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Finding The Path Through The Bewildering Experience Of Loss

July 23, 2010 in Acceptance, Balance, Career Coaching, Communication, Compassion, Grief, Grounding, Healing, Intuition, Knowledge, Love, Motivation, Perception, Purpose, Rainbow Bridge Coaching and Healing, Spiritual Connection, Thought, Uncategorized, Understanding, Wisdom

Parents who lose a child are often left feeling as if they have survived a catastrophe and are left standing at ground zero with no clue as to where to go or how to begin getting their life back. It is difficult to know what to do from where they are at and on top of it they are left feeling stunned and reeling from the intense feelings of loss and pain. Our society I have found offers little help in this area and the things people tell us such as time heals all wounds and he’s in a better place anger, frustrate, and stir up the anxiety and confusion we already feel. What I was fortunate enough to have found is that there are tools we can use that make a huge difference in how quickly and easily we are able to merge our lives before we lost our child with the life we have now without that child. Although forever changed we can learn to adjust and be happy again. We can each use our own creative and intuitive abilities fine tuned to us to help us find the peace we need. We just need to be taught how and my experience was that with a grief recovery coach I was able to learn not only what these tools are but was coached on how to use them. Some of the help I found came from a book I read called: The Infinite Thread: Healing Relationships Beyond Loss by Alexandra Kennedy. In it she mentions 7 steps for the process of recovery.

They are:

to express all the feelings over this loss: anguish, longing, relief, anger, depression, numbness, despair, aching, guilt, confusion, and often unbearable pain
to let the nonnegotiable and excruciating reality sink in that you will never again be in the physical presence of your deceased loved one
to review your relationship from the beginning and to see the positive and negative aspects of the person and the relationship
to identify and heal your unresolved issues and your regrets
to explore the changes in your family and other relationships
to integrate all the changes into a new sense of yourself and to take on healthy new ways of being in the world without this person
to form a healthy new inner relationship with this person and to find new ways of relating to him or her.

Kennedys book reinforced how it’s important to actively work to integrate and resolve our grief, not to just passively experience our reactions to it. She states that, “Grief carries us until we learn to carry it.” Reading that phrase helped me understand that we do not need to stay victims of grief we can be survivors and even captains of our destiny again if we wish!

Peace & Light,

Stella Wichman

Certified From Heartbreak to Happiness Coach

www.parentsgriefrecovery.com

“Who then can so softly bind up the wound of another as he who has felt the same wound himself?”

Thomas Jefferson

Tags: attitude, Balance, choice, coaching, emotions, grief, Grief Recovery, grieving parents, growth, intuition, knowing, Love, opportunity for growth, parents grief, peace, Purpose, rainbow bridge, spiritual growth, success, Thought, trust yourself, understand 1 Comment »

by Stella

Child Loss Can Be Incapacitating

July 1, 2010 in Acceptance, Balance, Compassion, Grief, Healing, Knowledge, Rainbow Bridge Coaching and Healing, Spiritual Connection, success, Thought, Uncategorized, Understanding, Wisdom

Losing a child can be and most often is incapacitating to varying degrees depending on the individual. The definition of incapacity according to the Encarta Dictionary is: “A physical or mental challenge, making learning or performing basic tasks difficult.”

In Learning About Grief from Normal Families: SIDS, Still-birth, and Miscarriage, Journal of Marital and Family Therapy, 1991, Vol. 17, No. 3, 215 it says, “the period of substantial incapacity normally lasts one to three years when a child dies, nine to fifteen months for a miscarriage.”

Because such a large part of incapacity is the loss of mental function, parents who have lost a child often are unable to properly measure the depth or level of their incapacity. Many parents report that immediately following their loss, they lost the ability to stand, talk and think at the same time. The mental effort required to keep their balance took more than they had. At the time this was happening they were unaware of this incapacity they were suffering from and not until they looked back did they come to realize how impaired they had been. What is important here is to understand that this is a quite normal and common response to child loss.

For caregivers, during the time right after child loss, understanding this concept should help in what areas you might step into to help the grieving parent. Things such as driving, cooking, caring for other children in the home, errands etc. Having been there myself as a grieving parent an excellent approach would have been “let me come be your friend/servant for the day so you don’t have to be worrying about menial things like driving or cooking so soon after your loss.” Specifically suggesting rather than generally asking “where can I help?” Always the independent one when I was asked about where I needed help I resisted but later found myself in dangerous situations like going through red lights and leaving pans burning on the stove. Thank heavens my guardian angel was obviously on overtime duty during the weeks following when my son was reported missing and again when his murdered remains were found.

”Unfortunately, in addition to reduced mental function greater financial obligations usually accompany loss” according to research from Counseling Bereaved Families (Springer Publishing Company, Inc.) at 75-77. Thus the demands on your ability increase as your ability decreases. Most parents report that due to medical bills, funeral bills and or inability to work they feel the stress of decreased income after child loss. This in turn also causes additional stress and therefore has an even further incapacitating effect.

Again the important thing here is that as a grieving parent one realizes that this is a normal and universal reaction to losing a child and that there is light at the end of the proverbial tunnel once an individual has done enough grief recovery work for themselves. As I have mentioned before this can be done on one’s own but is most often faster and easier when done with a Professional Grief Recovery Coach like I and many other parents have or a Therapist.

Peace & Light,

Stella Wichman

Certified From Heartbreak to Happiness Coach

www.parentsgriefrecovery.com

“Who then can so softly bind up the wound of another as he who has felt the same wound himself?”

Thomas Jefferson

Tags: attitude, Balance, choice, coaching, decision-making, emotions, grief, grieving parents, growth, knowing, opportunity for growth, parents grief, Purpose, rainbow bridge, spiritual growth, spirituality, success, Thought, understand 1 Comment »

by Stella

Time Alone Does Not Heal Grief…

May 7, 2010 in Acceptance, Balance, Career Coaching, Communication, Compassion, Grief, Healing, Knowledge, Love, Motivation, Perception, Purpose, Rainbow Bridge Coaching and Healing, Spiritual Connection, Thought, Understanding, Wisdom

Immediately after I found out my son had been murdered people starting telling me “time heals all wounds”. I am sure they told me this because they wanted to say something to make me feel better or because they had heard the phrase before and it seemed to fit or because they did not know what else to say. I can honestly say that at first when you lose a child it seems like time is the enemy. The impossibly long harrowing days blended into even longer agonizing nights of pain, loneliness and confusion make one wish that time could be stopped and even better reversed to a point when your child was still happy and with you. Then there is the sudden realization that now that your child has died you will never see him on this earth again. That all you really have to hold onto if you are religious or spiritual is that you will eventually be together again but you also soon realize that it will be a long time in coming and in another place. And that thought puts you at odds with time as well!

What I did find out about time and healing is that although time moves along it alone does not heal. Healing is an active process not a passive one. When you have a wound and do not care for it properly, although it may scab over it often gets infected underneath, takes longer to heal and leaves a scar.

When we lose a child we feel as though our heart and mind and very soul have been mortally wounded. We eventually seem to heal up but if we have not cared for those wounds properly while healing then they too merely scab over closing off the infection beneath which greatly lengthens the healing process experts say and can take according to (Time Magazine July, 1985) 5 to 8 years to recover. Most generally as well this too can leave a bad scar.

The basic definition of to heal means to make whole again. When we become sick something or someone has affected our wholeness. To get back to wholeness we must either eliminate the thing that is affecting our wholeness as in taking antibiotics for strep say or we must integrate it so that we no longer see it as a threat. Once we can do that it no longer has the same impact and we are free to heal and move on.

A common factor among many grieving parents I found is that once they were able to create a shift in thinking and acceptance as if they had chosen their loss themselves they were free to move forward again into happiness. And although not easy to do even when guided by a grief recovery coach or other professional this was necessary to help them heal.

Healing is thought of as a spiritual idea where as curing is a medical concept. That is why it is an active process that we must participate in, it does not happen to us as in curing by a doctor. As in the saying “Physician heal thyself” we must be active in order to heal from the wounds of child loss. To do that we learn how to stay open and accepting the very thing that wounded us.

In Lamaze classes I learned to embrace the pains of childbirth and relax through them as I was taught to view them as completely normal and natural physical and emotional responses to the birth of one’s baby. In doing so I was able to endure up to 20 hours of labor followed by delivery of a healthy baby together with a few stitches of some slightly torn tissue. All this with no medication of any kind nor an episiotomy. And I went home the next day!

Lamaze as well as chronic pain management teaches one not to tighten up around the pain but to relax and allow the pain to be present. The idea taught is that when pain is resisted it intensifies but when we relax and accept it, it can move and flow through us easier. Pain is merely an alert that something is wrong whether it be something physical, emotional, spiritual or mental and all we need do is listen. To relax and breath through it. We do not want to fight it but learn from it.

Time alone does not heal but healing takes time. To be healed we can give ourselves the time we each need to open to the pain and open to the loss. As we do this we grow as we include more of what life holds. We include what would have been lost to us if our hearts and minds had closed against the pain. We include what would have been lost if we had not taken the time we needed to work at the healing we needed all along.

Peace & Light,

Stella Wichman

Certified From Heartbreak to Happiness Coach

www.parentsgriefrecovery.com

“Who then can so softly bind up the wound of another as he who has felt the same wound himself?”

Thomas Jefferson

Tags: attitude, Balance, choice, coaching, emotions, gratitude, grief, Grief Recovery, grieving parents, growth, intuition, knowing, opportunity for growth, parents grief, Purpose, rainbow bridge, reflection, relationships, spiritual growth, spirituality, success, Thought, trust yourself, truth, understand, unity, vision No Comments »

by Collaborative Transitions

Train Your Brain

April 29, 2010 in Musings, Thought

I am sitting at the table, staring out the window at the snow-covered ground and leafless trees. Baby Beautiful hops in from the other room and asks, “Whatcha doin’?”

“It’s time for another letter, and I’m sitting here waiting for inspiration,” I reply.

“Well, I don’t ‘member meeting Inspiration, but I know you have to write on paper to make a letter. And I don’t think you’re s’posed to be watching TV when you’re doing your homework,” she says.

She continues, “I think you should write about practicing. You been talking about it all week. ‘Member when we watched the Olympics and you talked about all the training and practicing the athletes do? You can write about thinking training.”

“I can write about what?” I ask.

“Thinking training,” she replies. “Aren’t you listening? Rev. Carole talks about it all the time, and the authors of the books you read write about it. The way you think is the way your behind follows.

“Do you know where you’re going with this, Baby Beautiful?” I ask her.

“No, but you’ll figure it out,” she replies. “you told me that you wrote impatience on a piece of paper you put into the Burning Bowl back in January. You wanted to be free of impatience when dealing with the people in your life. Well, I’ve heard how you’ve dealt with a few of them in the past few weeks, and you need to be in Olympic thinking training.”

“You’re right,” I reply. “I haven’t been living up to my mental image of myself.”

“As soon as you start getting riled up, you need to yell at yourself STOP! Whoa! Then tell your brain over and over, I am a loving, patient person, wife, grandma or whatever. See, thinking training. Practice God mind. Let go of error thinking. Practice, practice, practice. Bulk up your brain muscles. Go straight to the loving, patient part of your brain and turn it on. Rah! Rah! Rah!”

“Why are you still staring out the window?” she asks.

“I’m waiting for inspiration so I can start writing the letter to my friends,” I reply.

Baby Beautiful looks out the window. “You’ve been waitin’ a long, long time. I don’t think she’s coming. Now pay attention to me ‘cuz I can’t talk to you all day. I have to practice standing on one leg. Big flamingos can stand on one leg, but babies have to practice a lot to do it. That’s why I have all these pillow tied to me. I fall over a lot. But, I practice, practice, practice.”

Baby Beautiful continues, “Now let’s get down to the real biggie.”

“Ah, do we have to?” I ask.

“Yes! You really have to. When you get things out in the open and look and talk about them, they lose their power. Deal with things head on. You can do it! Yes, you can!”

“Well, you know,” I say, “I saw a former family member at a distance in a store several weeks ago. I thought I had resolved my feelings towards this person in the three years since I had last seen him. Girl, was I wrong! I felt betrayal and hurt looking at him and found myself crying and wanting to run up to him screaming and beat him up.”

“O dear, dear, dear,” Baby Beautiful interrupts. “You know how we’re always being encouraged to let our God light shine? Well, I think you just snuffed yours out! Lucky for us Rev. Carole says if we don’t like the consequences of our actions, we can choose new ones. I’m sure in your case, you aren’t limited to choosing just one new action a day. Choose as often as you need to. Olympic-scale thinking training is needed here.”

“You might be on to something here with the thinking training thing,” I say. “Why don’t you write the letter to our friends?”

Baby Beautiful retorts, “Don’t be a silly goose. I don’t know all my ABD’s and I can’t even print. Besides, I have to go practice standing on one leg.”

Blessings,

Baby Beautiful & Merry

Tags: Baby Beautiful, choice, thinking training, train your brain No Comments »

by Stella

GRIEF RECOVERY CLUES THAT SHOW YOU’RE GETTING BETTER

April 2, 2010 in Acceptance, Balance, Compassion, Grief, Healing, Intuition, Knowledge, Love, Motivation, Perception, Purpose, Rainbow Bridge Coaching and Healing, Spiritual Connection, Thought, Uncategorized, Understanding, Wisdom

As I have worked through my grief over the loss of my son, I found myself wondering if there were going to be recognizable clues that I would see that would let me know if I was making progress with my grief recovery. I also know that it went agonizingly slow and that it seemed that for every good day forward where I felt as if I might survive this wilderness of grief it was most often followed by several steps backward into sadness, sorrow, anger and despair.

July 13^th 2005 I was abruptly catapulted into grief when my 20 year old son first went missing. Almost 2 years later his murdered remains were found. Initially I stumbled along the road of grief recovery and later with the help of a grief coach continued down that road at a quicker more purposeful gait. What I wanted was clues that could help me see that I was making progress. Markers that I could strive for and upon reaching would tell me that there was a light at the end of the tunnel and that my hard work was paying off. That although things would never be the same I would be happy again.

The list below is the clues that I compiled from both myself and other parents. These can be used by other grieving parents to give them hope and to see they are starting to make progress through their grief as well:

You have come to terms with the finality of losing your child. You understand that they are gone and can not come back to this earth.
You are able to think about the difficult memories as well as the nice ones. Initially in grief it seems that memories are hard as they bring to focus how much you have just lost. Now it seems easier and is comforting to remember.
You once again enjoy the company of just yourself and no longer need to distract yourself with things and people to keep you busy.
You can safely drive again without breaking down into tears because it is one of the few places you can be alone with your grief and vent even though you know how terribly unsafe it is.
You find you are less sensitive to other comments and are again able to see that some comments are simply made due to stupidity and are not purposeful attacks.
Holidays and special occasions are again something you look forward to whether or not they have remained the same or you have adopted new traditions.
You are able to take what you learned from the experience of losing a child to try and help others going through the same thing.
You are able to listen to your child’s favorite tunes without crying or needing to turn it off as it hurts too badly. Now you may even be able to enjoy the songs as they bring happy memories shared with your child.
You finally realize that grief is not Permanent, Pervasive nor Personal. It merely is what it is and just happens sometimes for no reason.
You can go to church without tearing up at some point.
You find yourself not thinking of your child as much or as long at one time. At first you worry you are forgetting them. This is not true though. Instead you are giving yourself permission to move forward with your own life which is what your child would want for you anyway.
You are able to laugh again and be happy without feeling any guilt.
You find you’re eating, sleeping and other routines you once had are returning to what they used to be.
Your previous energy level is returning.
You find you have developed new daily, weekly, monthly and yearly schedules that do not include your child.
You find you are able to concentrate on things again like a book or movie or TV show and can retain what you read or saw!
You find you no longer need to visit your childs grave as often or as long.
You find you are again able to focus on and embrace the positive which was there all along but impossible to see.
You are able to again enjoy new people and develop healthy relationships with them.
You feel your confidence returning and know who your new self is. You’re able to focus on and work towards your future again.
When you look into your eyes they no longer look like the wildebeests whose being attacked by the lion. The shock is over as well as denial and anger mostly has given way to acceptance and understanding of your new reality. This is not the same thing as condoning the death however.
You have adopted the attitude of “Why argue with the rain?” You now understand that it will not change things. Instead you look for ways to work around the rain or you may even choose to dance in it (for example I continue to make my sons favorite Birthday 7 layer bars on his birthday for his family even though I understand he will not be blowing out his candles or having a piece to eat.)
You find you are calmer about the grief bursts or grief attacks. You realize they are happening less often and are less intense.
You find you are starting to look forward to waking up to your day again.
You find you have found others that fill the void in your life created when your child died. You may also have found other activities as well to fill the space and find you are more so comfortable with the changes.
The energy it used to take just thinking about your child and the time it took as well is now being used in other areas. You may be helping other parents who have lost children or making other definite plans for your life.
You accept your new life and find that the experience of losing a child has led to new personal growth.

You realize you are starting to enjoy things again! Flowers, music, sunny days, birds, the smell of coffee!!

Peace & Light,

Stella Wichman

Certified From Heartbreak to Happiness Coach

www.parentsgriefrecovery.com

“Who then can so softly bind up the wound of another as he who has felt the same wound himself?”

Thomas Jefferson

Tags: attitude, Balance, choice, coaching, decision-making, emotions, goals, gratitude, grief, Grief Recovery, grieving parents, growth, intuition, knowing, Love, opportunity for growth, parents grief, Purpose, rainbow bridge, relationships, spiritual growth, success, Thought, understand No Comments »

by Stella

How Do You Fix What’s Broken When Everyone Is Just Ignoring All The Pieces On The Floor?

January 29, 2010 in Acceptance, Career Coaching, Compassion, Grief, Healing, Love, Motivation, Purpose, Rainbow Bridge Coaching and Healing, success, Uncategorized, Understanding, Wisdom

ME 1 SEATTLE What a great question! A wonderful young man asked this lately and it brought to mind the problem many of us have that have lost a child. Not only is everyone else ignoring the mess on the floor but we as grieving parents often are too. It’s too hard. The mess is all we have left of them. We feel it is our last connection with them and are reluctant to even touch it. Not to mention most of us don’t know the first thing about fixing it. We are thinking if we ignore it, it might just all go away. Hoping against all hope it will just all go away, too tired and too much in shock to deal with it.

What I and many others have found is years down the road when not dealt with and often when we least expect it, we will trip over those very same pieces on the floor that we left so many years ago. We find the mess did not go away and also that others could not clean up the mess for us. No one else can do the work it takes for each of us to deal with our own broken heart in our own way and in our own time. After all it was our heart and our lives that were completely shattered and left on the floor.

Feeling and working through the emotions of grief can be compared to Physical Therapy for someone who has had major surgery or been severely injured. Although agonizing it is how we heal and how we go on. Many of us have been taught the 5 Stages of Grief that Elizabeth Kubler-Ross wrote and published in the landmark book “On Death and Dying” They are:

1) Denial

2) Anger

3) Bargaining

4) Depression

5) Acceptance

Although helpful to many of us, her studies were based on her findings of people who were facing Terminal Illness. The Stages of Grief experienced by a person dealing with the death of a child are not entirely the same.

The 7 Stages of Grief that better fits grieving parents and found in a popular model often used in coaching are:

1) Shock & Denial

2) Pain & Guilt

3) Anger & Bargaining

4) Depression, Reflection, Loneliness

5) The Upward Turn

6) Reconstruction & Working Through

7) Acceptance & Hope

Using these 7 stages of Grief that one goes through, combined with the 5 Stages of Healing Grief listed below helps parents move forward when they have done enough of their grieving and are ready to move out of where they are. The 5 Stages of Healing Grief is as follows:

1) Get Support

2) Express You’re Feelings

3) Accept What Has Happened

4) Forgive Everyone Everything, Including Yourself

5) Help Others

Can one heal from grief on their own? Certainly, but if a parent finds themselves tired of trial and error and the length of time it seems to be taking or what they are doing isn’t working for them then it may be time to consider a Grief Recovery Coach.

I remember for myself this happened when I was tired of grieving and was tired of still being stuck where I had been for quite some time. I was ready to be happy again and ready to have my life back again! Not knowing where to start and feeling like my tires were spinning in the sand what I wanted was someone that could place a board under my tires so I could get unstuck! That’s when I luckily came across and hired a Grief Recovery Coach.

I had been going to a Therapist for some time and although it was helpful to talk I felt it was not enough. I wanted and needed someone who specialized in Grief Recovery. In searching for help online I stumbled upon a Grief Recovery Coach out of state who fortunately coached over the phone as I found there were no coaches in my area with that specialty.

She not only helped me find my direction but helped me to see the importance of “owning” my situation so I could stop feeling like a victim. She gave me someone to be accountable to, “my coach” and something to be accountable for “my own healing”. Finally she helped me find and face the broken pieces on the floor, those of my heart and of my life that were left after my son went missing and was found murdered.

As I picked up the broken pieces off the floor we worked through each one and in doing this ultimately I found my own point of power and with that I finally was able to turn things around for myself. For me my point of power was in knowing I could help others if I could find the strength and the courage to face my pain and move through it. I would have otherwise never have traveled down this path and found this level of healing, this level of understanding and this level of compassion.

As Alan Cohen says, “The thing about which you think, “Without this I would be lost,” may be the very thing that without this you would be found!”

Peace & Light,

Stella Wichman

Certified From Heartbreak to Happiness Coach

www.parentsgriefrecovery.com

“Who then can so softly bind up the wound of another as he who has felt the same wound himself?”

Thomas Jefferson

Tags: attitude, Balance, choice, coaching, decision-making, emotions, gratitude, grief, Grief Recovery, grieving parents, growth, knowing, Love, opportunity for growth, parents grief, passion, peace, Purpose, rainbow bridge, reflection, spiritual growth, spirituality, success, Thought, trust yourself, understand 1 Comment »

by Stella

What Should You Say To A Grieving Parent?

January 15, 2010 in Acceptance, Communication, Compassion, Fearless, Grief, Healing, Intuition, Knowledge, Love, Motivation, Perception, Purpose, Rainbow Bridge Coaching and Healing, Relationships, Spiritual Connection, Thought, Understanding, Wisdom

ME 1 SEATTLE This question comes up all the time? People who have never lost a child just do not know what it is like. They often want to know what to say to help or what to say to ease their discomfort when encountering a grieving parent.

As a parent who has lost a child and as a Grief Recovery Coach I know that what is said especially early on after the loss can make a difference in how hard and how long the parent’s grief journey is. As both the parent of a missing child and as the grieving parent of a child who has died I encountered many awful and many wonderful things said to me. Most of the time when someone made a remark or an ignorant platitude I realized they just did not understand, other times when caught off guard I was hurt and often angered. Sometimes I recognized that it was I who was not receptive, especially in my early grief to many comments said to me.

But I am of the belief that people as a whole are good and mean well and just need to be enlightened a little so below are some good examples of the worst and the best things to say to someone who is heartbroken.

Things not to say:

It will just take time, soon you’ll be over it, I know how you feel, It’s God’s will, you’re young you can have more, keep busy and you won’t have time to dwell on this, be grateful you had him for this many years.

Things to say:

My heart hurts for you. I am here for you. I can’t imagine how you feel? Your world must be upside down? I don’t know what to say, what happened? Grief is a normal and natural reaction to loss, so what can I do to help? What was your son or daughter like? Tell me something about your child.

One more thing to know when talking with a grieving parent is that we do not want to be fixed; it is our heart that has been broken not our head. We need to own our grief at first as that is our connection still with our child whom we have lost. We need the chance to feel our way through our grieving stages to heal at our own pace. So please do not feel the need to hurry us along, instead acknowledge our loss, don’t ignore it or minimize the elephant in the room so to speak. Know we need support while we are healing whether it is listening, help with tasks, time off from a job etc. Realize that at times we need nothing at all said, that what we need most is someone to hold us tight when we need it and ask for it!

Peace & Light,

Stella Wichman

Certified From Heartbreak to Happiness Coach

www.parentsgriefrecovery.com

“Who then can so softly bind up the wound of another as he who has felt the same wound himself?”

Thomas Jefferson

Tags: choice, coaching, Communication, decision-making, emotions, gratitude, grief, Grief Recovery, grieving parents, growth, intuition, knowing, Love, opportunity for growth, parents grief, peace, Purpose, rainbow bridge, relationships, spiritual growth, spirituality, Thought, truth, understand No Comments »

by Stella

The Secrets of a Grief Recovery Coach

January 12, 2010 in Acceptance, Grief, Healing, Rainbow Bridge Coaching and Healing, Spiritual Connection, Thought, Understanding, Wisdom

ME 1 SEATTLE Losing a child is one of the hardest life altering transitions to move through. As I experienced it I was not only stunned and immensely sad due to the loss of my son but frustrated and angry because I found there was very little help of any sort. What I wanted was a guide. A book or a class or a person who had gone through what I had and could offer advice and direction and hope! For two and a half years I searched for help and all I found was one book that dealt with the type of Ambiguous loss a parent with a missing child goes through. There were also a couple of therapists who were helpful to talk to but not knowing firsthand what it is like ,they too were limited.

I was baffled by the idea that there were all kinds of grieving parents like myself in the news. Every day, I read of losses, from suicides to accidents, illnesses and murder, yet there was very little help available to any of us. I couldn’t believe there was no one who had been through this and was now offering help. Although there was some support from support groups and websites, and that was great, eventually it was not enough. I wanted a concrete plan that specifically took grieving parents through the pain and then back out. I wanted a plan that would help me find purpose, direction, hope and happiness in my life again!

And that was my turning point. That is when I decided that if I could figure out a way to survive this I could take what I had learned and offer it so that other grieving parents would not have to go it alone. I could offer the recipe for moving through the heartbreak of child loss quicker and easier instead of grieving parents having to try and bake the cake without the benefit of a recipe.

So I researched in books, talked to people and while online happened upon a grief recovery coach. She helped me find my direction again and made me accountable so that I not only initiated the changes I needed to be happy again, but did the work to get there as well! After a few months, my friends and family, along with myself, noticed a remarkable change for the better in me and asked what I was doing. By this time I had already checked into a school online that trained people specifically as certified grief coaches. I asked my friends and family what they thought about me training to become a grief recovery coach and they all thought I was a perfect match for the job. After an intense year of studying, training and logging many student coaching hours I became certified grief recovery coach!

Now… you may wonder what exactly a grief recovery coach does. Well… a grief recovery coach shows you how to move from where you are (grief stricken) to where you want to be (happy again). They have you use strategies through action to arrive at specific goals and help you with accountability and follow through. A grief recovery coach will help you focus on the future and move forward.

I was taught coaching is not to flat line and eradicate but to help to see pain as a wake up call and that it rings for a reason which can be addressed and released. That pain is a great motivator, and we should use that! If you can’t feel it you can’t heal it!

I found that what we need as grieving parents often is a helicopter perspective. Whereas at ground level a person may not be able to move forward, a coach beckons you, straps you in and lifts you up to see things from an entirely new perspective. This is how a coach accomplishes this:

A coach:

Brings you to the present moment as upset feelings are rooted in our thoughts about the past or future. The present moment is our point of power and peace.
Encourages you to express your feelings. -many parents need someone to talk to for clarity (to realize the life altering change that has happened to them) as well as for comfort. You don’t have to be kind or spiritual! Tell the truth and release it! It is only your truth for that moment anyway. Unexpressed feelings are like food poisoning! One throws up and feels better again while the other stuffs it and suffers longer.
Helps you to accept the situation—whether you want to or not is beside the point. As the Buddhist saying goes “It is what it is”! Thoughts that you have been victimized repel happiness. When you truly and deeply can accept the situation as if you had chosen it you release all victim energy! This is not the same as condoning what has happened you just learn to let it go and not let it negatively affect your life any longer.
Assists you in seeing the contrary-On one level your child’s death is the worse thing to happen to you on another it could it be received as a gift? Although difficult to see at first later I could see how my son gave me several priceless gifts. The first was the experience of having my heart broken and opened wider. It has profoundly changed me in ways that I appreciate and has made me who I am today! The second gift is that his death has sent my life in a direction that is so very meaningful and fulfilling. I have dedicated my life to helping others get through heartbreak and loss as quickly and easily as possible. Finding gifts in the most unlikely situations evaporates negative feelings. What is left is gratitude.
Focuses you on enthusiasm-What are you enthusiastic about? What would you like to create? A coach encourages them to follow through with homework and to focus on something they feel passionate about!

For most, the process of healing takes a very long time. At no fault to oneself, healing can take a long time because most generally we have not been taught how to positively deal with the emotions that seem to engulf us after a tragedy. Thus, as a coach, we use these key points to streamline the process in hopes that, just as I have done, you too can find purpose, direction, hope and happiness in life again!

Peace & Light,

Stella Wichman

Certified From Heartbreak to Happiness Coach

www.parentsgriefrecovery.com

“Who then can so softly bind up the wound of another as he who has felt the same wound himself?”

Thomas Jefferson

Tags: attitude, Balance, choice, coaching, decision-making, emotions, gratitude, grief, Grief Recovery, grieving parents, growth, opportunity for growth, parents grief, passion, peace, Purpose, rainbow bridge, reflection, spiritual growth, spirituality, Thought, understand 2 Comments »

by Stella

A Grieving Parents Answer to the January/February Doldrums

January 5, 2010 in Acceptance, Grief, Healing, Rainbow Bridge Coaching and Healing, Spiritual Connection, Thought, Uncategorized, Understanding, Wisdom

ME 1 SEATTLE I like many people have always disliked the long, cold, dark months of January and February! However now that I have lost a child I dislike them even more for obvious reasons. These months are long enough as they are yet alone adding in the intense grief felt by a parent whom has lost a child. The question is what can can one do to rebound after losing a child especially during these long dreary months of winter? Although any time is the right time to start doing the work on yourself needed to get through grief, the winter months after the holidays offer less distractions and more contemplative time plus doing the work helps combat the winter blues which are even worse when grieving.

After losing my son I came to the realization the first year that I would be doing well just to cocoon myself at home with funny movies and uplifting books while getting out with people when I felt up to it. In other words I was doing well just to survive. I was very gentle and patient with myself as I would have been with a friend. Each day I searched for my son I hoped for the best and tried to prepare myself for the worst. By the time I got there two years later I had already rehearsed it a thousand times over in my head and I believe that for me this prepared me so I could make it through. After that two year period when he was missing and after we had found his murdered remains was when I was finally able to let go of the ambiguous loss and frozen grief I often speak at the local college here about and use what I had learned and observed from other grieving parents.

Some parents seem to rebound better after losing their child than others. Here are 13 important traits I learned from them that although many were born with, also can be learned just like most behaviors:

• They are spiritual as well as logical: Those that use logical thinking only will experience the most anxiety and depression. Coping with loss is much easier if you can combine spirituality and logical reasoning. For instance terminal illness is less stressful when it’s attributed to the natural cycle of life not a failure. This helps too avoid feelings of helplessness, change what you can and accept what you can’t.

• They are positive: “Live in the moment” to borrow a coined phrase! Our minds tend to dwell on the bad and hurry through the good. By noticing and fully appreciating the small things that you enjoy such as a beautiful day, a savory bite of something, a warm fire, etc. you focus on the positive not the negative.

• They are flexible: People who can handle higher levels of ambiguity (sad/happy, unselfish/selfish, hopeful/despairing) and uncertainty about situations are able to bounce back from loss better.

• They are curious: When you are curious and ask questions you adapt quicker to the new development of any loss.

• They see all experiences as teachings: Learning from ones own experiences and from those of others and applying those lessons as they fit can be helpful as you try and navigate your loss.

• They are self confident: Finding humor during difficult situations helps as well as taking control back of your life through exercise, helping others, learning about loss and faith.

• They are strong & tough: Being physically and emotionally durable during hard times goes a long way.

• They have good social support: People who rely on others to help them get through rough times are more apt to survive loss. This can be friends, family, support groups etc.

• They are giving: People who can give to others get back as much if not more than they have given. When we can see the difference we make even after tragedy it gives us positive feedback which in turn makes us happy.

• They are playful: People who are able to play as children are more able to see the wonder, the fun, the positive in life, they tend to get back up when they fall.

• They stay healthy: Eating properly, exercising, getting plenty of rest and staying hydrated goes a long way especially during times of stress. This also includes some form of relaxation such as yoga, meditation etc. Not staying fit only compounds the problems of loss. Staying healthy gives you back some control in your life.

• They have the ability to turn tragedies into triumphs: Being optimistic and taking the stance of an individual who will take control of themselves and overcome loss rather than be a victim to it is very empowering. Finding in each bad experience a benefit and changing bad luck into good luck gives you the advantage of resiliency. For example taking the situation of child loss and working through my own pain to try and make a difference in the world by helping other parents get through their grief would not have happened had I not experienced Josh’s death.

• They know when to move on: Focusing on what you can change and not wasting time on what you can’t. Staying too long in anger or fear or complaining about your situation does not help. In fact it drains your energy. Focus your energy instead on how you will move forward. It’s up to you.

Peace & Light,

Stella Wichman

Certified From Heartbreak to Happiness Coach www.parentsgriefrecovery.com

“Who then can so softly bind up the wound of another as he who has felt the same wound himself?”

Thomas Jefferson

Tags: attitude, Balance, choice, coaching, decision-making, emotions, gratitude, grief, Grief Recovery, grieving parents, growth, knowing, opportunity for growth, parents grief, Purpose, rainbow bridge, reflection, relationships, spirit, spiritual growth, success, trust yourself, understand No Comments »

by Collaborative Transitions

When Your Goal is to Live in Happiness

December 22, 2009 in Balance, Prosperity, Purpose, Purposeful Employment, Rainbow Bridge Coaching and Healing, retirement, Spiritual Connection, Values

Have you noticed the culture we have grown accustomed to is changing before our very eyes? People we know and love are losing their homes and their jobs – some are losing their very way of life. They are being given a perfect opportunity to create a major shift in their lives. One that can be very painful to live through, but creates a life of peace and contentment.

I’ve watched my friends begin to worry and fret as their jobs were eliminated. Concerns range from the ability to pay debt, continue to put children through college, and keeping the home they were stretched to pay the mortgage on when both partners were employed. When my last corporate job was eliminated, my family and I were also concerned about our future, and not being able to live out our retirement dreams.

What I have discovered, and want to share with you is that when you let go of the frenzy and the worry about the future, and reach deep inside to find your passion and your purpose, you are more productive. When you choose to work and live from your values and your priorities in life, everything you need will appear at the appropriate time. By approaching a career shift or retirement from this perspective, and letting go of the worry, the actions you take will propel you forward, and your needs will be met or exceeded.

Making the choice to live with intention, calls motivation into play. Being very clear on what your motivation is, and creating action around that, is what creates forward momentum – it eliminates confusion and mixed messages. Motivation is created around your priorities, and what you value. For example: If your highest priority is to be willing to be a loving family member to your husband, children, parents and siblings, decisions based on that priority will create forward momentum – you will work to grow your business to the point it provides the income you need, but doesn’t take away from the time you desire for activities with your family. If another high priority is to be willing to give back to the community, and to live creatively, your motivation may be to provide theatrical entertainment directed at families that is uplifting and fun.

Choosing to live with intention does not mean you need a long list of goals, especially those that are based upon achieving status and material wealth. That type of list often produces anxiety, stress, competitiveness, and leaves you feeling unfulfilled. I have discovered when my goal is to live in happiness, what I need begins to flow into my life – the right people, finances and opportunities. Choosing to be grateful for what I have, and “loving what is”, is more profoundly impactful than material possessions or status. You find that when you shed the desire for status, you will lose the need to compete. When you shed the drive to have the biggest toys in the neighborhood, you will become grateful for what you have.

The third verse of the Tao tells us “when action is pure and selfless, everything settles into its own perfect place.

Happy Holidays to You and Yours!

Georgia Feiste, owner of Collaborative Transitions Coaching, located in Lincoln, NE, is a business, career and personal life coach, writer, and workshop facilitator. Her passion is success grounded in purpose and passion, standards of integrity and priorities in life. She provides support and encouragement as her clients set intentional goals to attain their desires, holding open the space they need to stretch and grow. Her website is http://www.collaborativetransitions.com, and she can be reached at (402) 484-8098.

Tags: attitude, choice, coaching, decision-making, fun, gratitude, intuition, knowing, Purpose, purpose driven life, retirement, standards of integrity, success, Values No Comments »