some day very far from now when she is an old grandma and I cannot be with her is look at the stars and know her mom is up there watching over her as her brother now is and that we will all be up there one day. This seems to answer all her questions at least for now. She quietly gets up from her bed and picks up the book she got for her brother at a garage sale right after he went missing so if I grounded him he would have something to do and says I guess i don’t need this anymore and hands it to me. We both start crying again…

Later that day my oldest daughter calls from out of state and tells me she tried to call me earlier and found my line busy and figured I was probably calling the rest of our family to break the news to them so she then says she called her dad and he already told her about her brother. I talk with her more and answer as many questions as I can amidst our tears until she finally has to hang up…

The following are a list of things that I and other parents who have lost children have compiled to help other parents when faced with the difficult task of telling their surviving children that one of their siblings has died. My wish is that in some small measure it helps.

Tell them as soon as you can.
Less is more here so tell them in a simple straight forward manner being careful not to get to explicit. They will ask more questions if they need to.
If they have a question you can’t answer tell them so.
Do not beat around the bush. Tell them using correct words such as dead not sleeping.
Ask them if they have any questions either now or later to not be afraid to ask them.
Share how you feel as a means of role modeling for them. An example would be saying I feel so sad that’s why I am crying. This gives them permission to cry too.
Talk about the deceased child using their name it helps everyone to work through it faster.
Be age appropriate when speaking to your child about their siblings death.
Talk about the many feelings that they and others feel when grieving, sad, lonely, depressed, teary, angry etc.
Read about sibling grief either in books, articles or on the internet to better help your surviving child.
Read an age appropriate book on grief to your child to not only help them talk and understand but because it also tells them they are not alone in this situation. That there are other kids who have lost siblings.
Tell them about the funeral , what happens and answer what questions they may have.
Help your child find ways to say goodbye to their deceased brother or sister.
Talk about what happens to people after they die according to your beliefs.
Make it clear to your child you are there for them and the many questions they may have.
Talk about the memories you both have bad or good.
Keep on the lookout for bad dreams. If they happen often talk about them.
Watch for changes in behavior both at home and at school such as: sleep problems, anxiety, eating problems, anger issues, troubles concentrating, clinginess, crabbiness, aggression, or fear.
Suggest doing something as a memorial for the sibling who has died. This often is comforting!
If something seems to go on too long or seems to be too severe call a Professional such as a Certified Grief Coach or Therapist.
Give your child extra love, attention and physical contact.

This is by no means everything that might help but is only meant to be a guide to start you off in the right direction should you need it.

Peace & Light,

Stella Wichman

Certified From Heartbreak to Happiness Coach

www.parentsgriefrecovery.com

“Who then can so softly bind up the wound of another as he who has felt the same wound himself?”

Thomas Jefferson

Tags: coaching, decision-making, emotions, grief, Grief Recovery, grieving parents, growth, intuition, knowing, parents grief, rainbow bridge, relationships, spiritual growth, Thought, trust, trust yourself, understand No Comments »

by Stella

16+ Things to Know To Help Yourself When Experiencing Child Loss

April 23, 2010 in Acceptance, Balance, Compassion, Grief, Grounding, Healing, Knowledge, Love, Physical Health, Rainbow Bridge Coaching and Healing, Spiritual Connection, Thought, Understanding, Wisdom

My 20 year old son Josh went missing in 2005 and was missing for almost 2 years. I spent the better part of that time working and trying to continue being a mom to my three girls, a wife to my husband and a friend to my friends. Simultaneously I physically searched for my son as well as tried to drive as many people and agencies to keep looking for him with me as if it were their own child that had disappeared.

Police Station Today the police called and asked my husband Mike and I to come down again to the station and meet with Joshes dad and step mom for the umpteenth time. Little do I know that the rug will be pulled out from under me severely and quickly without any warning as it was 2 years ago when I was told that my 20 year old son Josh had gone missing.

It takes all my strength and concentration to simply remain where I am under the continued assault of information. Josh my son is dead. I ask if they know what has happened and they say yes he has been killed and an investigation will follow. Joshua what happened did you know it was coming? Did you suffer? Did you think of me and wonder why I could not come and help you or even stop this terrible thing from happening? Did you even know you were dying? Or was it mercifully quick and painless? I sure hope and pray you didn’t know or feel a thing. (Excerpt from my diary and upcoming book “Grieving Joshie-A Mothers Triumph” by Stella Haight-Wichman)

Each grieving parent receives the news of their child’s death in some way, a phone call, in person, from a relative or friend. It becomes our ground zero. Complete and utter devastation. We each respond in our own way. Some emotionally, some go numb, some respond more physically feeling nauseous or feeling as if they were hit hard in the stomach.

Understanding the reasons for our reactions goes far in how well and how soon we start our recovery from child loss. Emotions as many of us may have learned, help to regulate our lives, to give us consistency, balance and stability. So when we suddenly lose that balance as we do when we find out our child has died and life no longer makes any sense, our emotions are affected and felt often times immediately.

Our emotional response in turn causes a physical response often times felt as quickly as a second later. Chemicals in our body are released , causing anxiety and stress which causes the heart to beat faster and can mimic a heart attack and the muscles in our body contract causing a feeling of stiffness and weakness and tiredness, blood vessels constrict and may reroute blood causing a feeling of coldness in our bodies and or numbness even, antibodies that normally help to keep us from getting sick have a tough time keeping up with things and we may find we get sick more often or more severely. Neurohormones temporarily shut down our awareness so that we feel an emotional numbness not altogether feeling in touch with reality. I have tried to keep the explanations here simple and in laymen’s terms and they are but a few of the many and different responses parents experience when losing a child.

A question I often had when experiencing all these varied and sudden emotional and physical reactions to my son’s death was what is normal? Below is a listing of some normal reactions to child loss.

No emotion or feeling (a feeling of numbness or emotionally empty or dead)
Strong emotion (varying from a little to a lot) Can be tears, hysterical laughter, anger, etc.
Inability to sit still (often needing to constantly move or roam about doing things)
Loss of focus (trouble with concentration similar to ADD)
Feelings of memory loss, fear, disorientation and confusion (as if you suddenly got Alzheimer’s)
Nostalgic yearning for and or longing (often times intense and constant)
Changes in biorhythms (eating, sleeping etc)
Feeling controlled and overrun by memories
Attacked by guilt, anger or blame

A second question I had was what can I do to survive this?

We must give ourselves permission to grieve. (to feel however we feel, to express our grief in any way that is appropriate for us and to know there is no wrong way unless it is immoral, illegal or is harmful to ourselves and or others i.e. cutting, starvation etc) Studies point to more physical and psychological problems in the initial months following loss for those suppressing grief as well as more problems over a year and more later. So expressing how we feel is a normal and healthy means to experiencing grief.

A third question I had was what should I know to help me through this?

Hang with those who are supportive of allowing you to grieve your own way.
Talk to the child you lost as if they were actually there.
Find a professional counselor, therapist, or grief recovery coach. What better time to hire a guide to help you through this painful grieving process so as to move forward easier and quicker.
Live in the moment and try and appreciate the small things. The taste of an orange, the smell of the flowers, the feel of a warm bath!
Let others help! This is a time that tables turned you would want to help out so give others the opportunity to help you with anything you need.
Stay close to those that love you. You do not need any more loss in your life so it is worth focusing on trying to minimize the effects of your grief on your other relationships. This also gives you something concrete to do to help you through your grief.
Take care of you! For all sorts of reasons but most of all because you matter in this world! No telling who or how you might have an impact on someone else who is suddenly thrown into grief and may need your hard earned wisdoms, strength and direction!

Peace & Light,

Stella Wichman

Certified From Heartbreak to Happiness Coach

www.parentsgriefrecovery.com

“Who then can so softly bind up the wound of another as he who has felt the same wound himself?”

Thomas Jefferson

Tags: Balance, coaching, decision-making, emotions, gratitude, grief, Grief Recovery, grieving parents, growth, intuition, knowing, opportunity for growth, parents grief, Purpose, rainbow bridge, relationships, spiritual growth, Thought, understand No Comments »

by Stella

The Rebalancing Of A Family After Child Loss

April 14, 2010 in Acceptance, Balance, Communication, Compassion, Grief, Healing, Intuition, Knowledge, Love, Purpose, Rainbow Bridge Coaching and Healing, Relationships, success, Thought, Understanding, Wisdom

When my son was found murdered, indeed even after he went missing I found that my family and myself instinctively knew that we needed to get itself back into the rhythm and balance that was lost when our Josh was gone. This feeling seemed to grow out of a necessity to not replace but to reorganize roles. I found that when your child dies there is a definite shift in the balance of the family and it helped for me to understand what needed to happen to again find that equilibrium.

It seems that the role of your child which held parental hopes and expectations, and was as well the object of love and focus of your family’s attention, is an important one, and its absence is felt keenly by everyone.

I observed families are a lot like an organization. They take on their own identity with their own characteristics and are more than the sum of their parts or in this case family members. They do not merely reflect the individuals that are in it.

In families it seems that when something happens to an individual it has an affect on the family and conversely if something happens to the family it has an affect on the individuals in that family. So for example when my son died I was preoccupied and withdrawn as I grieved at work and everywhere else for that matter which took my focus away from where it was usually therefore having an affect on others in the family. And because my focus was drawn away our loss not only was felt by each one of us but in addition it was as if my family lost me as well as Josh.

I have learned that families which have experienced child loss also work hard at regaining the balance in the family they had before the loss and may not even be aware of the fact that they are making changes to accomplish this. They may shift or change roles, rules, communication, expectations and behaviors to regain the equilibrium that stabilizes the family so it again operates consistently. There is no right way to achieve this as each family differs due to the uniqueness of its individuals.

My older girls each pitched in and spent more time with their little sister after losing their brother. They seemed to know instinctively that she would need that as he and she had been very close and spent a lot of time together. My oldest started calling me daily which she still does after 5 years as she knew her brother had regularly called me or visited on weekends and summers while in college. My youngest started turning into the family clown always trying to lighten things up when needed, which is the role her brother had filled in the family until he went missing. These are just a few examples of reassigned roles and obligations in our own family as we tried to reestablish a balance in our family again.

This happened entirely of its own accord in our family as water will move to fill a void when it’s there. Regardless of whether family balance is resolved healthily or successfully, the period of reorganization following a family’s loss I can say firsthand is very stressful.

I did find with other parents I have coached through grief that one must be careful of not doubling the grief for your surviving children by stealing their own unique identity by placing demands on them to take on the role of their deceased sibling. (Your brother was an accomplished basketball player and you should be too now) when they have no interest in basketball.

On the other hand sometimes if a surviving child has been in the shadow of his sibling (an accomplished basketball player for instance) he may be able to step into the limelight and shine now.

Remember that this is such an explosive time for each member of the family and one member’s grief can trigger another.

An accumulation of grief and pain in an individual or even in the family as a whole can trigger blowups. On the other hand at times the family can draw strength from each other and gain support and solace.

Recognize the need to look at each family members needs and weigh them against that of the family at times. An example would be everyone wanted to celebrate Christmas traditionally at home and I wanted to get away instead and so we celebrated out of town at my oldest daughters. It is important to strike a delicate balance so as to encourage healthy grieving and communication and unity rather than the opposite. Compromise seems to be in order here as each person finds that the health of the whole family is the goal and that each family member will have situations come up that will take precedence.

Remember that each family member does not have the same needs, grieve the same nor have the same relationship with the deceased individual. There are personal differences which must be taken into account. Individual factors are responsible for how each person will react to grief rather than similarity to others in the family or the fact that they all lost the same person in the family.

Lastly the very thing that helps which is the closeness of the remaining members of the family also can be the very thing that threatens to destroy the family. It is easy when we are hurting to place blame, be angry, make false accusations, and place unfair expectations on those we need the most due to irrational demands or fear of upsetting another in the family.

Although a huge undertaking the surviving family needs to reorganize itself to survive and must cope with the stresses of containing different grievers, each with different, unique needs. It is indeed a huge job and what is needed is patience, love, compassion and understanding.

Peace & Light,

Stella Wichman

Certified From Heartbreak to Happiness Coach

www.parentsgriefrecovery.com

“Who then can so softly bind up the wound of another as he who has felt the same wound himself?”

Thomas Jefferson

Tags: attitude, Balance, coaching, Communication, decision-making, emotions, fear, gratitude, grief, Grief Recovery, grieving parents, growth, intuition, knowing, Love, opportunity for growth, parents grief, Purpose, rainbow bridge, relationships, success, Thought, understand, unity No Comments »

by Stella

GRIEF RECOVERY CLUES THAT SHOW YOU’RE GETTING BETTER

April 2, 2010 in Acceptance, Balance, Compassion, Grief, Healing, Intuition, Knowledge, Love, Motivation, Perception, Purpose, Rainbow Bridge Coaching and Healing, Spiritual Connection, Thought, Uncategorized, Understanding, Wisdom

As I have worked through my grief over the loss of my son, I found myself wondering if there were going to be recognizable clues that I would see that would let me know if I was making progress with my grief recovery. I also know that it went agonizingly slow and that it seemed that for every good day forward where I felt as if I might survive this wilderness of grief it was most often followed by several steps backward into sadness, sorrow, anger and despair.

July 13^th 2005 I was abruptly catapulted into grief when my 20 year old son first went missing. Almost 2 years later his murdered remains were found. Initially I stumbled along the road of grief recovery and later with the help of a grief coach continued down that road at a quicker more purposeful gait. What I wanted was clues that could help me see that I was making progress. Markers that I could strive for and upon reaching would tell me that there was a light at the end of the tunnel and that my hard work was paying off. That although things would never be the same I would be happy again.

The list below is the clues that I compiled from both myself and other parents. These can be used by other grieving parents to give them hope and to see they are starting to make progress through their grief as well:

You have come to terms with the finality of losing your child. You understand that they are gone and can not come back to this earth.
You are able to think about the difficult memories as well as the nice ones. Initially in grief it seems that memories are hard as they bring to focus how much you have just lost. Now it seems easier and is comforting to remember.
You once again enjoy the company of just yourself and no longer need to distract yourself with things and people to keep you busy.
You can safely drive again without breaking down into tears because it is one of the few places you can be alone with your grief and vent even though you know how terribly unsafe it is.
You find you are less sensitive to other comments and are again able to see that some comments are simply made due to stupidity and are not purposeful attacks.
Holidays and special occasions are again something you look forward to whether or not they have remained the same or you have adopted new traditions.
You are able to take what you learned from the experience of losing a child to try and help others going through the same thing.
You are able to listen to your child’s favorite tunes without crying or needing to turn it off as it hurts too badly. Now you may even be able to enjoy the songs as they bring happy memories shared with your child.
You finally realize that grief is not Permanent, Pervasive nor Personal. It merely is what it is and just happens sometimes for no reason.
You can go to church without tearing up at some point.
You find yourself not thinking of your child as much or as long at one time. At first you worry you are forgetting them. This is not true though. Instead you are giving yourself permission to move forward with your own life which is what your child would want for you anyway.
You are able to laugh again and be happy without feeling any guilt.
You find you’re eating, sleeping and other routines you once had are returning to what they used to be.
Your previous energy level is returning.
You find you have developed new daily, weekly, monthly and yearly schedules that do not include your child.
You find you are able to concentrate on things again like a book or movie or TV show and can retain what you read or saw!
You find you no longer need to visit your childs grave as often or as long.
You find you are again able to focus on and embrace the positive which was there all along but impossible to see.
You are able to again enjoy new people and develop healthy relationships with them.
You feel your confidence returning and know who your new self is. You’re able to focus on and work towards your future again.
When you look into your eyes they no longer look like the wildebeests whose being attacked by the lion. The shock is over as well as denial and anger mostly has given way to acceptance and understanding of your new reality. This is not the same thing as condoning the death however.
You have adopted the attitude of “Why argue with the rain?” You now understand that it will not change things. Instead you look for ways to work around the rain or you may even choose to dance in it (for example I continue to make my sons favorite Birthday 7 layer bars on his birthday for his family even though I understand he will not be blowing out his candles or having a piece to eat.)
You find you are calmer about the grief bursts or grief attacks. You realize they are happening less often and are less intense.
You find you are starting to look forward to waking up to your day again.
You find you have found others that fill the void in your life created when your child died. You may also have found other activities as well to fill the space and find you are more so comfortable with the changes.
The energy it used to take just thinking about your child and the time it took as well is now being used in other areas. You may be helping other parents who have lost children or making other definite plans for your life.
You accept your new life and find that the experience of losing a child has led to new personal growth.